


Take It Back

by alandoflimbo



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angry Bucky Barnes, Angst, Cheating, Enemies to Lovers, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Love rectangle, Lovers To Enemies, Mordern AU, Partner Betrayal, Steve Rogers Feels, Strong Language, eventual rough sex, hurt Bucky is an asshole, this fic is nasty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2019-09-12 10:04:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 111,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16870948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alandoflimbo/pseuds/alandoflimbo
Summary: About five years ago, a one night stand with Y/N tore Bucky’s life apart. It was also the night before his wedding. Now he’s married to her sister and she needs a place to stay.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Story soundtrack link below.

                                                                                           

* * *

 

Bucky was humming Bohemian Rhapsody while he reached his arm out to grab a carton of milk from the fridge. His hand had barely wrapped fully around the handle when a familiar voice made him yelp, causing him to bang his head on the top shelving.

He thought his wife had gone to the office early in the morning, like she usually did, to catch up on some paperwork that was due at the end of the month. Naturally, he figured he had been alone, so it’s no surprise that he had jumped about one foot into the air and his heart was now beating away at one hundred beats per second.

A chuckle echoes through the open kitchen. He groans as he rubs the now sore spot on the back of his head. Shamefully, he spins around to see Ashlyn leaning on the breakfast counter, a small smile playing on her pretty lips. 

“I thought you were gone,” he mumbles.

She eyes him up and down with a smirk on her face, “Yea, about that. Change of plans.” 

Bucky stretches his arm out as he uses his other to roll the sleeve of his extra tight white dress shirt up to his elbows. Walking up to the counter, he does the same exact thing with his other, switching the milk from hand to hand. 

Her smile drops slightly, and Bucky raises a brow noticing her changed worried demeanor. He sets the milk down next to his bowl and crosses his arms onto the cold counter. 

Leaning forward, he moves in until their faces are inches apart and he watches her face. She was looking everywhere - the ceiling, to the left, to the right, to the table - except for him. 

“What’s going on?” He asks concerned.

Ashlyn bites her bottom lip. He looks down at her finger that was making an invisible drawing on the marble counter.

“You know my sister, Y/N?” After she says her name, she finally looks up at Bucky.

The millisecond the name even _rolls_ off her tongue, it’s like a butcher knife was jammed into his lower chest and very slowly dragging its way up his throat. There could be many reasons why Ashlyn was bringing her up, but the one he feared the most he quickly opted out because she hadn’t killed him yet. Just the thought, the _fucking reminder_ of that day, of Y/N, made everything different again. Things hadn’t been different in five years and they weren't supposed to be now. Especially now.

To say he was distraught by his wife’s question was an understatement. He was absolutely moments away from cardiac arrest or at least some kind of mental breakdown. 

He _fathomed_ Y/N. He took secret therapy sessions for the first few months of his marriage because of her.

Ashlyn knew you two didn’t get along, except she never knew why. It was weird because the first year and a half she had dated Bucky, Y/N and he had gotten along extremely well. They were even best friends. But then one day, he was avoiding her name in every conversation; settling for ‘her’, she’, or ‘your sister’. When she came upon the subject, he would change the topic. He even wanted to have thanksgiving with just his family instead of with hers.

Ashlyn has considered asking Y/N what happened that made Bucky completely detest her, but for some reason she was afraid. She just didn’t know why. She eventually decided to not pry on it any longer and just made sure they weren’t in the same room together.

But this would change everything.

Y/N had called her two days ago crying her eyes out and begging to stay with her for a bit until everything was “okay again”. Ashlyn figured it had to be serious if Y/N was even willing to stay in the same home as the man who couldn’t stand her. So, of course, she said yes. Plus, it was her little sister.

“Yeah…” His tone was hesitant and uncertain. It was obvious he did not want to know what he was about to.

“Well,” she hoped she wasn’t making a big mistake. She brought her slightly shaking crossed hands to her mouth and took a deep breath. There was something in her husband's eyes as he waited for her to speak, she just couldn’t tell what it was, “some things went wrong back at home and she kind of doesn’t have a place to live right now.

“No.” He doesn’t even stumble on his words as his head snaps away from Ashlyn. It comes out in a snarl.

She knew this wouldn’t be easy, but now the kind of hard part was over.

“Babe, come on. It’ll only be for a bit.”

His mind was running on horse speed now, he just started spewing out excuses and bullshit for anything against this stupid idea. Memories flash in his mind - awful tear-jerking memories. Just like that, words spew out, “I don’t trust her, Ashlyn.” His eyes are blurry as he scans their huge living room. His eyes pan over to the floor-to-ceiling twenty-five-foot tall windows that were starting to reveal the foggy weather on New York City’s horizon. 

That’s why she wanted to come here. 

His voice raises to an angry tone, “All of a sudden, coincidentally after we just moved into our new penthouse she just “ _wants_ ” to move in here too?” He puts air quotes around his head for emphasis. “It’s so obvious what her intentions are, baby. I don’t know how you fall for that.”

Ashlyn was the angry one now. She was hurt that he would ever think so lowly of her own biological sister, “I highly doubt that’s why.”

Bucky rolls his eyes dramatically and drops his arms to his sides, “You’re my _wife_ , she’s my sister in law that I refuse to remember _exists_. Did you forget this?”

She was the angry one now as she stood up, “Look. I’ll never understand why you hate each other the way you do. But you need to get the hell over it,  Bucky. She’s my baby sister and she has nowhere to live right now.” 

Bucky breathes in and out harshly through his nose as he contemplates her words for a moment. Nervously, he runs a hand through his hair. An overwhelming amount of emotions had hit him the moment she even said her name. When she had followed that with the idea of her moving in, he began to panic. Now, with every passing second, the feelings were just building and he could not control it.

He looks over at the living room, the piano, the stairs, the elevator, and the foyer. _She_ was going to be here.

 _She_ was supposed to stay in the past. 

There was no way there weren’t other motives behind her idea. She always had ulterior motives. This made him absolutely furious.

Ashlyn notices how he was now turning a weird shade of red and she began to grow even more worried. She walks around the counter and takes Buck’s face in her hands. She pulls his eyes away from the home decor and then finally he looks down at her. 

Just like that, he lets a heavy breath escape from his lips and he leans his forehead against hers. 

She calms down too and she lowers her voice to just above a whisper, “Bucky, it’ll be okay. It won't even be for long, just until she finds a place to resettle.” She runs a tentative thumb across the top of his cheekbones.

He itches his forehead - a nervous tick he has - and his tongue clicks in annoyance, “Does she at least have a job right now?”

He figured that if Y/N had somewhere to be, that’d mean less chance of seeing her for most of the day and also that she’d make enough to find her own place soon. 

“She’s going to start looking at soon as she gets here.”

Bucky growls lowly as he looks at his milk and bowl, appetite suddenly gone. 

A burning fire burns in his gut. “She better not think I’m going to give her one.” He needed to know how much time he had to collect his thoughts, to control his emotions. He was afraid he didn’t have just enough, “When does she get here? I’m assuming you told her yes before you even asked me.” 

Ashlyn didn’t even take offense to his tone because he was right. 

“She’ll be here tonight.”

Bucky takes in her words for a couple of seconds and then nods. A small smile forms on Ashlyn’s face. She steps forward and kisses Bucky on his forehead before saying she was going to step out to run some errands and that she would catch up on work tonight. 

When she’s halfway towards the elevator, he’s already leaning his arms over the sink. He closes his eyes and tries to control his breathing. 

He hadn’t seen Y/N since the night before his wedding day: five years ago.

All those emotions he had been harboring down for years suddenly came up his throat in a form of bile. 

He swallowed down thickly.

“Also, I haven’t told her about the baby yet. So try not to mention that for a couple of days.” 

The elevator dings and then she was gone.

* * *

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N arrives and Bucky is not doing so good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Language and very sad feels in this one*

_It was that summer_

_I learned your number_

* * *

 

__

_Your laughing dials down as the innocent moment between two friends pass inside the crowded restaurant. You couldn’t believe that in less than twenty-four hours, your best friend and your sister were going to be married, and yet you couldn’t shake the feeling that you both never knew happiness like you did right at that moment._

_You were going to miss this - laughing together. Obviously, there were other aspects of your relationship that you were most definitely going to miss more than that, but for years you both always just shoved that under the table._

_You’re not laughing anymore, and instead, you’re just looking at each other, realizing you’ve both run out of time._

_You’re the first to realize that your hand is still on his arm. Bucky looks at your hand and you follow his gaze._

_Realizing what you’re doing, you take your hand off his body like it’s on fire._

_Bucky subconsciously frowns at this, suddenly missing your touch._

_You clear your throat, “Sorry, I -”_

_“You wanna get out of here?”_

He was digging through the closet, throwing boxes from here to there. He wasn’t looking forward to seeing you. That much was obvious as he swung a beige pier 1 throw pillow across the bedroom, nearly hitting the lamp off the nightstand. 

The bottom of it shook and the shade swung back and forth, making the yellow glow bounce off the walls of the room from side to side.

He looked at the crooked pillow in annoyance. With a huff, he got up off the floor and made his way to the side of the bed to fix it. As thankful as he was that he didn’t bang the lamp off the table, on the other hand, he was also mad it did not fall. 

You deserved a broken lamp, if anything, you deserved no light at all in this room. Darkness would be the best thing for you; complete and utter darkness.

But no, instead you got a bedroom that was probably the size of your old living room (he remembers your old place _very_ vividly), an entire view of the city, fifty-five stories high into the sky, and some of the finest Egyptian cotton sheets. 

You were being treated like a queen.

He stared down at the bed, considering if he should ‘accidentally’ step on the white duvet with his _extra_ dirty boot. 

He has to squeeze his right hand into a fist to stop himself. 

_These sheets were too damn expensive, Buck._

Ashlyn had thought it’d be a good idea that Bucky got the guest bedroom ready while she went to go pick you up at JFK.

Since they had only recently moved in, not everything was ready yet, including the guest room. There were pieces of furniture that still had to be properly moved into place, the curtains had to be installed, and then they had to make the bed. 

It didn’t seem like a whole lot in theory, but the amount of work that had to be used would eventually be dangerous for Ashlyn and the baby.

So he didn’t mind staying behind to fix the room and take care of it himself, it just bothered him who the room was for. He felt like he was doing some kind of good deed for an undeserving soul. 

With a flick of his finger, he carelessly straightened out the corner of the torturous pillow one last time before leaving the bedroom, flicking off the lights behind him.

His phone dings in his pocket the moment he shuts the door close behind him. With an exhausted and overdramatic sigh, he pulls it out and unlocks the screen.

_We’re on our way up! Be nice._

He feels like he needs to puke. He runs a hand down his face and places his cell on a random corner wall table that sat in the long hallway. He pinches the bridge of his nose.

His mind started to drift into many possibilities and scenarios of what was going to happen the moment you walked back into his life. How would you react to seeing him? Were you going to confess to her sister about the truth about that night? Did you still look the same? Were you still carefree?

He fists and unfists his hands, taking in a deep breath.

Its been five years and he still wasn’t able to wrap his head around it. He wasn’t going to start now.

Everything had been going so well before this news about you showing back up.

_ding._

He turns the corner of the wall and he can’t breathe.

What he sees first is your silhouette on the opposite side of the elevator wall as it opens, then it’s his wife stepping out, and then it’s your feet stepping into the foyer right after.

Time seems to stop when he hears _your_ laughter, and he remembers. 

That night plays in his mind and it replays over and over like a haunting memory. That god awful memory, the one that he thought he would end up cherishing forever.

His heart starts beating so fast the second his eyes lay on you. You turn fully, and you stop immediately. You weren’t expecting him to be _right there_ and yet there he was in all his glory. 

He looked gorgeous in his black plain t-shirt that hugged his toned body.

He takes you in as well because it’s you and he can’t believe it. You still look exactly the same - hair cascading over your shoulders, eyes with a look in them that could kill. 

He opens and closes his mouth and he can’t breathe and he wants to _cry._

_He’s pulling you behind him in a rush as you both pushed your way through the crowd towards the exit._

_Your smile covered your face as you almost stumbled behind him at how hard he was pulling you. You couldn’t help but laughing, grabbing on tighter._

His heart suddenly stopped and it swelled so much he felt faint. You were still just as beautiful as when he last saw you.

He hated that.

You eyed him up and down, feeling your own heart slow down drastically.

_Your hand slid up the side of his pretty face, and then into his hair and you pulled - hard._

_“Please.” You begged._

The memory shakes him to the core and the anger is back. He’s now staring at you with pure hatred, and in that instant, you regret the choice you made of coming here.

Problem is, you _had_ no other choice. Plus, you would have to face him eventually right?

You know he hates you, God, even you hate you. You don’t blame him, but you were hoping that that could all be put behind you. It had been that way, anyway. 

So you figured at that point that you would be the grown one and try to take the first step into progress. 

You take a deep breath, “Hey, you.”

Your voice. He hadn’t heard it in years. It was the voice that he tried to get out of his head the first few months of his marriage, the voice he heard late at night when he couldn’t sleep. He hated you for leaving such a mark on him.

The tension was unbearable as he stood there saying nothing in response, and you were beginning to feel a bit awkward. You were hoping for at least some kind of effort on his part.

Ashlyn’s gaze drifts back and forth between you and Bucky and you raise your own brow, waiting.

Ashlyn looks at Bucky one more time, “Bucky, do you want to help Y/N take her bags into her room?”

Bucky looks at Ashlyn. Damn. His wife was there the entire time and he blacked out like a total idiot, he definitely needed to be more careful. Especially around Ashlyn. 

He looks at your suitcase and then nods, “Yeah, baby, no worries.”

He says half sincerely, reaching to your side to grab the handle of your suitcase and with his other hand, he takes your duffle bag. You whisper a soft thank you, and you notice he’s now avoiding all eye contact with you.

“Bucky will show you to your room.” 

You thank your big sister once more before following Bucky. 

You take advantage of the walk to look around at your sister’s new apartment. You knew that one year into their marriage that Barnes’ Enterprises had nearly tripled their worth in the market, but this was not what you were expecting.

Even when Ashlyn had said that their elevator opened right to their floor, you had to stop yourself from choking on air.

You took in the large living room with the floor to ceiling windows ( _what the hell, was that the Empire State building_ right there _?)_ and the black grand piano that was a little to its right. You try to catch a glimpse of the living room and kitchen but you turn on a long hallway instead, followed by another right turn.

This place was beyond the comfort you needed. If anything you would’ve never expected something like this from Bucky, towards the end of your friendship he was significantly wealthy for sure, but he was always so humble. He’d rather cut off his own arm than give away his black Honda Accord that he’s had since college. You remember all the issues that damn thing always had, but for the life of him he would not give that up.

When Ashlyn had pulled up in an Audi R8 to pick you up at the terminal, you had complimented her on the car to which she said it was actually Bucky’s.

_“What happened to the honda?”_

_Ashlyn waved nonchalantly in the air with her hand, “He took that to the yard years ago. Long gone now.”_

_Your heart hurt for a second, taking in the sexiness of this new very expensive car, “Oh.”_

Bucky stopped in front of one of the rooms. He set the suitcase down and opened the door. When it was open he picked it back up and walked inside leading you in.

You’re pretty sure your gaping as you take in your room, and you can't help the small smile that took over your face. It was all just ridiculous.

The rooms were huge, and you had glass windows on two entire walls (with curtains newly installed in case you need privacy) - the view was insane. The dark wood flooring contrasted beautifully with the white sheets of your bed and the small furniture was delicate but modern.

It was gorgeous.

Bucky notices this, and he also noticed the way you were ogling earlier when you were looking around the living room.

It takes all his muster to not roll his eyes and just kick you out. He rudely drops your duffle on the floor next to his feet.

The act makes you jump up in surprise.

And then its silent, dead silent, as his back is still turned to you.

You stare at him, terrified. Its been five years. 

He looks out at the city in front of him, trying to control his breathing and his temper. The tension was so thick in the room that he thought about just running out. But he couldn’t, he needed to get things straight first.

It had been almost too long since either of you said anything so you decide to break the silence. 

You don’t expect your voice to sound so _broken._

“Bucky…”

He has to close his eyes after you said his name. 

“Promise me you won't tell her.” His voice breaks at the end of his plea. 

The image of his beautiful wife on his wedding day and how happy she was playing in his head. He thinks about him and Ashlyn and their baby and he doesn’t want any of that to be destroyed. It couldn’t. He couldn’t bear to break Ashlyn’s heart like that no matter how messed up what he did was.

You just couldn’t.

You swallow hard because it doesn’t take that much explaining to know you both know what he is talking about. It pains you that after all these years, while he knew you better than anyone else, that he still doesn’t know you at all.

You would never be that heartless, you would not take your sister’s happiness away like that. 

You look down at the floor, “I won’t.”

He takes in your words and it takes a few seconds for him to believe you. When he does, he nods slowly - more to himself- and then turns around to leave.

He couldn’t be near you, it was unbearable.

You want to call after him, to stop him and tell him everything right then and there, but when he’s almost out the door, he’s the one to stop and start talking,  “She might buy that you’re here because of personal issues, but I know the real reason you’re here. I’m not an idiot.”

You frown at this, snapping your head and body around. Your brows furrow together in confusion.

“What are you talking about?” It comes out in a whisper.

He’s still turned away from you and you can tell he’s breathing a little harder judging by the muscles on his back. 

You’re confused beyond belief and you have absolutely no idea what it is he is talking about. The real reason as to why you’re really here? 

“I’m here because I have nowhere else to go.” It pains you to say those words, but they are true. Your throat starts to clump up and it's sore and it burns. It’s because you felt like crying.

He noticed the pain in your voice, but he didn’t care. He didn’t want you, and most importantly, he didn’t want you **here**.

“Just stay the fuck away from me and my wife.” He says before walking out.

For the hundredth time that night, you couldn’t breathe. You stood there as you felt the unbearable heat in your cheeks and the burning in your throat. You stood there staring blankly at the door where the love of your life just walked out of, trying as hard as you possibly could to not start crying your eyes out.

* * *

 

_Your tiny hands tremble as you fold up the little note._

_Diligently to not awaken him, you slide it right under his pillow._

* * *

 

_Lost for you I’m so lost for you_

_You come crash into me_

_And I come into you_

* * *

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe he still loves her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh thank you so much for the kind reviews. I am so glad you guys are enjoying this story just as much as I'm enjoying writing it. It's honestly such a blast. Thank you!

  _Chances are when said and done_

_Who'll be the lucky ones who make it all the way?_

 

 

 

 

_Though you say I could be your answer_  
_Nothing lasts forever no matter how it feels today_

* * *

 

_7 Years Earlier_

The only thing you ever loved more than life itself was food. It had appeared to be the answer to pretty much everything, including the answer to all your questions in life. 

You were sad? Food. You were stressed? Food. You were happy? Food. You were bored? Food. Food was the essence of everything that revolved around you, and you can’t remember a time in your life when you never appreciated it. 

Which is why it’s no surprise to anyone - including yourself - when you’re leaving the chipotle line with two chicken burritos inside your paper to-go bag. You knew very well that both those burritos were for you; one was for when you got home and binged watched _Gossip Girl_ while the other was for around midnight when you couldn’t fall asleep. 

The answer to not being able to fall asleep? _Food._  

You’re in a daze as you walk through Chipotle, grip tight, eyes going towards that extra attractive man sitting towards the left. A random little boy runs past you, his arm hitting the side of your coat and you pray silently to yourself that he didn’t get guac on it. His mom, with a head of blonde curls, runs behind him telling him to slow _the hell_ down. 

What you don’t see is the guy on the right sitting by the window. He sits on the stool with a friend and he’s chowing down a bowl when his eyes flicker up to you just when you’re a couple of feet away from the exit. Recognizing you immediately, he quickly dabs his bottom lip with a brown napkin and tells his friend he’d be right back.

You’re about to reach for the door when a soft hand catches your inner right elbow.

Instinctually, you flinch, mentally preparing to brace whoever this rapist was.

But then you see the guy’s reaction and he looks apologetic as he pulls his arm away, realizing he most likely frightened you judging by your lightning speed reaction. 

His eyes furrow and his lip perks up at the side, “Hey, sorry ‘bout that,” he whispers, motioning to your elbow with his head. He tilts his head just a bit as he stares at you a little bit longer.

You wonder why this gorgeous piece of man would want to talk to you of all people. He definitely did mistake you for someone else. That or he’s a serial killer.

His hair was short and he had bluest eyes you had ever seen. He had a boyish cute smile and he wore an attire that could only be closest described to a frat boy. You couldn’t deny it though, that light blue dress shirt served him justice. You had to literally stop your self from biting your lip. Was it just you or did he remind you an awful lot of Carter Baizen? God, you couldn’t wait to get home and finish catching up on season 3. 

His voice interrupts your enamored thoughts, “Are you Ashlyn’s sister?”

You sigh in defeat. Of course the too good to be real extra hot stranger was looking for your _sister._

You give him one more look over his person and in an instant, everything clicks in your head - the blue eyes, the rich cute boy look, the hair that looked soft enough to pull- and you roll your eyes. You hold the paper bag in the crook of your left arm, leaning onto your left leg. 

You let out a sigh, but you couldn’t help the small smile that fills your face.

Nodding, you respond, “You must be Bucky.”

His smile reaches his eyes. It’s genuine, soft. “So she’s talked about me, huh?” His tone is teasing, prideful. 

Your eyes practically roll into the back of your head. Instead, your eyebrows just raise up dramatically, “Oh, yeah, she’s talked about alright. You’re literally all she’s talked about the last few weeks.”

He smirks and his arms cross over his chest. 

Interestingly enough, other questions swirl around in your head, “How did you know I was her sister? I’ve never met you prior to this.” Your eyes narrow curiously. 

“Oh, I saw your Instagram. Guys snoop too, ya know.” He rubs the back of his neck nervously, “and I also remembered Ashlyn saying she had a little sis so I just put two and two together when I saw your name.”  
  
You couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped your lips. Oh, the countless of guys who’s feed you’ve snooped through. You even remembered going as far back as four years and accidentally liking their “family vacation in Aruba” photo. So you knew exactly what he was talking about.

“Right.” He nods once more, shifting from feet to feet. You clear your throat as you gasp the bag tighter.

“Dinner for the family?” He gestures to the large bag you’re holding.

You smirk, “Nah. It’s all for me.”

His brows raise up, impressed, “What? A little thing like you?”

You take a slight offense to his comment. Him not buying that you could chow down two burritos kind of insulting you. You could even do three if you tried, “I like chipotle.” You try to come off sounding condescending but instead it comes off playful.

He smiles, “Alright.”

Ashlyn has been talking about this boy for the last four weeks nonstop and something that she said just two days ago enters your mind. You clear your throat, “So are you guys actually that serious or is my sister being overdramatic saying you guys are actually going away together next weekend to the Hamptons?” 

“No yea,” He motions over to his friend that is sitting by the window. His friend waves slightly over his own burrito, “My friend Steve’s got a house down there and so does my father. A bunch of us are going. It’s actually quite more traditional than it is romantic, but we’ll see how that goes, too.” He ends with a suggestive smile.

You look between him and Steve - who was also downright gorgeous - and then return him an equally soft smile, “Well, have fun. She’s really looking forward to it.”

You were happy for your sister, she was a great girl. And to be fairly honest, Bucky seemed like an equally sweet guy. So what he was rich, that didn’t automatically qualify him as a douche.

The following words that leave his mouth only confirm that:

 “You can come too if you’d like. There’s a couple of other girls that’ll be there.”

Happiness fills you instantly. You had never been to the Hamptons before. You haven't done anything fun in years, period.

You try not to show your excitement as you chuckle, “Oh. Are you sure you all want a twenty-one-year-old hanging around with you guys?”

_Please says yes_.

He laughs gently, “Hell yeah. You’re not a kid, plus it’s not like we’re _that_ old. I’m only twenty-six.”  
  
“I know,” you smile, “She told me.”

He looks away and towards Steve’s direction, making a soft strand of her fall onto his forehead. You take that second to appreciate his profile. You look away quickly. 

“Look, I gotta get going, but when you get home to tell her I invited you too. Honestly, I think it’ll be pretty cool.”

You look at Steve again and then back at Bucky. He was smiling at you.

“Okay.” You smile back softly.

* * *

 

As soon as you sit in your car, you try to lie to yourself by saying that you’re not freaking out over the trip. All of your entire college career you barely got to party much, mainly because you were too focused on school and your love life to even have a social life. 

You grab the wheel as you toss your head back, a big smile on your face. 

Maybe this was the beginning of something new, a brand new start from your old messed up one. This could be God’s way of giving you a second chance.

Surely, you could be overdramatizing everything, it _was_ just an invite to a weekend getaway. But still, you were finally leaving your hometown.

At that moment, when you buckled your chipotle bag into the passenger seat and gave your paper bag a little tap, you were thankful your big sister had met Bucky. 

You were so ecstatic that you didn’t even eat your burrito right away as soon as you walked straight in through the front door. 

You started yelling your sister’s name as you close the door behind you. You walked passed the living room and then tossed the Chipotle bag onto your kitchen counter. 

Turning around, you sigh. 

The entire hallway was lined with cardboard boxes and garbage bags - your sister was moving out soon. You nearly trip over them as you made your way to her room. Impatiently, you knocked repeatedly on her bedroom door. 

“Ashlyn!”

You didn’t wait for a response, your hand quickly went for the doorknob and you threw it open.

Your big sister looked up at you from folding her clothes. With a deadpan look, she says, “Come in.”

You swing the door close behind you with a smirk, “I ran into your bae at chipotle.” You sing and you hop onto your knees on her bed. 

She peaks a brow at you.

“You did not.” You nod enthusiastically, “What’s he doing upstate? He lives in the city.” You could sense the uncertain jealousy in her tone.

You shrug, “He was with a friend.”

“A f _riend_?” 

You roll your eyes, “A _guy_ friend.” 

A look of relief washes over her face and now she’s smiling. She picks up a pair of jeans out of the clean clothes bin and starts to fold, “So? What did you think? Was I exaggerating?”

You smirk and roll your eye, knowing she was referencing to the moment of when she first told you how freaking gorgeous Bucky is, “He was alright I guess.“  
  
She gives you a look and scoffs playfully, “You guess?”

“Fine, he lived up to your words.”

“So that's why you barged in here all happy like this? I don’t know how I should feel about my little sister freaking out this much over meeting my new boyfriend.”

Please, like you would ever. You pick up a clean pantie from the pile and throw it at Ashlyn’s face.

“No, you dumb shit,” she raises a brow as she picks up the underwear you threw and puts it back in the basket.

“Okay, then what's up? You’re so damn antsy.”

You look at her for a beat and then take a deep breath, “You know that trip he invited you to?” She nods.  All of a sudden you were super nervous. You start picking at the bedsheets below you, “Before you answer just remember, I’ve been through a lot this year. Ya know, with Eddie Brock and everything” Ashlyn’s face falls at that. Eddie had destroyed your life, literally. “and when I was in school I never really had a chance to do much because mom forced me to work my ass off instead of having fun like a normal young adult-“

Ashlyn’s eyes narrow and she interrupts you. “Just say it, Y/N.”

You look her dead in the eye, “He said I could go with. There’s going to be a lot of more people there, too. I asked if I was too young and he said no.” 

Ashlyn stares at you for a second and the nods, smiling softly. She returns to folding a Star Wars T-shirt. “I know Brock was a tough time for you and I agree that you do need a break, get out and have some fun.”  
  
Joy fills you instantly, “Is that a yes?” 

“Yes, it’s a yes.”

You get up and wrap your arms tightly around her waist, almost making her tip over. She chuckles lightly, “Dude. Seriously?”  
  
“Oh, you won't regret this.” You squeeze her tighter.

* * *

 

_Present Day_

You’re caught in your thoughts as you watch your sister make you a cup of chamomile tea. She was always the sweetest soul. You think back to Bucky’s words in your temporary room, how he told you to stay the fuck away from her.

He had never used that kind of tone with you in his life. Just the replay of that moment has your eyes filling with tears again. 

You watch as Ashlyn picks up her little Tiffany blue kettle and starts filling your mug with water. The steam flows up dramatically into the air and she hums.

“This is going to make you feel better in no time,” she motions her head to the paper bag next to your arm with a smile, “and the Chipotle I got you.”  

You smile back, but it doesn’t reach your eyes. You place your feet close together on the feet rest of the barstool and lean the side of your face into your hand. Truth is, you hadn’t eaten Chipotle in five years. The memories make you sad, and you nod quickly as you swallow down the dryness in your throat.

Ashlyn notices the look on your face and she leans in closer to you, her arms leaning on the counter in front of you. 

“Just give him some time, Y/N.”

You look up once more and try to smile again. Ashlyn wants to know so bad what happened between you two, you can see it in her eyes. And it fucking kills you. 

 She takes a deep breath and places the mug in front of you. She continues, “You know if you both just tell me what it is that made you dislike each other this much I could help you.”

You couldn’t. You click your tongue and say the same thing you’ve been telling her for five years, “I told you. We had a huge fight over something dumb. I don’t hate him but it’s hard to go back.”

You pick up the bug carefully with both hands and blow into the liquid. You knew it was still scorching, but you loved the way it warmed up your cold hands.

She watches your face intently and an idea hits her. She smiles slightly and pulls the mug out of your hands. You look at her even more confused when she takes your right hand in yours, pulling you around the counter.

“What are you doing?” You ask confused.

She smiles wide, “Dancing with my sister,” she looks slightly above your shoulder and says a little louder, “Alexa, play Fast Car by Tracy Chapman.”

The Alexa repeats back the command and the very familiar tune starts to play throughout the house.

At that moment you don’t know if you want to cry or laugh. Ashlyn smiles wide as she grabs your shoulders, caressing one of them lovingly.

“You remember we would always listen to this with dad? Especially on our trips up to Vermont?” 

You feel tears once more and you wrap your arms around her. 

“Of course.”

You feel her arm wrap around your shoulders and she rubs you back softly, “You’re my little sister. As much as I love you, I also love my husband. It’s very hard…” 

Her voice breaks and you have to bare yourself as you take in a deep breath. She was crying softly into your arms as you swayed back and forth, “It’s very hard not seeing you get along.”

With her in your arms like that and the memories clouding your mind of how much she always took care of you, you promised that you would try. Try for her. Fuck Bucky. You would try to make it work, at least for her.

You cleared your throat and said in a stronger voice, “I promise.”

You both smiled and by the time the song was into its second chorus, you were both swaying a little harder and laughing out loud - just like old times. 

Bucky stood by the doorway as he watched you laugh. Your sister spun you around, making the hem of your PJ top swirl around almost in slow motion because that’s how he felt that scene was unfolding. There you both were but all he could watch was you. You and that damn Chipotle bag on the counter.

He swallows down thickly, his eyes watering.

_I’m holdin’ on a rope_

_Got me ten feet off the ground_

_I’m hearing what you say_

_But I just can’t make a sound_

* * *

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We learn how the reader got hurt. and Y/N and Bucky's relationship is toxic as ever. Lots of cursing. Mentions of sex, cheating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, I want to apologize for how long this chapter took. It was difficult with the holidays and then after New Years I got sick for about two weeks. So yeah. To make it up I wrote you all a 6k word chapter. I basically crammed two into one for you. I hope you enjoy it!

_This may be the last sunset I'll see_  
_So I'll take it in, I'll take it in_  
_This may be the last air that I'll breathe_  
_I'll breathe it in, I'll breathe it in_

“Oh shit. Sorry.”  
  
The apology catches you off guard. You were moping in a corner of the dark kitchen, and you thought you had been alone. Not only because of the dead silence and eeriness of the entire downstairs area but because it was two in the morning.

You jump up and turn around in your spot and you see Bucky standing there in the doorway.

His hair is disarray and he’s shirtless while his sweats lay low on his hips. One of the two jaw strings was tucked messily inside, the other hanging freely. His cheeks gave off a soft pink hue, the clear evidence of what he had been doing with your sister, all over his body.

His first instinct is to recoil in embarrassment, after all, he and Ashlyn had thought everyone was asleep and they weren’t necessarily quiet. _Did you hear them? Is that why you were awake?_

The embarrassment quickly dissipates when he notices your blood shut eyes and your messy hair. His arm drops off from the wall from where he had been looking for the light switch.

You quickly snap your face away from his direction and rub underneath your eyes and cheeks.

“Everything ok?”

You nod curtly as you turn your entire body away from him, tucking your hair behind your ear. God forbid if your sister’s own boyfriend saw you crying.

Life just had to kick you in the ass multiple times.

“You don’t look okay.”

It’s not like you could tell him exactly what was up with you. To start, you barely knew him, and second, no one is even supposed to know that you cry- it made you feel pathetic and absolutely small.

You were crying because it was two in the morning and anything that ever tormented your life to make you the emo soul that you are hit you worse after midnight. It’s rare for you to even lay in bed at such an hour and not shed a tear or two. Truth is, your life was always a struggle and you felt like you never got a break.

No relationship you’ve ever been in was a success. There was always something that got in the way - either he was a cheater, he didn’t love you back, he was too old for you, or there was someone he loved more.

That was exactly what happened with you and Eddie. Sure it was three years ago, but it left you completely shattered.

Up until you had met Eddie, your love life had already been a disgrace and you had lost almost all faith to even continue searching for Mr. Right. But when you met Eddie, you thought all that had changed. You had thought he was different, that he loved you and always would. You had let down those walls for him and finally allowed another man into your life once more. You worked hard in school and on your relationship with him - letting everyone else out- for your sake in making it work with him and setting up a potential foundation for a future life together. 

But of course, that was all too good to be true. One day he told you that what he felt for you wasn’t love.

_Hot and heavy tears ran down your face as you stood in the middle of his living room, a Walgreens gift bag in your hand. It was valentines day and you had gotten him a rare copy of one of his favorite childhood books. But he didn’t know that yet, as it laid in the plastic bag wrapped up in blue tissue paper._

_You had sat crisscrossed in bed the night before wrapping it perfectly tight as you smiled to yourself, you were so happy at that moment in time._

_Though, you had never felt betrayal and worthless as you did as_ this _day right now._

_His voice was heavy and sultry - God you hated it now - as he explained himself, refusing to take the gift, “Look, Y/N. I think you misread my intentions.” He reached out to take the bag from you, setting it on a nearby table. You stood there emotionless and empty, letting him take it from you._

_Of course, it was just physical to him._

_Of course, you had read it wrong._

_“I appreciate the gesture, I do. But,” he looked at you in pity. Or maybe it was remorse. After all, he did know about your past and your other failed relationships. Just the phrase that he used to describe your gift for him - gesture- made you fall into a pit of blackness. He knew about you and all your insecurities and he had the audacity to just throw that all away, “but you’re not my girlfriend.”_

_You swallow the knot in your throat. A chuckle escapes you, almost sinisterly. Eddie frowns._

_“I should’ve known. After all, that’s what I’m good at right? Misreading intentions.”_

_You look up at him finally and he looks away immediately like a coward, almost caving into himself as he tried to look at anywhere but you. He knew you were right._

_You grow angrier at this._

_“Right? So you know what. Take the stupid shit that’s in the bag and take everything else that I’ve given you. My body, my secrets, and my fucking dignity.”_

_“Y/N, you’re perfect, just not my type as a girlfriend-“_

_You wanted to end your life then. Three years of your life he had wasted. You lost friends to spend time with him, you sacrificed_ time _, your virginity. You didn’t even want to question it anymore, you just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible and never want to look at him or any other boy ever again._

_Suddenly, you were numb to pain. You walked passed him and towards his front door. You felt him grab your arm._

_“Please.”_

_“Let go of me, Eddie. Just keep the book and let me go.”_

_And he did. You had practically run into your car and slammed your door shut in aggravation. You couldn’t believe that it had happened again. You threw your forehead against the steering wheel and began to wail, the pain cutting you from within your heart._

_At the moment int your life you vowed to yourself that you would let no one in ever again. You couldn’t commit anymore. True love just wasn’t for you, like Eddie said, you weren’t girlfriend material. You were fucking material and that's all you were good for. You were worthless._

During the day, the reminder that you were worthless didn’t really kill you so much. At times, you even forgot about it. But it was at night when you would get hit with the overwhelming emotions, that reminder that you were alone. And you felt so alone.

You and your sister had taken the Amtrak train to The Hamptons and the whole ride there she was talking about Bucky and his friends and how sweet they were. You could see in her eyes how excited she was for you to finally be out and that she was trying to remind you how loved you really are. She knew how you felt about yourself, especially Eddie, and she had grown extremely worried about you.

It didn’t help that you didn’t have a mother figure and she knew that, but she was feeling excited already. Ashlyn knew that even though you had self-esteem issues now, that you have started to at least put minimal effort - not none - to move on to better things. So the fact that you were going away to meet potential new friends was amazing in her book and great progress.

When the train had been about ten minutes from the station, you were leaning your forehead against the glass. The soft trickles of sun rain scattered its surface and a bit of the ray of light managed to peak through one of the clouds in the blue sky and make you warm inside. You grew anxiously as your leg bounced up and down in your seat.

You looked at the beautiful scenery of the million-dollar homes out in the horizon. This was definitely going to be different than what you were used to.

You heard Ashlyn tell Bucky that they would be arriving soon and you grew nervous.

This was it. This was the new beginning and you wished that everyone would be nice. After all, you were sensitive behind your new grown tough shell and demeanor.

When you and Ashlyn had gotten off the train, you both walked towards where Bucky said he would be standing to wait. You pulled your grey suitcase behind you as you looked around the station and the people. You lost count of the number of boys you saw wearing polos and sailor shoes. 

“I feel like I’m in white people central.”

Ashlyn snapped her head over to you and gave you a stern look, “Be nice.”

You rolled your eyes and smiled a bit, “I just hope they don’t all play golf or something.”

“Oh! There he is!”

You followed Ashlyn suit towards the exit. Through the glass, you could see Bucky standing by the door on the outside, looking around, his hands in his pants pocket.

“Bucky!” Ashlyn screamed not even having made it yet outside. You cringed inwardly, looking around and seeing people glaring.

Bucky clearly didn’t find that obnoxious, though, as he snapped his head around and smiled really wide.

His eyes crinkled at the sides and for some reason, you were kinda glad he wasn’t dressed like a classic frat boy. He wore a regular grey t-shirt and nice jeans with worn-out boots.

Ashlyn ran into Bucky’s arms as he wrapped himself around her spinning her around slightly, “I’m so glad you made it.” He nuzzled his face into the side of her hair by her neck and kissed her there lovingly. You tried not to gag, it was all so lovey-dovey.

No way any man could actually feel so happy, so quickly and so confidently, about another girl, right?

But then you felt sad again because you remembered it was your sister. Things only don’t work out for _you_. Oh, how you missed being in someone's arms like that.

You smiled sadly as you looked down at your suitcase, allowing your sister and her boyfriend to enjoy their moment.

“Bucky, you know Y/N.”

Bucky looked up from your sister’s face, where he had been lovingly staring, and then at you. He smiled and it reached his eyes. With his one arm that wasn’t around Ashlyn, he stretched out to shake your hand.

“Of course. Chipotle girl.”

You were stunned by the gentleman gesture of his hand. You took his hand and shook it and smiled.

“That’s me.”

Bucky let go of your hand and squeezed Ashlyn tighter against his side.

“Alright, why don’t you guys get in and I’ll put your stuff in the trunk. It should be a 25-minute drive to the house. Everyone is already waiting.”

You looked over to the left to see a black S-class Mercedes, and then back at Ashlyn with eyebrows raised.

She had the same look on her face and just shrugged with a smile. You shook your head to yourself also smiling at how insane this all was. She got into the passenger side and you carefully sat in the back. You were so scared to even leave a scratch on it. This car was worth more than your tuition and car combined.

“Dude, this is nuts.”

You let out a nervous breath through your nostrils as you crossed your hands in your lap. You eyed your skinny blue jeans from old navy and your dingy flats that you always wear. You felt uncomfortable all of a sudden.

You felt the trunk close down and then Bucky got into the driver's seat.

You looked up at him and saw him smile over at Ashlyn and take her hand in his.

“Y'all ready?”

You couldn’t say no, but no you weren’t.

“Hell, yea.” Your sister exclaimed with a laugh, “Do you know how long I’ve been wanting to take a vacation?” Bucky laughed.

The rest of the ride they talked and you allowed them to as you sulked in the back, looking at the scenery. It wasn’t long before Bucky picked up on your silence and kept eyeing you through his rearview mirror.

“She always this quiet?” You heard him ask your sister in a whisper, barely over the music.

He didn’t think you heard so he was caught off guard when your eyes suddenly snapped to his. He looked away quickly.

God, you hated when people talked about you in the third person.

“She’s fine, it’s just been a while since she’s been out and about.”  
  
“Yeah, I’m fine.” You answer curtly, hoping to give off a confident attitude, but instead, it comes off nasty and you are sure of this when Ashlyn give you a slightly dirty look in the side mirror.

The rest of the ride Bucky and Ashlyn talk about things that make them laugh and they share flirtatious looks and hand squeezes. You roll your eyes without meaning to.

It’s not that you were grossed out per se, but you just didn’t get it. How do some girls find this kind of love so easily and yet for you it’s so damn difficult to even get an “I like you” back? Also, this whole rich boy attitude Bucky was giving out did not seem genuine to you in the slightest.

Does a rich new york city boy just happen to find an upstate-middle-class-girl to be girlfriend material?

You watched way too much Gossip Girl to buy any of this. Something was up, it had to be.

You’re now in some rich people town because you see a golf club to your right and mansions on both sides. You see houses with lawns - big ass lawns- and you also see range rovers being driven by happy soccer moms who love cutting people off.

Suddenly, the car makes a left and you’re driving down what you thought was a street but was actually the driveway to a house.

It was huge.

It was white, about three stories high, and there were white columns circling it’s front and more cars parked around a fountain that laid right in the front.

The car pulls around right at that spot at the entrance and Bucky turns off the car.

“Alright, you guys ready to meet everyone?”  
  
_no._

Everyone gets out and you stand there, absolutely distraught, as you look up at the house in front of you. You hear distinct music thumping and the splashing of water.

Bucky pops open the truck and Ashlyn goes to his side, “I can get it,” Ashlyn insists.

“Baby, don’t worry about it. I’ll carry them both in, you guys just have to worry about having a good time.”

Ashlyn kisses him on the cheek.

“Buck!” You and your sister snap your eyes to where the voice came from and you see a gorgeous man with piercing eyes. You recognized him immediately from your Chipotle encounter.

“Hey, man.” Bucky greets, shutting the trunk closed. Both suitcases were already on his side.

The gorgeous man, that you remember as Steve, walks down the long steps to greet you and Ashlyn.

“Hey, I’m Steve. Nice to meet you guys.”

“Hi, I’m Ashlyn.”

“Why of course, I damn well know who you are, you’re all Buck talks about. Pleased to finally meet you.”

You notice Steve and Ashlyn’s first meeting to be nothing more or less than a genuinely friendly greeting. Maybe these people weren’t what you assumed.

Steve turns to you, “I recognize you from the other day, but I didn’t get your name I’m sorry,” he smiles shyly, a small red tint of his cheeks,

You smile back, surprised at his character, “Y/N.”

“Pleased to meet you, Y/N.” He smiles again.

You hear Bucky clear his throat, “Steve, you wanna take Y/N inside and show her around?”

“Yeah, sure.” You feel a hand on your back and Ashlyn shoots you a confident and friendly smile.

When you’re both inside, Steve takes you into the foyer. The air-conditioned air feels fantastic on your skin. The home was breathtaking and Steve smiles at your reaction. You look away embarrassed, “Sorry, I’m not used to _this_.”

“I understand,” he walks into the living room and points to the left, “that’s the TV right there if you ever feel antisocial,” he points to the right, “that’s the kitchen when you get the munchies in the middle of the night.”

You look out the glass window and you see a large pool and then you see _people._

You feel your face contort.

“Hey,” suddenly Steve’s voice is softer. He pulls you from your trance and his face looks concerned. He’s not sure what to say so he thinks for a second before speaking again. He reads you well, “Bucky told me you were younger than us,” you raise a brow, “but you don’t have to feel weird. We’re all friends here.”

You know that. You nod slightly and fidget with your hands, “Thanks.”

“Maybe you’ll feel better if I just introduce you to everyone first.”

And he does. You meet Natasha (but everyone calls her Nat). You’re immediately intimated by her because she’s gorgeous, so gorgeous you’d probably go lesbian for a night for her, but she ends up being the kindest soul. She offers you to come to her whenever you need anything or when you need to know where anything is. 

Next, you meet Sam. He’s just as sweet, if not, sweeter than Steve. Except he’s a bit sarcastic and comes off very strong when he offers to rub sunscreen on you later. But after Steve shoves him on the shoulder with a laugh and Sam smiles wide too, you see that that’s just how he is and he means no harm in it. It even makes you smile too and you tell him “ok” to which Steve looks shocked and Sam just laughs.

“See? I knew she’d like that.”

Next, you meet recently engaged Peter and Gamora and they are downright adorable. Sure, they’re much older, but for some reason, you find comfort after you meet them.

It surprises you how none of the people here are coming off to you as spoiled or dumb.

“That’s Parker,” Steve points out a younger kid towards the back by the grill, “and that’s Thor giving him a hot dog.”

Steve smiles over your shoulder and you feel a hand on it, “Hey! Did you meet everyone?”

You spin around to see your sister. Now you were feeling more comfortable and more like yourself than you did when you first arrived.

“Yeah! They seem cool.” you smile, “Sam seems like an idiot but everyone else is not that bad.”

You hear a laugh and it’s Bucky coming up behind Ashlyn. He wraps his arm around her waist, “Yeah Sam is an idiot. I’m glad you agree.”

Bucky looks over at the water.

“Y'all going in or what?”

You end up having a surprisingly great time for your first afternoon with your new friends. Who you didn’t expect to get the most along with was Nat, but you did.

After the pool party, everyone decided to burn some wood in the fire pit.

Sam and Steve are burning marshmallows, Nat is cross-legged as she skims through her phone, and Ashlyn sits in Bucky’s lap.

You feel a nudge on your left arm and you see that it’s Steve giving you the stick with the marshmallow.

You shake your head, “Nah, it’s okay I’m not hungry anymore. I had way too many cheeseburgers.” 

Steve’s face falls, “Okay. I had made it for you.”

He looks sad and you regret telling him no. You snatch the stick out of his hand once he’s turned away, “Fine!” You exclaim, stuffing the marshmallow in your mouth.

Everyone laughs, and Nat stares at you impressed, a faint smile on the side of her lips.

“Speaking of Cheeseburgers, I swear I saw you swallow down at least like five of those,” Bucky accuses with a teasing tone.

“I told you, she eats like crazy.” Ashlyn chuckled in his lap.

“Yeah, but like where does it go? A little girl like you.”

“Stop teasing her.” Steve insists.

That’s the second time Bucky's referenced you like that since you’ve met and you have to ask. You take a moment, swallowing all of the marshmallows.

“Why do you keep calling me that?”

Bucky raises a brow, surprised by how upfront your question is.

“Because you’re, you know, really small.”

You weren’t like your sister, curvy in just the right spots, you weren’t tall. You were five two and looked like an eighteen-year-old. You wait till the remnants of the marshmallow are gone and you excuse yourself for a drink from the kitchen.

You’re grabbing a coke from the fridge minding your own business, seriously considering telling everyone you’re gonna shower and get to bed when you hear the door to the backyard close again. You look over to the right side of the island and see Nat.

She smiles softly.

“Hey.”

“Hey, Nat.” She’s sitting on the stool, smiling at you knowingly.

“No offense but you’re kinda creeping me out.”

She chuckles, “Sorry, it’s just I think Steve really likes you.”

You practically choke on your drink, coughing sporadically as you set your can down.

“What?”

Steve was hot, dreamy, almost superhero-like, and probably one of the sweetest souls you’ve ever met. No way he could be interested in you, and even if he was there was no way you could go there, it’s not why you came on this trip.

“I can just tell. Plus, Steve isn’t the kind to go after girls who are superficial, I think there’s something about you that he really likes.”

You consider her words and at first, you’re overwhelmingly flattered, especially if she was right. But yet again this couldn’t happen.

You cross your arms over the counter and sigh, “Even if you’re right, it’s not why I came. I’m trying to be happy again, not to meet some guy.”

Nat nods, “Yeah, I totally get that, no pressure. I just wanted to let you know because you seem like a great girl and he clearly sees that.”

You smile, “Thanks, Nat.”

And you would think that conversation would make you feel better about yourself but it does the exact opposite. When everyone goes to bed that night, you’re still up trying to fall asleep. You start thinking about how happy Ashlyn is, you see how gorgeous Nat is and you think about your past relationships and Eddie and that stupid damn book you bought him.

Suddenly, your pillow is covered in tears and you sob into your pillowcase.

You didn’t want to date anytime soon and you were afraid of falling in love. Because what if he only loved you so much and not enough? Not just thinking about Steve, but anyone.

You sit up once your sobbing stops, but tears still leak out. You leave your bedroom, careful to not make too much noise to wake anyone, tiptoeing, and walk downstairs to the kitchen.

You needed a beer.

Just the thought that only alcohol could make you feel better makes you cry again and you wipe your tears on the end of your sleeve.

And that’s how Bucky found you.

-

“You don’t look okay.”

You hear his bare feet walking across the floor towards you and he turns the light on.

“No, keep them off.”

He doesn’t say anything but obeys you, turning them back off.

“You’re crying.”

You roll your eyes.

“Yeah. Never seen a girl cry before? I’m sure you haven’t, everyone in your life seems oh so happy with their Mercedes and their Rolex watches.”

Bucky’s quiet and you peak up at him. Hurt flashes across his face for a second.

It’s not that you were a bitch, but it was two in the morning and you were overbearingly emotional right now. You would snap at a tomato if you wanted to.

Bucky pulls his sweats a little tighter at the strings, feeling exposed and embarrassed.

“I’m sorry if I in any way made you feel uncomfortable. If it’s the _little thing_ comment, I swear I’ll stop.”

A look of confusion comes across your face. That’s what he thought you were crying about?

“I just can’t help it, you eat so much shit and you’re so,” he looks over you once with a really intense concentrated face (almost like he was solving a math equation), “ _small_.”

You roll your eyes, “Where’s the beer?”

Bucky is quiet for a second, confused, and then says, “In the fridge, bottom shelf.”

You take one for yourself and then hesitate for a moment before grabbing another. You close the fridge door and stretch out your hand handing him the drink.

He looks at you and then taking it, “Thanks.”

He takes this as a permission to sit on the stool across from you. You’re opening shelves and cabinets attached to the island and it takes him a moment to realize what you’re looking for.

“Far-left drawer.”

You open it as told and you find the bottle opener. Without a care in the world, you snap open your bottle and then you hand over the opener for him to do the same.

You both stand there for a good five minutes in comfortable silence before you run your hand through your hair, sadness numbed by the alcohol.

“I wasn’t crying over your comment.”

Bucky realizes that you’re about to open up to him and he starts playing with the condensation on the beer glass, “Okay. I’ll bite. Why were you crying?”

“A bunch of shit, really. But it mostly has to do with my Ex, to sum up.”

“Oh.” Bucky’s eyebrows furrow, “I’m sorry. Ex’s can be tough when things end badly.”

The alcohol enters your system once more after another swing and you snap, “Actually no,” Bucky jumps up a bit surprised by your outburst, “if we’re being honest, he wasn’t even my ex. He wasn’t even my boyfriend.” You drag a stool onto your side and sit down across from him, “I was his fuck buddy for three years, but during that entire time I thought we were dating but he doesn’t let me know until three years later that he could care less about me.”

Bucky looks shocked, a mixture of your situation, and also that you just cursed in front of him. He was honestly at lost for words. But he understood partially why you were a wreck right now.

“I’m sorry.”

You roll your eyes again.

“Yep, that’s what everyone says. You know sometimes, that’s not enough.” You take another swing.

Bucky does the same, “Look, I don’t want to come off cold, but sometimes that’s the only thing that can be said.”

You don’t like that answer, at all. He knows you don’t by the reaction on your face, kind of like you want to break the beer bottle against the counter and stab him with the shard.

“I’m just saying, from a guy’s point of view, sometimes I’m sorry it’s all we can say. You can’t choose who you love. If a guy fucks you with no feelings attached, I do agree that he should make that settled from the get-go and not let it go on, but if he’s not showing any romantic interest in you and decided he doesn’t want to be with you, it’s not his choice.”

You ponder that for a second. And surprisingly, it makes sense. He’s right.

“I guess the problem is that no one wants me romantically.”

“I think you’re afraid.” You look away from him and at your hands, “There will always be someone who loves you for you and not for sex, you just need to not be afraid to find that still. Trust me. It will happen to you.”

Maybe Bucky was right, you think. Maybe you need to let someone in, and by that let them get to know _you_ not your lady parts.

“I’m not just saying this because you’re my girlfriend’s little sister, but trust me. Some day, someone will love you for _you_.”

You finish the last bit of your beer. You lay your glass down and then tip your head to the side at him. He looks back at you, questionably.

“And did that happen for you?”

-

_Present Day_

You had a great day with your sister, she was honestly one of the best people in your life right now.

But all you could think about was how you promised her that you would make things work as much as possible between you and Bucky for her sake. When she had started crying in your arms that had done it for you.

You had to leave the past behind, no matter how much it hurt. No matter how different you wished things happened, you had to stop. He had to stop. He used to be one of the strongest and smartest men in your life and he was treating you awfully.

You had to speak to him - you did.

When he had gotten home that afternoon, he had avoided you like the plague and you did the same until you gathered your thoughts on how to go about the situation. He had quickly gone to his home office to catch up on work while Ashlyn cooked dinner and you helped out. When Bucky refused to join you two, you realized this would be harder than you thought.

Hours later you found yourself cooped up in your guest room, job searching on your laptop. Honestly, you weren’t even exactly sure what it was you were searching for.

You heard Bucky and Ashlyn arguing in the background and you tried to drown it out as much as possible, plugging an earbud in.

A few minutes later after they stopped, there was a knock on your door.

Your head snaps up and you wonder who it is, a weird feeling of fear in your gut. You push your laptop away from you and get up to open the door.

You’re surprised to see Bucky on the other side, a nasty look on his face. He looked angry and you swallow down nervously.

He steps up to you and you take a step back, surprised.

You realize he did that so he can close the door behind them and so Ashlyn wouldn’t hear.

“I told you to stay away from her.” He’s whispering fiercely. The little dance show in the kitchen had left him distraught. “the last thing I need from you is for you to ruin my relationship with my wife by your mere presence.”

You recoil back in hurt, eyes suddenly darting to the floor.

He hates this, hates that you can’t even look at him.

“Look at me, Y/N.”

The words leave you breathless as a strong memory shakes you. It’s the same ones he said to you that night but under a completely different circumstance.

You feel yourself start to shake. Slowly, and with uncertainty, you look up at him.

You’ve never seen him like this- so angry. His eyes are hard and furious, his posture broad and confident.

“The moment you walked into this building, everything has been falling apart, and she can’t know why. Every second of every day you spend more time with her, she is closer to knowing.”

A thought enters your mind. You knew Bucky, you knew that he always liked to appear powerful and domineering, but deep inside he was a big Labrador. You knew just how to make things look like you two were at least talking to make your sister happier. You had to one-up him.

With a confidence that you had lost the moment you saw him, you regained it in a millisecond, and you stood up taller on your feet.

You took a step towards him.

You saw his own confidence falter for just a second and yours grew.

“She’s my sister, she comes first in my life before you. So I’m going to do as she asked. I think that we can at least pretend to be civil in front of her for her sakes don’t you think? I’m assuming she thinks you’re right here in my room right now to try and patch things up? Is that what you told her? “ _no worries baby I’ll try to talk to her”?_ ”

He looks away from you, his nostrils flaring up, “Little does she know that you’re trying to push me away, doing the exact opposite of what you’re telling her. You’re trying to hide something that you know will destroy her life. You don’t even care that you’re lying straight to her damn face.”

“Fuck you.” He looks back up at you, his blue eyes digging themselves into your own. He meant those two words and it hurt you to the core. It hurt so much.

Your eyes start tearing up again but you don’t stop, “You know I hold so much more power in her life than yours. You know that I could destroy you with one sentence, there’s no consequence for me except my sister’s love. You would lose everything, so you’re afraid. Instead of owning up and being responsible and tell her the truth you run away. You’re a pussy, Barnes.” You take another step up to him. But he doesn’t budge - not him with his stupid overconfidence and reputation.

“You’re an awful husband.” 

That does it for him. He’s pushing you up against the glass window, a pointer finger jammed into your chest. He’s breathing hard and so are you. Except that his isn’t out of anger anymore, he looks like he’s trying not to cry.

“I _love_ ,” he voice breaks embarrassingly so. He takes a deep breath as he examines your face, trying to control his emotions, “ _I love_ my wife. Fuck you,” His voice falters into a whimper, “I _love_ her. I love _her._ ”

You feel your lips shaking and you don’t know why those words hurt. They shouldn’t, but they do.

You look down at his finger because you can’t stand to see the wetness in his eyes.

“She’s my baby, you get that?” You swallow hard, a burning sensation growing in your throat, “huh?!” He jams the finger a bit harder into you and a sob escapes you, but not from physical pain, “She is my _wife_ , and I don’t want one stupid meaningless night to get in the way of that. Clearly, it was a _mistake._ ”

You open your eyes that you hadn’t even realized you had closed and a few tears fall onto your cheeks.

How many times will he tell you to fuck off? You never thought he’d ever say such a thing to you, ever.

“You’re nothing like the man I used to know.” You say through clenched teeth.

“Well, guess what. You kind of ruined that the moment you said those three goddamn words.”

You freeze. You know exactly the words he’s talking about and when you had said them. But the fact that he’s using that moment and those words to treat you the way he now makes you scared and feel so small.

You had meant it when you said them and you were in a vulnerable state of intense pleasure. The stupid pussy won't even admit it that he had said them back, too.

You take a deep breath and snarl, “Get off of me.” He does and suddenly you can breathe again. You’re breathing hard against the glass and he watches you, his own face still quite mad, but that moment of sadness is quickly gone.

You look away and look towards the other side of the wall, thinking intensely. This was toxic. This was a mess.

You look back at him and you see that his confidence has dissipated and if it’s any emotion he’s holding onto now it’s exhaustion. He sits down on your bed, completely numb, staring at the corner of your floor.

“For my sister, I will act around you like everything is okay again. And I’ll keep quiet about it. But just know it won’t make you a better man.”

“You think I don’t know that?” He snaps. He takes a deep breath and runs a hand over his face.

He decided then and there that he would follow up with your plan. They would have to at least act like they’re okay in front of Ashlyn, even though secretly they were toxic.

“Okay. For Ashlyn.”

It was always for _her_.

 

 _I know that you got a lot on your plate_  
_You keep telling me I should get out of your way_  
_But I can't see how you gon' lie to my face_  
_Don't tell me you fine 'cause I know that you not so don't even try_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ready for the ride? We start at the beginning. We learn more about Bucky. and, huh? Nat? Bucky asks Ashlyn a very important question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a tricky chapter. In fact, I re-wrote it twice and changed my mind with how I wanted to do it and totally erased the whole thing and started from scratch. The transition was difficult and I wanted to make it as direct to the point as possible.

 

 _And here's to the nights_  
We felt alive  
Here's to the tears  
You knew you'd cry

* * *

 

  __

_Montauk, NY _7 years earlier_ _

The trip lasted for about two more days, and it ended up being a complete blast. The day after the pool party, you had all woken up bright and early. You remember waking up and cringing as the bright sun peeked from behind the curtains in your guest bedroom. You winced and cursed. You had a slight headache from last night.

You hated being a damn lightweight. Just one sip and you already knew the next morning a dumb migraine would follow you around.

Thankfully, after a cup of coffee and an Advil, it began to go away. Everyone gathered around the kitchen island as they all decided what they’d do for the day for fun. Once it was settled, you made your way out into town.

The town was pretty, it had its handmade stone laid streets and it was clean. Vintage light posts lined the streets, and even though it was day time they remained on, illuminating and. creating a calm and romantic glow. Couples walked down the sidewalk hand and hand. Some of them had kids who they would push in their expensive strollers.

Some were tourists, some were here for the summer, and some were leaving their beach homes for a walk into town for some fresh air and good breakfast.

You walked alongside Nat and Sam while Steve, Bucky, and Ashlyn kept stopping to look at some antiques through the windows. Your group insisted to walk into the stores instead of just looking from the outside.

You strolled into the touristy gift shops and felt inclined to buy a white sweatshirt that said _Montauk_ on it.

Next, you went to breakfast at a little five-star corner restaurant that barely fit all six of you around a corner table. It was fantastic. At one point, the syrup had practically sprayed out of your nose after Nat said something offensive about Sam.

Sam snarled in annoyance and Bucky and Ashlyn threw their head back in chuckles. Meanwhile, Nat and Steve made you laugh even more.

You were honestly having the time of your life. You didn’t expect to feel so comfortable so quickly and you couldn’t be more thankful to have actually made such good friends.

Eventually, the sun had begun to set - the sky was turning into a dark blue with specks of purple and pink.

You were all walking down Main St to go to a gorgeous restaurant Ashlyn had found on yelp when you felt a slight nudge on your arm. If you had been daydreaming, you almost wouldn’t have felt it.

You looked over to your left to see Steve smirking down at you. His blue eyes (did they have green in them? _Jesus H. christ.)_ sparkled and his pure white smile made you feel funny inside. His sincerity was overbearing.

The way he looked at you reminded you of what Nat had told you yesterday in the kitchen and you felt a deep blush make its way up to your neck. You snapped your head and cleared your throat, trying not to smile.

It was nice to experience something for once that wasn’t depression or fear. In that instance, you felt total happiness. It was a nice change from your everyday routine. And while you constantly felt Steve’s eyes on you, he obviously hadn’t looked away even though you did.

You felt that tug that made you want to have a conversation, but you maintained your distance because that’s not what you wanted- not yet.

 

Sure, the circumstances around you made you want that, but your heart could be deceiving. You had to use your brain, and right now what your brain told you was that you had to take things one step at a time. Right now, the only first step you were truly worried about was making friends. So you simply smiled and allowed your hair to fall onto the left side of your face, trying to hide your blushing profile as much as possible.

Steve understood immediately and looked away slightly embarrassed. Friendship was nice. It had a nice ring to it.

Before you and Ashlyn had left that Sunday night, you made sure to take everyone’s number - even Steves'. He was surprised at first but knew that this was because you thought of him as a friend. So, of course, he didn’t overthink it and gladly gave it to you with a bright platonic smile.

You would all keep in touch. You were definitely looking forward to finding out more about these new people because something told you in your gut that there was more to them then what they looked to be; you were looking forward to it.

Your conversation with Bucky that Friday night showed you just that.

“So what did you think?”

Ashlyn had asked you breathlessly after you both struggled for about two minutes to get your luggage onto the luggage rack above the seats.

You smiled and leaned your head against the cold glass. “They’re all really sweet, Ash. Bucky seems great for you.” You can see her little smile in your peripheral, “I can tell why you both like each other so much.”

And you were telling the truth, even though he came off like a total rich boy, he seemed to have qualities that resembled that of Ashlyn.

“You know,” She started softly. That got your attention and you looked over to see her staring at you, her eyes glossed over, “I still remember the first time we met. I was actually in the city running some errands and I was wearing this dumb hat, my lame attempt at trying to be fashionable on a weekend out, and it was really windy.” You watched her eyebrows knit together as that day played over in her mind. You hadn’t heard this story and you were quickly interested, “I kid you not, my hat flew across the street onto fifth and suddenly it was gone. I was so confused because how does one just lose a hat like that, right?” She chuckles, almost in disbelief, “I walked all the way down a block until I was on 42nd and there was a guy there. He looked good. Like really good.”

Her smile grew wide and you smiled back. The story was delicate and something out of a very tale.

“And then he invited me out for some coffee and we went. He’s the sweetest man I’ve ever met. Y/N.”

The way she says it, almost too seriously, makes you gulp. This wasn’t just your sister bragging about some cute guy anymore, this was about a man she really truly cared about.

She clears her throat and looked down. At that moment she reminded you slightly of your mom. Oh, how you missed your momma.

“I know I’ve only known him for a couple of weeks, but is it crazy to say I see myself spending the rest of my life with him?”

All this considered, normally you would’ve said yes, but for some reason, this felt legit. Just the weekend you all spent together proved that. You took her hand in yours and caressed the back of it comfortingly.

“Not at all, Ash. I guess that’s just how it is for some people. Like look at Kelly, she and her boy went out for what? Five months? And then they already got engaged. It’s just like that for some people.”

You both sat there in silence for a bit, just thinking. You optimistically were thinking about how your life was changing for the best while Ashlyn’s thoughts were on her future with Bucky.

He loved her and you could tell. If Bucky knew about what happened with your family and still went to the extent that he did this weekend for Ashlyn and you, you were certain that he cared deeply.

“Dude. I can see the way he looks at you.”

* * *

 

Barnes Enterprises _, New York, NY_

That following Monday in the city was dark, rainy, and cold. Businessmen ran into their offices with their suits covered in wet droplets and the women held on tightly to their umbrellas as the wind picked up. On the fifth, Barnes enterprises stood proudly in the middle of the city, the companies name big and prestigious for everyone to see.

At the reception desk sat a young girl with short black hair who typed away on her computer with her freshly done gel nails. From her right, a redhead walked by, speed walking as she looked through the papers on her clipboard. Her grey suit hugged her in just the right spots. The men who worked there knew her well, but still couldn’t help but look every time.

The black-haired girl looked up from her desk just for a second to greet her, “Morning, miss Romanoff.”

“Charlie.” Nat greeted back as she flipped another one of the sheets over.

Nat had just pressed the down button on her elevator when someone came to stand beside her. She looked over and smirked.

She felt him lean over her shoulder and look at her clipboard.

“He’s meeting with Stark?”

Nat looked up at Bucky, “Well, you know your father. He never quits.”

Bucky shook his head with a slight smile. The elevator beeps as the door opens and they both step in.

Nat looks him up and down as he presses the number 78. He narrows his eyes at her, “What?”

“You work for one of the richest men in the city and yet you still show up in a plaid shirt and jeans.”

Bucky rolls his eyes as the doors close.

“I didn’t have time to change.”  
  
“It’s 8 in the morning, where the hell were you coming from?” Bucky says nothing and Nat knows he’s lying. She rolls her eyes and drops the conversation, after all, they’ve had it at least a hundred times already,

The elevator continues to zoom on up when Nat speaks again, “It was a nice weekend. I had a good time.”

A big smile came over his face as he bites his bottom lip, “It really was.” He sticks his hands into his front pockets and Nat smirks knowingly.

“You’re serious about her, huh?” Bucky blushes, kicking the elevator floor with his boot. “Don’t act like I don’t know. The only other girl you’ve ever taken to one of our Hampton “pool parties” was me back in college. But we had been dating for five months, you and Ashlyn have hardly been together that long and you took her. And we all know why.”

Bucky looks over at Nat, a look on his face that he knew he couldn’t hide. Nat just continued to smile.

“ _Nat_.”

Nat hugged her clipboard tight to her chest. “You love her. I’m happy for you.”  
  
Bucky caves in and lets out a loud sigh as he runs a hand through his hair, “She’s amazing. Ever since I first laid my eyes on her I just had a feeling that she would change my life forever.”

“I’m happy for you. You deserve it after what you went through.”

“Thanks, Nat.”

Nat takes in a deep breath and lets out a long “So…”

Bucky raises a brow at her.

“How about Steve and her sister, huh? Come on they are so cute together.”

Bucky chuckles deep in his chest, “Yeah I guess. He did say he thinks she’s really cute. But I don’t know, she seems too feisty for him. Kinda like a piranha.”

“The hell?” Nat laughs out loud.

“I’m serious. Like I’m kinda scared of her. She’s a lot different than Ashlyn. Ashlyn’s vanilla, rainbows, and a box of puppies.”

“And Y/N?”

Bucky thinks for a moment, “I mean, I guess she could be a box of puppies, but definitely not golden retrievers. Maybe Chihuahuas.”

“I don’t know, she seems like she just really needs a friend right now. I like her a lot, actually.”

Bucky fakes gasps and puts a hand up to his chest dramatically as he threw his head back, “Oh, my god. Are you a lesbian?”

“Shut up, Barnes.”

* * *

They both step out together and say their goodbyes. Nat heads off to her side of the floor as Bucky continues on straight. Another girl - named Vanessa- with a really short skirt and double D boobs in a slightly unbuttoned white dress shirt greats him. Bucky says hello back, trying not to cringe at her whore-ness. He still couldn’t understand why his father would allow such an inappropriate dress code.

Actually, scratch that, he knew why.

Bucky arrives at the end of the hallway in front of two large doors and he knocks nonchalantly. With his other hand, he skims through his phone, looking for Steve’s name. He just found it when he hears a strong “come in”.

Bucky opens the door and steps into the large office. The curtains were all open giving them a 180-degree view of the entire city. Even in its ugly days it was still spectacular. 

The man sat at the mahogany desk all the way towards the right, leaning back in his leather two thousand dollar chair, twirling a pen in his right hand.

The older man glared at him as he saw him only interested in the phone in his hand.

“Hey, dad.” Bucky mutters, walkings towards his desk.

His father continues to stare at him disapprovingly. He was an older man, in his 50s but still put together. An early grey fox at his finest. No wonder the women here were all eye candy for him.

“Have a seat, son.”

Bucky blindly looks for the chair in front of the desk and sits down on it. He’s typing out the iMessage and he hears his father clear his throat.

“Sorry, I just gotta tell Steve something.” His father sighs in aggravation as he throws his crossed hands onto the desk in front of him. There’s silence and then the sound of the swoosh of the message being sent. Bucky tucks his phone into his pocket and looks up at his father.

He doesn’t look too happy.

“What’s up, dad?”

His father examines him and then takes a deep breath, “I need you to be taking this business a little more seriously.” Bucky bites the inside of his cheek, “I know you’re more like your mother - god she was so damn relaxed all the damn time - but eventually, I’m going to need you to be more like me.”

“Wow, Dad. I almost felt mom just turn over in her grave just now.”

“Is this a joke to you, James?” His father snarls. Bucky avoids contact, realizing he went too far with that comment. It was just that this whole business thing always drove him mad. It wasn’t who he was meant to be. He just wasn’t his father. But _he was_ still his father.

Mr. Barnes realizes that Bucky regrets his words as he sulks down in his seat. He drops his head back down and sighs.

“Look, I know it was even harder for you after you came back from Afghanistan and your injury-”

At this, Bucky rolls his eyes and shifts in his seat, “Seriously, dad?”

-“but it looked good in the press.”  
  
Bucky turns slightly red at this and his voice raises, “I didn’t do it for the press. I wanted to save lives.”

“I understand, why it’s why you need to start changing. You’re not twenty-one anymore. People are _looking_ now.”

“What are you saying? That I need to turn into the next Christian Grey?”  
  
“You’re dressed like a child, Bucky. You’re always on your damn phone and you refuse to come to any work meetings.”

Bucky rolls his eyes again.

“My illness is taking a toll on me, more than we thought,”

Bucky freezes at this as his face drops even further. He peaks up at his father, his eyes dark, “ _What_? I thought you were getting better. You went into remission. Look, if this is another sick way of you trying to get me to be this CEO person you so want me to be-“

“It came back. Just found out this morning.”

Bucky is frozen at the words. He couldn’t believe it, all this time he thought his father was indestructible. After months of chemo and hospitals visits and finally beating it, it was back.

Sitting right there in front of his father’s sunken eyes he could tell just how desperate he really was.

“And one day soon I will no longer be here.”

“Dad-“

Bucky’s voice was soft, sad.

“I’m going to need someone to take on the Barnes name.”

For the first time in his life, Bucky actually considers it. He sits there in silence as he takes everything in. He’s heard of stories of how when people usually get diagnosed again after remission, the chances of survival become really slim. He looks around the office, around the city.

As much as he didn’t like the idea of it, he did love his father.

“What do you need me to do? I told you, I’m not a republican.”  
  
Mr. Barnes chuckles. It was a mixture of humor and relief. “That’s fine. I will not pressure you on that. Not yet. But first, you need to stop being so damn sensitive, next get rid of that damn car-“

Bucky frowns, triggered.

“What’s wrong with my car?”

“It’s old, James. It’s all rusted, it makes weird sounds. David said he went to go move it the other day so we could use the parking spot and the damn thing trembles whenever he breaks. Don’t you realize how that makes us look? You can buy any car you heart desires, we have the money for it-“

“Seriously, dad? You’re gonna go at me because of a damn car?”

“It’s about your image. People are looking for things like that, especially with the paps. Speaking of, I saw you with a lady. What’d you take with you in the Hamptons?”

“I took your car. Mine was in the shop, the exhaust pipe went out again.” Bucky says nonchalantly, gesturing with his hand as if it were nothing. He hears his father sigh again.

“Look. I just want you to -“

“To not be me. I get it.”

“Tonight you’re going to have another chance to prove yourself. There’s a Sothebys auction event at the plaza. I need you to be a Barnes. If you want to make your father proud, you’re going to need your prove yourself.”

Bucky pinches the bridge of his nose and thinks about it.

Once he’s thought it over, he drops his hand onto his leg, “Alright. Can I bring a date?”

* * *

The Plaza, _New York, NY_

It was gorgeous. You’ve only ever walked by The Plaza when you bought waffles off the waffle truck in central park, but you never thought you’d find yourself in it one day and with an exclusive invitation.

Sure, you were a plus-plus one but still.

You felt like you stood out like a sore thumb in your average J Crew long dress. Granted, though, it was the most expensive one you owned.

You had blown out your hair and it cascaded all-around your flawlessly done face and your shoulders. You felt out of your shell but you were promised that your new friends would be here and they would be just as obnoxiously pretty so you wouldn’t feel out of place.

When Bucky invited Ashlyn, he told her to tell you that you could accompany Nat. He didn’t tell Ashlyn but Bucky didn’t want to add the pressure after what you told him in the kitchen and invite Steve as your date, even though he knew how much interest he had in you.

You’ve barely made it twenty steps into the lobby and cameras are snapping away at you and Ashlyn like mad. You felt dizzy and blind, not being completely used to so many lights going off. 

“Hey!”

A familiar voice and you and Ashlyn spin around to see Bucky and Nat.

His hair was combed to perfection and he looked like a walking magazine model. He wore an all-black Hugo Boss tux with matching black dress shoes.

Ashlyn practically yelped as he took her into his arms, “Hey gorgeous.”

When they pulled away, she cupped the side of his cheek and shook her head in disbelief, “God, you look _so_ good.”

He bit his lip before giving her a peck and whispered, “Yeah, but have you seen _you_?”

“ _Oy.”_ You groaned in disgust. It was all so cheesy.

“I know it’s really gross. But kinda sweet.” Nat mumbled. She looked hot with her red hair curled, Marilyn Monroe style, with a tight red mermaid dress that probably cost as much as your annual salary. She hooks her arm with yours and hugs you tight to her side, “Come on, let's find the others.”

You walk off and leave the love birds to be.

Bucky hooked his arm in with Ashlyn’s and they begin walk arm in arm. He tried his best to not grimace at the blinding lights. He smiles professionally from left to right at the yelling of his name.

He looks over at Ashlyn and sees her almost cringing. He frowns, “I know this can be a bit intimidating.”  
  
“A bit? Everyone here makes at least 90 dollars an hour, meanwhile, I make close to nothing waiting tables at a diner."  
  
“and that’s why I love you. You’re not fake, you don’t care about that stuff, you care about things that truly matter.” He walks with Ashlyn until they’re both in the ballroom.

The room looks breathtaking, the lights were dimmed and huge centerpieces lay in the middle. Some people sat while others swayed to the soft music that was played by the jazz band on the dance floor.

Ashlyn and you had googled online how much the tickets for these events cost if you weren’t personally invited and you both found out that the cheapest ones were about three thousand per guest, and that was the table by the kitchen.

“That’s us up there.” Bucky’s motions up by the center of the room with his hands that were still intertwined with hers. Ashlyn immediately spots Steve, Sam, Nat, you, and two other people Ashlyn didn’t know already sitting down and smiling.

“Look who it is. It’s Mr. and Mrs. Smith.” Sam jokes as Ashlyn and Bucky take their seats. Bucky pulls out Ashlyn’s seat for her to sit and then he sets between her and Steve.

“Yeah, well, at least I have a Mrs. Smith.” Bucky retaliates and then scoots himself closer to the table. Everyone oohs and Bucky smiles.

The rest of the night goes well, Bucky attempts his best to come off as professional as possible, occasionally standing to talk to some well-known people and making business conversations with them. That’s why he was here after all. He’s in the middle of talking to some apparently really important man named Wallace when he meets his father’s eyes.

For some reason that made Bucky sad. Mostly because it hit him why he was doing this. He was doing this for him. He smiles at his dad and continues to talk to Mr. Wallace.

After a couple of interviews and some talking, Bucky decides he needs to take a seat before dessert, or at least enjoy his date for the night.

On his way to the table he spots Steve making conversation with Y/N and he sees how you’re trying to shy away. He frowns. He sees you get up from the table, excusing yourself to use to the restroom.

Bucky’s glad when Ashlyn follows her. When he sits down next to Steve he starts, “Steve. You gotta be careful with her.”

Steve takes a sip of his wine, “Bucky. I’m not gonna make a move, not yet.”

Bucky nods, also pouring himself some wine, “I told you, she’s not in a good place right now.”

“She seems fine to me.”  
  
“Yeah, well she’s not.” Bucky snaps.

Steve narrows his eyes at him and so does Nat, suddenly intrigued, “What’s going on?”  
  
Bucky sighs when he sees everyone looking at him. He takes a deep breath.

“Look, the other day at the house I walked into the kitchen and she was crying. She told me why and let's just say that if you’re interested in her, be smart about it. She’s got emotional baggage.”

“Who’s got emotional baggage?”

You felt rage, you saw white.

Bucky freezes at the sound of your voice.

Nat gaps up at you and tries to come up with a lie, “Just this guy.”

You look down at Bucky and then at Steve, feeling embarrassed and ashamed. You just couldn’t believe Bucky would out you out like that. Nat could lie all she wanted to protect you, but you knew he was talking about you.

“But you said ‘she’.”

Nat stayed silent while Bucky and Steve both looked down at the table.

Suddenly, Sam spoke up, “I love this song.” He walked around over to you and gave you his hand, “Y/N, would you care for a dance?”

You weren’t going to be upset. If anything, you and Bucky would deal with it later. So you pulled yourself together and all your embarrassment and gave Sam a big smile, sliding your hands into his, “I’d love to.”

They both walk off and everyone looks at each other in awkward silence.

“What the hell was that?” Ashlyn asked, placing her hand on Bucky’s shoulder.

Bucky sighs and gets up, holding Ashlyn’s hands tightly in his.

“I’ll explain later. But right now,” he looks a strand of her hair behind her ear and then caresses her cheekbone, “I want to dance with you.”

Ashlyn smiles sweetly at him.

Once they’re on the dance floor, Bucky holds one of her hands while the other holds onto her waist, pulling her tight up against him.

Bucky feels bad but he decides he’ll deal with that later. He pulls Ashlyn closer to him and they both sway to _Beyond The Sea_ , his head leaning against the side of her face.

At that moment, they are both so content.

“But let's be honest, it would be nice to live in this kind of lifestyle.”  
  
He leans down with a smile and speaks softly into her ear, making goosebumps come up on her arms, “You’re perfect. You’re perfect.” He kisses under her lobe and she moans.

He continues to whisper sweet nothings to her and she giggles.

_We’ll meet beyond the shore_

“You’re better than all this.”

They sway.

 _Happy we’ll be beyond the sea_  
  
“That’s the same as saying I’m too good for you.” He feels her hand on his neck and she pulls the little hairs there and he shivers, “I’m not too good for you. I’m perfect for you, and you’re perfect for me.” He sighs contently into her hair.

_I know beyond a doubt_

She pulls back and stares up at him. She holding both sides of his face as she looks at his eyes, his eyelashes, his little nose. She smiles.

“I love you, Bucky.”

That was the first time she had said that to him. His heart beats wildly in his chest and he grabs her by her waist even tighter - almost leaving a bruise- and he leans down and kisses her deeply.

And then it’s just them in that entire room and he’s _content._

He lifts his arm away from the hand that was holding hers and runs it through her gorgeous hair.

When he pulls away he stares at her for a long pause. The back of his hand caresses the side of her faced tenderly, “I have an idea. You want to stay with me as much as I want to stay with you, then work for me.”

She stops swaying and brings her hand up to his that is still on her face. She’s in total disbelief as she gapes up at him.

“What?”

He smiles. “Okay that sounds bad, work _with_ me. You can help me run the company. I know it’s not the best idea to mix relationship with work but my parents did it, we can do it, too. I can show you how to do everything, you can start at the bottom, maybe an assistant job at first, and it’ll be good pay, you’ll have your own office-“

Ashlyn is shaking her head in disbelief, a tight knot in her throat, “Bucky. Bucky stop.” He stops stunned. Was she turning him down?

She smiles widely, “Are you serious right now?”

Bucky smiles, and pecks her on the lips, “You’re already moving out of your home. I’ll help you get an apartment here.”

“In Manhattan?”

“Yes.”

“Bucky, this is all just, so…I’m stunned. It’s not too fast?”

“I love you, Ashlyn. And I think there’s no more perfect time than now.”

_So long, sailing, no more sailing_

“So will you move to Manhattan for me?”

_No more, farewell_


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Y/N are getting closer. This chapter is fluffy fluffy. I tried to make it as appropriately fluffy as I could without it crossing the line. which is hard to do. and in the end...Present Bucky is an asshole again. This time, he crosses the line.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is 8k words. woooot.

_Now that she's back in the atmosphere_

_With drops of Jupiter in her hair_

* * *

Sure, she had been packing for the last few weeks, and you had even helped her skim apartments on Zillow, but you couldn’t believe your sister was _really_ moving out. When you had met everyone over the weekend, you felt pretty confident that they were everything they hadn’t seemed to be after first. They were humble, selfless, and friendly. You still somewhat trusted that, but for some reason, after you had overheard Bucky literally telling _everyone_ what you had confessed to him in that kitchen, your hope for a new trusted friendship quickly diminished.

You thought you had confided in someone you could trust. Granted, you’ve only known him for a short period of time, but it felt right.

But after that incident and seeing everyone lie straight to your face, you felt slightly betrayed and annoyed. You weren’t planning on making a move on Steve anytime soon, but any hope of that ever happening now was long gone. He knew now that you were damaged goods. How could you trust that everyone else isn’t like Bucky? 

And now Bucky had your big sister in a trance, too?

You watched with a disappointed smug on your face as your big sister zipped up her last duffle bag. It was the last of her luggage to go, everything had already been taken to the truck with the help of Bucky and Steve. She picked up her bag by the strap and threw it over her shoulder.

She didn’t even have to lift one finger up until that point since the guys had done everything for her. As you watched an exasperated breath leave her lips over lifting that one bag, you tried not to glare.

Completely oblivious to your disappointed look of shame, she clapped both her hands together and took one last look around her now empty bedroom.

“Alright. Everything else is already out in the truck, so I guess this is it.”

Her gaze returned to you and she smiled slightly. Her hair had been blown to perfection just an hour before and not one speck of her lipstick was out of place, not even a strand of hair.

It wasn’t that you were angry that she literally put no effort into this move, but you didn’t have a good feeling about any of this. Okay, to be honest, you were slightly jealous. She was being treated like a queen, but on the other hand, there had been no effort on her part and now she was about to live life like a millionaire?

No, you weren’t jealous. _No._

You crossed your arms together and looked down slightly angry.

“So what happened to the other place you were going to move into?”

It was a little condo apartment just outside of town. It was a one-bedroom with a small kitchen and a small balcony. _It’s nice_ you had said as she gave you a short tour of the place. It was simple and just enough space for her to finally begin her own life.

She wasn’t too worried leaving you behind with your home, your parents had already paid it off before they passed away so all there really was were utilities. Your job as a hospital receptionist paid decent enough. At least one of your paychecks would have to go towards the home.

It hurt that she now eyed _this_ home with that same distaste as if the home you both grew up in was now beneath her.

Ashlyn scoffed, “That place was ugly and small anyway. Bucky just recompensed me for the downpayment I had paid.”

What?

You raised a brow, “He just gave you the money?”

Ashlyn smirked, “Yeah. Can you believe it?” She shrugged as if it was nothing.

You just looked at her in disbelief, hoping she used that money for something good.

“So you’re using that towards the new place, right?” 

Ashlyn rolled her eyes, “As if. Dude, that money wouldn’t even cover one-fifth of the downpayment for the new place. Bucky’s paying for everything.” She bit her bottom lip to try and stop her growing smile.

You frowned at your sister’s overjoyed demeanor. You didn’t like this one bit.

She walked passed you and then paused in the middle of the hallway, “I’m gonna be living in Man _-freakin_ -hattan. This is a dream come true.”

You tried not to roll your eyes - you tried.

“Sure yea, its been your dream for what, two days? Come on, Ashlyn.”

At that exact moment, Bucky came around the corner wiping his jeans probably of the dust from the boxes that had been laying in the hallways for weeks and was now in the moving truck.

He’d had loaded the last box and had come back inside just in time to hear the end of yours and Ashlyn’s conversation.

He wrapped his arms around Ashlyn’s waist and gave you a spectacle look. He didn’t want this to be jeopardized. His look was curious and slightly annoyed.

“Everything okay?” He gave Ashlyn a squeeze as he asked the daring and accusing question.

The tension grew immediately when his eyes met yours. You hadn’t spoken to Bucky since that night at the Plaza. You’re not too sure why you were so on edge about the whole thing. It’s not like you knew him enough yet to have felt a major loss in wanting to never talk to him ever again after he outed you out.

Maybe it had to do with the fact that you had thought he was different for some reason. But the Plaza event mixed with him telling everyone about something extremely sensitive, and then literally offering your sister to buy her an apartment in New York City with a fancy job showed you that you were wrong.

He was a materialistic rich boy who thought he could win your sister over with money and he didn’t care about feelings. Why would everyone else be any different?

You had ignored all of Nat’s texts since that weekend because you decided to cut loose. You should’ve known not to trust too quickly.

And now here they were taking your sister with them. So, of course, after he asked if everything is okay, you could only glare at him.

You saw him rub your sister’s back as he looked between you two, noticing the grown tension. She had caught on to your snarky comments by now and was not having it.

Ashlyn looked over at you, giving you a couple of seconds to at least attempt to smile. When being happy for her never happened, she rolled her eyes and started walking towards the front door, still holding onto the strap of her bag.

“We’re fine. I was just leaving.”

You didn’t want your sister to be mad at you for having common sense. Annoyed that she was now fed up with you, you spun around to go close her bedroom door. It pained you to see it empty and knowing she was going somewhere ravishing.

She was leaving simplicity for something unnecessary and it pained you. It wasn’t worth it and you hoped she would realize that soon.

“I’ll meet you in the car.” Bucky told Ashlyn. She looked over at him confused for a second and then saw him motioning with his head towards you where your back was still facing him as you closed the door. Ashlyn caught on and smiled.

The purpose was obvious; maybe he could attempt to fix this.

You didn’t know he had been waiting for you until you heard him clear his throat.

You spun around genuinely surprised, thinking they were both gone by now.

He looked at you with a thoughtful look and stuck his hands in his front pockets. His eyes drifted to the floor for a second as he ran his tongue along his bottom lip. He looked a bit timid and unsure. He wore a red plaid shirt and he had a beard coming in. As much as he kind of annoyed you, you couldn’t help the thought that he looked like a total snack. _Too bad he’s an ass._

You realized how inappropriate that thought was and you quickly looked away.

His voice was husky and low as he spoke, “Look, I know you’re not too happy with me right now, but I wanted to apologize.”

“For what?” You played dumb, crossing your arms.

He didn’t know if you were kidding or not as he examined your poker face which showed no sign of humor.

“For what I said to Steve.” He said slowly and carefully.

“And Sam and Nat.” You added. 

So you _did_ know what he was talking about.

“I know, I’m sorry, it was tactless. I was just trying to help you out.”

Maybe it's him standing there, but the memory of that night hits you full force and so does the moment he outed you out. You start to feel embarrassed again and slightly betrayed.

“How was that helping me out? By letting everyone know I was emotionally damaged and emotionally unavailable for a relationship is helping me out?”

“Yes," he says it as if the answer is obvious, "you seemed to not have been looking for anything right now, and then after what you told me I connected the dots as to why.”

You roll your eyes and pinch the bridge of your nose. He was right but you didn’t want to admit it. You were still angry at him. You continue to run the same hand down your face and you rub your eye, sighing.

“Oh, god. Bucky, you don’t know shit about me. I told you one thing that’s only a snippet of my life, and you automatically think you know everything?” You lift your hand away and stare at it in front of you. You pick at your cuticles in shame, “I don’t need you to protect me, I barely even know you. I can take care of myself.”

There’s a brief pause and then a shuffle of his shoe against the floor. He didn’t know why it bothered him so much that you were unaccepting of him. He knew it was wrong to tell everyone about you crying, but he was just trying to help you. If things ended up going well with Ashlyn and he proposed to her one day, you were going to be family and he wanted to be close with you.

He had to make it right. He knew what you thought of him, he knew it the moment you met him. The clothes, the cars, the watches. It angered him.

“You’re right, I don’t know you. But you don’t know me either. You think I’m some rich boy who’s buying your sister don’t you?”

You’re impressed that he caught on so quickly and was willing to admit it. You raise a brow.

“Well, it sure looks that way. Oh, and thanks to you, by the way, Steve will no longer even attempt to ask me out ever again even when I am ready.”

It took all his willpower to not scoff.

“Alright this is nuts, we’re literally mixing up two things at once right now. Firstly, you’re still young, what are you 20?”

You roll your eyes once more. What is with him always referencing to you as a child?

“And Steve will come around, trust me when I say that what I said to them- it left no damage. Because of me, now he just knows to take it slow and neither of you will be getting hurt in the process. You’re welcome to that.”

You click your tongue and roll your eyes. 

“You know, one day your eyes are gonna get stuck like that.”

“You’re _so_ cocky. Even when it comes to something being your fault you still manage to find yourself as the damn hero.”

He ignores you blatantly, “ _Second,_ I offered your sister these things because I love her.”

This silences you.

He takes in a deep breath and looks around your home. He didn’t have the same look that Ashlyn did when she did that. He looked sad, almost sympathetic. He looked down at your Chuck Taylors and moved closer to you.

When he looked up at you, standing only about three feet away, you were only curious as to what he had to say to fix all this.

“I like your shoes.”

You frown at him, confused as hell. 

“ _What_?”

“I’m not the kind of guy you think I am, Y/N. This,” he unlatches the Rolex off his wrist.

“Careful you’ll sprain your finger trying to do too much effort in taking that off.” You watch intently as holds it between his fingers.

His plaid sleeves ran around his wrists and, honestly, if you hadn’t known who he was, he did look like just an average boy right now. 

He glares up at you, nostrils fuming.

“ _This_ ,” he repeats, “is my fathers.” He pauses to allow you to take that information in. You’re not sure what he was expecting your reaction to being because all that does is make you aware that he likes borrowing his father’s things.

When you say nothing except stare at his hands he continues, “I don’t even own a fucking Rolex. He makes me wear them.”

Oh.

You subconsciously frown.

He goes on, noticing how his statements had an effect on you now, “The shoes I’m currently wearing are vans,” 

He watches as you look down at his grey sneakers. The fabric on them slightly worn out from overuse.

“and these jeans I got at H&M. And guess what, they were forty percent off.”

You got it now. A little at least. But you didn’t want to admit it. You tried not to snicker at the image of him going to an h&m and running to the clearance section. You tried to hide your growing smile and instead sucked in your bottom lip into your mouth.

“Okay, so you like to save, who doesn’t?” 

You looked up at him with a smirk and he was silent. He saw your smile and he smiled too in disbelief, scoffing. 

“My God, I don’t even know why I try with you.”

You shake your head, finally admitting to yourself that maybe he wasn’t so bad. You try to remember why this conversation had even gotten to this point.

You smile slides off your face and you clear your throat.

“You were trying to convince me that you weren’t buying my sister’s love.”

He nods, sliding the watch back onto his wrist. “Right.”

“Look, Y/N,” and you do. His face was serious now and he was on a mission- convince you that he meant well, “I know your sister, she doesn’t care about that kind of stuff; money and shit. So when I offered it to her, I knew she would take it because it would make her life easier. Not because I want her to live my father’s life that _he_ wants for _me_.” 

There it was again, him talking about how his father wants him to be a certain way. You frown and made a mental note to ask him about that one day.

“Ashlyn doesn’t care about material things, so it’s not going to go to her head. She’s smarter than that. It’s not even about that, I want her to have security and stability and I want to always see her, be around her. Is that so wrong? It’s simple, Y/N.” 

You consider his words and nod. Maybe you were quick to judge. He wanted her _safe._ He wasn’t buying her. He simply had the compact and disposition to do what he was doing and he was offering it to her. 

He meant well.

“I would love more than anything for us to be friends, Y/N. That’s all I ask. The last thing I want is bad blood between us because of some dumb misconceptions. And I don’t want you taking out your annoyance with me on her.”

 _He meant well._ And he was nice. The term friend had a nice ring to it now and maybe you were willing to give him a second chance.

“Okay.”

He smiles. It’s silent for a bit. He looks around your extremely average home once more, that same sympathetic look on his face.

“You’re gonna be okay here, little girl?” 

The nickname that once made you furious with him now made you smirk. He was teasing you.

“I’m grown, old man.”

He raises his arm up in defense, a smirk lingering on his lips.

“I told you, being a friend here”

“Fine. Yes, Bucky ill be fine.” You were serious now and he nods back knowing you were, “I’ve been taking care of myself since I was fifteen. Don’t worry about little ole’ me.” 

He smiles sadly. “Okay. So we’re good?”

“We’re fine.”

But now you had more questions.

You were walking him towards the front door, watching as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“Hey,” he turned around at the sound of your voice slightly surprised, “do you know if h&m is still having that sale?”

He smiled wide.

* * *

It took a few days for your sister to get everything organized and put together at her new place. As soon as everything was done and put together, the first thing she did was invite you over. 

It was a bit tense when she had asked you over the phone. You both hadn’t necessarily said goodbye on good terms. But you were willing to push that aside after your talk with your _friend_ Bucky. Ugh, you still couldn’t believe you were friends with a Barnes.

You took the train into the city and then a taxi to Prince St. You stared in disbelief out the window of the taxicab as you pulled up to the front of her apartment. You were so shocked you almost overpaid the cab driver.

Of course, Bucky had gotten her in an apartment in fucking _Soho_.

Just walking into the building, the smell of Chanel perfume was overpowering your sense (you’re surprised you didn’t sneeze) and you swear that on the ride up to her floor there were three girls in the damn elevator wearing the same classic Gucci belt. Is this what your sister’s life now was?

You prayed it wasn’t and that Bucky’s decision for her would actually do her well.

When it opened up to her floor, you looked for number 7 and then knocked- hesitant at first.

Just the hallway was gorgeous, it consisted of marble floors and pristine white walls with off white classic moldings. The door was so white you rubbed your finger over where you knocked to make sure you didn’t leave a…knock mark? You weren’t even sure.

It didn’t even take ten seconds before the door swung open to reveal Ashlyn in a classic white t-shirt and jeans - no Gucci belt! You practically sighed in relief. 

“Y/N! Oh, my god come in.”

She pulled you in by your arm and you practically tumbled in.

The apartment was ridiculous. It was all white with class white moldings boarding the walls and corners and there was a small chandelier in the foyer but it looked marvelous as its lights bounced off the marble floors. It was identical to the hallway but bigger and brighter. 

You gaped in disbelief. It was so beautiful.

“First I wanted to apologize about how sorry I am for just walking out the other day. I don’t know what it was.” You were such in a daze you almost didn’t even know what it was she was talking about. You looked between her and the house, gaping like a fish.

“It’s okay. It was my fault.” You mumbled.

You walked some more into the home and saw a lofty area that had very light wood flooring and columns randomly in the middle of the room.

It was huge, “Oh my god, Ashlyn.”

“I know, isn’t it sick? You have to see the size of my closet, and don’t even get me started on my own Infiniti pool up on the roof-“

You practically did a double-take.

“A what?” You knew what an infinity pool was, but you were not believing this. “I knew Bucky was rich but this is insane, Ashlyn.”

You saw her face fall similar to how it did back at your house when you had your fight and you reached out immediately to fix it. You gave her a soft smile as you held her arm, “No, I love it.” Her eyes lit up again, “I just can’t believe this is your life now. Bucky spoke to me about how great this would be for you.

She smiled back, slightly surprised, “I’m glad he spoke to you.”

“Yeah we’re actually kinda friends now, can you believe it?”

She stared at you for a beat, “I can, you’re both amazing in your own way.”

She practically skipped across the floor all the way to the other side where a massive all-white kitchen was. You had to laugh at the irony. Ashlyn didn’t even cook, “Look at this, Y/N! I don’t even have to work a day in my life anymore. He bought this whole thing, I own rent, nothing. Just basic utilities, sometimes.” 

You frowned immediately, “You’re going to stop working? What about the job he gave you _?_ ” You said disapprovingly.

 She shook her head after a long pause, “No, I'm still gonna work for him. Do you know how many times I’ve envisioned us having hot office sex-“ 

You cringed and raised up your arm as if to physically stop her, “Oh god, please stop. Ew.”

She smirked, “Plus…” she ran her hand down her white marble island. She was so dramatic in doing so that her upper body was practically over the entire island, “He says I get to travel for work if I decide to go, and I heard there’s a Paris work trip coming up soon. Paris!”

You rolled your eyes but smiled slightly, “Okay. But it’s still a job. Don’t let all this stuff get to you.”

She rolled her eyes, “I’ll be fine, Y/N.”

You looked at her for a second and convinced yourself to believe her. You took a deep breath and smiled as you put your bag down on the floor next to you, “Alright now let me see that closet.”

* * *

Ashlyn started her job that Monday, and just as expected, she was invited to partake in the Paris trip as Mr. Barnes’ assistant. And by Mr. Barnes, that was Bucky’s father, _not Bucky._

When Bucky had introduced them, Mr. Barnes’ was immediately impressed with Ashlyn. He thought she’d fit in perfectly and quickly replaced his current one for her.

“She’s perfect.” His father has said confidently after giving Bucky a hug and as he watched her sway out of the office.

Bucky smiled at his father’s compliment, “Yes! I’m so glad you like her.” His dad smirked.

“Of course. But, since you’re still being trained under my watch, I don’t want you having an assistant yet. You still have other important things to tend to - did you finish that file I left on your desk?”

Bucky sighed, putting his hands into his suit pants pockets.

He was dressing more professional now. If he were to be the next CEO when his father passed, he has to dress to impress. He had to act as he wanted it.

“Don’t do that, that’s an Yves Saint Laurent suit. You’ll stretch the seams.” He gestured down to his hands. Bucky ripped them out as if they were on fire, “About that file.”

“No, I’m halfway. Not finished.”

“They should’ve been finished days ago. Work on them. Ashlyn’s hired, and she’s coming with me. As _my_ assistant. Our deal with Pym Technologies is supposed to close next week and we need a bigger offer. I need to discuss some serious topics with them first and Hank will be at the Annual Dinner in Paris. I need her with me to help me,” he started twirling his finger around in the air as he made his way over to his desk, “help me make sure that Pym is my only focus. She’ll deal with my other issues for me.”

Bucky nodded understandingly but also a bit hesitant. 

“Okay, that’s fine, dad. I understand. Just please take care of her. She’s not really used to this kind of lifestyle.”

“I’ll take care of her, James.” He sat down behind his mahogany desk and eyed Bucky up and down, “Now go tell the lady congrats and get the hell out of my office. You have work to do.”

Bucky had been working on the file nonstop since Monday evening and he still had pages left to get completed for Stark. The day prior to her leaving Bucky had pulled her aside and asked her if she was sure she wanted to go. After all, he knew Ashlyn wasn’t used to this kind of lifestyle and he didn’t want to make her do something she wasn’t comfortable with.

He barely even had time to see Ashlyn before she left that Wednesday morning. She had been so excited and he was happy for her. 

He was actually taken about when she quickly defended herself, saying how she would actually love to go and is looking forward to learning more about the job and the world. She didn’t fail to mention how his father had even gotten her a five thousand dollar dress for the dinner.

_“You don’t have to wear it if you don’t want to, baby. I can speak to him.”_

_“Are you kidding, Bucky? It’s gorgeous. God, I can’t wait to put it on.”_

He was sitting at his desk Wednesday night in his office and he was almost finished with the damn paperwork. His eyes drifted towards the clock on his laptop that read _11:01_ PM and he tried not to groan as he rubbed at his tired eyes. He had closed them for about two seconds to let them rest for a bit when his phone started vibrating. He jumped up at the loud rattling noise it made on his desk.

He picked it up and looked at the name and frowned.

He pressed the little green button and put it up to his ear.

“Y/N?”

You were relieved to hear another voice at the end of the line. You looked around you, it was dark and cold. The only light came from upcoming cars on the freeway as it passed you.

“Hey. I waswondering if you were with Ashlyn. Nat won’t pick up and I’ve been trying to get a hold of Ashlyn for the last half hour. It’s important.”

You held yourself tighter, eyes drifting towards the woods on your left. You heard a twig snap and your heart started racing. 

Bucky could sense the worrisome in your voice and he immediately stood up in his chair.

“No, no she’s on a flight to Paris right now. Why what's up?”

“Paris?”

“Yeah, something about a new company deal. I was going to be briefed on it when they came back. Is everything ok?”

You hesitated and Bucky heard cars zoom past you on the other end. You looked down in front of you as smoke escaped your open hood, your car was parked on the side of the highway.

“I mean, I was really helping she would help me.”

Bucky bookmarked his page on his screen and shut his laptop closed. “What’s up, kiddo? Come on, tell me.” He slid some papers into a folder and closed it, dropping it onto his laptop.

“Fine. My car broke down. I’m legit stranded.” You heard the twig again and backed slowly towards the car. 

You could hear Bucky freak on the other end and the sound of shuffling of papers. 

“Shit. Where are you?”

“I’m like 25 miles from home. I don’t want to call triple A because I don’t have coverage.” You said pathetically.

Bucky started standing up from his seat and gathering his belongings, his wallet and a phone charger, “No, it’s okay I’ll be there. Just send me your exact address on the map app thingy and I’ll be there as soon as possible. Don’t leave your car, y/n it’s dark. Stay inside, ok?”

When Buck had gotten down to the garage he looked at his black Honda and then looked outside. It was late, there weren’t any paps at this time so he didn’t think he would have anything to worry about. He reached for his car keys in his pocket instead of the Lambo one that his father had left for him.

He slid his keys into the ignition and made his way upstate.

* * *

It took him an hour and five minutes to get to where you were. You were confused as first as you saw a black car pull up behind you, not one you were expecting. At first, you weren’t even sure if it was him, but then you saw him get out and run to your side of the mirror.

You rolled the window down and stared up at him. He was still wearing his suit, had he been working this late?

“Are you fucking nuts?” You narrow your eyes at his sudden exclamation, “What are you doing out this late? Your sister is gonna kill you when she finds out.” 

Your face fell as you reached out to your bag that was in the passenger seat and your phone.

“I’m sorry, can we just go home, please?”

He tried not to snap at you but he saw the exhaustion all over your face and decided to leave it for another time. He tapped your car with a finger, “Fine let's go. You can leave the car here, I’ll have someone come pick it up for you tomorrow.”

It took you a good few seconds to make sure you had everything. When you were sure you were leaving nothing behind, you walked over to the passenger seat of the car. When you got in, Bucky was texting away at his phone in his lap, his left arm on the door holding the side of his head. He peaked up at you from his phone as you got in, still holding that similarly disappointed frown.

“You know someone could’ve raped you out here.” 

“My god, you are tactless. It’s not like I _chose_ for this to happen.”

He dropped his phone back into his cupholder and sighed, “Seriously. What were you doing out here?”

“For your information, it wasn’t that late. It was only 10:30 when I was making my way home and then got stuck. You’re the one that took an hour and a half to get here.”

“Well, what did you expect me to do, _fly_?”

You roll your eyes. You saw him reach out for the radio and look for a decent station. He settled on something slow and mellow. It took you a few seconds to realize it was Drops of Jupiter.

You smiled briefly. The silence after your short argument was replaced by the irony of it all. You frowned as the music had a little static to it. You looked around the vehicle and then at Bucky as he drove down the highway with his left hand on the wheel his right on the seat next to him.

He looked so normal.

You watched as he switched lanes carefully and then subconsciously started humming along to the song.

You didn’t realize you were watching him until he looked over at you.

He was surprised by how your eyes became accusing and your voice suspicious. He tried not to laugh at the look you had. You narrowed your eyes at him.

“What happened to your car?”

He looked at you confused and then around his car as if looking for some big default or accident. His voice became tainted with worry, “Why? I just cleaned it yesterday. Did you see something?”

You were so lost. You narrowed your eyes even more and your voice was still slow and low as you laid your head against the seat staring at him. It was obvious you were really sleepy.

“I meant your _other_ car.” You mumbled.

The realization hits him and his mouth opens slightly.

“Oh.”

He takes a deep breath and looks back out at the road, his jawline was tight and sharp.

“That wasn’t my car,” he continues to look out in the road and licks his lips, “This is my car.”

He didn’t even have to elaborate for you to figure it out that the other car was his fathers.

You were so taken about by his simplicity that warmth filled your heart. Your _friend_ was simple. He was your friend.

You wanted to ask more questions, even slightly make fun of him at the way the car occasionally jolted, but you were so _so_ tired.

You felt your eyelids drop closed.

You were woken up by something heavy dropping into your lap. Your head snapped up and you looked around suspiciously. The first thing to catch your attention was a bright yellow light of a tall M, and then the trees in front of you. The car wasn’t moving and you realized you were parked.

“Why’ we parked?” You mumbled, still trying to straighten yourself up. Then you notice Bucky chomping on a Big Mac followed by an obnoxiously long fry.You frown.

You were at a McDonald's parking lot.

You were dead tired and wanted to go home and he thought this was the best time to pull over for some damn food?

You were about to snap at him when he gestured to the bag in your lap, “Your stomach was grumbling like crazy after you fell asleep. I didn’t want you going to bed hungry.”

_oh._

You open the paper bag and the heavy whiff of Mc Donald French fries hits you in the face. Fucking hell, if that didn’t smell delicious.

You couldn’t believe the gesture. You decide to not pry at him and instead dig in. You both sat there eating your burger and fries in enjoyable silence.

“Yo, I love when you think all the fries are gone but then there’s like three at the bottom of the bag that fell out.”

His comment makes you laugh out loud at how relatable and true that was. He smiles, he never heard you laugh before.

You weren’t even tired anymore by the time you finished your cheeseburger.

Bucky still had that same old station on and now it was playing Superman by five for fighting.

You smiled softly.

“Thanks for this. I really was starving.”

Bucky chuckled, “No problem, buddy.”

_I'm more than a bird,_

_I’m more than a plane,_

_More than some pretty face beside a train_

You sigh as you take in the relaxation of how serene and asleep the world could be this late at night.

You feel dryness in your throat and peer down at the empty cup holders, “Although you are a bit of a dumbass. You buy all this food and yet no drink?”

“Seriously? I bought you food and you’re complaining.” He laughs.

“Come on, Bucky. This is like dollar menu shit. You couldn’t get a drink?”

“Are you serious right now?”

You looked at him like he was retarded, “UH, yeah.”

He shook his head in disbelief, a small smile grazing his mouth.

“Go inside and get yourself a drink then.”

You gaped at him. You looked around the back and saw no cars at the window.

“Just go through the drive-thru again, there’s literally no one here.”

“Dude, I have a water bottle in the back, just drink that.”

“Not if it’s filled with your damn backwash.”

“Who gives a shit, Y/N, it’s water.”

With that said he jumps out of the car and opens his trunk. He grabs a recently opened water bottle and tosses it into your lap, “There drink it.”

You stare down at the bottle.

“Why can’t you just go through the drive-thru?”

He stared at you from outside the car, “Drink the damn water, Y/N.”

You glared at him and unscrewed the water bottle, maintaining full eye contact.

He grimaced at your death glare as you down the water, “Jeez, you really are a damn piranha.”

He throws himself back into the driver seat and buckles his seat belt.

He looks over at you for confirmation before driving away.

“Alright, you good?” His question was teasing but he was also serious at the same time. 

He was surprised you drank all the water. You threw the bottle into the back seat and leaned back against your seat as he stared at you.

“I’m great.”

You expected a reaction from him after you threw the water bottle, maybe a _stop throwing shit in my car_ or something similar, but all he did was smile and nod.

“Good.”

On the way home, you both sat in uncomfortable silence listening to the radio. At one point you asked to use his car charger and he replied:

“ _I’m using it.”_

_“What percent are you at?”_

_“Seriously? it’s_ my _charger.”_

Eventually, you won that one and he let you use it for a bit. He dropped you off and you waved back to him from your front door after you got it open and he waved back. You watched as his little black Honda drove off into the night. A soft breeze from the end of summer night came through, blowing your strands off your shoulder. The world seemed to have changed at that moment.

 

_I don't know where the ocean meets the sky,_

_I don't know why the world keeps spinning by_

 

You smiled because you were full, content, and happy.

  _meow._ You look down as you’re greeted by your little friend you just adopted the other day.

“Hey, Pebbles.” You smile.

A buzz in your pocket startles you after you close the door. You stare down at your phone and see it’s a text from Nat

_Hey. Sorry I didn’t get to you. I had a date. Just now have some downtime if you know what I mean ;) I hope everything is okay? I saw you called several times. I didn’t want to call you now because I didn’t want to wake you if you’re asleep._

You smiled as you started typing out your own message, dropping your car keys onto the kitchen island and flickering on the lights.

_Hey, Nat. Everyone is okay now. It’s all cool. Yea I’m still up. I ended up getting in touch with Bucky and he helped me out. A date huh? I didn’t know you were seeing anyone._

You barely put your phone down when it already rang back with another response.

_Kinda lol. Wanna hang out tomorrow and I can tell you all about it?_

You stopped for a second and smiled. For the first time in a long time, you felt happy. You finally had friends again, and boys were the last thing on your mind. You felt happy, you felt like you mattered, you felt somewhat important.

You try not to get emotional as you type out a message to Nat.

 _Yes. I’d love that. :)_  

You put your phone to charge, brushed your teeth, and then tucked yourself into bed.

You were happy.

* * *

_Present-day_

You hadn’t meant to walk into their closet, you were actually looking for spare towels but you had somehow opened the wrong door and you were completely enveloped by lights, shoes, purses, fashion design clothing, and hundreds of accessories.

Your eyes shined at how ridiculous the amount things _they_ owned was. It was beyond ridiculous, actually. Who needed this many things?

You knew your sister was doing better when it came to material things but this was crazy. You saw two Chanel flap bags and three Yves Saint Laurent bags on her shelf, side by side.

As you walked around, captivated, you looked in the middle where there stood the drawers filled with accessories. Curiosity got the best of you and you slowly opened it to reveal several watches - male watches to be exact.

But there was one that caught your attention especially. It was the silver-black Rolex.

Diligently, almost trembling, you took the watch in your hand. You softly stroked the silver bindings and began to remember. 

It was the first time you as saw _all_ of him and he had been wearing nothing except that damn Rolex. 

It was also the first time you had seen all his scars. You had traced them with your fingers and later that night - with your tongue. You remember thinking he was the best damn thing to ever enter your life, and the most gorgeous.

But that watch - it was one of the things you first hated about him when you first met him - but then it became the thing you loved to see on him the most. Especially when it was the only thing he wore. 

_The bed jerked furiously up and down. You felt the metal on his wrist hitting your -_

“What the hell are you doing?”

You yelp, looking towards the door. Your heart that had been hammering away in your chest was now in your throat. You were startled by his entrance and you prayed to God that he wasn’t reading your mind just moments before. 

He stood there eyeing you suspiciously as you held _the_ watch.

“I-“ you couldn’t get the words out as you stared at him, the memories still vivid in your head. 

This looked bad, even you had to admit it. It looked really bad.

“Sorry, I was just looking for towels.”

He looked at you with a glare that could kill, not buying a word you just said.

“In there? Do you think I’m fucking stupid?” 

You put the watch back down and closed the drawer, “I swear I was just looking and I opened the wrong door-“ 

“You don’t live here. I could easily call the fucking cops on you.” 

You were taken aback by his threat. You literally stepped back in disbelief, “Are you kidding?” You breathed. 

He shrugged, “Yea, why not. You’re fucking going through my shit that’s worth more than anything you own put together and you happened to do it when I and my wife are not home. Imagine how that’ll look to them.” 

You felt small. His words kept hurting more each time. You had to look away from him, you had to look away from those eyes that _hated you so much_. You were so furious at that moment. But you were tired. You just wanted some damn towels so you could shower and get to bed.

You didn’t even look at him as you walked past him out of the closet. 

His eyes brows narrowed as he watched you walk away, “That’s it? You think I’m just gonna let this go?” He spat out.

You stop. You were turned away from him, heaving. Your eyes were hot as were your cheeks. Your hands bunched together at their sides as you closed your eyes tightly together. 

“All I want are _towels_.” You grit through your teeth.

Eventually, after a long silent pause, he walks past you, hitting your shoulder as he does so.

He’s at the other door that leads to the hallway when he looks back at you and sees that you haven’t moved from your spot.

His face was emotionless, “Do you want me to show you or not?”

You let out a short sigh and followed his steps. It took a few seconds before you realized he was leading you back to the guest bathroom where you previously were.

You watched as he crouched in front of the sink pantry and opened it. He pulled out a pile of three white towels and put them on top of the sink.

“That should be enough for you to keep from snooping through our shit for a while.”

“Where is she?”

He was almost out the door when you asked the question. 

“She’s putting away the groceries, why?”

“I’m just pissed as hell that she’s not here to see the way you’re treating me.”

“Fuck off, that has nothing to do with it. You’re going through my shit. Private property.”

“Really, James? So there’s no other reason why you’re lashing out at me like this?”

He scoffed as he watched you next to the towels, gesturing to the distance between you and him. That’s what you always did with him and it angered him. The distance, the accusations and yet still so far away. He couldn’t stop the words before it left his lips.

“Look at you, you’re a little coward. And yet you wonder why no man can _ever_ love you.”

The second he says that, as much as he hated you right now, he regrets it. Your face falls drastically and you feel a pit in your stomach grow cold.

You are left silent. And the silence is deafening, almost as if he won and you have nothing left to say. And you don’t. What could you possibly say to that? It was true. It was why you were never loved. Nothing he was saying was wrong, and that’s what hurt.

You cant look at him, because you know that if you did you would fall apart right there. You don’t see his face, how broken it looks, and how much he looks like he wants to apologize. Instead, he just stands there, dead.

You needed to shower, you needed to be away from him. You wanted to sit in the tub and cry.

You walked over to the door and slowly closed it in his face.

He stood there in front of the door, unable to move.

With your hand still on the door, you close your eyes and soft sobs rack through your body in waves. It hurt your chest so bad that you had to lean onto your arm for support as you brought yourself to your knees. You were trying so hard not to cry out loud, not to scream, that it physically hurt you. It hurt so much that you had to bring your other hand that wasn’t on the door to your chest as if it would somehow make it stop hurting. 

You looked up and gasped and it came out in the form of a whimper. You hope he didn’t hear you. You had worked so hard on your pride your entire life. There was no way a man could do this to you.

Your nails dig into the door as you try to stop. You’re trying so hard to stop crying, but it hurt so bad you couldn’t stop it.

 _Please stop._ You wanted to scream.

When he hears that sound, Bucky’s hand involuntarily goes to the doorknob.

 

_And are you lonely looking for yourself out there?_

* * *

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky reflects on what he's starting to feel. Is his conscious starting to finally bother him? Also, more pre hot mess Bucky/Reader while Ashlyn is still in Paris with Mr. Barnes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not too sure how I feel about this one. didn't want to get into this just yet but I figured it would work. I'm going to have to focus on 7 years earlier bucky/reader after this though so we can see how this all even happened in the first place. Ya'll with me?? :D let me know!

_If you could only see the way she loves me_

_Then maybe you would understand_

 

It was the first time in his life where he truly understood what earth-shattering silence was. It was ironically deafening and loud; too loud. He stood there motionless as the howling of the blood pumping in his head, his heartbeat inside his chest, and your soft cries on the other side of that door became unbearable. His world seemed to have stopped the second he had said those words to you and, it was like for the first time in five years, it was only you and him in the world.

The moment those words left his lips, he had regretted them. Truth is, he regretted them before he even said them. He knew with conviction that they would hurt you and they did- they absolutely did. 

After much subconscious effort, he had finally done it. He had hurt you to the point where there was no going back. Whatever was left of whatever the hell was even still there was now gone. And even though you did hurt him to a point to where he never thought he would ever recover, and even though you are a heartless bitch to him, he knew he shouldn’t have said that. He had crossed the line.

He knew well what you went through when you were a young girl, it was wrong of him to shove such a negative aspect of your life in your face. Even though he did hate you _so much,_ he had to make an exception for that.

Especially when it wasn’t even true, to begin with. 

His hand is still frozen around the doorknob as he blinks hot and heavy tears away. A tremor shot down his spine as he practically felt the warmth of your presence behind the door. His throat hurt as he swallowed down the thick and heavy lump. 

He couldn’t help it- you had made him so angry as you held his watch. When he made the connection he saw fire red and he was furious. The sight of you made something inside of him snap. Maybe it was the memories that overwhelmed him or maybe it was the reminder that you ever only wanted him for one thing. 

But those _memories_ \- it overcame everything in his being. He had lost all self-control.

How could you?

His eyes furrow together as he remembers the reason for everything - for all this, and for his anger. He was so busy thinking about how much he hurt you by saying those words (and about the memory of the most amazing time of his life) when he had totally forgotten what you _did_ , who you _are._

He clears his throat slowly, backing away from the door, and dropping his hand from the knob. 

He couldn’t fall for it. Not again.

Dr. Banner had told him he had his weakness, and his weakness was you.

This was what you wanted: you wanted pity so it could look like you didn’t mean it. You wanted to look like you did nothing wrong.

With tears now gone and his sadness for you now inexistent, he leaves you behind and walks back down the hallway towards the main living area. He shakes his head to himself almost disappointedly as he rubbed the back of his head, his heavy feet shuffling. 

He couldn’t believe he almost caved.

He had to stay strong just like he has the last five years. He had to think about his future, not his past. 

He and Ashlyn had some tough times the few months leading up to their engagement and also the first few of the marriage, but he knew that most of that had to do with you. You were a constant distraction from what was really important. The moment you were out of the picture, it was just him and Ashlyn and he was finally able to focus on just her. 

Things eventually started getting better. Ashlyn was happy, she was ecstatic about life, she was enjoying the shoes she walked on, and she couldn’t be more thankful. It was a contrast to what she was the months prior. 

She ended up being the perfect Mrs. Barnes that his parents would have wanted, and that made him happy for them.

It broke his heart that they wouldn’t be here to see Bucky welcome his baby into the world. 

And that’s the thought that’s going through his head as he watches Ashlyn from the hallway wall. She wore a little yellow dress and her hair was in a French braid. He was surprised her little belly wasn’t showing yet. 

She was setting the table preparing for dinner. The gold sequin napkins that had a grey ring around them glowed against the perfectly white porcelain plates as she set them on top. There were three tall scentless candles in the middle of the table and the table runner was grey, matching the rings.

Ashlyn was always for the show, he had learned. 

Bucky waited impatiently for Ashlyn to look up at him, and when she finally did, he smiled softly.

She returned his smile, setting the last rolled napkin down. She couldn’t help but notice the subtle hint of flush against his face. She frowned slightly.

“Everything ok?”

“Hm?” He hadn’t trusted his voice yet. Also, he had to come up with a lie.

She perked a brow, “You look flushed.”

Bucky uncrosses his arms as he walks over to Ashlyn, eyeing down at the table as he does so and then back at her- smile still on his face.

“No, yeah, I’m fine. I just wasn’t feeling too good for a second.” He rubs his belly for the added effect.

Ashlyn frowns again, “Oh, no. I hope you’re not too sick for dinner.”

Bucky hums in delight as he walks around Ashlyn, grabbing her by her waist.

“No, I’m just fine.” Ashlyn leans back against him and sighs softly, a little smile playing on her lips at the loving act. Bucky kisses her neck - right under her ear- and then leans his chin on her shoulder, looking down.

“But you did set this up real quick. You’re really hungry, huh?” He squeezes her side gently with his right hand.

“I think it’s the baby.”

For some reason those words make a shiver go down Bucky’s spine and he freezes. His face becomes serious at the overwhelming and unexpected emotions that he begins to feel. Ashlyn turns around to face him. He’s looking down, but now at her stomach. His hands remain tight on her waist as she steps closer to him.

This was real. 

And it terrified him. The realization makes a short breath escape his mouth. It nearly knocked him over. This was real. He was going to be a father and there he was in his wife’s arms.

He doesn’t know why it makes him feel sick.

He felt Ashlyn’s hands go to either side of his face. She observes his intense features, especially when one of his hands goes to her tummy. She softly caresses his left cheek, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

A short laugh, almost a cry, leaves his mouth. He licks his bottom lip right after and sniffs slightly. He moves in closer to her and tightens his grip on her. 

When his eyes finally make their way to meet her own, she’s already staring into his, questioning. 

He didn’t like it- they were practically taunting. 

He lets out that same cold and short laugh and then slightly shakes his head.

It just comes out-

“I’m fucking terrified.”

Ashlyn smiles and they’re both staring at each other with small tears pooling in their eyes. She assumes it’s because of the baby and the new changes that are going to happen over the next few months. She understood because she was afraid, too. But something else also bothered her.

But she couldn’t say.

“Me too, but we can do this.” She whispers. If she could say it strongly enough, maybe she could convince them both.

But he’s not too sure, he thinks. 

He’s never felt so worthless, so dirty. How could he bring a child into this world knowing what he did, what kind of man he was? His conscious never killed him much before, it was always more about the questions of why why why and how does he move on. He didn’t even think about how this would affect his little baby. And by this, he meant the night that happened five years ago and the events leading up to that. Because why Y/N had hurt him, he was guilty of even letting his heart feel what it did leading up to it. It meant more to him.

Maybe Y/N was right, maybe he was an awful husband. 

He doesn’t even have time to think before he feels Ashlyn’s lips on his, demanding and leading. He can’t help it, as much as he feels like throwing up right now, he doesn’t know if this will be the last time he’ll be able to do this for a long time. So he kisses her back so hard she almost tumbles back against the table. He cups the side of her face with his left hand as he deepens their kiss, tilting his head to the side for better access to get his tongue in. He’s demanding and strong - and he hasn’t kissed her like this in a long time.

It was different.

Ashlyn starts to pull away when she senses Bucky getting a little more intense, a sense of fear building inside of her, and she places a hand on his chest to stop him. They stare at each other breathing hard and in shock. He would say she looked concerned or confused but she felt something else. Something that she herself can’t quite put her finger on. 

She clears her throat and adjusts her two hundred dollar dress and urns back around to fix the napkin on the plate that was obviously already neatly prepared. It was obvious to both of them that she was trying to break the tension. 

Bucky is just standing there in the same spot, watching her hands move the utensils in a blur. That howling was still in his ears.

“ _Baby_ ,” he says breathlessly, putting his hand over her right one to stop her. And she does immediately. His touch is comforting, pleading. He didn’t want to lose her. God how he didn’t want this to blow up.

“I’m okay, I’m just starving.” She looks up at the tv and mumbles to herself as she makes her way over. Bucky steps back curtly as she does so, “I’m gonna put on some light jazz, and then Y/N will be out soon, and we can all eat and have a nice dinner.”

The silence lasts a bit as she picks up the remote for the apple tv, finds the Spotify app, and finally puts on some Count Basie. 

Bucky leans on the chair in front of him, deep in thought. What was happening to him? His stomach was in weird knots.

He’s felt this feeling before, and it was almost identical to the one he felt on his wedding day. But this one was stronger; helpless.

He pinches the bridge of his nose as he makes his way to the kitchen to see what Ashlyn had made. He had to distract himself from his accusing conscious.

He remembers when they first got married Ashlyn could barely fry a damn egg. Five years later and she at least attempted to be decent at cooking and she successfully succeeded. He was proud of her. 

He’s about to lift the pan lid when he hears Ashlyn’s voice.

“I just got the weirdest call from Steve while you were in the bathroom.”

He stops suddenly. Steve. He hadn’t heard that name in years. They were best friends for years and then one day he was just gone. He never knew why and it hurt him. It took him years just to focus on only Ashlyn and work. 

Lately, his past was following him everywhere, so this definitely perks his interest. He lifts an eyebrow and turns around to look at Ashlyn.

“ _Steve_?”

Ashlyn places the remote down on the coffee table and spins around to look at Bucky. Her expression is unreadable which only makes Bucky more curious.

“Did you know him and Y/N were seeing each other?”

* * *

_7 Years Earlier_

You drink the last of your orange juice until there’s nothing but ice and the annoying sound of nothing being sucked into the straw. You suck and suck on it just long enough for Nat to look up at you over her milkshake with a raised brow. She had just finished telling you about her hot night with a bartender named Nick Miller or something and you had to drink all of your juice to quench your now intense thirst.

You didn’t even realize you were doing it and being annoying as hell until she gave you that look. You caught yourself and pulled back in a chuckle, covering your mouth with the sleeve of your shirt in embarrassment.

“I’m sorry, I don’t like to waste.” 

Nat smiles, “That’s okay.” She takes another sip of her vanilla shake and then pushes her glass aside. She crosses her arms on the table in front of her and leans in with a smirk, “So, I told you about my boy, now you tell me what's got you all happy and sucking your straw that hard.”

You frown with a small smile on your lips, “What are you talking about?” You honestly didn’t know what it was she was referring to. Sure you were in a good mood, but were you _that_ in a good mood? To where she actually caught and called you out on it? You were confused at the accusation as you push a strand of hair behind your ear.

She leans in closer with a tilt of her head, “Oh come on, you’ve been smiling nonstop since we met up. And let's not mention that you called me out of the blue after ignoring my messages for several days.”

You duck your head down in shame. She was right and you were hoping she wouldn’t have called you out on it. But you’ve come to learn that Nat is Nat, and Nat is _honest._

“Nat…” you were prepared to explain yourself for ghosting.

“Look, it’s okay, Y/N. I know why you were upset. It’s not that hard to connect the dots.” She reaches over and steals one of your fries. You glare at her. You both literally just had a two-minute talk all about how you both hate sharing your food and there she goes stealing your fry. She chews and swallows quickly, “But clearly you got over that. Something happened.”

“Nothing happened, Nat, I just have a new outlook on things now.”

She bites her lip, “Is it because of St _ee_ …” she emphasizes the “e” playfully, in a singing tone, and you roll your eyes.

“No, I haven’t even spoken to him since Montauk.”

“Oh.” She deflates, looking disappointed.

You drink the last bit of your orange juice-now _ice air-_ and take a beat before responding. You had to think back to what moment it was that changed things, “I spoke to Bucky the other day,” Nat’s eyebrows come together curiously. She wasn’t expecting that at all. You start running your finger up and down your cold glass, trying to gather condensation on the tip of your now hot finger, “and then he really came to my rescue and it just showed me you guys aren’t so bad. What’s with that look? Nat.”

She looks down at your finger and then at you, “Nothing, I just didn’t know you guys were friends.”

Something about the way she said that really put you off the wrong way and you didn’t like it. But you move past it.

“Ha, friends. Still weird saying it out loud.”

Nat raises a hand up deafeningly, “For some reason, your fries taste better than mine, so this is a disclaimer. I’m about to steal another.” You smile and roll your eyes. You push your plate closer to her, giving her an open invitation. She takes a fry and waves it in the air before shoving it in her mouth. She eyes you carefully and then swallows her fry.

“So how exactly did he rescue you?” She asks, wiping her hand on a napkin.

“My car got stuck the other day so I called him to come to help me. That’s actually why I had called you a bunch of times, too. But you never returned my call.” She stares at you a little bit longer again and then sighs. You didn’t like this, it annoyed you, “Why?”

“Nah, it’s nothing.” She pulls out her phone and quickly changes the subject with a smile which you are thankful for, “It’s almost six. We should get going before the movie starts without us.”

* * *

You girl day with Nat had been a success and it wouldn’t be long before you had a feeling that you could call her your best friend. You hadn’t had a best friend since you were sixteen. Her name was Amber and one day she just caught you off - said that you were holding her back in life. 

Anyway. You try not to think about the bad things in your past and focus on the future. You had invited her to a night at her place to catch a movie. So here you were getting the place ready.

After Ashlyn had moved out you realized how little things you actually owned. If it weren’t for most of the furniture that she let you borrow, it would be like a newly moved in home. Your bare feet even echoed against the wood floor as you walked from the living room and into the kitchen.

You had gone grocery shopping so your fridge and pantry was readily stocked for at least several nights of Netflix binging and intense midnight munching. You actually enjoyed cooking as well, so you made a pact with yourself that you would try the first few weeks of living alone to try and cook yourself dinner instead of on spending on taking out so the impact of paying for the home wouldn’t hit you so hard. 

You kind of enjoyed living alone - you could walk around naked from a fresh shower and you could dance around your living room with headphones in with no one to bother or judge you. Except for maybe Pebbles, your newly adopted kitty. 

Aside from the silence when the TV wasn’t on, it was quite nice. You could literally do anything you wanted. This is what George Washington was talking about when he spoke about the land of the free…it was George Washington right?

You decided to make her and yourself some dinner, snacks after. You stirred the pot of noodles that were boiling in the salted water your pot and wipe the back of your steamed hand on your folder apron that hung around your waist. You look over on the counter and smile at the awaiting ingredients that would prepare a delicious penne vodka. You dip your pinky into the sauce for a taste and hum to yourself in delight.

It was damn perfect.

You lower the heat on the stove to medium-high and then you head back to the TV to pick a movie off Netflix.

You and Nat were friends now, but for some reason, you couldn’t really pinpoint what kind of movie she would be into. You were fighting against choosing either Mr. and Mrs. Smith or Clueless. You were that lost.

You’re about to make a choice when a knock startles you off the couch. She was early. 

You look over your house once more, not necessarily prepared to welcome your first guest ever. Was is clean enough? Was your decor ugly? Did it seem like you were trying too hard? Oh shit, was she allergic to cats?

You reach over and try to fix the potpourri on the table until it at least looked somewhat aesthetically pleasing. Once it was fine, _eh I guess,_ you rushed over to the door.

You heard a second knock.

“Coming!”

You unlock your door and you have a huge smile on yourself as you’re about to greet Nat. Except that it’s _not_ Nat.

It’s not a stunning redhead with a quirked brow. Instead, it’s a boy with blue eyes and he’s looking down at your apron in utter amusement.

“Wow, are we eating tonight?” 

His half-smile is bright and joyful, a playful tone lingers in his voice. He’s stretching out his right hand to hold open the door a little more. He wore a green and white plaid shirt and his brown hair was unruly. 

shit. 

Your once big smile is now a teasing glare.

“You again?”

He winces, “Ouch. Not even a “how are you?”?” He places a dramatic left hand over his heart as if you’ve literally hurt him.

“You’re the one at _my_ house.”

He rolls his eyes and moves in closer to you, clearly begging for you to let him in, “Fine. I wanted to get your advice on something. I so happened to be in the area.”

You ponder for a second and decide it’s okay. But you didn’t want him here when Nat got here. You look around before instinctually grabbing him by his sleeve and pulling him inside.

“Fine, but make it quick.”

He tumbles in with a smile and then looks around your place. He notes the newly bought rug under the coffee table and the sound and smell of boiling noodles.

You take in his concentrated look as you untie the apron from around your waist.

“So you have a question? This couldn’t have been done over a text message?”

You glare at the back of his head as he goes into your kitchen without even asking, peering over the ingredients on the counter.

“Yea,” he mumbles, picking at your stuff, “but I wasn’t too far, plus I’m kinda lonely and bored. Thought I’d see a friend.” He sticks his finger into the sauce and you practically run over to him in annoyance, “Ashlyn’s still in Paris. Hey!” He exclaims as you push him aside and set the bowl back towards the subway tiles on the wall.

“Stop touching my food.”

He sticks his finger in his mouth and sucks on it with a big smile, it was obis he was teasing you. God, you hated him.

You sigh as you open your pantry above your head and grab a packet of popcorn, slamming it on the counter.

“Pasta and popcorn? You’re weird.”

You roll your eyes, “It’s for _after_ the movie, _after_ dinner.”

He nods at your words and then looks over at the island. He notices the two plates of food and two glasses for sodas. His eyes narrow in shame.

“Shame, shame. “I thought you weren’t ready for dating.”

His comment makes you double take from the popcorn to his face and then the island. You hated talking about your dating life, anything that had to do with it brought a feeling of nausea to your stomach. Thankfully this wasn’t it. 

“You could’ve at least let Steve know.” 

His tone is disappointed. It was obvious everyone rooted for you and Steve, even your neighbor next door did. Knowing that you were possibly pushing that idea aside really affected Bucky. It was obvious he was not too happy about it. Especially since you were now all friends, it almost seemed like some kind of betrayal- even if it was uncommitted.

You sigh tiredly as you walk past him, shoving him slightly aside to take a look at your pasta. It looked almost ready so you reach into the bottom cabinet bending down to grab the colander placing it in the sink.

“It’s not. I invited Nat over.”

“Oh, okay.” You sense the relief in his voice.

“So Ashlyn’s really not back yet, huh?”

“Nah. Must be good a good sign though. For the company at least.” He says pulling one of the stools from under the island to sit on it. 

You turn off the pot and grab two mittens to prepare to drain the water.

He watches you and your meticulous movements as you pour the pasta into the colander in the sink, the hot and heavy steam rising into the air. 

“Where’d you learn to cook?”

You laugh at the memories that answer his question.

“My momma,” you shake the colander until all the water is out and then your re-pour it into the pot. You grab your vodka sauce and a mixing spoon and pour it inside the pot, “She used to be a chef at this really nice restaurant down by Lexington. I always enjoyed watching her so she figured I had the same genes as her, so she took her time to teach me her… _ways_.” You wave your spoon crazily in the air as you say the word ‘ways'. 

“I didn’t know she was a chef.”

You furrow your brows as you scrape the last of the sauce in the bowl, “Ashlyn never told you?”

“She told me a lot about your family,” you tummy turns in sadness. So that meant he knew about what happened to them. You take in a deep breath and blink away tears. It’s been only three years and it still hurts like it was yesterday. He notices the way your shoulder sulk and how you try to toss your hair to cover your face using your shoulders. 

He looks down as he whispers, “I’m sorry by the way.”

But how could you be selfish? You knew what happened to his mother, too. Everyone around the country knew it was in all the papers, all the websites, it was on CNN nationwide. It was ten years ago but you remember. You use that as a common ground. 

You place the bowl down and then mix the declines pasta in the pot on low heat.

You look up at him as you’re mixing and you both share a look. You see the sadness lingering behind his eyes. 

“I’m sorry, too.” He knows what you’re talking about and he smiles for a fraction of a second. You look away and continue to mix the food.

You don’t tell him, but that night he had picked you up you had just gotten back from visiting their grave. It was their wedding anniversary and you dropped off some lilies.

“Thanks by the way, for the car.”

He smiles softly. 

“No problem.”

It’s silent as you turn off the stove. You walk over to the fridge and grab basil from the shelf. He watches as you grab a knife and start cutting it into minced pieces on the cutting board very quickly with skill. 

You look up at the clock on the stove and then back at your knife cutting the green vegetable. She would be here any minute.

“So what advice did you want?”

“Okay, yeah,” he pulls out his phone from his front pocket and starts skimming through Safari, “It’s almost our fourth month anniversary and I wanted to take her to a concert, ya know, like floor seats or VIP access.”

“Of course.” You chuckle. You grab the basil in your cupped hands and drizzle it over the pasta as a garnish.

“So which do you think she’ll like better - Coldplay or John Mayer?”

“Hm. For an anniversary?” You turn around with your arms crossed and ponder his choices for a second. Your sister was cliche. She wasn’t grey, she was either black or white. The answer was simple.

“Coldplay.”

He perks a brow at you, “Really?” 

“Yeah. I think she only knows like one John Mayer song. She knows a butt load of Coldplay, thought. Ever since her Twilight phase back in high school.”

“Twilight phase?” He says in amusement. He’s smiling wide, his nose crinkled in an adorable way that showed he was cringing.

“Yeah, ya know, when all those girls used to make those depressing fan vids to _Fix You_ and shit.” You wave your hand in the air as if it’s nothing, “She’ll love it.”

He laughs and jumps off the stool, “Okay, cool. Yeah. Coldplay.” You eye him suspiciously. Something was off and you know immediately what it is. You try not to giggle.

You notice as he looks over to one side and then gives you a small smile, “Thanks.”

You’re looking up at him and you give him a small knowing smile. You bite your bottom lip.

He narrows his eyes at you, “What?”

“You wanted it to be John Mayer, didn’t you?”

He gapes at you for a second and then chuckles. He looks away, slightly embarrassed.

You smile wide. You’re about to tell him how much you also think John Mayer would be more fitting for an anniversary when a knock echoed through the house.

Your eyes go wide. “Shit. That’s Nat.” 

You quickly cover the pot behind you and then run towards the front door.

When you open it Nat is standing there with a bottle of wine and a bright smile.

“Hey, I’m so happy you’re here.” You greet her with a tight hug, “Come in.”

“Hey! It smells so good in here. I bought myself a Moscato. Thought we could use it while we talk about-“ he voice drifts off as she looks up to see Bucky standing in the kitchen. She furrows her brows as he gives her a slight wave and then she looks back at you, “Uhm? Hey, Bucky.”

You wave your hand nonchalantly, “He was just leaving.”

She still has a weird look on her face as she looks between the both of you. Bucky walks back into the living room, getting ready to leave.

He looks between you and Nat and smiles. He was happy that you were finally making new friends. He couldn’t wait to tell Steve. “You girls have fun. But not too much fun.” He adds a suggestive wink in there that makes you roll your eyes, but a smile still remains on your face.

You shove him out the door with one hand as he’s smiling, “Goodbye, Barnes!” He practically trips out of the house.

“Bye, ugly.” He mutters under his breath in a playful tone.

You turn around after you close the door and Nat is still giving you that same look. 

But you’re completely oblivious as you breathe out with a roll of your eye, “Sorry, I thought he’d never leave. He just showed up.”

You both decide on watching Clueless which, honestly, surprises you. You both laugh at the movie and also chill back in happiness as you munch down dinner.

When the movie is over, you’re both sitting on the floor in front of the couch, a wine glass in hand, and scattered baby photos of you everywhere. You’re telling Nat stories about you and Ashlyn and your parents, and it’s making her happy. You were letting people in and she enjoyed how much she was learning about you. You were a great girl.

Nat’s holding one of you and Ashlyn when you were both little. It was a picture you took at Disneyland when your parents were still alive.

“and they had just gotten us these stuffed Mickey Mouse toys. But I ended up puking all over mine so I was trying to steal Ashlyn’s.”

Nat chuckles, “Ew, that’s gross.”

You smile softly at the memory, “Yeah my parents were so mad.”

She looks at you for a second and then sits down the picture. Finally, she asks something she’s been dying to. She says your name softly before readjusting herself on the floor and taking a sip of her wine.

“Yeah?”

“I-“ she takes in a deep breath and then sits a little further up on her legs, “Bucky is a sweet guy. He naturally his this way of getting close to people, it’s just how he is. He’s a lot like his mom.”

You furrow your brows in confusion and at her sudden rant, “Ok?”

She pushes a strand of hair away from her face and continues, “I just - I do get worried with him sometimes because he tends to over care. He’s very sympathetic.”

You take a sip of your wine, a light fuzzy feeling now starting to take over.

“I just don’t want you to…” she sighs as she looks up at you, uncertain as to how to say what she wants to say without it coming out wrong, “I don’t want you to think that he’s being a certain way when he’s not. When he loves a girl he is a committed to them. Being nice is just his nature, and sometimes it can come off flirty, I just want you to protect your heart. I can’t even begin to tell you how many girls involuntarily have fallen for him not even realizing it.”

You tilt your head at her. You honestly wanted to laugh because you couldn’t really believe she had thought that of you, but at the same time you want to be respectable, “I am so confused right now. Nat, I do not like Bucky. He’s my friend. Sure, he’s being nice and all but he’s also an ass.”

“Okay. Okay good. I know this is a weird thing for me to say, but I know him well, trust me.”

“When he loves someone he is dedicated, and I mean it, he will give it his all. And honestly, I think Ashlyn’s the one.”

“How do you know so much about him?” You catch yourself and you feel like you’ve asked something too personal. But when she smiles you take that as an invite so you continue, “I just, you seem very protective of him. Are you guys close?”

“We used to date in college.” Your perk a brow. You did not expect that “He was a sweetheart. He had gone through a lot and we were there for each other. But he wasn’t the one.”

Your face falls slightly, “I’m sorry.”

She smiles wide, “We agreed we’d be better off as friends.” She takes another sip of her wine, “And trust me, I totally get him being an ass thing. He’s a dick.”

You smirk tipping your wine glass to take a sip, “But like a nice dick.” 

“A soft dick.”

You practically spit out your wine as you both laugh out loud.

* * *

_Present Day_

You, Ashlyn, and Bucky all sat around the dinner table in utter silence. The only sound was one of the scrapings of the utensils against the plate as you cut your chicken and when Ashlyn or Bucky would place their fork down to take a sip of their water.

Bucky was fuming. His anger had nearly doubled since the moment he saw you in his closet. He had only peered up at you twice after you entered the kitchen, but he couldn’t handle it. 

Every time he saw you he couldn’t stop envisioning Steve touching you, kissing you, doing all kinds of things to you, and it _angered_ him. Steve was his best friend. 

You _let_ him? 

His own best friend? You were worst than he thought, and to make it worst he was jealous beyond comprehension. He wanted to find Steve and punch him in the face for fucking you.

But did you guys even do that? How serious were you? How did he never tell him? Has it been going on for five years? 

He tried to hold a blank look on his face to not look obvious. It made him even more annoyed that you looked empty, though.

And truth is, you were. 

You had been all cried out from your episode in the shower. You were emotionless and over everything. You were over the situation, you were over being sad and trying to make it right. You were numb. Mechanically, staring straight into your plate with a death glare, you cut another piece of your chicken and chewed on it.

Maybe you should just leave and find a hotel. Maybe you should give up entirely. It’s not like anyone loves you or ever loved you. You were unwanted, you were a waste.

Ashlyn took an awkward sip of her water as she looked at you. She wasn’t necessarily upset, she just had a lot of questions. If anything, she was happy that you and Steve had finally given it a try. Why hadn’t you told her you were dating Steve, let alone, living with him? Why did you leave?

Steve had sounded distraught and curious over the phone as if he was waiting for some kind of news. That made Ashlyn curious because she immediately knew you and Steve were hiding something. Did you not trust her?

The tension around the dining room was growing by the second. 

The first voice to break it is a vibrating sound from the living room. It was Ashlyn’s phone that she forgot on the couch. 

Everyone looked over towards it and Ashlyn pushed back her chair. She was thankful because she couldn’t handle the silence anymore.

“Sorry, that’s my phone.” She said a little too ecstatically. You and Bucky met eyes for a brief second, and after that, it was hard to look away.

“Hello? No yeah. Oh, how is she doing? She’s not?” Ashlyn looks over at you over the couch but you’re still looking at Bucky as he looked at you back. You don’t realize she’s talking about you.

 _Was that him?_ Bucky kept thinking.

“I’ll let her know. I actually haven’t seen her on her phone. Is everything okay with her?” She whispers the last part.

 _He’s dead to you_ you say in your head, your face cold as stone.

Ashlyn frowns at Steve’s response, “Okay. Yeah, yeah no worries, Steve.”

You feel your stomach drop instantly and Bucky’s nostrils flare up in anger. Your stomach is in tight knots and your heart is beating so fast you felt like you were going to pass out. Your head immediately snaps over to Ashlyn who’s looking at your with an unreadable face. You swallow nervously. Your palms were sweating and you wanted to run out of there.

This couldn’t happen, not now. 

Ashlyn says bye to Steve and then walks back to the table. She pulls out her chair slowly, ant agonizingly slow and she sits down just as slow, her left arm on the table. She bites her lip as she takes her napkin off the table and then diligently places it over her lap. She smooths it down and then pulls herself back close to her plate.

She clears her throat and then looks at Bucky and then at you. 

You were terrified and Bucky looked pissed. You were waiting for it - for the blow-up. 

But it never came.

Instead, Ashlyn clears her throat and picks up her fork. You watch her like a hawk, like waiting for an atomic bomb to go off.

“Okay, so who thinks I put too much salt in this?”

You feel your left hand tighten next to you as only one thought crossed your mind:

_Steve Rogers, what did you say._

 

_Sayin' you love but you don't_

_you give your love but you won't_

_you're stretching out your arms_

_to something that's just not there_

* * *

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We find out more about Nat/Bucky. We find out about Bucky's past. And we have some Steve in here. What's really going on with Ashlyn? And Y/N and Bucky...you have to be careful. Warnings are language, mentions of sex (briefly), and very disturbing details of gore/violence. Wrote it that way for a reason. poor bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is a flashback to everything how it started seven years ago. I felt like judging by the comments everyone was a bit confused and thought this took place in the present. So I edited the intro to say seven years ago. Sorry for the confusion! This chapter is Ten Thousand words long. And I am not sorry. This is the chapter that is going to change things. I needed to get it perfect...I needed to get the characters out there so I could have the perfect base to finally let this bad boy unravel. And it could not be any less than 10k. It's why this took a little longer than the other chapters. It's three times as long, and very very very important. I hope you guys aren't too mad at me for the wait! D:

_Soldier keep on marchin' on_  
_Head down til the work is done_  
_Waiting on that morning sun_  
_Soldier keep on marchin' on_

* * *

 

The smell of the trash scattered around the atrociously lit cavern mixed in thoroughly with that of searing human flesh. Several men hid among the corners of the room as they threw their head back in amusement. Their attire consisted of a middle eastern military uniform and a unique cover on their face. It was almost a balaclava of some sort, except that there were only holes for their eyes and not their lips. Their gaze lacked soul and empathy and it was bitter to the core.

In the middle of the room laid a dingy metal stretcher, it’s wheels were rusted from years of combined usage and uncleanliness. Attached to its sides were two adaptable arm rests that had accommodating worn out straps for the arms and legs.

His screams were deafening as it surpassed the screeching of the grinding of his bones and the deafening motor of the chainsaw. 

The smell was pungent and strong in his nostrils, making him visibly gag. The pain he felt was blinding to the point where if he closed his eyes tight enough, he hardly felt anything at all. With a feeling of consternation, he would open them back up quickly, realizing that the reason for that was that he was beginning to pass out from the pain.

The only reason he hardly felt it as torturous anymore was because of the adrenaline- it had begun to mask the unendurable pain. 

With a whimper and a soft cry for help, his legs became noodle-like and his gut burned with presentiment. The howling of the men’s voices commanding orders around him in a language he couldn’t understand (and the distant shots being fired from would could only be an AK-47) echoed in his brain along with the chainsaw.  He knew they were sounds he would not forget for years to come.

As if the adrenaline dissipated, he feels that sudden pain that no man or woman should ever feel in their life. 

They were cutting off his arm as he laid wide awake. They didn’t even bother killing him first or make him pass out in a way. No, they wanted him to feel, hear, and _smell_ everything. It couldn’t get anymore morbid than that.

Below the stretcher on the ground was a white rag drenched in red.

It was beginning to turn a rough shade of black the more the blood dripped from his arm onto it.

His gaze travels down to his poor limb, god how he didn’t want to look, but of course, he had to. 

When he saw what they were doing to him, he felt like his stomach was on fire and his eyes were drenched in acid. His bone was visible to his eye and his flesh had been shredded up like cat meat. There were parts of his tendons that still hung on. They were part of his body that he wasn’t ever meant to see. That pungent smell returns again along with the pain and the sound of the electric saw. This time it was applied almost directly to his humerus. 

A sob mixed with a strong gag, that gets stuck in his throat, racks through his body. He cries out loud for help as his legs start to thrash and hot tears run down his pretty face.

_"Please, let me go! God, Please!” He begs._

* * *

7 Years Earlier

 

As she takes the elevator up to the sixteenth floor of _The Pierre,_ she thinks about their past history and what she’s learned from it. It was a summary of what had taught her love and appreciation. 

For something so strong, it was a surprise that they still managed to be amazingly close friends and have it be just that. 

The reason for it was because their relationship had been based off cheerful hormones. They both went to school for business. They were young, and he had just recently left the army. It was evident to her that he was looking for comfort in another soul. After what he had been through, the recovering process was complicated and heartbreaking. He always described his arrival to her as a hollow shell - his life was newly deserted and he was greeted to reality with a blinding scream of agony.

She was gorgeous and he was a broken boy and would have anyone fooled with the look of a gleaming James Dean. Their relationship was inevitable, and it was amazing and young.

 

Reflecting on everything, it doesn’t surprise her that she’s over protective. She doesn’t quite understand that feeling of murkiness that she gets when she sees him linger in _your_ apartment, or when she finds out that _he_ is the reason for _your_ exceptional happiness. It’s all a daze and a distant foreshadow.

It’s obvious to her that after meeting you, she could sense that you and Bucky had quite a lot in common. Just like she and he did when she first met him. And similarly to like she and Bucky did, he confided in _you_ for opinions. After Bucky had unraveled that information about your baggage at _The Plaza Hotel_ , she knew the kind of girl that you were.

You were vulnerable; innocent.

It wasn’t that she thought you had any intentions with a taken man, or that anything specifically would happen between you and Bucky - per se- but more so that you wore your heart on your sleeve. 

She was worried that eventually this would come off the wrong way and it could turn into something no one wanted to deal with. She wanted to protect you as well and she had tried to make that as clear as possible the other day.

Even though she knew Bucky would never be the kind to over step that line, she remained worrisome about the feeling she was feeling.

She rubs the back of her neck as she adjusts the gun on her left holster that hid under her short black, but a casual, dress. She was supposed to be at a rendezvous for Mr. Barnes in a half hour. It would be used only under certain repercussions, he had reminded her with a suggested look. 

Nat liked Ashlyn a lot. She was gorgeous, sweet, and kind. She was undoubtedly happy for Bucky when he introduced her to her. She had greeted Nat with a slightly weak handshake and a big bright smile that seemed to have promised trust and security. And when Ashlyn would look at Bucky, she very well looked in love.

Sure, Nat thought it was too soon for Bucky to offer her a job, but that’s what _Barnes_ ’ did. It’s the same exact moves that Mr. Barnes used on Bucky’s mom when they first started. They were wealthy, it wasn’t out of the ordinary.

It wouldn’t surprise Nat if this was Bucky’s _The One._ Ashlyn was safe; she was normal with no ties to any complications.

She was a breath of fresh air.

When it came to the Barnes men, things were always straight forward. Bucky was a little different because he wasn’t materialistic, but he was filthy rich and things did come easier to him than for many ordinary males. Unfortunately, sometimes he would forget that. He could be tactless; he could be inadvertently oblivious.

And that’s what worried Nat. He was a natural flirt- a sweetheart, so to say. He was kind. She lost count how many times she and Bucky would be walking hand and hand together to their next class and he would stop to help a girl who dropped her books in the hallway. It would be so awkward for him the next day when they would come up to him and ask him out and he would say no, that he already had a girlfriend. He was dating Nat and yet he would still do these very kind gestures for the ladies.

And they all took in the wrong way.

It’s no surprise that Nat was very torn about warning you and also torn between if Ashlyn really _was_ good.

Just over and hour ago she had been in the work meeting for the Hank Pym agreement. She had stared at Bucky’s newly assigned empty seat in total confusion and with a slight bit of concern. She even started biting the tip of her thumb the more she looked at it.

She knew he wanted to be there, so why wasn’t he?

She noted Ashlyn’s stride from the door to the front of the table. Ashlyn and Mr. Barnes stood together delivering the outstanding news and people looked at her in total interest. 

Something was wrong.

The other elite members of Barnes Enterprises call out his absence like its a retort and Mr. Barnes’ face contours into a mixture of anger and embarrassment. With ataint of disgust in his voice, he gives Nat an order: _go find him_.

She’s surprised he doesn’t ask Ashlyn, his most likely future _fiancé._ Because let's be honest, it was obvious to her that that’s the direction it would go in.

She looked exquisite standing there in front of the oval desk holding that little clipboard. It was no doubt in anyone’s mind that she would look impeccable standing next to Bucky as the wife of the next CEO of Barnes Enterprises; she practically glowed like a star. 

Right before Nat left, Ashlyn had explained to her of his whereabouts and thanked her politely for her help. Nat was not happy.

“Yeah. I’ll go let him know.”

Her voice had been sturdy and unemotional.

The elevator dings and she marches onto his floor with a heavy stance. She walks the empty path of elegance and bright fixtures made of porcelain and marble. The lighting was radiant and it oozed of splendor and passion. The door was a Kole-styled door with white square moldings, each square was wrapped in a delicate gold lining that resembled the culture of the Taj.

There was a window at the end of the long hall that revealed central park in all its glory. From there, she clicks her gun into safety and scans the halls for his apartment. 

Once she locates it, she knocks urgently. She was so confused- confused _and_ angry. Forget Ashlyn’s lame excuse and answer, she didn’t understand how Bucky could be so irresponsible at a time like this.

There’s a silence after her knocking and she tries once more.

“James, open this damn door,” she says loudly but not too loud for the wealthy neighbors to call security on her. _Not after last time._

She lifts her fist one more time with a grunt and was about to knock _again_ when it swung open, revealing an apparent exhausted Bucky.

His hair was a mess and the right side of his face had a fresh red mark on it- most likely from passing out on that hideous throw pillow that she had been telling him to get rid of for the last five years.

He glares at her as he rubs his left eye with the knuckle on his pointer finger. His expression was nothing short of un-amusement.

“Damn, a guy cant even piss in peace anymore these days. What do you want, Nat?” He asks.

He spins back around, leaving the door wide open for her to walk through.

She shuffles in, quickly closing the door behind her. The fresh smell of lemons and vanilla engulf her senses, it was obvious that his housekeeper had just left. His apartment was immaculate.

He had a white chesterfield style couch with an off white cabriole to the left. To the right was a traditional fireplace with crown moldings and a subtle, but splendid, chandelier hung in the middle. In the dead center was a large window with a view of central park.

Amongst the cleanliness laid a freshly dirtied bowl on the glass coffee table, crumbles of crackers scattered about its perimeter.

As she makes her way over to his all-white kitchen, she stares at his back disapprovingly. He grabs his remote and turns off the TV and she drops the folders and binders that she had been holding on top of the counter, finally relieving of the unwanted weight she was forced to bring over.

She looks up to see Bucky still rubbing at his eyes. She takes in his attire - a pair of two-day-old grey sweat (obvious from the wrinkles and grease marks) and a white t-shirt.

“Why didn’t you show up to work?” She asks, bluntly.

His long sigh answers her question.

She’s pissed.

“Your father practically killed everyone in that damn room. Your seat was empty, Bucky. Empty. Don’t you think you’re a little too old to have a babysitter?”

Bucky groans as he finishes rubbing his eyes with his palm and walks over to Nat. He raises a brow at her, her words clearly not affecting him one bit. She never scared him and he never scared her. That’s what their relationship always consisted of. It was the mere reason they broke up- they realized that the only thing they really ever enjoyed about it was the sex.

Other than that, they were practically just friends with benefits. Sure, there was love there at first, but after spending time together and talking about their future goals, they realized they got along better than that. They were best friends, and the sex was making it more complicated than it needed to be. They came to terms that they were a college fling and nothing more and they were okay with that.

It was simple and not awkward, so they moved on.

She rolls her eyes and pulls out some beige folders that are within the binders and slides it across the island to him. He eyes them suspiciously but finally takes the time to answer her question before taking them in his hands.

“I know. I was up all week late trying to finish those damn files. And I gotta tell ya, they had nothing to do with anything important. It was all HR shit. He’s doing this on purpose as an excuse for getting up my ass.” He says.

Nat gave him a glare, eyeing him up and down. She crosses her hands on the table in front of her and moves up closer to him. Her voice is lower now, calmer. She decides that with him she needs to make him realize it on his own.

“Bucky. It is noon on a Wednesday and you didn’t even come into work. You don’t think you deserve that in the slightest? Not even a bit?”

He stares at her for a bit. He knew she was right.

“Fine. But he could be a littler more lenient.” He says.

Nat sighs as Bucky eyes down at the paper work that was now in his hands. It takes him a second to realize what he was reading and he feels slightly betrayed. His eyes furrow together and he rests the arm holding the paper work onto the cold island.

“So the deal worked out, huh?”

She’s still so lost and confused. She eyes him curiously taking note that his reaction was not a good one, and then around his four million dollar home. She smartly makes the connection that he appeared to be the only one there all day, aside from the maid.

“You haven’t spoken to Ashlyn at all since she’s gotten here?”

He shrugs nonchalantly, “She wasn’t allowed to brief me on it, but she told me the meeting for it wouldn’t even be until tomorrow. I called out sick today.”

She takes in his response and she’s infuriated, “You can’t call out sick Bucky.” Nat puts a finger down on the paper he’s reading, the edge of it poking him in the lower belly, “If you want to be part of this and be professional about it, you have to stop slacking off. Second, Ashlyn just started this week. Why would you even listen to her?”

“I have no reason not to. Plus, she’s been with my father all week. She would know better than I do.” He responds quickly.

She doesn’t understand how to Bucky that doesn’t sound off. She doesn’t get how he doesn’t see that it’s not supposed to be this way.

“You just missed the most important meeting of your life.” She says.

She scoffs quietly.

“I know. I’ll talk to her.”

There’s a soft ding and it echoes through the kitchen. Bucky looks up at her as he tries to push down the feeling of slight anger down his throat. He loved Ashlyn, he truly did, but her doing this to him was uncalled for. Granted, he should’ve known better than to listen to her - Nat was definitely right about that- but he trusted her enough. Also, he _was_ exhausted.

Nat reaches into her green jacket pocket for her phone. She peaks a brow as she reads her message.

“What is it?” Bucky asks.

“Steve just told me your dad’s seconds away from trying to find someone else to take over the company.”

Bucky rubs his face, “Fuck. I gotta talk to him.”

“Please do, Bucky. It physically scares me how much better Ashlyn is at this than you are. She didn’t even go to school for this shit.”

“I’ll fix this.” He says in a critical tone.

He gathers the folders in his arms.

“Also, stay away from Y/N.” He raises a brow at her sudden request, “We all know she’s not in a good state right now, and I don’t want her misreading your intentions. We both know how you can be sometimes.”

Bucky laughs out loud at this, “That explains a lot.”

Nat narrows her eyes in a questioning manner, “What?”  
  
“How you act so weird around me when I’m with her. Trust me, Nat. She knows we’re friends. Plus I’m not how I used to be. If anything she hates me a bit.”

“I highly doubt that. She told me you were friends.” Nat says.

“I mean, yeah we are, but it’s weird. Who knows, she’s still in her early twenties. You remember what that’s like, right?”

“Enlighten me.”  
  
Bucky shrugs, “You’re still finding out who you are, what you like, learning the difference between fantasy and reality; you’re mad at everything in the world.”

“I guess.” Nat answers.

He reaches a hand out to Nat’s shoulder and squeezes her there comfortingly with a slight smile, “Don’t worry about me, Nat. Now go back to work, I gotta figure this shit out.”

She thinks for a second before finally believing him. He was right, she had to relax and have nothing to worry about.

When Bucky closes the door behind her, his smile slides slightly off his face. You didn’t have any expectations in anything that he had done for you, that much was obvious. And he would _never_ make a move on you.

He loved Ashlyn and you were simply his friend. That would be fucked up.

But then he thinks about his actions lately, and how they might come off as leading. He remembers how he went to rescue you at the side of the road. But did he have a choice? No.

And then he went to your house to ask you a question. Could he have just texted you? … _yes_.

Nat was right, he needed to pull off a bit. Especially since he meant nothing of it.

Now, he just felt like a crappy boyfriend and slightly inappropriate.

But he was also a bit pissed.

He looked down at the folder in his arms.

_Merger Meeting - Copies_

He lets out a tired sigh and shakes his head to himself. This was supposed to be his day. Why did he listen to her?

The answer was simple. He loved her and he believed in her.

Some of his friends questioned his motives that day out on the _L.I_ why he brought her so soon to the beach house.

 _Four months is too fast,_ they had said.

 _Are you sure?_ They had asked.

“Yes,” his finger skimmed around the opening of his frigid Budweiser can, remembering back to the moment he first laid eyes on Ashlyn. She had been cold and her nose was a little red dot that he wanted to kiss.

“There’s just something about her. At first, I asked her out because she was gorgeous, and the way we met was like totally out of a movie, but then I got to _actually_ meet her, and I learned how amazing she is and how humble.”

“She’s not like the other girls I’ve gone out with. She doesn’t care about how rich I am, she didn’t even know who I was. She was only nineteen when her parents passed away and she raised her little sister all on her own. She’s independent and she has such strong morals. I love her. And I know my mom would’ve loved her, too.”

With that declaration, it didn’t surprise Sam or Steve that he then offered her a job and an apartment. To any normal person that would’ve been excess, but on the upper east side and SoHo, that was just another Tuesday.

For some reason though, as he’s staring down at the folder, there’s a momentary feeling of regret in the pit of his stomach. 

But he swallows it down quickly. He couldn’t let other people’s voices get into his head. There must've been a good reason for all of this.

_“It was a bad car accident. It was a head-on collision-“_

_“I’m so sorry.” His voice was soft, caring._

_She looks down at her cappuccino and then out the window at the snow slowly falling from the sky._

_She jumps slightly when she feels his hand on hers. It all felt so surreal._

_“My mom died right after I came back from Afghanistan._ They _had chased her down after they found out I had made it out alive, and they wanted revenge on our family. It took the officials months to find her.”_

He still remembers the day they found her. Her body had already started to decompose - better yet, the pieces of her body. It was stuffed in a suit case and thrown into a river bed, tied down by heavy bricks to keep the current from pushing it up towards the surface so it wouldn’t be found any time soon.

He was held captive for three months by terrorists, with hardly any food or water, tortured. His left arm was nearly cut off to the bone by a chainsaw, and this is what he came back home to.

The public never released the details of his captivity, only merely mentioning that he was lost in the desert for a few months. His father didn’t want the extra information out into the open. _It was too dangerous,_ he would say. _They don’t need to know all that._

_You are a hero, son. Your mother and I are so proud._

They were certainly thankful for the press they got for it.

So nobody really knew. No one except his friends, and eventually Ashlyn.

She was understanding. He loved that about her, too.

They always called him a hero, but that’s the last thing he felt like when he remembers how he cried like a child on that stretcher, begging for his life to be sparred.

He was anything but.

* * *

 

“Come in.”

The sound is sweet, it’s delicate, it’s slightly _hesitant._

As soon as he walks in he’s enveloped by the smell of vanilla. It reminded him of home and it left him content.

He sees her sitting at _her_ desk and she’s got the biggest smile he’s ever seen on her face.

He feels like he’s slightly floating. How did he even make it across the room? When had he closed the door? It was all a _daze._

She made him so happy. There was just something about her that made him feel like he had his whole life together. Seeing her, being around her, it made him warm.

And God, how much he missed her. He didn’t realize it until he actually saw her.

She gets up from her chair and the first thing he notices is her too-tight skirt and her too-tight blazer. He feels jealousy boil inside of him for a split second and he wonders who saw her in that meeting today wearing that. Did that sleazy accountant Loki see her? He never did trust that guy.

She strides around to the front of her desk and then Bucky’s already walking to stand in front of her, like a predator and prey.

Who was he kidding?

He looks down at her and he moans out loud. She was gorgeous and he wanted to eat her up right then and there.

He tried to remember if he locked the door behind him as he bites his lip and Ashlyn cups his face in her hands.

“I see you finally got your new office.” He smiles bright, his eyes crinkling at the sides.

“Mmmhmm,” she says, “I guess I did a good job.”

Bucky moans and slowly leans down, giving Ashlyn a soft but lingering kiss.

“I missed you.”He says once he’s pulled away from her.

Ashlyn smiles softly, “I missed you, too. Paris was amazing.”  
  
“I’m glad you had a good time.”

She leans in once more and kisses him deeper this time. Her right arm goes around his neck as she pulls him closer and she takes advantage of the position their in to hoist herself onto her desk.

But it’s while he’s kissing her that he remembers why he’s _here_ and _wha_ t he had missed, because of her.

He pulls back suddenly and Ashlyn frowns at the unusual move. He looks down at the paper work on her desk - they’re copies of the agreement, similar to the ones he had back at home. His heart races a bit for some reason that he can’t identify and he moves slightly to the side of her to grab one of them.

He reads it for a second, his expression going hard.

“You told me the meeting was tomorrow. I should’ve been there, Ashlyn.” He says.

He looks back up at her, disapprovingly.

He feels her soft touch on his arm; it’s _comforting_.

“I am so sorry, Bucky. That’s what he had told me. There must’ve been a last-minute change or something.”

He ponders her words for a second and nods. She was _trustworthy._

“It’s fine. I already spoke to Dad and he understood. He’s willing to give me one last chance. I just can’t be missing shit like this. This is really important to me now, you have to understand.”

His tone is serious and strict. This was different than how he always used to speak to her. He was usually sweet and delicate. This was demanding, this was business talk.

Ashlyn tilts her head and gives him soft puppy eyes, “I know, baby.”

Bucky sighs. He smiles at her and grabs her lightly by her side, bringing her closer to him.

“Good. Anyway. I got us a little something for our fourth month anniversary.”

Ashlyn’s face lights up immediately.

“No way.”

Bucky flashes her a grin as he reaches into his back pocket. He hopes she’s just as excited as he is when he finally gives it to her. Ashlyn had no idea what to expect.

She’s a little lost when he hands her two pieces of paper that say:

“ _Coldplay_?” She asks, confused.

He smiles blissfully and his body is jittery, almost childlike, as he looked between the tickets and her face awaiting her reaction, “Yeah, I figured it’s something safe. It’s not something little because we’ve been together for only a few months, but it’s not our six months yet. What do you think?”

He becomes hesitant to wanting an answer the longer she stares at the tickets. His stomach drops.

Bucky’s face and heart fall simultaneously. His legs tingle a bit and he bites his bottom lip, feeling his throat go dry. Slowly, he pulls it out of her grasp and takes the ticket back in his hand.

You. You were the one that told him this would be a good choice.

Ashlyn looks between the ticket and Bucky’s face and she becomes worried. Quickly, she perks up, snatching the ticket out of his hand, “I love it, thank you. I can’t wait to go with you.”

She kisses his cheek quickly and then tucks the ticket into her purse that was on her desk.

He’s surprised.

“Really?” He asks seriously, not really believing it.

“Yes, really. I remember them from my twilight fan girl days. Like, I remember _some_ of their songs t it’s all mixing together right now.”

Bucky smiles at her response.

“Y/N told me about that.”

“My sister?” She asks.

“Yeah, I asked her which show I should take you to and she said this one and why. Told me about the whole Twilight thing.” He gestures wildly with his right hand and a small smile.

Ashlyn smiles, “I’m glad you two are getting along.”

Quickly, his facial expression changes again and he starts looking back and forth between Ashlyn and the window outside. The whole Uber drive to the office, he had been thinking about how he would go about this. It would be one of his very first steps into trying to cut back from you and be smarter. Ashlyn should be there for _you._

“Speaking of which,” He clears his throat knowing you would hate him for mentioning this to Ashlyn. But he had to, no matter how much he really had loved to had finally gained your trust. You seemed like a very cool girl to him and you were both getting along so well. He rubs the back of his neck nervously, “While you were in Paris she had been driving down I-95 when her car broke down on the side of the highway-” Ashlyn frowns.

“What?” She asks quickly.

“She called me for help so I had to get her car towed and all that. Point is, it was like midnight when I got to her. She really should not be out that late. What if I hadn’t answered?”

Ashlyn pushes herself away from her desk and Bucky and quickly goes around her desk, grabbing her phone, “Damnit, I’ll talk to her, Bucky. I’ll give her a piece of my mind.”

“Okay, yeah. That’d be good. She’s young and I get worried about her sometimes.”

Ashlyn is extremely preoccupied to pay attention to what Bucky just said as she types away from a wordy text message to you on her phone. She was telling you how irresponsible you were and how you could’ve died. Ashlyn runs a hand through her hair as she tosses it back, taking a deep breath.

Bucky’s eyes drift from her to her bag where she now crumpled Coldplay ticket was.

He knew that bag. His eyes furrow as he feels doubt.

“Did you get a new bag?”

“Huh?” She looks up and follows his gaze that is on her bag on the desk. She smiles shyly, “Oh yea, your dad got it for me. He said it’d win Hank over something. It worked.”

“Oh. No yea, it’s nice.”

* * *

To say you were pissed was probably the biggest understatement of your year. You were blinded by anger as you read your sister’s text. Your cheeks felt like they were on fire and your hands were slightly shaking as you held your phone.

She was yelling at you like you were a child.

Why the hell would Bucky tell her all that? Was it all even necessary?

After Nat had left her to follow up meeting with the other agents, she had called you and asked if you wanted to grab some early dinner and maybe have a couple of margaritas. You guys were having a great time, that was until the accusing text came up on your phone.

**_How could you be so irresponsible?_ **

Followed up but an additional rant on what you had done a few days ago while she was away.

After your rage started to dissipate a bit and you decided to take a deep breath before writing out a reply, Nat had reminded you that that’s just how Bucky is. He likes to watch out for people and maybe he didn’t think she’d react that way. She tried desperately to calm your nerves, but it wasn’t helping a whole lot.

You knew the real reason you were so distraught.

You told her this and she gave you a look that was a mixture between confused and curious.

Truth is, the reason you were so upset wasn’t even because Bucky had snitched on you or because your sister was yelling at you like you were a child.

Up until the death of your parents, you and your sister got along okay. Well, as much as a fourteen and an eighteen-year-old possibly could. You would occasionally argue back and forth over who’s turn it was to watch tv and who ate the last of the cereal- things like that. For a sister, Ashlyn was great at certain things, like giving advice for boys, helping you do your makeup and hair for the middle school dance - where, by the way, you weren’t asked to dance once -and keeping you safe. When your parents would go away for the weekend, Ashlyn wasn’t the kind to throw a party. Instead, she’d make sure you both had a nice warm dinner ready. Usually, it would be a take out from your favorite Thai place or Japanese.

Your favorite memories with her, though, would be when you and your parents would go on random long car rides upstate blasting oldies with the windows down. All four windows would be down at the same time while your dad went fifty and the wind would circulate through out the entire car. The breeze was refreshing from the 90 degree summer days.

_“You girls will remember this one day.” He had said._

Your relationship was happy. Those days were _happy_ days.

After the accident, something seemed to have changed in Ashlyn. Her mind almost seemed to have slowed down and she became slightly distant. She would go out more, she would spend more hours at work, she wishes she would be there to help you when your boy troubles appeared, but sometimes it just wasn’t possible. She wasn’t as helpful as she used to be. By the time you were eighteen, you were the one cooking dinner almost every night. There were no more take-outs, no more talk about mom and dad and you both drifted apart drastically.

You both fought more and your entire life, in general, seemed to have gone down the shit hole.

When you turned twenty, things got a little better. Maybe it was the fact that you were both in your twenties so you both had more in common than you realized. There were more movie nights, shorter days at work, and more girl talks at night.

But it was still tense. Ashlyn would never be the same Ashlyn that she was after her parents died and that was something you had to come to terms with.

So this, her yelling at you, it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. You’ve both done this plenty of times. That’s not why you were upset.

You decided to just ask Ashlyn if you could stop by to talk about it. She immediately agreed to the idea.

Which is how you, Nat, Ashlyn, Bucky, and Steve all ended up crowded around her apartment. Bucky and Steve sat in the living room talking about the new deal while Ashlyn was popping open a bottle of wine for everyone to celebrate the new deal with Pym.

Steve’s gaze kept going back to you involuntarily every time he’d move his head. Truth is, he thought you were beautiful.

Contrary to what you might have believed when he found out about what you had been through, it actually made him admire you even more. From the moment he saw you in that Chipotle, he knew you were different. And when he had brought you for the tour in the house and he saw how shy you were, he was captivated by your slight insecurity. You were gorgeous and confident and you didn’t even know it.You could easily take a man’s breath away, just like you did his.

He quietly waited for the moment to finally ask you out. When you were ready, of course.

 _“_ Just wait a bit longer,” Bucky had told Steve. Steve looked down, his cheeks going red. Bucky pushed him playfully on his arm, “and stop being so obvious, you idiot.”

Steve looked up at him with a serious look, cheeks still red. Bucky thought it was adorable how much Steve liked you and he loved teasing him about it. Honestly, he couldn’t wait until it happened. He had a good feeling about it.

Bucky looked down and pulled some lint off his legs, “Actually, it’s kinda too late for that now. The whole world knows you want her.” He says.

Steve slightly chuckles. He looks up at you and he finds it adorable how you keep swaying back and forth, your chin resting in your hand as you looked up at your big sister. His face turned serious.

“It’s just,” He looked up at you as you stood there with Ashlyn and Nat, “There’s something about her.”

Bucky’s eyes went to Ashlyn at his words and he smiled slightly. He got what Steve was saying. There could always be little signs he and there telling him that he should second guess moving so quickly with Ashlyn, but just one look at her took that all away.

He loved her. He cherished her.

You didn’t know what was happening right behind you. Instead, you were waiting for your sister to blow at you the same way she had over the phone.

Nat looked between you and Ashlyn with a tense expression, not really sure how this conversation would go.

“So,” Nat says before she takes a sip of her red wine, “good day, huh?”

Ashlyn looked up from pouring her glass of wine to Nat and then to you. She looked back down and cleared her throat.

You perked a brow at her silence.

“Wow, you had so much to say before and now nothing?” You roll your eyes, “Not surprising.”

Ashlyn let out a long breath as she placed her glass down and then crossed her arms over her chest, evidently upset with you. She gave you a scowl, much like a mother would.

“You shouldn’t be out like that. Especially when I’m not even in town. We both know your car is a piece of crap, Y/N. It’s not the first time it happened.”

This made you absolutely fume. It was obvious she was going to go straight for the kill.

“Well, I’m sorry but I wasn’t expecting Bucky to freakin snitch on me, Ashlyn.” You mumble avoiding looking at her and instead at your own glass.

“Great, you used the word _snitch_ so you know that what you did _was_ wrong.”

You shook your head to yourself because you were so annoyed and in disbelief. Everything about your sister made you always stressed out. If it wasn’t the choices she made it was the things she said or how she never would think.

You licked your lips and let out a snarl. You blinked a few times and then looked up at Nat who looked slightly uncomfortable being in that situation between you two. Then, you looked at Ashlyn who was expecting an answer from you. She had one eyebrow perked and a hip jutted out as if saying _explain._

You chuckle coldly.

“Do you even want to know what it was that I was doing that night?” You say in a low and menacing tone.

Ashlyn scoffs. “Yeah. What exactly were you doing? Looking for another guy to shack up with?” You felt your cheeks heat up and your chest burn. Your nostrils fumed as your lips pursed into a thin line. You couldn’t believe she would stoop so lo, “Please don’t tell me you were trying to get Eddie back,” an anguished look came on her face as she rubbed it, “For the love of _God._ ”

Her tone was louder this time and it had caught everyone’s attention. Bucky and Steve immediately turned to you both, concerned.

You felt tears build in the back of your throat at her accusation.

“Really?” You asked in disbelief. You didn’t trust your voice, you were either going to lose it and cry or lose it and scream. Right now, you didn’t want to cause a scene.

She gave you a long and cold glare. 

“Honestly, I wouldn’t put it past you. Look at Brock. And now Eddie. That’s just who you are. I wouldn’t put it past you to be so reckless and irresponsible.“

“Wow, after all these years I finally thought we had a common ground. I thought that what we had was actually healthy again.”

She gave you a confused look as if you both haven’t been living the same life for the last almost ten years.

“What are you talking about?” She asks cluelessly.

Your eyebrows furrow together in confusion.

“Are you kidding, Ashlyn? You never cared about me when I was in high school. And now all of a sudden you want to treat me like a child?” You arms motioned to the room around you. This was it, you were losing your cool. “Are you trying to impress your new friends? This whole caring act really isn’t fooling me so don’t try to fool _them_.”

Ashlyn gave you a could glare and then she looked at everyone else as well. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

Of course, she knew how close you two used to be and how things changed after your parent’s death. But you had to understand how hard that was for her, you just had to. She felt her own throat burn. She remembers those days when you would both do each other’s makeup in the bathroom and your mom would scream from the kitchen that dinner was ready.

Of course, she remembered, and she cared. She went to your bed side that nighs after your middle school's dance after no boy had asked you to dance and she had told you how special you were that night.

After mom and dad, things changed. She knew that, and it always bothered her.

She looks back at you.

“I can’t believe you really thought I didn’t care about you.”

“You changed ever since Mom and dad died.”You snap back.

The room burned intense silence. One of the boys cleared their throats but you weren’t sure who.

There were tears pooling in your eyes nows as you say through your clenched teeth, “That’s why I’m angry, Ashlyn. It’s not because of how you are treating me right now, or because Bucky snitched on me, he’s my friend. I know he was looking out for me. I’m freakin' mad because I can’t believe you forgot.”

Silence.

“What are you talking about Y/N?”

Vivid images of your parents pop into your head and you feel a tear, and then two, drop onto your cheeks. You rub them away quickly.

“It was mom and dad’s anniversary,”

Ashlyn’s expression and tone totally changes in that instant as it clicks. Her mouth opens slightly and her shoulders relax. But you weren’t, you were heartbroken over the fact that she didn’t get it.

You take a deep breath and look her dead in the eye, “I was visiting their grave that night. I was leaving mom her Lillies and dad his Yankee cap. The stupid hat kept flying away and I had to find a way to keep it down. It took me a half-hour.”

With that, you stormed out of the room.

* * *

 

After about twenty minutes of calming down in your sister’s obnoxiously pretty bathroom, you decided to walk out. You knew it would feel awkward at first which is why you decided that the best destination from there would be her terrace.

You turn off the bathroom light behind you and you walk down the long hallway towards the voices which have gotten significantly louder. It was clear that the sad and awkward moment between siblings had passed and everyone had changed the subject. You were partially thankful for that.

The first one to see you emerge from the hallway was Steve.

He did a double-take when he saw you standing there and the sides of his lips perked up.

“Hey you,” he gestured to the table, “We’re all attempting to make some home made pasta if you wanna join?”

The invitation was sweet and humble. That’s everything that Steve was. You smile at him and clear your throat as you step further into the kitchen.

Bucky looks between you and Ashlyn and he still sees the lingering tension there and he feels bad. He didn’t want this to happen. He just wanted Ashlyn to show that she did care for you.

“Yea, Y/N, it’ll be fun,” Nat adds.

You give a slight smile, still avoiding eye contact with your sister. You eye the terrace through the glass doors in the living room.

“In a bit. I’m just gonna grab some fresh air, okay?”

“Yeah.” “Sure.” “Mhm.”

Bucky watches as you struggle to open the glass door at first. _Stupid thing wouldn’t even budge!_ You realize you didn’t unlock it on the hatch you cover your face with your hair embarrassingly.

Bucky looks back at Ashlyn just in time for her to make a comment, “I feel awful.”

Nat comfortingly rubs her back, “It’ll be okay. You guys just need to talk things out.”

Bucky agrees with this, but he gets another idea. He knows he promised to keep distance, but he knows he needs to do this. He doesn’t know why but he gets a feeling.

He really needed to stop getting those.

He quickly reaches over the bowl of dough and grabs one of the chips that everyone had been snacking on. Except he grabbed one off of Ashlyn’s plate.

Ashlyn raises a brow at him over her lashes and gives him a smirk.

“Really?”

Bucky smirks as he tosses the chip into his mouth and then gives her a wink.

“Bucky’s a fucking idiot.” Nat retorts, “Surprised you didn’t learn that yet.”

Steve tosses his head back in laughter.

Bucky finishes his chip and then gives Nat a playful smile.

“Kiss my ass, Romanoff.”

Everyone laughs for a bit and then Bucky turns back one more time towards the glass doors and sees you sitting there on one of the benches, playing with the sleeve of your long shirt.

He wipes his hands on his jeans and then gets up from his stool.

“Babe, I’m gonna go outside for a bit,” Ashly looks up questionably and then she also looks out at you. Bucky doesn’t miss Nat’s weird look and he’s prepared for this which is when he adds, “I’m just gonna try and make her feel better. You can thank me later.” He gives Ashlyn a suggestive wink that makes her blush.

* * *

You’re slightly startled by the soft knock you hear on your side of the glass door that leads out to the terrace. It was a gorgeous terrace, the floors were dark wood and the outdoor furniture were brown with green cushions and there was a decent size jacuzzi on the side. 

You look up and you’re slightly surprised to see Bucky standing there.

He bites his bottom lip nervously and then looks over to the other chair on the opposite side.

You catch on and without him having to say anything you wave your left hand to the chair, gesturing for him to take a seat.

He smiles and closes the door behind him.

He sits down and you look over at him. He had a blue plaid shirt that were rolled at the elbows and his jawline was sharp and determined as he stared out into the city. You watched as a gentle late August wind came and softly blew one of his hairs onto his forehead- a small imperfection.

You smiled to yourself.

You and your sister fought a lot and you knew this one would blow over eventually, but you had to admit that your sister did deserve Bucky. He was everything that she wasn’t. He was calm, he was gentle, and he always had both his feet on the ground. He was careless and he loved McDonalds and John Mayer. You wondered what else he liked.

You’re lost in your thoughts when Bucky snaps his head to look at you, but this time his face is serious and a bit sad.

“Y/N,”he starts softly. He moves his seat closer to you and rests both his arms on his legs as he leans closer to you, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know…”

He doesn’t have to finish for you both to know what he’s talking about.

The edge of your sweater drags across your cheek as you rub the tears that are dried there. You rest your chin on your hand as you rested your elbow on your knee and you looked away from him and out towards the city.

You were hurt. Her words hurt you.

You take a deep breath and say, “Of course. You didn’t know. How could you know?”

Except that he should’ve. He shouldn’t have been so rude with you when he picked you up, he should’ve asked you what you were doing calmly like areal friend would. He went about it all the wrong way and he knew this, it’s why it bothered him so much.

You click your tongue as you turn to face him. His face is looking at you intently, deep in thought, “I just can’t believe she brought Brock and Eddie up, ya know? She knows how upset I get about that stuff. She can be so cold sometimes.” Your voice is a tremble and you run your hand through your hair, tossing it back a bit.

For the first time in a long time, you felt comfortable talking to another person in this manner. Sure, you had Nat now, but that was different. That was girl talks and talking about kinky things and laughter. This was real shit stuff. Sure, Bucky had outed you out that day at The Plaza but you realized that he was looking out for you. And since then, Steve hasn’t backed off from you. He’s just been more calm and less on top of you, and you admired that.

Which is why you felt so comfortable with Bucky now. But as you looked at him and how innocent he was you didn’t get how someone could fall for someone else when they were both completely different.

“You know, she didn’t even care to remember. They would’ve been married thirty five years.”

The look he gives you isn’t sad, it’s sympathetic, and it’s a slight smile.

“I miss them so much, Bucky. I don’t understand how she doesn’t. Like, I get that she’s your girl and all, but there’s so much you still don’t know, I think.”

And perhaps you’re right, but Bucky knows that those details will come out with time. Right now, out here, his main focus was you and Ashlyn.

His voice is still almost as low as a whisper as he looks closely at you, “I’m sure she does care just as much, Y/N. You can’t say she doesn’t just because it didn’t enter her mind in that moment. Your safeness was the first thing on her mind when I told her about you. Everything else got clouded up.”

You ponder that for a second. You narrow your eyes at him.

“Why _did_ you tell her?”

“Because she should be there to protect you. You need someone there to protect you.” He says it as if it’s obvious, “Unfortunately, with siblings, things will always be a rollercoaster ride, but the one thing that should never change is your love for each other.”

“I understand.”

And you do. You had to talk to Ashlyn and figure stuff out, things had to be better again. Your thoughts quickly lift from that to another topic, “Thank you for that, by the way. For bringing my car back to my house all fixed. I just think it’s hilarious that she called my car a piece of crap, it’s like she’s never seen yours.”

He places a hand dramatically on his chest,playing offended, “What? Hey!”

You chuckle and it’s a sweet sound.

His face falls for a second in shame and you observe it. You roll your eyes when you sense why he reacted that way. You couldn’t believe it.

“She’s never seen your car?” You burst out laughing.

He avoid eye contact for a bit and pokes at his own sleeve.

“Ashlyn ain’t gonna care. I know her.” He mumbles.

“Yeah, okay.” You say sarcastically. You both knew the answer to that.

 

The sadness was now gone as you both smiled slightly.

“I still can’t believe you did this for her.”

He looked up as you gestured around the city, the terrace, and her million dollar loft.

“Yeah, well, love makes you do crazy things sometimes.”

The response is so sweet that for a second you miss that feeling.

“But this for me is nothin’, ya know? Not that I’m sayin’ I got her less than what I could’ve but I know what some people might think knowin’ I did this for her. But they just need to understand where it comes from. My dad did the same for my mother.”

You notice his New York accent slip in for a split second and you take note of that for later when you tease him. The comment about his mother makes you smile, though. Is this what he thought about your sister? You look at the massive life he’s given her and you think about the statement he just made.

He really did _love_ Ashlyn.

Maybe you just had to learn to love the same things about her that he did.

“You’re an ass for that by the way,” You reach out and push him playfully, “Friends aren’t supposed to snitch on their own friends. Have you never had a friend?”

Bucky laughs out loud and then excitedly does a mini dance.

“Yes! We’re friends!”

You gave him a smile as your eyes crinkled at the sides, “Duh, you idiot.”

You and Bucky sat for a bit longer next to each other just looking out into the city and taking in the sounds of Lower Manhattan.

You couldn’t deny it, this was _nice._ Maybe one day even you could move out here. Obviously, your apartment wouldn’t be as massive and it wouldn’t be in this part of town, but Manhattan didn’t sound so bad anymore.

You were deep in your thoughts when his gaze traveled to you. You always did that, he noted -daydreamed a lot.

“You know, I miss my mom, too.” It just comes out.

His comment catches you off guard and you snap your attention to him.

 “Sometimes I feel like she’s still here. It pains me so much when I remember how she was treated in her last moments.”

You can literally feel the emotion in his voice and it physically pains you.

“It wasn’t your fault, Bucky. As far as everyone knows, you are a hero. I’m sure she thought so, too.”

Bucky freezes as he perks a brow at your comment.

“You know about me?” He’s uncertain the way he asks, almost like he didn’t want a response.

You look at him like he’s dumb. Of course, you knew what everyone else in this country knew. Even your parents  and your sister knew who he and his family was. What kind of question even was that?

You start nodding and then Ashlyn appears at the door to the deck with Nat standing next to her.

“How we doing out here?” Ashlyn asks, hopeful. She stares a you suggestively a little longer.

You give her a slight smile, “We’re okay.”

Nat looks between you and Bucky and then at the phone in her hand, her smile is huge and excited. Bucky’s face is still contorted into a thoughtful expression.

Judging by Ashlyn’s smile she also knows what Nat is looking at and what she is about to announce.

“So,” Nat starts, “who wants to go to Sydney next week?”

* * *

 

 

 

_Starlight raining over me_  
_Like drifting through a memory_  
_Wake up in your crystal sky_  
_We're floating just to feel alive_

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky starts having weird doubts. Y/N learns what happened to Bucky's arm. Her opinions about him changes drastically. fluffy feels. -sister crushing on her sister's bf trigger warning-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is a shorter one, kind of a transition into the reader's opinion about Bucky. The next chapter is going to be a BIG one and I already have most of it done, so that one will come fairly quickly. Maybe tomorrow or another day this week.

_Keep me alive, make me cold  
Carve me up, and I will shine_

* * *

_“He was helping a group of Israeli children escape the orphanage that was being bombed.”_

 

_“The kids had made it safely onto the refuge truck, but they took him before he could get on.”_

 

_“His arm was merely hanging off by the nerves.”_

 

_“Miraculously, they were all intact.”_

* * *

**_Sydney, Australia_**  

Steve was finishing rubbing tanning lotion down your back when your gaze drifts over to Bucky and Ashlyn. Ashlyn was folding her towel and grabbing her sunglasses off the concrete ground of the pooling deck when you see Bucky unbuttoning his white dress shirt, revealing smooth skin.

You do a double-take as you take the lotion bottle from Steve. You realize this is the first time you’ve seen him without a shirt. He hadn’t gone swimming in Montauk, so naturally, as a woman, you were a bit caught off guard by the manscape. 

He was somewhat tan, his nipples significantly darker than the rest of his body, and it was obvious he worked out. He had subtle abs and toned arms that you never noticed before because they were always hidden under Henleys and plaid shirts. 

But that wasn’t why you couldn’t look away. It was the rugged scars that started on his arm, just below his left shoulder. 

They were deep, careless, spastic, and looked painful. You noticed him look down at it himself for a brief second as if wondering if he should put his shirt back on or not. He was self-conscious. 

He quickly decided against it and sat down on the chair and grabbed his own sunscreen out of his backpack that sat on the floor between his feet. 

You note another scar just below his armpit, it was deep and ran across towards the front of his chest but faded out just to the left of his nipple. As he sat back up, he involuntarily made eye contact with you, noticing your gaze on his scars. You were staring and he caught you. His eyes were emotionless as he stilled for a moment.

You felt the heat rise in your cheeks and you quickly looked away, ashamed.

You could feel his gaze still on you as you pretended to turn around to thank Steve for his help. 

The moment passes and Bucky ends up laying on the chair for a bit, taking in a quick tan and some vitamin D while the other girls were on the poolside sipping their cocktails and giggling. You could hear the laughter through the air and the splashing of water. 

You laid next to Steve who was also taking in some of the sun's rays. You didn’t want to admit it out loud, but the truth was that you didn’t want to admit that you were waiting for Bucky to leave so you could ask Steve the question that had been swirling in your head.

It takes about 45 minutes for that to finally happen. Ashlyn jumps out of the water and grabs onto his hand trying to drag Bucky in. She manages to pull him from his nap on the chair and to the pool. 

You wait until he’s out of ears length and with that you snap your head up from where it was resting on your crossed arms to look over at Steve. Before you can even get a word in he’s already talking. His eyes are closed tight, a small damp white towel draped lightly over them, and his mouth is in a straight line.

“He got it in the war.” He mumbles into the air. It was obvious that he was over relaxed and swaying in and out of a doze.

You gape at him, “What? How’d you-“

His eye remains closed and his feet are crossed at the ankles, his arms behind his head. He looked gorgeous as he laid tanning in the hot Aussie sun, taking all the glorious sunlight that God had to offer him.

“You were staring so hard, it was practically inappropriate.” He says casually.

What? There’s no way. You were trying so hard not to make it obvious. You feel your face turn a crimson shade once more.

“What? No, I wasn’t.” Your tone doesn’t even convince yourself. Crap. 

He smirks when your voice falters for a second, losing all confidence. 

He pokes an eye at you, “Kidding. But everyone always wonders when they see it, I just figured that’s where you were going.”

You feel less embarrassed for a second, realizing by Steve’s words that you weren’t the only one who has stared and asked. In that second, you kind of felt bad for Bucky. Really, you hadn’t meant to stare, but they just looked so painful. Who did that him? Did they always ask Steve since he was his best friend? Or did they usually ask Bucky? 

You felt inappropriate asking Bucky himself. It just felt so personal like a violation of privacy.

“So…what happened?” You asked hesitantly. Did you _want_ to know? 

“I’m sure he can tell you the details himself. But basically, it’s from when he was in Afghanistan.”

You head bows down in slightly shame, of course, it is. You should’ve known, how could you forget? You don’t know why you didn’t put two and two together. You knew he had been deployed years ago and you knew about how he had been lost in the desert and it took months to find him. But you distinctly remember them saying that he was fine and nothing bad happened to him- if anything, he was a huge hero for surviving without a scratch. 

So you were very confused by it all. 

You don’t ask Steve any further questions and instead decided to ask Nat the next time you saw her. 

Bucky sat at the edge of the pool with his back turned to you, his legs swaying in the cool chlorine water. After arguing with Ashlyn about not wanting to go in, she eventually gave up with a pout and let him be. He just wasn’t in the mood to go swimming right now, he had a lot going on in his head.

It wasn’t that he thought Ashlyn didn’t love your parents, of course, she did, but Y/N did have a point. There were a couple of things that you had said during your fight that kept him on edge. Did Ashlyn really not remember it was their anniversary? Did she really abandon you emotionally during your entire high school Career? What _didn’t_ he know?

That bag he saw in Ashlyn’s office, his mother used to own one similar. He was just a little boy when he went with her to go get her own in London. It was a five thousand dollar bag at the time. Why did Ashlyn have one? He knew Ashlyn wasn’t the kind of girl to care about stuff like that. Even if it was his father that bought one for her, that would be extremely out of line, it wasn’t even near her pay rate.

He knew he was overthinking it, but he kept thinking about that damn bag. 

But there was an even bigger thing that stood out to him that he just couldn’t shake. He kept thinking it as he watched Ashlyn, Nat, and Wanda sip on their rum buckets and laughing out loud in the deeper end. Ashlyn threw her head back, a big smile on her face, her boobs bouncing as she chuckled.

Bucky smiled.

She was damn gorgeous and there wasn’t a moment where he didn’t want to suck on them- his smile falters - except for right then and there.

 _You_ had known who he was, you made that confession when you said you knew what happened to his mother. And yes somehow Ashlyn didn’t know?

As if Ashlyn knew Bucky was thinking about her, she turned her head to face Bucky and she gave him a big smile. Bucky gave her a slight one back and a small wave. He didn’t know how he would go about this. If he should ask her directly. But maybe he shouldn’t even dwell on it, to begin with, Ashlyn wouldn’t lie, she was perfect- an angel. 

Instead, he could ask you. 

He involuntarily rubs his left arm, his eyebrows shuffling together. 

You had been staring at his scars. His ugly defying scars. He should be used it by now, its been years, but he wasn’t. 

* * *

 

You left the pool with Steve arm in arm (in a platonic way of course), laughing your asses off as you took funny selfies. You both had come to term with the current state of your relationship and you were both contents with whatever it was. He was a great friend, he always read you like a book, and he always knew the right things to say.

After the pool, you all went out to the yacht that would leave the Sidney bay at sunset. 

The gust of the ocean felt amazing against your freshly burnt skin, the tase of curly fries still fresh on your tongue. 

The girls were taking extra posed pictures to post on their Instagram while you sat with Steve, laid back with your feet up taking in the sway of the boat.

 _This love is like fire and ice_  
_This love is like rain and blue skies_  
_This love is like sun on the rise_

You had looked up and seen Bucky holding Ashlyn from behind as they both stared into the Australian sunset. He wasn’t shirtless anymore as he now wore a white t-shirt. 

Steve sat next to you and elbowed you playfully. You looked down and saw him offering you a burger slider which you gladly took with a big smile.

But you couldn’t help but let your gaze drift up once more towards the happy couple, you smile sliding off your face. There was more to the picture than what everyone could see, you knew it the moment you saw his arm. 

You felt pity and still not knowing what had happened to him _bothered_ you. 

You shook your head, trying to distract yourself with something else. You looked over at Steve with a smile, “You guys do this every year?”

“Actually, at least three times a year. For the end of summer, New years, and then right after July fourth.”

You rolled your eyes with a chuckle, “Jeez, you'll are extra.”

Steve laughed as you both looked around the boat as it sped up even faster against the tide. The Sydney sun felt amazing on your skin. The laughter of your new friends, mixed with the smell of Chanel perfume with sea salt, barbecue, and maybe a shot of whiskey, left you with a feeling of content and enjoyment. 

It was amazing.

This life was amazing.

“Admit it, you love it.”

You bit your lip at how true his statement was. You couldn’t believe you were enjoying this. 

It was almost the like sound of the music went up in that moment and you got instant goosebumps upon your arm.

You saw your sister reach her hand out for you to stand up. You looked up at her with bright eyes and then you looked over at Bucky who was smiling and gesturing with his head for you to take her hand. 

“I can’t dance, Ashlyn! I need at least some alcohol first.” Everyone chuckled and you saw Nat hand you a glass of something pink. You perked a brow at her.

“Take it, Y/N!” 

Screw it. 

You don’t know what it was, all you knew was that it was delicious and the rest of the night was the most fun you had in years. 

You didn’t want it to end, but unfortunately, it had to at some time.

It was 11 pm and everyone else had already gone to bed except for you and Nat. Both of your hairs were pulled to the side from your late showers after scrubbing the chlorine and ocean water out of it.

You still couldn’t believe you jumped off the side of the boat. You had never done that before.

Nat was giving you a smirk.

“You glowed in the Australian sun today, Y/N. You both get along well.” 

You smiled at Nat’s words as you stared at her across the island.

You couldn’t complain you were getting used to this life - it was fun. It was crazy how much you were beginning to love your new friends, and you couldn’t wait to be back New Years.

Your face falls as you remember what had happened earlier at the pool when you had seen Bucky take off his shirt. You look down and clear your throat. 

“Nat I need to ask you something.”

She gives you a questioning look.

“What's up?”

You weren’t sure how to ask it, but then you realized that there just wasn’t an easy way to ask it. You had to just ask it.

“At the pool today I noticed Bucky’s arm, and I know it’s probably something really personal and private but they look,” You looked up to see her eyes lost in a trance as if you touched a _really_ touchy subject. Shit.

“Like something really bad happened to him.”

Nat looked around the permitters and then cleared her own throat.

“He doesn’t really like to talk about it. Trust me if it’s something he wants to tell you, he will himself when he is ready.”

You understood that you did, but you couldn’t help but overthink it all. Which is why you can’t even stop the next phrase from leaving your mouth before it does.

“What happened in Afghanistan? He didn’t just get lost did he?”

Nat gave you a hard look, it was almost angry and furious.

“Like I said, Y/N,” her tone was stern, “he has to be the one to tell you.”

You didn’t mean to poke a nerve. You tried to justify yourself as much as possible.

“I just feel bad. Obviously, he was very hurt.” 

Nat got up from her stool, “Look I’m gonna get to bed. As I said, he will tell you. That’s not my place.”

You nodded shortly, “Okay. Thanks, Nat.”

You didn’t mean to make Nat upset. You sit there with your own thoughts for a few minutes taking in the conditions of which your life sat in this very moment. 

You still couldn’t believe any of it.

You smiled to yourself. In that instant, your phone dinged on the counter. You unlocked it to see a text from Steve.

**_Goodnight buddy_ **

You bit your bottom lip as your smiled widened.   
****

You see something in your peripheral vision and you almost jump up in surprise before you notice it’s Bucky turning the corner from the hallway into the living area. He doesn’t look so amused as he walks right past you and to the cupboard next to the fridge.

“Oh, hey. I didn’t know you were up.” You say nervously over the sound of cardboard and plastic shuffling. It was obvious he was trying to be obnoxious with his movements, nobody is that loud when messing through cardboard. Your eyes don’t leave the corner in which he was just standing moments ago. You were screwed, did he hear you?

You look to your left to see him digging his arm into the box of Frosted Flakes. He glared at you.

He shrugs, his face still giving you a not amused look, “Been here for a while actually. Couldn’t sleep. But didn’t wanna interrupt, ya know, your little girl chat.”

He wasn’t sure why he was so upset. It wasn’t just that he hated when people talked about him behind his back, but he especially didn’t like it when it was out of pity. But especially you. He had no idea why _you_ wanted to act as you cared. Or maybe it was because he didn’t know how to react to someone caring that wasn’t his long-time friends or family. Even Ashlyn, when she had seen them, she didn’t pry too much. And he liked that. 

It didn’t bring back good memories if anything it was disrespectful. 

He shoved another fist of dry cereal into his mouth as the realization hits your face. He had heard your conversation with Nat, it was so obvious.

You looked down, embarrassed.

“Bucky-“

He shrugged once more. It was clear he was trying to not look like it bothered him, but it was obvious it did. 

He munched on his cereal loudly, still glaring at you.

“It’s okay to be curious. It’s just why?” He spats once more, “It’s just, it’s not really your business, ya know?” One more shrug.

You were momentarily caught off guard by his cold demeanor. 

You cleared your throat and looked away from him, trying to hide your hurt expression

“I didn’t mean to offend you, Bucky.” Really, you hadn’t. “I thought we were friends.”

You get up from your seat and it’s obvious that he thought you were about to walk out of that kitchen and not mention it ever again. That was his intention, but that’s not what you do. 

You walk up to him until you’re standing right in front of him. He looks down at you, curious and taken aback by your brave action.

You narrowed your brows up at him, nothing but hard determination on your face. You didn’t like when people put words in your mouth and you weren't going to now. 

You saw right through his tough stance. You saw him visibly gulp at your stance, you didn’t even blink.

“They looked painful.” Your voice is serious and filled with emotion.

Your words and the way you said them, and the look you gave him while you said it, made him gulp once more.

“Yeah,” he voice comes out in a broken whisper, “Yeah they were.”

You look at his covered arm, “I understand that you don’t want to tell me yet, I do,” then you look back at his face, “But I hope that one day that opinion changes.” 

You wait there, searching his eyes for any answer, but they’re blank. Just when you thought he was a friend you could easily read, you were proven wrong. You let out a long sigh and turn around to walk away from him.

You don’t expect the hand that catches your arm before you walk away.

You looked down surprised by his move. You were so sure he wasn’t going to say much else. 

“Why are you so curious about me, Y/N?” His voice is broken and you noticed the tint of surprise and empathy in them. You wonder this, did no one ever show interest in his well being before?

The answer was simple. 

“You’re my friend, Bucky. I shouldn’t be any different than all your other friends. I came to freakin Australian with you guys, and I’m the only one that knows nothing.”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you. I don’t like talking about it.”

His heart fell as he watched disappointment make your shoulders slump. 

“Y/N,” His voice is a sad whisper and it makes you swallow hard, “You don’t want to know, Y/N.”

Your breathing picked up and your teeth clenched. 

“I do.”

And so he does. He tells you everything. He tells you about how he was captured and what they did to him while he was taken. Apparently, his only scars weren’t just on his shoulder, but in other parts of his body too. He gives you excruciating details that make you shiver. 

“It was a miracle they were able to salvage it,” He blinks away the heat in his eyes as he plays with the cereal box in his hands, “When they found me it was hanging off by the nerves and some muscle. Took years of physical therapy to go back to somewhat some normality.”

“If you want to read more they’re all in a file locked in the tower, blocked by two guards. My parents didn’t want the public to know. Something about ruining the Barnes image.” He answers your question when he notices you frown. Your heart falls slightly at this statement. He sets the frosted flakes box between his legs, you were both now sitting across from each other on the kitchen floor, “Almost as if I was pathetic or something. 

“Fuck,” He throws his head back against the cabinet in disbelief, “I was their own child, ya know?”

You look sadly at him as he runs at hand through his hair. It was obvious why he didn’t like talking about this.

“But you’re not pathetic.” You say simply.

He scoffs.

“I might not be pathetic, but I'm also certainly not a hero.”

“Bucky, you survived months of pure human torture and look at where you are now.” You gestured around you.

Bucky looks at you for a second in amazement. After all that and you still thought he wasn’t pathetic? He looks at your hands fidgeting in your lap and for once in his life he decides to maybe accept that he could be a hero of some sort. He looks down at his own hands now and nods.

An overwhelming amount of terrible and sad emotions fill his heart. You notice as he takes a deep breath, soft tears on his water line.

“Bucky?” 

You don’t expect it to come out so softly, but it does. 

His eyes snap to you and the look in them surprises you. It’s filled with heartbreak and sorrow.

“You wanna know what I was doing before I was caught?” There are tears in his voice when he asks you angrily. But you knew he wasn’t angry with you, he was angry at the situation, he was angry at whatever it was he was about to tell you.

“I was helping a group of Israeli children onto a school bus to escape the orphanage that was being bombed.”

He shakes his head as he looks up at the ceiling, those events playing in the eyes of his mind.

His answer leaves you numb and with another feeling, you can’t quite pinpoint. This man in front of you, he was nothing you thought he was. He had a heart of gold. You’re speechless. Your heart hammers away inside of you as the many emotions flicker over his face.

 

He laughs painfully, “And you know what? Even though I laid there dying, bleeding out from all parts of my body, feeling the pain that no man should ever feel, I was happy,” Wait, what? “I was happy because I was able to save everyone one of those little kids. I’m glad it was me and not them.”

You feel the tips of your fingers tingle and your palms sweating. You wanted to snatch them off your lap and give him a hug. How could someone be so selfless, so unselfish? 

This boy that sat in front of you - the one you thought was conceited, spoiled, and privileged- he was anything but.

* * *

 _And just like that_  
_All I feel is you_  
_All I feel is you_  
_You are all for me_

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> finally. feelings. strong language.

_I found New York laying in your arms_  
_We'll melt into the bedroom floor_  
_Never knew I'd stay for so long_

* * *

One year later.

New York City, _New York_

“I just think it’s interesting that you knew who I was, yet you said that the first moment you saw me you had no idea who I was,” He looked back at you with a contagious smug smile, “and dare is say, you thought I was cute.” 

You roll your eyes. He was such an annoying tease sometimes and it made you blush how much his accusation was true.

“Shut up, Barnes! It was a momentary lapse,” You threw your hand up defensively, that cocky smirk still on his face, “anyone could’ve thought that about you if you were mentally slow like I was at the time. I was _starving_. Also, they never showed a lot of you on TV,” you point a finger in his face, “at least not as much as your parents.”

He sighs happily.

“Okay, fine. I’ll let it slide.”

You chuckle, finally taking in the serenity of the comfortable silence in the parked car in the dark. You couldn’t help that high that you felt in your tummy when he bit his lip and shook his head at your silliness.

Your smile grew involuntarily, “You’re an idiot,” You looked outside your window and to Ashlyn’s apartment building. It was taunting and it stuck in your face like a big middle finger, “remind me again why we’re here and why you made me wear a dress?”

He looks outside his own car window.

“I’m surprising your sister with the best birthday party she’s ever been to. She thinks we’re just going out to eat, but no.”

Your head snapped to face him in disbelief. He always did things like this, he always seemed to pull great ideas out of his ass and transform them into gestures that were too pure and great.

“No way, what did you do?”

The side of his lip perked up.

“I just pulled some few strings- invited some highly important people.”

The kind of boyfriend he was never fazed to amaze you. For a moment you feel jealous. You wondered what it felt like to be treated the way he treated Ashlyn. The sad part was that Ashlyn took it for granted, it was like she didn’t appreciate what she had right in front of her.

You blink quickly and swallow the dry lump that had formed.

“You do so much for her.”

You hear him sigh and a sound which could only be him readjusting himself in his seat.

“We’ve talked about this. She deserves it.”

If you listened any closely, you could almost hear that doubt in his voice. But he would never admit to it and you knew that.

You shake the anger and the sour emotions and instead give the back of his head a sad smile.

“She does love you, but she loves the money, too, Bucky. You gotta admit it has crossed your mind at least once or twice, or a _bazillion times_ the last year.”

“It has, okay? Of course, I’ve noticed how she’s taken a liking to certain things and also to the company, but she’s not a bad person, Y/N. I know you both have your differences but you need to just accept the fact that while she likes material things,she also does love you and me very much. And you and I love her, too.”

He was right. You decide to change the subject. Up to ten minutes ago, the atmosphere in the car was happy and now it was gloomy and kind of _emo._

“Except for that time, we dumped that homemade bucket of slime on her head.”

Bucky throws his head back against the seat in laughter. His laugh comes from his chest, hearty and strong.

“Yeah, she was not happy about that.”

You chuckle softly.

“It was fun though.”

“Dude, _all_ our pranks are fun though. The best one has to be that time we tried the saran wrap on Steve’s toilet seat and we heard him screaming like a little pansy.”

You laugh just as loud as he did seconds ago, “It got in his fucking hair. Do you still have the picture of his face on your phone?”

He turns and gives you a blank expression, “Uh, duh.”

You couldn’t believe you and Buck have been best friends for over a year now. You remember when you first became friends if someone told you he would become your best friend, even more so than Nat, you would’ve laughed in their face. But here you both were getting along amazingly well.

“Send it to me.”

He perked a brow at you.

“Why? What are you planning, you little minx?”

“Oh, nothing.”

He mumbles something under his breath about how you’re always up to something and you feel so happy at that moment.

Something else you were feeling was pee- you really had to pee. You bounced your leg up and down quickly as you looked out towards the building.

“God, what is taking her so long? You don’t take this long.” Bucky exclaims.

“She’s probably making sure each piece of hair is in _prestige_ position.”

“Yeah, but so is yours and you take half the time.”

There’s a moment of silence after he says that and you think it’s because he realized what he said and it makes your cheeks heat up instantly. He’s never said something like that about you ever, he always teased you, not complimenting you.

“What?” You ask him breathlessly.

He clears his throat, “Actually, yea no,” he reaches over and ruffles your hair, “it’s ugly as hell. You know what it almost looks worst than that time when you got run over by that kid Kyle on his bike on 53rd, remember?”

Of course, you remember. The kid had also spilled hot chocolate all over your blouse and hair, and Bucky had made fun of you all day calling you ‘chocolahtay’.

Someone walks out of the building and you realize it’s Ashlyn. She looks happy as she picks up the side of her long dress so it wouldn’t drag across the floor. 

“Shut up, there she comes!” You see your sister’s smile go from happy to weird. You know why and so does Bucky, “I still can’t believe you brought your Honda.”

“I had to bring my baby to this.”

“God, you’re sad.”

“You know you love her.”

You did. You and Bucky shared some fun memories in the car with Steve. On Ashlyn’s business trips with her father, when the three of you would hang, you would always go away together in it. You puked in it once, you practically got stabbed to death in it by Bucky’s straw that got stuck in the cigarette burner (long story), and then there’s the faint but heavy memories of you, Bucky, and Steve singing 80s hits while driving to a Wawa in Jersey.

“Yeah, but I’m not so sure Ashlyn will. We know how she is.”

On her walk to the car, Ashlyn looks around her surroundings to see who’s watching her walk into the Honda. Her uneasiness sticks out like a sore thumb.

“Hey, Baby.” She greets Bucky as he gets into the passenger seat. “Uhh, where’s your car?”

You look between them trying to hold in your laughter. Bucky was stuttering while Ashlyn looked mortified.

“I, Uh, I-this,” he clears his throat, “this is my car.”

This was _hilarious._ You loved watching him squirm.

“Yeah, right!” She notices Bucky’s face and how he’s not smiling and her face falls, “oh, _oh_.” She looks around it realizing it wasn’t a joke, “it’s nice. I like it.” She gives him a smile. 

You narrow your eyes at her. No way that response was innocent and honest. You knew her, she **hated** this damn car.

Ashlyn looks out the window and Bucky turns to look at you and sticks his tongue out victoriously.

You give him a grimace.

* * *

 

You three arrive at The Rainbow Room. It was prestigious and glorious beyond recognition, you had only heard of this ballroom in movies and it definitely owed up to its reputation. You looked around in complete awe as you walked in, your eyes going immediately to the beautiful dance floor in the center and the light fixture hanging above. Surrounding the circular room were rectangle windows that expanded from the floor to the ceiling, exposing a glorious view of Manhattan at dusk.

You felt the music pumping in your veins as everyone clapped widely at Ashlyn and Bucky’s entrance- you trailing right behind. The howling and loud clapping made Ashlyn’s face break out into a huge smile while Bucky grabbed her hips from behind and kissed her neck, whispering happy birthday in her ear.

You swallowed thickly as you did a double-take, watching this unfold. 

It was insane to you how out of his way Bucky would go for someone he loved. He was always so selfless and giving. You watched as he gave your sister a squeeze and you looked away.

Blinking quickly, you try to find one of your friends in the massive crowd of entrepreneurs, colleagues, and CEOs.

You’re glad when a familiar voice greets you from your left, his posture is nothing short of mature and self-confidence. He holds a smirk on his face as he gestures his elbow for you to take.

“Walk with me?”

His question makes you smile and you hook your arms together.

You look up at him as he walks you up the steps onto the floors where the tables were. You look over, admiring his face. His profile was gorgeous. There literally was no flaw about him. He notices you staring and he looks back at you, a twinkle in his blue/green eyes.

“So how’ve you been Steve? How was Haiti at the humanitarian relief?”

Because of course, Steve Rogers had spent the last four months in Haiti helping the need. Everyone claimed it was a publicity stunt for Barnes’ company but anyone that knew Steve personally would know that even though if he was ordered to go, he was mostly going for the will of his own heart.

“It was amazing.”

There’s so much compassion in his voice when he answers.

“I’m glad. I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

You remember what happened the last time you saw him; you both do.

He clears his throat as his cheeks turn a shade of pink, “Yeah, how have things been?”

“They’ve been great. Ashlyn’s been away a lot with Mr. Barnes trying to wrap things up,” your eyes drift back towards the couple who are greeting the guests, “if you know what I mean.”

Steve’s smiles slide off his face and he bites his lip nervously.

“Does _he_ know how long he has?”

It breaks your heart when you remember how much of a toll this entire thing is on Bucky. You sigh and push your hair that was beginning to tickle your face behind your ear.

“I’m sure he’s aware. He’s been working nonstop for the last few weeks trying to get everything ready.”

You remember helping him for months trying to organize how to get every paperwork ready, trying to learn all the ropes and essentials he would need to be the next CEO. Ashlyn was always away on her business meetings and had little to offer, you, on the other hand, stayed in the city and watched as he sat countless nights with bloodshot eyes staring at his laptop at 3 am on the top floor on the tower.

Part of you felt pity while the other felt pride for your friend. Ashlyn wasn’t treating him right and you had called him out on it many times, but when the fight always came to love it was different. Something in him just wouldn’t give in. It’s not that you didn’t want your sister to be happy, you did, but something was off. Bucky deserved the best, he deserved love and respect back, especially for the amount of work he was putting in to prepare for his father’s death.

You take a deep breath when you see Steve narrow his eyes at you.

“He’s like a changed man. Remember when he would come in with T-shirts and jeans? Poor guy snapped at an intern the other day because she was wearing flats instead of heels.”

Steve scoffed with a small smile, not believing Bucky would do such a thing.

“Jesus.”

You remember that poor girl crying later in the bathroom and then Bucky feeling awful about it after you told him, but you both knew it was the stress.

You look back up at the couple, and this time Bucky looks up and smiles at you briefly when your eyes meet. You smile back.

“Yea I think he’s going through some severe andropause.”

Steve laughs, “Bucky’s twenty-seven not forty-nine.”

You shrug and cross your arms, immediately your eyes scan the room, looking for the open bar.

Steve continues to stare at you.

“How’s it going between you two?”

You’re caught off guard by his question and you feel a sensation in your face that you pray to God isn’t evident to the outside. By Steve’s expression, you can’t even tell what he’s feeling or what he’s trying to say.

Between you and Bucky? What kind of question even is that? All you know is that it makes you nervous.

“What do you mean?”

“Like I know things were crazy at first, and then those trips we always took together you both seemed to get along amazingly well. _But then_ you always argued. Just wanted to make sure you haven’t killed each other yet.”

Oh, that’s what he meant. You feel relief and memories take you back to that day, making you gape and hit Steve playfully in the arm.

“Well duh! He tried to stab me, Steve!”

Steve chuckles.

“It was barely an attempt at anything. The car would’ve caught fire if he didn’t get the damn straw out!”

Your chuckles dial down, “Yeah whatever,” Your eyes narrow as you begin to overthink and more memories from the last few months overwhelm you. Your voice is low now, “No yeah, things are great. We’re getting along pretty well. He’s my best friend, ya know?”

Steve nods. He gives you an intense look that makes you swallow nervously, and then he’s taking a step towards you until there are only mere inches between you. He takes one of your crossed arms in his hands and holds it.

“What about me?”

That night replays in your head. The night that should’ve meant more to you.

“Steve…”

You don’t know if it’s the gesture or how softly he’s holding your hand (or maybe it’s even something else you can’t pinpoint at that time), but you feel small tears building up in the back of your throat. The look he’s giving you is nothing but grace and you felt like a bitch for it.

“I’ve been waiting for you for almost a year and a half now, Y/N. You know I have.”

Shit. You’ve dreaded this conversation for months, but you knew you had to be smart about it. You couldn’t throw this out, you had to be cautious about it.

“I know, Stevie, I know. But his is the first time in a long time where I’m finally learning myself again, who I am. I’m just now getting ready to maybe be ready to be in a relationship again. I can’t rush this, but I’m getting there.”

He squints his eyes understandingly and gives your hadn’t a tight squeeze, but his mouth is in a tight line.

“I understand.”

God, you hated this. It was like stepping on a puppies paw.

“It’s not that I don’t want-“

“No, “ he stops you with a soft shake of his head, “yea I get it,” his tone is strong and you’re certain by it that he does understand, “And I don’t regret it. That day out on the terrace.”

You blush furiously at the memory and by the way, he’s looking directly into your eyes. You had both had a bit too much to drink at the New Years ever party in Australia three months ago and he had leaned over while you were a mid chuckle and kissed you. It had been building for a bit, in a cute high school love kind of way.

It felt sweet and good; soft.

“It was right.”

He says strongly, pulling you closer to his chest.

You look up at him, “but not the right time.”

Steve looks down at his feet and shuffles them while pulling his hands out of yours and sticking them in his pockets.

“And that’s what I’m waiting for, y/n.”

You smile sweetly at him and he smiles back. You step up to him, wrapping your arms around his neck for a tight hug which he returns just as tightly. You both stay like that for a few moments until you feel a low rumble against your hair. 

“You know, when Bucky was a little boy he almost got stabbed too.”

Your eyes furrow in confusion, many many scenarios coming into your mind. Bucky was stabbed, or almost stabbed?

“What?” you say as you pull away from him.

Steve has a smug smile on his, “Yeah, by a little blue stuffed teddy bear named boo bear.”

He bursts out laughing after he says it.

“No way,  Bucky had a little stuffed bear when he was a baby?”

“Oh, the boo bear story.” You hear Nat’s voice behind you. She’s sucking on a black straw that was most likely sucking up some overhyped alcoholic drink, an amused look in her gorgeous eyes.

Steve gives Nat an outraged look.

“Baby? He was like nine years old!”

Nat obviously knew this story, but even so, she still manages to choke on her drink.

You try to contain your laughter. You couldn’t believe this.

“Okay, so why did this stuffed bear almost stab him?”

“It was one of those bears where the arms are stiff because they have these wooden arms, right? But keep in mind he’s had this damn bear since he was two so it was beginning to rip at the seams. It was dirty and ugly,  but he still loved that damn thing. He held it every night when he went to bed.”

You envision Bucky holding a little stuffed bear while he slept and it warmed your heart. You smile faintly.

“One night he had a really bad dream and I guess he squeezed it a bit too tight. The damn wood poked out from the arm and “stabbed” him.” Steve continues, “Well, more like poked and he didn’t even notice until he woke up that morning.”

“He was traumatized, and not because of the stabbing, but because of the wood coming out of boo bear’s arm. His mom made him throw it out that afternoon and he was never the same ever again.” Steve ends the story dramatically.

By the end of it, you didn’t know if you wanted to laugh and make fun of Bucky or find it adorable. The only thing you kept wondering after that is if Sam knew about this and if so, he must give Bucky hell for it.

The rest of the party ended up being a huge blast. This was no longer your first of these kinds of parties, it was probably your fifteenth now, and you have become surprisingly accustomed to them. You’ve learned that hanging out by the open bar was your best place to be, it avoided conversations with people you could care less about and you could get as drunk as you wanted to. But that last part was a joke, you didn’t drink _every_ time. But the people here probably thought you did. Especially damn Carol from _accounting._

She picks up her cosmo from the bar, giving you a side glance.

“Back at it again are we, miss y/l/n?”

You could only respond to her snarky and sarcastic comment with a fake smile and a wave of your own drink in your hand.

“As always.”

She gave you another glance of un-amusement and when she was walking away, you gave her back a dirty look.

What was it with these middle-aged women not being able to mind their own business? You take another sip of your fruity drink and you see Bucky and Ashlyn in the corner of the venue. Your eyes narrow curiously as Ashlyn rolls her eyes and Bucky gestures wildly. They were arguing, that much was clear.

Bucky runs his hands down his face as he feels the anger boiling in his chest.

“Babe, this is the third one in a month. I feel like I hardly see you anymore.” 

Ashlyn gives him an apologetic face, her hair falling across the side of her face.

“I know, Bucky, but these are strict times right now. You know what I mean,” she gives Mr. Barnes a side-eye glance from the corner of her eye and Bucky looks at him as well, “We have to get everything done.”

He narrows his eyes at her, still not understanding why it was so difficult for them to spend more time together, unrelated work times. He was slowly beginning to understand less and less what was happening to them. He was stressed.

“I just don’t get why I can’t come with you, Ashlyn.” She gives him a confused look, “Seriously, it’s all I ask. I’m your boyfriend and I can’t even go with my girlfriend on a damn business trip.”

She feels the guilt, she does, but he couldn’t accompany her. It’s not like it was her right to decide anyway. 

“Bucky, you just _can’t._ ”

He looked at her in disbelief. He couldn’t believe the situation he was in. He had been the one to offer her a position as an assistant and somehow she had managed to peak herself through and he couldn’t even accompany her? He was furious. He just wasn’t sure if it was at her that was mad or at himself.

Of course that the last few months Bucky had started to realize what you had been trying to tell him for months, and on a certain note he did agree, but at the end of the day Ashlyn was still his girlfriend and he had to put at least some kind of effort into trying to look past the negative and just appreciate her for who she is. She was making that really difficult lately.

He gives her a hard glare with his ice-blue eyes.

“Yeah, I get it.”

She was taken aback by his expression.

“It’s classified information.” She stutters out.

Bucky rolls his eyes this time. 

“Ashlyn, it’s not like I’m going to be reading over your shoulder or going with you guys to the meeting. Even though I have every right to. I just want to spend the nights with you,” he moves up closer to her and looks at her eyes, her nose, and her lips- just trying to admire her for a second.

“Ashlyn we haven’t had sex in a month.”

He could literally feel the distance between them, not just emotionally but physically.

She gulps at his words, her face feeling hot and her chest heavy, “Yeah well, maybe that's a good thing, Bucky.”

Bucky literally recoils in pain as he takes a step back, his posture going frigid. Her eyes lacked emotion.

“What?”

“I just mean, this business has to be ready. We can’t be distracted.”

It was just getting more ridiculous by the second, her logic made no sense to him.

“You do realize I’m the next CEO right? That at this point there isn’t anything that I don’t know anymore. That the only fucking ass reason I’m not going with dad is that they don’t need my signature, _yet._ ” He emphasizes the last word.

Ashlyn gulps, shocked. He had never spoken to her in this tone before, let alone used a curse word with her. She feels the tears in her eyes and the instant regret on Bucky’s face. 

“You’ll thank me one day,” she says hoarsely, “Anyways. Thanks for the birthday, Bucky.”

She walks away with tears in her eyes, making sure to hit his arm on the way out. 

* * *

The rest of the night is a heavy blur on Bucky’s mind. He worries about how things with Ashlyn will follow out after the party. It doesn’t help when he runs into Ashlyn at the hallway to the bathrooms and she tells him that Bucky could go ahead home and she would just call an Uber and meet him at his place. _Maybe_ meet him at his place, she emphasized before walking past his fallen expression.

He had run a hand down his face and the first thing on his mind was to find you and just get the hell out of there. He didn’t even care about the paparazzi at this point, he just wanted his best friend and his home. He needed to think maybe have another drink.

He knows you well by now and it doesn’t take him longer than a bathroom break to find you standing at the bar.

He knows you’re bored out of your mind and completely out of your comfort zone, but that’s what always amazed him about you. You would go out of your shell to please your sister and your friends.

He takes the glass out of your hand as your taking in the last sip of your drink and you gave him a pouty look that is nothing short of adorable.

“Let's get the hell out of here.”

A huge weight is lifted off your shoulders and you let out a long sigh as you pick up your bag off the counter.

“Finally.”

It doesn’t take much for you to notice Bucky’s attitude as he struts out of the room, accidentally hitting some people on the way out and his mouth in a tight line. You have trouble keeping up with his pace in your painfully high heels. It isn’t until you’re both walking towards the elevators when you notice a very distinct detail.

“Wait, where’s Ashlyn?”

Bucky presses the elevator down button.

“We got into an argument.”

This didn’t surprise you. Six months ago, maybe, but not anymore. They were at each other’s throats whenever she would be back in town.

You both make it down to the lobby in comfortable silence, your heels now in your hands and your feet barefoot against the marble.

Once you’re both at his car around the side street you peek over his hood.

“What happened?”

Bucky visibly sides and gets in the car. You get inside with him and immediately kick on the heat towards your feet. Used to this now, Bucky says nothing. He pulls out his cell phone and types away some quick text before letting out a heavy breath and tossing it in his cup holder.

“It just, don’t you think I should be going with her to theses business trips?”

“Yea I guess.”

“I _should_ be. I'm her boyfriend. What if she-“

“What if she what, Bucky?”

It’s silent.

“Nothing. Forget it.”

It annoyed you to the core how back and forth he was. It physically pained you and made you want to slap him as you watched him sulk in his driver's seat. He brought this on himself, and it’s not like he ever didn’t anything to change it. And God, how you would change it for him in a heartbeat. You quickly look away as you feel a tightness in your chest.

You look down at your nervous hands as you play with them.

“You’re the one that gave her this job- this life. I warned you from the beginning and you admitted yourself that you knew what you were getting yourself into. And you said that it didn’t matter because she-“

“ _Loved me_.”

“Loved you.”

You look up at him and your eyes meet in an intense gaze.

“I think you need to relax, Bucky. You’re being hard on yourself.”

You reach out and caress his hand that is on the gear shift. Bucky looks down at your hand on his and he realizes you’ve never held his hand before.

“ _It’ll be okay_.”

For some reason, when he pulls out of his parking spot, he leaves more anxious then than when he left the party.

* * *

 

He ends up taking you to his apartment and nat sends you both a text in the group chat. Bucky’s the one that reads it out loud as the elevator opens up to his floor.

“Nat just texted me that’s she’ll be here soon.”

Bucky unlocks his front door and when you step in you go straight to his window, your hand on the glass like a little girl. He smiles at you as he places the keys down on the foyer table. While you looked out, he went to the kitchen and poured you both a glass of Champagne.

You always got so excited at views, it was like you enjoyed the fear of being so high up from the ground and admiring the city lights that bounced off your gorgeous skin. You were so innocent and sweet and you would fit so well living here. If only you didn’t have to keep driving an hour every time just to see him.

“I never get sick of this view.” You loved how the cars looked like little ants down below.

“Look at you, miss _I-love-upstate-New-York-and-cows-and-farmlands_.”

“Shut up, dumbass. It’s grown on me.”

You looked adorable holding your heels in your hand and your dirty brown feet against his five hundred thousand wood flooring and there’s a tightness in his chest.

He doesn’t catch himself before it slips out.

“Yeah, well you’ve grown on her too.”

You turn around and you see him giving you a glass of champagne, a look in his eyes that you can’t recognize.

That look doesn’t falter as he continues to give you _that_ look.

“It looks good on you.”

You realize he’s talking about the city skyline right behind you. His eyes drift over your dress and then your dirty feet. He takes a sip of his champagne, swallowing thickly.

“Why don’t you move out here?”

For a second you pray silently that maybe he’s going to offer you something. Not a gift like your sister, but maybe some kind of deal. Your heart was in New York now. Being here, being here with him…with your friends, it made you want to be here all the time.

“Like I could afford it.”

You say nervously, hopeful.

But his eyes are blank now, the moment gone.

“Suit yourself.” You face falls at his answer. You don’t know why but you expected a different answer. Don’t lie to yourself, you knew exactly the answered you wanted.

But of course, he wouldn’t do that. But that’s okay, you guess. You take the glass of champagne from him and cross one your arms across your waist mumbling a thank you.

“I saw you talking to Steve at the party. How’s that going by the way?” 

“Steve’s great. But I’m not ready yet.”

He nods understanding.

You realize you never told your best friend what had happened months ago, and you feel guilty for it now. He had looked over at you and Steve at the party and you didn’t even know.

You clear your throat.

“He kissed me.”

Emotions flicker across his face. Surprise, amusement, shock, and something else. He perks a brow at you.

“What?” He says lowly.

“Yeah,” You don’t know why you feel it’s important to tell him and why it feels this serious. It terrifies the shit out of you. The tension between you both is thick as he continues to stare at you, “Not tonight, on New Years actually.”

You take a sip of your drink nervously, looking away from his gaze.

“Wow. How did that, uh, how’d you feel, ya know, after?”

You genuinely think about it for a second, and it that second you realize that Steve isn’t what you wanted anymore. You think about the kiss and you’re honest about it as you respond.

“It felt nice. It felt good. It felt,” Your eyes flicker up to his and the tension grew immensely. The way he looked as he waited for your answer made it obvious that he really wanted to know. And while you’re both looking at each other you think about the last year and a half and how your friendship grew and how much you both changed. You think about the sweet memories you both shared together and how one-day things ended up taking a turn that made it scary and wrong.

Neither of you remembers when it was, but it wasn’t too long ago. It was as if one day you couldn’t share drinks anymore, you couldn’t share snacks, you couldn’t text each other, you couldn’t go on road trips anymore. One day, it all changed and it all stopped.

Steve was the exact opposite. Bucky watches you intently as he waits for you. You look down at his own lips and then back at his eyes.

“It felt safe. Easy.”

“Is that what you want?” His voice is a low rumble.

“I want it to be right.”

You see him swallow and then he turns away from you sharply, drinking down the rest of the champagne.

You’re about to ask him if there’s something you both should talk about when there’s a knock at the door. You stare at the back of his head in a heavy daze as he places the glass on the foyer table and lets Nat in.

Your heart hammered away inside your chest as you watched him. You don’t know what was happening, and you wanted to know badly because you no longer knew how to even act around him. Neither of you did.

“Hey, guys. I’m sorry if it’s going to spoil the after-party but my friend asked me to watch her baby for a couple of hours. The last-minute trip to Monte Carlo.”

He gives Nat a tight hug and then he’s carrying something in his arms as he turns around.

“Yeah, no problem, I missed this little boy.” Bucky says in an adorable baby voice as he squeezes the little baby’s nose, “Oh my god, you are _so cute_.”

The baby grabs Bucky’s pointer finger with his tiny hand and your heart melts instantly.

Your heart flutters and you recognize the emotion that follows that flutter - fear.

That’s what you feel because once it hits you what it was that was happening, you realized you were eternally and completely _fucked._

* * *

 _All I know you taught me_  
_You're my all and more_


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve confronts Bucky about his feelings for you. You come to terms with your own feelings. Drama ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> very mild sexual content in the intro. implied sex and then oral sex. language.

 

 

_settle down with me_  
_cover me up_  
_cuddle me in_

_lie down with me_  
_and hold me in your arms_

* * *

 

Paris, _France_

__

She doesn’t know what happened to her, maybe it was around the time her parents died or maybe it was the distance between her and her old life which she detested that pushed her over the edge.

She didn’t want to be where she was; she didn’t want to be in this situation, but she had gotten herself here.

When she met Bucky she didn’t expect to fall for him as fast as she did.

She did lie to him when she made it seem like she had no idea who he was. She had lied because she didn’t want him to think that the only reason she was into him was because of the money - he had to give her a chance. And that’s exactly what he did.

But she had fooled herself into thinking she wasn’t only in it for the money. Truth is, at first she _wasn’t_ , but after she was offered the job and after her first paycheck, she realized that this was the real-life she wanted and she would do in all her willpower to keep it. Even if it meant hurting Bucky by going the extra mile.

It had reached a point where she had let the money, and the good things she was getting, blur her vision of what she _really_ had wanted.

But one thing was for sure, she would do anything possible to keep what she was gaining but she could not lose Bucky. It just pained her when she thought that maybe her heart wasn’t in it as much.

She felt cold and calculating for it. She had gotten over him after he had ended up being the opposite of what she thought he was but ultimately she was stuck. She couldn’t leave now, because everything else that came with him, she wanted.

She thought Bucky was still great in bed, a great guy, and he’d make a great family man because he was extremely loyal. But that fire she once felt when she dated him the first few months was now gone.

Because of the amount of respect she still had for the Barnes’ family, she would continue to make these sacrifices - continue to hurt him and have a secret life - so he could become even more successful. And for that, he would always thank her, and she would be at his side during his successes.

She sits on the edge of the bed, the Eiffel Tower visible through the window behind her as she pulls up the black stockings up her legs. She always felt a little disgusted with herself after nights like these which were now a regular, but it paid the bills and it signed contracts that would earn them millions.

Her hair was a mess and her chest was still bare and hot from her activities of the past few hours. She pulls her hair to the side as she bends down to get her _Vera Wang_ bra off the floor.

She feels a hand on her back.

“Leaving so soon?”

The man asks in a taunting tone.

Ashlyn masks her annoyed grimace with a smile and turns sharply around to face Mr. Stark.

She crawls up the bed as his hands go to her waist and she kisses him with tongue and teeth.

“I hope not, especially if you’re still expecting me to sign over forty-five percent of the agreements, miss y/l/n.”

Ashlyn bites her lips and she gives him a sexy smolder as her finger drags down his bare chest. Tony moans under her touch.

“Of course not, I’m just going to send a quick text out to my sister.” She lies.

“Mmmm. Don’t keep me waiting too long, or it’ll be forty. And Mr. Barnes won’t be too happy with that now, will he?”

Ashlyn gives him a side smile, but inside she was fuming. She thought the ten orgasms she’d given him were enough.

She pulls herself off Tony’s chest and quickly grabs her phone that had slid off the bed and onto the floor.

She types out a quick message to Mr. Barnes:

**Might be a little bit longer. S is being greedy and we need that 45. Text you when he’s done with me.**

It isn’t until a few minutes later when she’s got Tony’s dick in her mouth and he’s grunting while his hands are in her hair that her phone vibrates with a reply.

**My good girl.**

* * *

New York City, _New York_ ****

You’re leaving Bucky’s apartment when you run into broad shoulders and a strong chest. You look up at the figure and instantly giggle when his arms hold you steady in place.

He looks between you and Bucky questionably. 

“Slow down there, Y/N.”

“Sorry, Steve. I gotta go before I miss the last train out. See ya!” You wave him bye as he looks at you running down the hall over his shoulder. 

With a shake of his head, Steve walks into Bucky’s apartment and closes the door behind him. He sees Bucky sitting on the couch typing away on his laptop. 

Bucky peers up at him and gives him a half-smile. His eyes look tired, heavy and dark bags underneath them. 

It was obvious he had been in that same position for a long time. It would only be down to months or weeks now until Bucky had the whole control of a multi-million dollar company. 

Steve walks around the couch and puts his hands on Bucky’s shoulders, giving it a squeeze.

“Hey, man,” Bucky says.

“Hey to you too. How’s it coming along?" 

“Just briefing on the happenings. Getting kind of nervous, ya know?”Bucky says, gesturing wildly with one hand as the other continued to move over the course of what looked like a pie chart. 

Steve couldn’t get your face out of his head. Ever since your talk at the birthday party, you hadn’t even spoken a word to him. When he had texted you and you had been more than comfortable with your responses. In a way, he almost felt friend-zoned and it hurt his feelings. 

He had grown with expectations of your feelings for so long now and for you to act like nothing was there anymore made him feel like it was all a waste. He felt led on by you.

He didn’t know what was going on in your head.

He’s not going to deny how close you and Bucky have gotten either. Sure, he knew you two were best friends, but for some reason, your closeness made him insanely jealous. He would hate how on your road trips you and Bucky would belch out the chorus of a song together, completely zoning Steve out, not even noticing how quiet he’d got. 

He hated those moments where he felt like he was being a damn third wheel.

It was messed up for you both to be acting this way together- it was **wrong.**

Steve knew very well that you definitely shouldn’t act the way you do with Bucky and you shouldn’t constantly be at his apartment like this.

But he would never tell you because he didn’t want to come off as controlling. It’s not like he had any right to anyway, you weren’t his. But he would tell Bucky because he was his best friend.

Steve stares back at the door in which you just left, a longing look in his eyes. You had looked beautiful tonight like you had been laughing.

The jealousy burns in his chest. 

“So,” he gave Bucky a tighter squeeze, “You and Y/N coming up with more evil pranks?”

Bucky lets out a chuckle.

“She was helping me with some ideas for when I take charge. She’s more practical than she looks.”

Steve snarls under his breath. It’s not like he even had the opportunity to know, Bucky took all her time up for him to have the chance to.

“Shouldn’t Ashlyn be helping you with that? The one that actually works for you?”

Bucky’s silent for a moment as his typing comes to a halt. Like nothing even happened, he quickly returns to typing away.

“She’s on another one of those business trips, doing whatever the hell it is I can’t know about.” 

Steve frowns. He didn’t know about this. 

“Wait, what?”

“I don’t know, we’re just going through a rough patch is all.”

“Have you spoken to her about it?”

“Trust me, I have. I just gotta let this blow over.” 

Steve nods understandingly. He goes around the couch and sits in the love seat on Bucky’s left.

Steve stares at Bucky’s intensity as he works on his computer and it bothers him. Maybe it was the jealousy, but part of him also knew it was the reasoning behind what was clearly happening in front of everyone’s eyes. 

It was wrong.

“Bucky, we need to talk.”

“Sure, what's up?” Bucky says, not even looking up from his laptop.

“Please, could you just put that aside for one second? I don’t want to be an ass.”

Bucky looks up at Steve with a perked brow. Steve Rogers never cursed. This was new and was certainly serious. Bucky nods slowly and sets his computer aside but not closing. 

“Sorry, man. Go ahead.”

Steve takes a deep breath and moves up closer to the edge of his seat.

“It’s about me and Y/N.”

Something flickers in Bucky’s eyes and it makes Steve frown. It wasn’t an emotion he wanted from Bucky, it was the one he least wanted to see- jealousy.

It’s obvious this topic made him upset, but he masks it up quickly.

“Yeah, she told me,” He says in a monotone.Steve continues staring at him in interest and reluctantly because no way could this actually be happening, “glad you finally had the balls to do it. Took you long enough.”

The words are playful but his tone and face aren’t.

Steve couldn’t believe that his gut was right; Bucky liked y/n.

This makes him furious. 

“Bucky.” Steves tone is serious and it makes Bucky’s emotion change to nervous for a split second, but he recovers fast, “She shouldn’t be here all the time.”

Bucky narrows his eyes at him, an uncomfortable laugh comes out. He feels his palm sweating as he rubs it up and now his leg nervously.  
  
“What are you talking about?”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about. You and Y/N.” Bucky gulps, “You know I can read you like a book. I’ve known you since I was twelve.”

Bucky looks down at his lap, “Do you seriously think something good is going to come out of this, Bucky?”

“We’re not doing anything, Steve. She’s my friend.” He retaliates quickly.

“Face the facts, Bucky. You guys got close, too close. You need to take a step back. It’s inappropriate.”

Suddenly, Bucky’s angry.

“Is this because of you and her? Steve I’m not going to pull her from you, that’s not my say, you two can do whatever the hell you want.”

“Really? And you wouldn’t care?”

Bucky licks his lips and then moves up closer to Steve, not losing eye contact. His mouth is in a straight line.

“No. I have a girlfriend.”  
  
“Yes. Yes, you do, and it’s her _sister_. Do you realize how bad this is?” Bucky runs a hand through his hair, “Look, I get you’re both going through a rough time right now, you and Ashlyn, but don’t do this.”

“Steve, listen to me.” Bucky figured he might as well be honest now. No point in lying anymore. 

“Yes, I did notice that some things started to brew between me and y/n, but I’ve cut back from it. Plus it's not mutual. So what, I have a small crush on her? She’s tiny and adorable. It’s completely innocent, nothing serious. We are not going to cross that line. I would never do that.”

Steve stares at Bucky’s face for a second, looking for any sign of doubt or reluctance but he doesn’t see any. 

Steve feels relived and he lets out a sigh, “Okay.”

Bucky takes in a deep breath and looks away and laughs nervously, “Alright, now that _that_ talk is over.” 

Bucky gets off the couch and walks over to his window. He stares out the scenery and many emotions take over his heart in that instance.

He didn’t mean to, he really didn’t, but he had grown to admire you to a point where if he wasn’t careful he knew he could fall in love with you.

The way you carried yourself, you were so selfless and innocent but also had so much free will and spirit.

Up until four months ago, he wasn’t too sure, but after he saw you standing in his living room the way you had, your heels - that he knew you worked two weeks for to buy - in your tiny little hand, and your small dirty feet on the ground, the nail polish on the toes scratching off. 

You had looked beautiful. And he hated the thought that had entered his mind, he wanted to fuck himself over for thinking it, but he had thought it. 

_If only I had met you first._

“You need to cut her out,” Steve says from the chair. 

“What?” 

 _I know_ Bucky thinks. Bucky heard him loud and clear, and he knew he was right, but he didn’t want to.

“Not forever, just put a wall there. And I mean this as a friend and from Ashlyn’s perspective, not someone who is interested in Y/N. Bucky this is really bad if you let it go on.”

Steve was right, this couldn’t go on. If it did, Bucky would do something he would soon regret.

“Okay.”

Steve’s surprised but how quickly he agreed to the idea.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’ll cut her out. Or at least push her away.”

He had to because he cared about her.

* * *

 

_Barnes' Enterprises, New York_

“Nat, I need to speak to you, NOW.”

Nat looks up from her desk, worry all over her face.

“Is everything okay?”

You shake your head quickly back and forth.

“No, Nat. It’s not.”

You run-up to the chair that’s in front of her desk and sits in it quickly.

The emotions are running high in your blood when you look up at her. She sees the fear in your eyes and it scares her. 

“You were right.” You whisper. You feel the tears in your voice as you look away from her and towards the wall. You take in a deep breath, feeling the hot tears brewing inside of your skull, “ _You were right, Nat._ ”

It doesn’t take much for Nat to know what you are talking about. She knew about yours and Bucky’s growing friendship and judging by the time and day and the fact that you were in the city made it clear that you were just with him.

Nat groans, banging her wrist repeatedly against her forehead.

“I knew it. I knew it, _I knew it,”_ you give her a pleading look, “I warned you.”

“That was almost two years ago, Nat.”

“But still, it still applies." 

You sulk in your seat, running your hands down your face as you tried to calm yourself down. 

Nat was right, she had warned you. She told you to be careful with Bucky because he had tendencies of becoming close with girls he wasn’t interested in.

She warned you that he was super sweet and had a bad habit of giving girls the wrong impression.

You had been so careful the last almost two years that you did not see this coming. You were starting to fall for your best friend and nothing could happen, he wasn’t even interested in you, to begin with anyway. He just came off that way; as flirty and over caring.

Nat had been right. Bucky had been crawling into your heart this entire time and you had no idea. The worst part was now you had to find a way out. If even Ashlyn found out you would be screwed and Bucky certainly could not find out.

You didn’t want to ruin your friendship.

You would have to take certain measures, but cutting him out would never be one of them. You don’t know what you would ever do without him.

“What the hell do I do?” You ask desperately.

You and Nat sit in silence for a few minutes that consisted of you trying to control your breathing and Nat saying _I knew this would happen_ and _I told you to be careful_ over and over.

Nat takes a deep breath and leans over her desk, her hands crossed on it as she stares you, “Look, this is what you’ll do.”

“You need to find someone. At least just go on one date so you can distract yourself. Go out there. Think about it, Bucky is the only male you’ve hung out with closely the last few months. You need another man to do that with. Maybe you’re just confused.”

You think about her words for a second and realized she probably had a point. You had been spending so much time with Bucky that maybe it wasn’t him that you were having feelings for, maybe it was the fact that he was the only male you’ve been around. You haven’t dated in nearly two years, it could be a dry spell.

You nod quickly as you stand up and Nat watches you curiously.

“Ok. Yep, you’re right. I need to find a cute guy and just ask him out.”

You don’t wait another second before you’re leaving Nat’s office. You were on a mission to find a cute guy. Even if it weren’t a relationship, you needed to go on a date, you needed to spend time with someone that wasn’t Bucky.

As if on cue, as you’re closing Nat’s door and turning around to leave down the hallway, you bump into someone- hard.

You stare down at the guy in shock as he’s crouching down to pick up his papers that you made him drop. 

“Oh, my gosh.” You crouch down in front of him to help him, “I am so very sorry.”

“It’s not a problem at all,” he says sincerely, a British accent on his tongue that makes you turn to jelly.

You look up at him as you hand him his papers and he’s giving you a small but shy smile.

He was beautiful and you felt your breath catch in your throat as you mumbled a low hi. 

“Hey,” he says back, his smile growing **wider** , “Uhm, I’m Loki.” He introduces himself with his hand stretched out.

You thank the heavens for this glorious opportunity and you shake his hand.

“I’m Y/N.” 

“Pleased to meet you, Y/N.”

* * *

_Upstate New York_

 

_(you wanna be loved_

_this feels like falling in love)_

Your encounter with Loki had left you excited and looking forward to this Friday.

After you helped him walk his paperwork down the hall to his office, and after you both got to know each other a little bit more, he asked you if you wanted to grab some dinner with him Friday night.

Without a second thought, you said yes and swapped phone numbers. Not only was this a social experiment to move on from your inappropriate crush, but Loki was genuinely sweet and hot. You were _definitely_ excited.

You even sent a text out to Nat letting her know that the plan is moving successfully.

She was more than proud of that, she was relieved.

Your train drops you off into town a quarter to nine and you drive home anxiously.

You’ve just slid your PJ bottoms on when you hear a vibrating sound coming from your nightstand. You look over to see your phone lit up with the lets BUCKY at the top.

You frown as you slide it open to answer. Bucky never calls.

“Hey, butt face. I caught the train if that’s what you are so worried about. I did not miss it like last time.” You say laughing.

The silence on the other end, except for his breathing, makes you instantly worried. Something was wrong. Your smile slides off your face.  
  
You sit down on the edge of your bed, “Hey, is everything okay?”

“Look, Y/N,” he sighs on the other end and you frown. His tone wasn’t the usual happy and playful one that he used, “We gotta, we can’t…”

More silence and it’s overbearing to you. You were becoming more worried by the second and you couldn’t take it.

You even for a second maybe thought he was calling to let you know that he felt the same, and maybe you two could figure this whole thing out together.

Your heart swells at the thought.

“Bucky, just say it.”

“We can’t spend time together anymore. I have to push you away, Y/N.”

Your heart falls into your stomach and your body goes numb.

“What are you talking about?” You whisper so quietly you’re surprised he hears you on the other end.

This couldn’t be happening. 

“Ashlyn is supposed to be my best friend. Not you.”

The words cut you the core and you feel hot and heavy tears behind your eyelids.

What were you thinking, thinking that he liked you?

You take a deep breath and sniff harshly, trying to not lose it over the phone. Bucky had never seen you cry and he wasn’t about to now, especially when he was telling you he didn’t want to be your best friend anymore. 

“So I can’t talk to you anymore?” You snarl.

A beat of silence.  
  
“No, we can talk, we just have to cut back a lot. Please understand. 

You see red and you feel it all over your body. You felt broken.

“Fine. We won’t be best friends anymore, whatever.”

With that you hung up, tears finally trickling out of your eyes.

* * *

  
_falling in love_  
_we're falling in love_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say thank you all so much to who always leave me such lovely reviews (you know who you are) You have no idea how much it makes me feel like we're friends and that I can entertain you this much with this story. I love you guys so much, you have no idea. And I always remember each of your names. I hope you all have a blessed day and that I was able to satisfy your needs with this chapter hahahaha let me know if theres anything I should do different or what I can improve in. ALSO. If you notice, for each chapter I include different songs that I imagine playing within the scenes. I had been keeping track of a playlist I had made on youtube, if you want me to continue it and keep a place just with the songs for you guys please let me know! : D


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit is getting real. I am so sorry. Warnings: SMUT.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am absolutely grateful for the amount of gratitude that I received in the last chapter. I got 64 reviews, in one chapter. I was blown away and overwhelmed by how loving you all are. Thank you so much. And I am so happy you love this story. Thank you so so much. Also, the song in this chapter is called Come Away With me by Norah Jones. It's beautiful and I guarantee you, I will break your fucking heart if you listen to it and keep it in mind while reading "THE SCENE". I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors -> (more notes in ending note)

_Come away with me in the night_

* * *

 

After that horrendous phone call, you had spent that whole night crying. Any possibility of why Bucky would do such a thing crossed through your mind as you laid wide awake into the early hours.

 

After many reasons came and went through your mind, you decided not to pry on it; as it was only making you feel worst. The feeling that grew within your chest as you replayed his words was becoming more unbearable.

 

Eventually, once you were into your fifth episode of How I Met Your Mother _and_ your second bag on Lays potato chips, you came to terms that you weren’t as special to Bucky as he was to you. That was the bottom line.

 

Everyone had been telling you for a while and you should have listened, you should have been careful from the beginning. But even if you were, to be honest with yourself, it’s not like you even expected to develop feelings for Bucky. It was innocent from the start, and there was never any alternative intentions behind anything you ever did.

 

It snuck up on you.

 

You even considered that maybe you were somehow coming off strong to him without realizing it and it scared him off.

 

Its been three weeks since that day and it was blatantly obvious that Bucky decided to distance himself from you. That’s not including his very blunt text inviting you to his birthday dinner.

 

Thankfully, that’s exactly how long it took for you to finally become comfortable with having someone else to lean your head on. It took time, but slowly you were able to think about him less and less.

 

It was more when you closed your eyes at night, that you would replay Bucky’s words in your head over again. Yes, it would _still_ break your heart.

 

Your first date with Loki had gone smoothly. You had met him at Harold Square and he had worn a nice suit and tie while you wore a little black dress that fell just below your knees, accompanied by a pair of short heels.

 

You both went to some little restaurant in the village

 

It was perfect.

 

He was a complete gentleman and made you smile and laugh. If it wasn’t enough that he was extremely kind and respectful, he also wouldn’t hesitate to hold your hand across the table and tell you you were beautiful.

 

You would smile painfully, trying not to think about how on the walk over you both walked by a little cafe that Bucky had once introduced you to. You hadn’t been to that cafe since he cut you off.

 

 

Loki was the embodiment of a perfect man. Sure, he was no Steve Rogers in the chivalry sense, but he was a _man_ , the exact thing that you needed at that moment. There was some underlying _mischievousness_ to him that you couldn’t deny, but that only made him oh the more desirable to you. You were definitely happy about that.

 

You should be interested in him- by his level of perfectness - but for some reason, you couldn’t allow your heart to open up to him. What you hated the most was that you knew why you couldn’t, no matter how hard you tried.

 

He would laugh in front of you, and you would fake one back. It hurt for you to admit that the only person you could think was Bucky while you sat across from him.

 

Why couldn’t you get him out of your mind?

 

You couldn’t help but glance down at your phone every so often, waiting for that random silly text he would always send, but you knew you wouldn’t get one ever again.

 

You chewed on your delicious steak and steamed vegetables, faking a smile as you did so.

 

 _If it were you and Bucky, he would take you to a McDonalds or Applebees or even-_ there’s a pang in your chest as the words resonate in your head and you stop yourself before you could go any further.

 

“You okay?” Loki had asked you mid-way through dinner.

 

“Huh?” You asked a bit lost, your eyes glossed over.

 

He gave you a funny look between amused and curiosity.

 

“I just asked if you wanted to try their pinot noir. I’ve heard its quite delightful.”

 

You smile softly.

 

“Yea, sure.”

 

That night he dropped you off at the train station and you headed back home. He had offered to drive you home so you wouldn’t have to take the train, but you had a monthly paid pass anyway, so you might as well put it to use.

 

There honestly wasn’t much of a reason anymore for you to spend much of your time in the city. You feel your throat hurt when you realize that the only reason you ever did was because of _him._

 

He was the reason you loved New York. _He_ was New York.

 

Angry at yourself as you walk into your room, you pull your cell out of your bag and text a message to Loki, telling him that you enjoyed your date and that you’d love to go out with him again that Sunday.

 

And that’s how it went, you guys ended up going on five consecutive dates and were now at the phase of _holding hands._ It was simple and timid, but growing nonetheless.

 

Today, you’ve both been officially dating for three weeks.

* * *

 

It was Monday morning and Bucky was exhausted. After Ashlyn had gotten back three weeks ago, they had another argument and if it weren’t for his father standing right next to her and telling him that they _did it, they had doubled all profits_ , Bucky would’ve called it off then and there.

 

But Ashlyn had smiled at him with tears in her eyes and walked up to him, wrapping her arms around his neck. He stood still as he reluctantly hugged her back.

 

He knew that it wouldn’t take long before she would go again and his heart couldn’t take it. There was something she wasn’t telling him, he knew, but he didn’t know what it was.

 

He felt like she didn’t even love him as much anymore. He considered the possibility that maybe you were right, that Ashlyn was a changed person, but part of him holding on to the past; the past where they were madly in love and there was nothing but happiness.

 

Which is why he told Ashlyn and his father that he was glad everything went smoothly.

 

He gave her a slight smile and then looked over at his quickly deteriorating father.

 

“Just leave a copy of the paperwork on my desk, thanks.” And with that, he walked out.

 

He would sit for hours at his desk trying to make the necessary phone calls to get everything ready for his father’s death, but it was so hard to concentrate.

 

After each phone call, he would rub his forehead stressfully as he thought about you. He thought about how amazing you were, about how simple you were, the way you looked standing in his apartment, how he had grown to like you in a way that he shouldn’t have.

 

Then, he would think about that phone call, and how sad you had sounded on the other end.

 

He knew he had hurt you by breaking up your friendship, but he made the right choice. Ashlyn was his priority, not you. That’s the way it was supposed to be.

 

But as he stared out of his large window that overlooked the city, he wondered if it was worth it anymore.

 

Ashlyn had left on another trip this weekend, _the last one_ , she had said.

 

And he missed _you_.

 

As he looked down at your name in his phone, he no longer knew what was the right choice and it made him feel awful. He felt awful because the choice he wanted to make wasn’t the one he should.

 

With a sigh and a curse, he throws his cell phone onto his desk and walks out of his office.

 

He’s making his way down the hall, taking a quick scan to make sure everyone was doing what they were supposed to when he decides to step into the break room for some crap tasing coffee.

 

He hadn’t had time to stop by his favorite cafe this morning and he was getting so cranky that he was even pissing himself off. Truth is, he couldn’t go to that cafe anymore. It reminded him of you.

 

He walks in and the smell of the coffee grinder makes him smile in contentment. He moans in delight as he walks over to the small counter to grab his own mug. He chooses the one that has some funny saying on it.

 

Crap coffee is better than no coffee.

 

He’s halfway through pouring his cream in when he feels two arms hug him from the back.

 

Startled, he jumps up. But when he fully turns around and sees who it is, he gives her a half-smile.

 

“You’re back.”

 

“I am,” Ashlyn says smiling up at him brightly.

 

Bucky ignores the mug on the counter and turns around to give Ashlyn his full attention.

 

“How was Paris?” He asks rubbing her arm. He tries to find some kind of deception in her eyes, some kind of answer.

 

Instead, they are lined with small tears and sincerity.

 

“It was good. I missed you.”

 

Bucky raises a brow, not expecting that response. They had been so cold with each other lately that that had been the first term of endearment used between them in a while.

 

“I doubt it.”

 

It slips out before he can control it.

 

Ashlyn's face falls as she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, “Look, Bucky. I wanted to apologize.”

 

His eyes furrowed in confusion. 

_Now she wants to do this?_

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah, look, I never should have denied taking you with me to these trips. This is your company and nothing should be hidden from you. I know how it might make you think, and it’s clearly been tearing us apart.”

 

She’s looking up at him with pleading eyes and he can tell that her apology is sincere.

 

He sighs, giving in.

 

“It terrified me, knowing you were out there. And it’s not that I didn’t trust you, I just-“

 

She smiles softly as she brings her hand to hold the side of his face.

 

“I know. But I won’t go anymore. If I do, I won’t go without you. This is about us now.”

 

It was like a huge weight was lifted off his chest and he lets out a whimper he didn’t know he was holding. He leans in and gives her a tight hug.

 

“You have no idea how much that relieves me. I felt like we were drifting apart. Like we don’t spend enough time together anymore.”

 

By Ashlyn pushing him away, Bucky had felt like he was becoming close to y/n. He was looking for comfort in someone else because Ashlyn was never there anymore.

 

“I completely agree. Which is why I’m not gonna do that anymore.”

 

And she didn’t have to. She won Hank over and forty-five percent of all the Stark’s proceeds.

 

Her job there was complete, “I want to stay here, with you.”

 

Bucky smiles wide. It was like he was given another chance at becoming close with his girlfriend again and maybe his intense feelings for y/n would go away.

 

Maybe they weren’t even real, to begin with, he thinks.

 

He takes her hand tightly in his.

 

“Alright. Do you want to come over tonight? I can make us a nice dinner.”

 

She smiles softly, squeezing his hand.

“I’d love that.”

 

Bucky’s mood improved immensely after Ashlyn’s return. It was like everything was going back to the way it was supposed to, and he was relieved to find out that his suspicions were incorrect, and that she would no longer be away. This was their time to shine now.

 

This was the way things were supposed to be. There’s a hop in his walk as he’s walking back from his accountant’s office.

 

He smiles wide when he sees his co-worker coming from the opposite direction, looking just as happy as him.

 

“Hey, Loki. Why are you looking so jumpy?”

 

Loki looks up from the paper in his hand and smirks.

 

“Me? Look at you. I haven’t seen you smile like that in weeks.”

 

Bucky shrugs.

 

“The lady is back.”  
  
Loki nods understandably. He knew Ashlyn was back because you had told him.

 

Bucky nudges him with his arm, “So, tell me, what’s got you cheesin’?”

 

Loki chuckles as he looks down, his cheeks tinted a pink shade.

 

“It’s a girl isn’t it?”

 

Loki’s smile grows wide.

 

“I’m going on another date tonight. I’m hoping this time I can actually make a move.”

 

Bucky smirks.

 

“About time you put out again.”

 

Loki rolls his eyes.

 

“It hasn’t been _that_ long.”

 

Bucky chuckles. Loki’s chuckle dials down.

 

“Well, make sure you use _all_ the moves.” Bucky gives him a wink.

* * *

Today’s date with Loki was different. For one, you were finally starting to feel like you really were his girlfriend and no thought of Bucky had even crossed your mind. You were finally moving on and it felt amazing. 

 

It was obvious that Loki also sensed a change because you were one hundred percent invested in him with all your attention. He knew that previously there had been something clouding your mind, but whatever it was seemed to now be disappearing and he was on cloud nine.

 

You threw your head back as you laughed out loud at another one of his stories.

 

“Thor’s an idiot, trust me when I say no kid has ever freaked out so hard at seeing a damn snake, darling.”

 

Your laughter dwindled to a chuckle as you admired the man in front of you. His British accent was sultry and sexy, and he a sense of humor that left you in tears.

 

You bit your lip as you watched him take a sip of his scotch on the rocks, a smile still lingering on his lips.

 

You bit your bottom lip as you watched him. He peaked a brow at you over his glass.

 

“What is it?”

 

You just shook your head, a smile still on your face, “Nothing, I just,” you tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear as you lean on your elbow. You lean closer into him as he watches you curiously, “you’re adorable.”

 

Loki frowns, almost insulted, “Adorable? I’m no child.”

 

You gave him a playful frown of confusion as you take the glass out of his hand. He watches you in interest.

 

“You’re not?”

 

He tilts his head and his frown starts to becoming an amused smirk.

 

“I’d be very afraid if I found out that all this time you thought you were dating a child, y/n. Might have to report you to the authorities.”

 

You give him that same look he had just give you moments before - curiosity.

 

“Okay, this just got weird fast.”

 

Loki’s the one that laughs out loud this time. He takes the glass out of your hand this time and points a daunting finger in your face, “Next time you take my drink, I’ll punish you for it.”

 

His voice is husky and something changes in the air the moment he says those words. Your smile slides off your face and his pupils darken to almost a black color.

* * *

 

That night, Bucky prepared him and Ashlyn a romantic dinner.

 

They shared everything from the last few weeks (well, almost everything), and they shared a silent apology as they did their best to reconstruct their love.

 

Over her trip, Ashlyn had missed Bucky’s birthday, but she hadn’t forgotten to get him something while she was away.

 

“I just hope you really love it.”

 

Bucky sits across from Ashlyn in his living room. He had set up a cute table. There was a white table cloth laid over it, with two plates and a candle in the middle. The rest of the lights in the apartment was off, but the living room window remained open.

 

There was a sound of fire crackling and rustling of a paper bag that Ashlyn was stretching out to him over the table that read BOSS on it.

 

He gave her an amused look as he took it out of her hand.

 

“Is this what I think it is?”

 

She gave him an excited smile and she bounced her right leg up and down.

 

“It might be.”

 

Bucky sets the bag down in his lap as he looks through the white tissue paper. A big smile pops upon his face when he finds the black folded piece of clothing at the bottom.

 

He pulls it out, excitedly.

 

“You got the bomber?”

 

He looks at the ridiculously expensive jacket in his hand, the jacket he had been obsessing over for the last five months.

 

“Babe, _fuck_ it’s gorgeous.”

 

He lets out a loud chuckle as he sniffs it.

 

“It even smells like how I imagined it would.”

 

“You’re crazy. Try it on, I want to see how it looks on you.”

 

Bucky stands up and quickly slides each arm into the black jacket. He stands up proudly as he tucks on the sides, looking down at himself.

 

“So?”

 

He looks up at Ashlyn for confirmation and she’s staring up at him smiling.

 

“You’re so hot.”

 

Bucky chuckles as his cheeks turn a slight red.

 

He smiles down at his new gift, “Thank you, I love it.”

 _Come away with me on a bus_  
_Come away where they can't tempt us_

  
He hears Ashlyn get up from her chair and make her way towards him. He looks up at her when she places her hand on his chest.

 

It pained her everything that she had done, the guilt starting to eat away at her.

 

She knew she shouldn’t have done it, but she had done it for them. Maybe she could love him again, now that the work was over.

 

He gives her a longing look as the soft piano music played in the back. He swallows down nervously as she looks up at him. They haven’t been this close in proximity in a while.

  
_With their lies_

 

“Ash…”

 

“Happy twenty-eighth birthday, Bucky.” She whispers.

 

She leans up and kisses him softly. She pulls away so quickly that Bucky doesn’t have time to respond to it.

 

“You actually reminded me, I got a package sent to my door. Apparently, it was supposed to be sent to you but you had to sign for it, they included a backup address and it was mine. I didn’t open it.”

 

Bucky’s eyebrow furrow in confusion at the weird change in subject, “A package?”

 

“Yeah. It was the one I brought in with me.”

 

“Oh, I thought that was just a second gift for me.” He adds playfully.

 

“Wow, someone’s humble.”

  
  
“Hey! It’s for my birthday. I’m allowed to not be for one day.”

 _I want to walk with you_  
_On a cloudy day_  
  
Ashlyn laughs as she picks up the medium-sized box and hands it to him. When Bucky takes it from her, he’s surprised to find that it’s not as heavy as it looked. It weighed so light that he figured there was pillow inside of it.

 

Bucky walks over to the couch and easily rips open the box.

 

When he opens the top he sees a little baby blue colored card on the top that reads:

 

_Happy Birthday, Bucky._

 

_y/n_

 

His eyes furrow together. You must’ve mailed this out before he distanced himself from you.

 _In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high_  
_So won't you try to come_

This makes a heavy pang in your chest burn. He feels something else inside as he reads the words over and over again. Honestly, he had thought you had forgotten it was his birthday because you never even sent him a happy birthday text and you didn’t go to this birthday dinner.

 

But he didn’t blame you. He was an ass.

 

It hurts him that this means so much to him because four simple little words should not mean this much (especially from you), but it does.

 

He reluctantly pulls the card off the gift that laid beneath. When he sees what it is, he freezes and her heart skips a beat.

 

It was like the wind was knocked out of him.

 

Overwhelming emotions take a hold of his heart as he stares at the little eyes and the little hands of the plush toy. He feels a tight knot in his throat that won’t give out no matter how hard he tries swallowing. His world stands still, and all he can think about at that moment is **you**.

 

**Because it couldn’t be possible.**

_Come away with me and we'll kiss  
On a mountaintop_

His chest is heavy and he feels his eyes burning as the piano in the background matches the emotions coursing through him. Ashlyn could be trying to talk to him, but he wouldn’t even know because he could care less.

 

Right then, he only wanted one thing and one thing only. It was something that was obvious from the beginning but he couldn’t bring himself to admit.

 _Come away with me_  
_And I'll never stop loving you_

The burning in his chest is continuous as his breathing picks up.

 

He feels admiration, he feels love.

 

He wants to scream and he wants to cry because it’s all so overwhelming for him.

 

And he can’t fucking breathe.

 

“Bucky, what is it?”

 

Reality hits him in that instant and he blinks up at his girlfriend, dazed.

 

She looks concerned and worried.

 

Bucky tries to blink away as much of what he’s feeling as possible before he closes the box and sets it down beside the couch.

 

“Nothing, it’s just something I ordered on amazon. Thanks for bringing it over.”

 

Ashlyn narrows her eyes at him, not buying it one bit. As far as she knew, Bucky wasn’t even expecting a package to begin with. She continues to eye it suspiciously.

 

Bucky stands up exasperated as he runs a hand through his hair. He looks around the room and pulls on his strands, his face looking flushed.

 

He swallows thickly and Ashlyn begins to grow even more worried.

 

“Bucky, what the hell is going on?”

 

As Bucky pulls on his hair and his mind runs at one hundred miles per hour, his eyes meet his car keys and jacket on the island and in that second he knows what he has to do.

 

He’s not thinking anymore, he’s just doing it.

 

He looks over at his girlfriend, “I forgot something at the office. I’ll be back, okay?”

 

He doesn’t give Ashlyn time to respond before he’s out the door.

* * *

  
And I want to wake up with the rain  
_Falling on a tin roof_  
_While I'm safe there in your arms_

You don’t know when he started kissing you or when you even left the restaurant and did you both really drive a little over an hour when you could’ve simply gone to his apartment? 

 

But here you were sitting in Loki’s lap as he sat in the driver’s seat. Your hands racked through his unruly hair as your lips brushed against his in harsh kisses.

 

His grip on your waist was strong as he pulled you against him. His fingertips were likely to leave bruises that would appear later. One of your hands ran the side of his face, down to his jawline, the side of his neck, and down his chest. Your lips left his as they left a trail down his chin and to the side his throat.

 

Loki threw his head back against the seat as he let out a long groan. He felt himself growing harder as your ground yourself against him. He could feel your center perfectly against his crotch because your dress had risen up your thighs and it now laid rolled up onto your hips.

 

You heard him tucking on his belt buckle and his zipper. Looking down, you watched his hand as you continued to move your hips- eager.

 

His breathing was ragged before you took his hands off his jeans and into yours. You kiss him harshly once more, making you both moan loud. The sound of your lips smacking together echoed in the car.

 

This was animalistic and physical. You had been trying so hard for so long to be careful that you forgot how much you love this- how much you love sex.

 

You kissed him for a few more minutes as your tongues danced together, your ass accidentally hitting the horn on the steering wheel at one point.

 

It made you chuckle and he sucked on your tongue.

 

Eventually, you were practically hyperventilating and you both needed to pull away to breathe.

 

Loki looked up at you in awe, his lips red and swollen, his hair poking in every direction and a very evident boner in his jeans.

 

“Wow.”

 

You chuckled as you bit your bottom lip.

 

“As much as I'd love to do this in the car, I have some hella creepy neighbors.”

 

Loki looked out the window at the houses around them. The lights were still on in them letting them know people were still awake and maybe it wasn’t a good idea to do this out here.

 

“Damn. I’ve always wanted to do it in a car.”

 

“While that sounds great, let's just go inside.”

 

Loki agrees and turns off the car. He goes around the car once you step out and he pushes you up against the side of it, kissing you deeply.

 

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”

 

You wish you could say the same.

 

You mask the sudden pain you feel by running your thumb against his bottom lip and looking up into his eyes which held heavy admiration for you.

 

Slowly, you lean in and run your lips against his.

 

You don’t know how he does it, but somehow he’s walked you backwards towards your front porch without his lips leaving yours.

 

He’s got you up against the brick wall of your porch. You feel his dick through his jeans against your pelvis as he grinds up against you and you moan deliciously, bringing your right leg up around his waist. Loki uses that opportunity to raise your dress up once more around your hips.

 

You wanted him to fuck you. It’s been years since you’ve had a good fuck and at that moment it’s all you wanted.

 

You feel the wetness gather in your core as he pulls your other leg around him.

 

It seems to turn you on more when you realize you’re on your front porch and anyone could see you at this point.

 

You hear him push his clothing aside and pull himself out through the opening in his boxers. He bites on your neck and you scream out as he sucks on it afterward.

 

It drives you crazy, and it makes you groan, “Fuck.”

 

You feel him push your underwear to the side and he’s rubbing his tip against your folds.

 

You look down at his ministrations and gasp at the sensations that wreck your body.

 

“Shit.” You whimper as it grazes your clit.

 

“Mmmmm.” He moans in response, his other hand going around to grip your ass. He angles you upward so he can slide himself into you.

 

You reach a hand down to spread your pretty lips to allow him better access.

 

Once he’s completely in you, you throw your head back against the cold bricks, because it’s been so long.

 

You let him fuck you hard on your front porch, you let him breathe against your neck as he says nothing, you allow yourself to just _feel_.

 

You needed to be wrecked and he does so as his hips gain rhythm against yours. His thighs slap against you and the sound is arousing, making you closer to the edge.

 

He lays his forehead against your collarbone as he looks down at where you both meet, ramming into you at a quick speed.

 

Your mouth shapes a perfect “O” as you feel your end approaching and you can tell he’s close too because his breathing is ragged and sharp.

 

A whine escapes his throat, “Y/N.” He whimpers.

 

Your hand finds its way to your clit and you rub yourself quickly as you find your release, cumming around his dick.

 

You feel him swell and empty himself inside of you as he lets out a long grunt, thrusting one last time.

 

Your head feels heavy and you feel dizzy as your vision is pure white. The only thing you can hear in your ears is your blood pumping and a twig breaking.

 

_Wait for what?_

 

It was synced, the way you and Loki both look up towards the same direction, your eyes both still clouded over from a post-orgasm bliss.

 

“Shit.” You hear Loki mumble, quickly setting your down and tucking himself away in embarrassment.

 

What you see leaves you frozen in place and your heart falls so hard deep into your chest you can feel it.

 

Bucky stood there motionless in your front lawn, his hair a mess and his cheeks wet from hot tears.

 

You’re shocked and you feel disgusted, but you’re also confused. It almost felt like a hallucination.

 

You saw his Addams apple bobble as he swallowed down hard and his eyes finally left yours and instead to your messy dress and to the hand that had just been giving yourself pleasure to another man.

 

He doesn’t know how to feel, but whatever it is, he knows he doesn’t deserve to feel it.

 

Obviously, he had someone back at home and so did you, apparently.

 

You’re still confused by his presence.

 

You try your best to swallow down your own tears as you fix your dress. 

 

“Bucky,” his eyes go to Loki who simply gives him a small wave, “What are you doing here?”

 

He was there because he thought you felt the same and he wanted to kiss you. That’s why he was there, he thinks to himself. **He looks down at Loki’s jeans.** But clearly, he was wrong.

 

Bucky’s gaze drifts down towards the grass below him and he clears his throat.

 

“Sorry, um.” His voice cracks slightly.

 

But he doesn’t continue. Instead, stilling avoiding eye contact, he gives them a short gesture with his hand as if saying bye and walks away back towards his parked Honda.

 

You hear the blood gushing once more in your ears as you watch him walk away from you.

* * *

_ To come away with me in the night  
Come away with me _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you guys guess the gift that the reader gave Bucky?  
> -  
> I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for the delay. This took a lot longer than I intended, but I've been going through a tough time these last few weeks and I just did not want to write. I suffer from bad depression and sometimes it's just...really tough. I honestly think that writing this triggers it as well, I kind of use it as a way to express my emotions that I deal with. I've been through a situation similar. so yeah. sorry for the rant lol. I wish this chapter could be better written but I'm just now coming out of my rut and I needed to get something out. I hope you guys liked it. Also. no gifs in this chapter. it was too heartbreaking.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Ashlyn have an intense moment and it drives him into making a radical decisison.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took advantage that I was feeling well still and popped this one out fast for you guys. :) I hope you enjoy this one. this intro scene I ADORED writing.

* * *

_Hey girl, is he everything you wanted in a man?_

 

_New York_ , New York

  
His bedroom was a dark grey, reminiscent of the color of masculinity and raw energy. Each wall was circled by a white pearl molding that lined the ceiling and the floors. On one side of the wall was a dark wood bookcase that was stacked in a disorderly fashion. A mixture of hardback and softback copies lined the shelf. They were many genres, from tales of old veterans to fun recipes and Stephen King novels; entire collections.    

 

On the shelf beneath that, there were three picture frames tilted from the left side that displayed favorite memories. One of them was of him with a great friend of his who had unfortunately lost his life in the war. They both stood together side by side, Bucky’s arm draped tightly around the boy’s shoulder, a huge smile on both their faces. They wore their army uniform and combat boots, and there were worn tires marks in the orange dirt under their feet.

 

The next picture was of him with his parents. His father’s hair had just begun to gray and his mother wore her dyed blonde hair just above her shoulders. It was at an event in Washington DC, and his parents had dragged him along for press sake. He didn’t budge, for he loved his parents with all his heart. It was taken six months before his mother had been diagnosed with Leukemia.

 

The third picture was of Bucky and his mother, months before she was killed. His mother had complained the whole time about how she didn’t look pretty enough to be in a picture and was constantly refusing to be in it. But after much begging, Bucky insisted of wrapping a light red bandana around her bald head, tying it in the back with much care. He had told her she looked beautiful and always would. Eventually, she gave in and agreed to the picture, Bucky kissing her left cheek as the click went off.

 

The last two bottom shelvings were decorated with random knick-knacks - three storage boxes that portrayed as novels laid on top of each other, two bookends in the shape of a J and the other a B, and at last a little succulent plant to the far right corner. On the top of the bookshelf laid a blue Yankee baseball hat.

 

The walls were bare except for two framed black and white paintings that hung on the same wall as the bookshelf, side by side. It was an abstract picture, scattered black and white lines. It brought the dark grey of the wall and the crown moldings together beautifully.

 

On the other side of the room were two large black doors that slid open to reveal a walk-in closet, but they were closed. On the third wall was a large arched window that looked out into downtown Manhattan, the freedom tower standing tall and proud overlooking the harbor.

 

Across from the window was a king-sized worth bed. The bedding consisted of a dark grey bed sheet that matched the pillowcases and the walls, a heavy white comforter thrown over it and then over that a dark grey throw over the end of the bed. The headboard was only slightly taller than the pillow, a black color that matched the wooden support of the bed.

 

The smell enveloped her like a hug as Ashlyn sat on the windowsill up against the cold glass. His bedroom smelled like him: delicious and clean like vanilla and expensive cologne, a drop of orange somewhere in between.

 

She looks around in a daze, memories of what had happened in these walls engulfing her emotions. She swallows thickly as her brows knit together in shame.

 

A blur compromised her vision as she started to understand what it was that she had been doing the last few months.

 

The sexual encounters that had played part in obtaining part of a company’s willpower in order to grow financially, to lying to the man she once loved but had been lying to from the beginning.

 

It pains her from within to realize that she didn’t realize she didn’t want her relationship with him compromised until he was no longer within her reach. She cursed herself for becoming the woman she had, she hated that she knew he deserved better. She wanted to tell him the truth and come clean, probably have a clean start, and she knew it was selfish of her to want it all.

 

To her own bewilderment, it hit her in that instance that she needed to stay here and she needed to make him stay. She felt the jealousy consume her body as she saw her boyfriend run off to somewhere that wasn’t where he said he was going. He didn’t have to tell her for her to know he was lying.

 

She had been the one to grow distant by being away for so long, and by doing that he had looked for comfort in another, whoever the hell it might even be.

 

She wanted it to be right again, she wanted to _belong_ here again. She had messed up and they both knew it. She couldn’t help who she was or the person she had become, but she would better herself to love him again, to win his heart over one more time.

 

If you were to ask her if she had eyed that box with hatred and bad intentions, she would lie and say no. Though she wanted to burn it with the heat of a thousand suns, she had refused to even step near it, as if it would burn her from the inside out.

 

She had sat on his couch emotionless for about a half-hour, hands trembling as she sent him text after text about his whereabouts. Her thumb shook uncontrollably as she eyed the seven bubbles that reminded unanswered. Swallowing thickly, trying to get the image of him with another woman out of her head, as if on autopilot, her body had taken her into his bedroom.

 

She had eyed his belongings with a feeling of betrayal and hurt. He was supposed to love _her._

 

She doesn’t know how or when it happened, but his lamp had found its way shattered on the ground, and her throat had become raw from unstoppable tears.

 

She had to put an end to this. Even if it meant she had to beg. It scared her that she didn’t even really know anything yet- that this wall all based off guessing. It was from a gut feeling and she was seething. The thought of him with another woman made her see red.

 

_He was hers._

 

Another hour goes past and it was now a quarter to eleven. He still hadn’t called or texted her back.

 

Her body began to shake abnormally as she crouched down to the floor, picking at the wooden crevices.

 

_He had left her behind._

 

She replays the look on his face when he had walked over to his car keys (she hated that damn car, he was worth so much better than that. _Stupid fucker.)_ He looked broken and distant as if what he was feeling wasn’t something that was in the room; it was irrelevant to her.

 

Bucky had to forgive her, he had to love her again.

 

She had to apologize for not being there because no one else could win but her.

 

She looks up from the floor, her breathing ragged as she sees the screen of her iPhone across the room. When had she thrown it?

 

The screen remained black and dark, a sign of no notifications.

 

Another soft cry racks through her as she hears the sound of the jingle of keys and then the sound of footsteps creaking towards her direction.

  
_You know I gave you the world_  
_You had me in the palm of your hand_

Her head snaps up as a heavy breath escapes her heavy lungs when she sees a shadow in her doorway.

 

_He had come back._

 

Her breath catches and it hitches audibly when she sees his face. Her face contours into a painful expression as her fingertips grip her thighs.

 

_You left._

 

His own appearance leaves her distraught and curious. It was obvious he had been crying judging by his bloodshot eyes and heavy licked lips. His hair was in a disarray, most likely pulled from a heavy meltdown.

 

She wonders why he was in that situation. Had he given up and come back to her? Did he do something he regrets? Was he sorry? Did he forgive her?

 

Bucky’s eyes were blank as he stared at Ashlyn. His chin was high and his breathing was sharp, still trying to catch his own breath. He looked numb as he looked at his girlfriend, taking in her desperate position.

 

_You left me._

 

_What happened to us?_

 

_Please._

 

 _I’m so sorry._

 

Bucky knows just by looking at her and by the lamp next to his bed that she knew he had run after another woman.

 _So why your love went away_  
_I just can't seem to understand_

But she didn’t know who. The reminder of **you** sent a heavy jolt through his heart.

 

A whimper leaves Ashlyn’s throat as they both share an uncomfortable silence of pain, torture, and unspoken broken words.

 

They had both messed up, and it was her fault.

 

 **She wanted to love him again, she did.** Her eyes would say.

 

Bucky remains frozen in his spot as Ashlyn moves from the window and closer to where he’s standing. She crawls across the floor until she’s in front of him and she stares up at him, pleading.

 

Bucky swallows as he feels the immense guilt. He sees the pain in her eyes like she knew that he was moving on from her.

 

He wanted to cry because he loved you and you had been with another man. He had sacrificed his relationship to run after you. He had _left her behind_ to go after you, he was going to kiss you and maybe finally clear the air.

 

It was wrong. He had made a huge unfaithful mistake. He couldn’t believe he was about to cheat.

 

His eyes close tightly together as the image of you wrapped around Loki plays in his mind. The way your hands were in his hair, your legs around his waist. _Please god no._ he had said as he was walking up to your house, not wanting to believe what he was so clearly seeing with his eyes.

 

_Why would you do that?_

 

There’s a sound of heavy breathing and sniffing, coming from both of you, in the bedroom.

 

You didn’t feel the same. He would never judge you for what you did with Loki, you had every right to. Part of him was even happy that you were finally opening up to love again.

 

You were moving on, and maybe you had to, too. But it still doesn’t make sense to him. What was the point of you hating Ashlyn so much? What was the point of everything else you both did that was obviously trespassing the just friend's zone?

 

He had never been so confused in his life.

 

Bucky looks down once more and Ashlyn’s eyes are red, desperate.

 

A sob escapes Bucky’s throat and he shakes his head.

 

He was so fucked.

 

His eyes close tight again as he feels Ashlyn’s arms wrap tight around his calves. He feels the warm moisture of her tears against his legs and the racking of her body as she trembles softly.

 

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I did this to us.”

 

Bucky takes in a deep breath and looks up towards the heavens, the wetness coatings his cheeks once more. He couldn’t breathe.

 

He couldn’t get the image of your legs wrapped around Loki out of his head, he couldn’t get the sound of you cumming out of his head.

 

He had fallen in love hard with someone he shouldn’t have. He had to fix this.

 

“Please forgive me.” Ashlyn sobs against his knees.

 

A whimper leaves Bucky’s lips as he looks back down. Ashlyn was begging.

 

“Don’t hurt me again,” Bucky says just above a whisper. His tone was menacing and demanding, lined with despair.

 

His hand goes to the back of her unruly head and he rubs her there gently.

 

Ashlyn sobs against his knees.

 

“I won’t I promise.”

 

“I’m not going anywhere.”

* * *

 

Ladies in sundresses and men in loose-fitted t-shirts filled the outside patio area of the little cafe on _Bleeker._ Most of the girls wore designer shades as they sipped on their _De Venoge Cuvee Louis_ accompanied with an Instagram worth poached egg on a piece of avocado toast, while their date sat cross-legged admiring them in all their beauty, more than willing to pay for two more glasses of _Louis Roederer_ just to have an opportunity to sport them a little longer.

 

It doesn’t surprise you in the slightest that this is the place Ashlyn takes you to lunch. She seems happier than usual as she asks the waitress for seating outside, her tone perkier and more light. Her Louis Vuitton slung over her right shoulder as you both weaved through the heavy crowd of brunch hour. You followed her suit as she guided you towards the sunlight that peaked in through the doors that led to the outside table area.

 

Ashlyn doesn’t thank the hostess as she sits the menu down between you two, but you do before she has the chance to walk completely away. You look up at Ashlyn and she’s already looking at the lunch menu.

 

You shuffle uneasily in your white chair as you look out towards the street. You feel that slight bile again that has been coming up your throat for the last few hours, and you’re thankful when the waitress comes over and pours you both a complimentary glass of water. You down it fast while she’s pouring Ashlyn some.

 

Memories of last night make you uneasy. Everything had been going well with you and Loki. You finally allowed yourself to be intimate with another man again and it felt amazing and it definitely helped you get your mind off your other issues. That was until the said issue was standing in your front lawn, watching you fuck your boyfriend.

 

As if the situation you were in couldn’t get any more messed up or confusing than it already was. Why had Bucky been there? And even if he was there to apologize, which you are kind of hoping was the case, there’s no way you both could go back to normal. You thought that telling him how you felt about him would be the worst thing ever, but that was no longer the case.

 

You considered texting Bucky, maybe even calling him to find out why he had been there, but part of you was deathly afraid. The ball was in his court, and you didn’t want to seem desperate.

 

You explained to Loki before he left that you had no idea why Bucky was there, but you did tell him about how you had both been best friends but he had for some unknown reason cut you out. He ultimately agreed with you that he had most likely been there to try and patch things up again, and then you and him most likely traumatized Bucky for life.

 

You laughed for a second at that answer, but then it quickly dwindled as another realization hit you.

 

You were in love with Bucky, and he had caught you giving yourself to another man. It felt dirty and wrong, more so than embarrassing.

 

_Why was he there?_

 

“What are you getting?” Ashlyn asks, setting down the cardboard menu between the two glasses, “I think I’m gonna go with the Petits Pains au Chocolat.”

 

You gave her a funny look. It was obvious that spending a lot of time out in Paris changed Ashlyn. You look down at your menu and quickly say the first thing that sounds appetizing to you.

 

“I’ll just get the scrambled eggs and toast I guess.”

 

Ashlyn gives you a perk of her eyebrow, “Y/N, honey, why don’t you put your bag on the table instead of the chair?”

 

You narrow your eyes at her in confusion, “Why?”

 

Ashlyn flicks her freshly blown-out hair over her shoulder and sighs, “You don’t want some grimly man stealing it do you? Y/N, a lady always sits her bag down on the table next to her.”

 

Your eyes flicker to her LV that was on the table to her left. You honestly thought she had put it there just to show off that she had one.

 

You hold your tongue from saying this, and instead with a heavy grimace and fake smile, snatch your black crossbody bag and place it down next to your napkin.

 

“There.”

 

Ashlyn smiles sweetly at you and takes a sip of her water.

 

The waitress comes over and you both order your food.

 

“How’s it going to with Loki?”

 

You choke on your overpriced, but a surprisingly delicious scrambled egg.

 

“How did you know about me and Loki?” Your face turns red as your mind wanders far. Did Bucky tell her?

 

“He’s been telling the whole office, Y/N. He’s clearly head over heels over you,” Ashlyn delicately pulls a piece of her pastry, “Although I will add, Steve is completely heartbroken over it.”

 

You groan internally as Steve’s pretty sad face enters your mind’s eye.

 

“I can’t believe he’s telling people already.”

 

“What’s the big deal? He’s a great catch. I’ll admit, he can be a bit mischievous at times, just sit down with Thor for an hour and he’ll tell you, but he’s hot and he has an accent.”

 

You roll your eyes with a shake of your head as you take another bite of yummy eggs.

 

“He’s a cool guy, but I don’t know if I like him that much yet. I just need time, Ash.”

 

“Time for what? If you’re happy to go for it.”

 

“That’s the thing, Ash, I’m not.”  
  
Ashlyn frowns and you bite your tongue, realizing you’ve said too much.

 

“I mean, I am, but I don’t know. It’s too soon for this talk. We’ve only been going out for three weeks.”

 

Ashlyn nods approvingly. You look at her, hesitating for a second. You don’t want to ask, but you feel like you should reciprocate the interest. You take a few more bites of your eggs, stabbing at them nervously with your fork.

 

You didn’t want to know, but you had to ask.

 

“How about you? How are things with Bucky?”

 

“They’re great. Things are definitely better between us. Almost better than when we first started dating.”

 

The response breaks your heart. Obviously, what Bucky had said about making Ashlyn his best friend was working. It’s not that you didn’t want was best for them, but it didn’t seem right to you.

 

You were still insanely skeptical about Ashlyn’s intentions and Bucky deserved better. Clearly, that didn’t matter though, because they were both doing well.

 

You fake a small smile, “I’m glad.”

 

There’s a small moment of silence before you feel Ashlyn’s hands over yours.

 

You look up, surprised.

 

“Y/N, look,” she says softly, “I know I haven’t been the best sister the last few years and I’m sorry. I’m also really sorry that I’ve changed. I never expected any of this,” She motions with her hands around you both as if gesturing to the city and to the life she was now living, “and I didn’t expect to like it as much as I do. I also apologized to Bucky last night, told him I was sorry for distancing. He has forgiven me and I hope that you will too.”

 

Her words shock you. This was the first time in a long time that your sister has demonstrated her love towards you. She literally just apologized for everything that made you skeptical about her.

 

“Wow, Uhm,” she looks at you expectedly, awaiting a response, “I forgive you.”

 

The smile that breaks over her face is too bright, almost fake, and you doubt it for a second if she’s being sincere.

 

There seemed to have been other intentions behind this apology. But you were exhausted at this point and you accept it.

 

You don’t miss the way Ashlyn _doesn’t_ tip the waitress.

 

You’re both walking out, the hostess shoots you a bright smile and you tell her to have a great day. The buzzing sensation against your hand startles you because no one had texted or called you all day except for Loki that morning.

 

You expect to see Loki’s name on your phone, but you’re shocked when you see the one name you weren’t expecting.

 

Bucky.

 

_Hey. I was hoping you could stop by my office today. We need to talk._

 

You can’t breathe for a second and your handshakes as you re-read the words until they are stuck in your head. He hadn’t spoken to you in so long. You’re terrified, you’re scared of what you’re feeling because of one damn text and you’re scared of seeing him and hearing what he has to say. You look up as you’re walking behind Ashlyn and you take in a deep breath.

 

_Ok. I’m in the city today. When do you want me to stop by?_

 

You hardly have time to lock the phone when another text arrives.

 

_Now is fine._

 

You suck in a deep breath and let it out dramatically past your lips.

* * *

 

Today was Ashlyn’s day off so she went straight home after brunch. You told her you had to catch up on some errands at home, not wanting to tell her the truth.

 

The ride up the elevator to the top floor was not fun. Avoiding both Steve and Loki seemed more like a burden than anything. When had your life become a wave of lies and hidden secrets? Never had you thought you were on your way to meet a future CEO that you were currently head over heels for, but trying to hide from two gorgeous other guys in the meantime. It seemed almost outrageous to you.

 

Every time the elevator would stop on a random floor and someone would get on, you would hide your face with your hair as much as possible, only peaking your eye up to see the floor numbers.

 

A breath you didn’t know you were holding comes out when you finally arrive on the top floor. You quickly walk over to Bucky’s door which happened to be the last one on the far left down the long hallway.

 

You shakily raise your hand up to knock, almost hesitantly. There’s no response after the first knock and you start looking around nervously, looking for any indication of Steve or Loki. Sighing, you move from leg to leg and raise your hand up to knock one more time.

 

“Come in!” You hear, finally.

 

You close your eyes tightly together and take a deep breath before turning the doorknob.

 

When you’re inside you see Bucky sitting in his chair behind his desk. He’s wearing a light grey suit with a white dress shirt underneath and a blue tie. His eyes are already on you. He ignores the heavy pang in his chest and how he feels just by one look. The way he stares at you is sympathetic and longing.

 

You have to look away before you combust into flames, and you do so as you turn around to close the door behind you. One of your hands remains on the doorknob and the other is one the door itself so it could close softly.

 

“Hey.” He says softly, lovingly, almost.

 

You turn around slowly. When you do he’s furrowing his eyes at you like you’re afraid of him or something similar. It hurts him.

 

You look up until your eyes meet and the memory from last night returns.

 

“Hi.” You respond weakly.

 

He ticks his jaw and he looks at the chair in front of him and then back to you. “Could you sit please?”

 

His instruction makes you freeze at first. You look at the leather chair and then back at him. You nod slowly, making your way to his seat.

 

“You knew I was in town.” You say once you’re seated.

 

Bucky smiles softly for a fraction of a second before it’s gone.

 

“Ashlyn told me she was taking you to brunch.”

 

He’s moving his left leg up and down nervously, his gaze intently on you- taking you in.

 

“Then why ask?”

 

“I wasn’t going to assume that you would say yes.” He had a point. You look away from him and towards the scenery outside, “Look, Y/N, I wanted to apologize.”

 

Your stomach turns as your eyes look at him involuntarily. Had you heard him right?

 

He looks at you with sentiment in his eyes, his gaze goes towards his hand that is playing nervously with his ballpoint pen.

 

“For which part?”

 

His hand stops at the question you ask and he looks up at. His gaze is so intense at that moment that you feel the air grow thick between you two.

 

“For cutting me off or for ruining my moment with my boyfriend?”

 

Bucky gapes at you in shock.

 

“What?” He breathes.

 

“Did I stutter?”

 

Bucky stares at you and then scoffs in disbelief, shaking his head from side to side.

 

“I didn’t cut you off.”

 

You cross your arms over your chest as you lay back against your chair, now angry more than afraid.

 

“Then what do you call it, Barnes?”

 

He drops the pen hard against the table.

 

“I was pushing you away, creating distance, that’s all. You need to realize, y/n, that I and Ashlyn have been going through a hard time. You know things between us have been distant, and I’m not saying you were to blame-“

 

“Don’t you fucking blame me for your problems with your girlfriend-“  
  
“I’m not! I’m just saying that I was devoting my time to the wrong place.”

 

You nod quickly, staring so hard at the spot above his shoulder that you hope it will make the tears brewing behind your eyes go away.

 

“So you brought me here to remind me of that? That we can’t be friends anymore?”  
  
“I brought you here because I wanted to tell you that I shouldn’t have done that.”

 

You weren’t expecting that.

 

“What?”

 

“You can’t help-“ he feels the emotions brewing in his chest as he continues to stare at you. _I thought you loved me, too._ He wants to say. “You can’t help who you become friends with,” _but I still l want to keep you in my life,_ “And you snuck up on me, you’re my best friend. I did the worst thing by pushing you away.”

 

“I still want you there when I want someone to complain to about my day, I still want someone to be there when I need advice when I want to get hammered when I want to have a good time or binge watch Hey Arnold with.”

 

A chuckle escapes through your nose and you bite your bottom lip to keep from smiling.

 

“I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

 

You continue to bite your lip as you stare at each other. His eyes are begging and there’s a smile on the corner of his mouth.

 

You don’t bother asking him about last night, because you put two and two together and realize that he was there because he wanted to apologize - you had been right.

 

He’s thankful you don’t ask.

 

“And I’m sorry you had to see that last night.”

 

A look you don’t recognize is on Bucky’s face as. He looks away, his cheeks a deep red, his eyes almost black.

 

“Yeah,” he says so lowly you almost have trouble hearing it, “let's not talk about that ever again.”

 

Part of him hates that he had to see that, the other part always dies a little inside when he replays it, another part of him grows with desire, and then there’s that smaller side of him that is happy that you’ve moved on.

 

Now that you’ve moved on, he figures he should too.

 

He doesn’t tell you this, and he doesn’t tell you yet that he had been looking at engagement rings online before you came in. For some reason, he couldn’t say it to your face.

 

You and Bucky had a great talk and you leave a lot happier than when you woke up that morning. It was almost as if everything was going back to normal again. You’re closing the large mahogany door behind you when someone sneaks up behind you.

 

“Y/N?”

 

You’re frozen in place at the voice. You quickly turn around, trying to mask happiness all over your expression. The last thing you wanted to look was suspicious.

 

Your sister is looking at you with a really confused look on her face.

 

“What are you doing here?” She asks slowly, looking between you and the door to Bucky’s office.

 

You try to rack your brain for any excuse possible.

 

“I-uh,” Ashlyn looks at you waiting, her expression growing apprehensive, “Loki asked me to hand Bucky something before I went home.”

 

Ashlyn’s expression lightens and you thank the heavens for finding such a quick and believable lie.

 

“Oh, okay.”

 

Now you’re the confused one.

 

“I thought today was your day off.”  
  
Ashlyn stares at you for a second before looking over her shoulder and back at you, “It is, but I had to come in to also drop something off.”  
  
You squint your eyes at her, a weird feeling in your gut that told you something was off.  
  
“I’m gonna go in and say hi to Buck.”

 

You step aside to give her some room, “Oh, yeah sure.”

 

She gives you a sincere smile before going in, “I’ll see ya later, girlie.”

 

You give her a smile back. Once the door closes in your face it quickly falls off.

 

As if on a mission, you quickly walk over to the room that your sister just came out of.

 

You quickly identify this as Mr. Barnes’ office and it scares you that you could get in trouble for trespassing. You look around to make sure the hallway is clear, once it is you reach down to open door.

 

Locked.

 

You curse to yourself as you huff. You try to find any possible way to gain access inside, but you see nothing. Giving up, you sigh and spin on your feet to turn around.

 

You hear the shuffle of paper and you feel something against the toe of your shoe. You look down to see the corner of a manila envelope sticking out from underneath the door. Curiously, you lean down on one knee to pick it up.

 

You feel guilty at first, this could be something extremely confidential. If you take this, they would notice it was gone.

 

You feel awful for not trusting your sister but what if she was hiding something like your gut was telling you?

 

You make up your mind as you quickly, with shaking hands, open the clasp of the envelope. You stick your finger into the edge of the envelope and pull it back so you can look in. There are several documents inside, and you’re skimming through it when something in between catches your eye. It was Mr. Barnes’ will.

 

All you see are Ashlyn’s name, a big amount of money in a line right after it, a lot more significant than Bucky’s and -

 

You’re about to keep reading it when you hear muffling behind Bucky’s door. Quickly, you close the envelope and slide it back under the door.

 

You run out of the building so fast that your vision is dark and blurry. Your head feels faint and scenarios of your sister from the last year come into your head.

 

Her trips, her material things, her life, her cockiness, and her stuck up attitude. What the hell was she hiding. It was obvious to you that her apology had been a huge lie. You only wondered how much of that was also sincere to Bucky.

 

Your mind is racing back and forth while you sit on the train looking out the window. You hate that you can no longer trust your sister, but at the same time, she seemed sincere about wanting to be your friend again. It was the materialistic side of her that was poisonous and why you wanted her as fast as possible from Bucky.  
  
You had to tell him, you had to remind him that she was using him. He had to believe her this time.

 

You feel a rush as you’re about to pick up your phone to send him a text - you haven’t texted him in so long and it sends fire through your heart- you curse yourself as you try to push it down as much as possible. Your feelings couldn’t matter right now, only stopping this did.

 

It surprises you when your phone goes off as soon as you’re about to unlock it.

 

It was Bucky.

 

You quickly unlock it with a smile, ignoring the soaring in your heart.

 

_I didn’t want to tell you earlier, because it’s a surprise but I need your help with something._

 

You smile.

 

You don’t have time to respond before the next text follows.

 

It’s a picture.

 

Your heart drops the second it comes in. You can feel it pumping against your ribcage and you feel like you want to _die._

 

You’ve never felt the way you did at that exact moment. You feel your hands clamming up and you want to cry.

 

_This is the one. I’m going to ask Ashlyn to marry me._

 

It was a ring. The picture was a beautiful diamond ring.

 

Bucky sat back in his office, staring at his phone, at the message he had just sent you. He felt wrong, all of this felt wrong. But it felt like it should be right.

 

He wonders why you hadn’t replied yet, he knew you had your phone in your hand at all times. Were you safe?

 

He drops his phone on his desk as he takes in a deep breath and runs a hand through his hair.

 

It was official. He was finally going to propose to Ashlyn.

 

 **After all, you didn’t feel the same, and even if you did for a second in time, you had moved on now. You were with Loki.** He thinks.

 

Bucky’s rubbing his forehead nervously as he stares at his phone waiting for a response.

 

He didn’t know that on the other end you were blinking away hot tears that were blurring your vision and that you felt angry and disappointed.

 

You type out the fakest lie you’ve ever told anyone:

 

_It’s beautiful, bucky._

 

With that, you turned off your phone for the rest of the night.

* * *

 _Now it's breaking my heart to watch you run around_  
_'Cause I know that you're living a lie_  
_But that's okay baby 'cause in time you will find_


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky finally confronts the reader about her feelings towards his and Ashlyn's relationship. *Very strong language.*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck. *wipes sweat off brow* This was a hard one to write. But so damn important.

_How do you do that with your eyes,_  
_You know it gets me every time,_  
_I swear I wish I could read your mind,_  
_Cause I ask the same question every night_

 

 _Upstate_ , New York

Steve texts you that afternoon asking if you were okay because you weren’t at the engagement. You don’t reply.

You never understood love. As a child, you always imagined it’d be something that brought happiness to you. You envisioned yourself twenty years into the future as five years old you would rip toilet paper from your parent’s bathroom and stick it into the sides of your red headband. Then, you’d dig into your mother’s closet and look for the fanciest pair of heels that she owned. They were about four times the size of your little feet, but you didn’t care as you spun around in front of your mirror, caressing the toilet paper that fell over your shoulder as if it were a veil.

You were five and you couldn’t wait until you met your prince charming, you couldn’t wait to fall in love for the first time like the princesses in the movies.It seemed real to you - true love. It wasn’t a myth or a fairytale, even staring at your own parents you could tell it was a real thing.

Of course, your life never turned out that way. Boy after boy, then men after men, your heart was continuously broken. That image of you walking down the aisle in a big white dress eventually diminished and with each time it seemed easier to let it go. You had no longer thought about five years old you in the toilet paper veil. Instead, you grew more with the expectation that if something was good, maybe you could date the guy forever, not even get married.

Who cares if all your old high school and college friends were married except for you.

This true reality was what you lived with now. You no longer believed in true love, just infatuation, and lust.

Or so you thought you no longer did. Your gut and your heart told you otherwise while Pebbles laid next to you as you watched Dirty Dancing for the third time that week, the second time that day.

You caressed Pebbles as she purred intently. She loved you and you loved her - this kind of love didn’t hurt.

You found yourself believing in love once more as you stared at Swayze dragging the back of his hand down Baby’s inner arm.

There had reached a point after your experience with Eddie where you couldn’t listen to love songs anymore and movies like these made you cringe. You had become a hater, more out of lack of faith of love than hating love.

Love scared you, it’s why you let it go. It always left you hurt, it was always one-sided.

You feel a tightness in your throat as you wonder how Bucky’s hands would feel on you if you both danced that same way.

Pebble lets out another purr.

You allowed yourself to sulk now in pain, learning from past experience that keeping it in doesn’t help anything. But you refused to think of him ever since he showed you the ring.

It wasn’t doing well for your health. You couldn’t eat, you couldn’t sleep, you couldn’t concentrate at work, and you couldn’t control your tears.

You were an awful girlfriend for not even texting Loki, admitting to yourself that he wasn’t the one you wanted and you refused to lead him on like it’s been done to you. You hoped that he would understand without you having to have said anything.

Lazily you pulled out your phone, and before you realized it, you found yourself lurking on Instagram. You scroll quickly through the feed, subconsciously looking for one exact name for the five hundredth time that week.

Suddenly, your thumb stops and you feel a frigidness in your upper belly.

You didn’t see his name but you saw hers. The picture that you saw made a heavy knot in your throat grow and you couldn’t move. Your thumb trembled slightly against your screen, nearly giving the picture a like.

You felt your heart grow heavy and your nerves that were previously numb begin to burn, reaching from your fingertips to your face.

You were nauseous as you felt the need to scream and cry at the same time. 

Why bother lying to yourself anymore? 

He was the love of your life. 

Your **love** was going to marry your sister and grow a family with her. Your heart shattered at the thought of them having children, having a life together.

Your eyes close tightly together at the image of Ashlyn baring his kids. 

You tried to control your breathing as you felt it escape erratically through your nose. 

Everything about the situation made you stressed and aggravated; completely and utterly heartbroken. 

It was quite obvious to you that he didn’t deserve this, Ashlyn didn’t deserve him. It annoyed you that he couldn’t see how much better he deserved.

It made no sense to you that he didn’t feel the same way. Not that you were selfish or anything, because _are you fucking kidding me_ you say to yourself as you reopen your eyes and continue to stare at the picture in your hand. 

Your vision begins to blur.

Of course, when you had given him the same teddy bear he had as a little kid, it was the same gesture you had done with Eddie. Of course, it was, because you couldn’t help it. It’s the kind of girl that you were. It surprised you that he never even said anything about it, you were expecting at least something. 

But no, he never even said thank you.

You loved Bucky. You loved him. You were in love with someone you couldn’t have.

You were in love with someone that didn’t love you back.

**Again.**

You turned yourself slightly into your pillow on the couch and buried your face into the soft fabric. 

You dug your nails into it as you sobbed.  

**Not again. Not again.**

You couldn’t bring yourself to go to their engagement, and part of you felt awful because he was your best friend. But you couldn’t bear it. Your heart would not be able to take it. How could you fake your complete unhappiness in front of all of those people? 

God, what you would do for just one kiss... 

The thought makes a whimper leave your lips as you hold onto the pillow tighter.

You don’t know when, but eventually, you fell into a short slumber. It was the first nap you’ve gotten in in seven days.

* * *

 _Brooklyn_ , New York 

There’s always something that pushes someone into making a drastic decision in their life. It could be something positive or something negative.

Up until a few weeks ago, the thought of proposing to Ashlyn still seemed far into the future for Bucky. If anything, his hope for that kind of future had begun to dwindle down up until a few weeks ago. But then he realized that the reason he held back was because of you, because of a certain hope that he had for the future. 

But after it became embarrassingly clear to him that that’s not what you wanted, and that he had imagined it all, he had no more reason to hesitate in asking Ashlyn’s hand in marriage. 

Everyone would be happy in their own way: Him and Ash would be the perfect couple his parents had always wanted, you could move on with Loki, and he could stop being foolish and a horrible man. 

That’s what he expected.  

He had chosen the location at the 1 Hotel Brooklyn in Brooklyn across the river. It was one of his and his friends’ favorite sports in the summer.It had a nice deck wooden that overlooked downtown Manhattan. He was more nervous than he’d ever been in his entire life ever since he woke up that morning, clinging onto the velvet box as he stares at his reflection in the mirror.

He swallowed nervously as he took in his own pale face. He was _really_ about to do this tonight. 

He wore a nice tailored dark blue suit and he allowed a little bit of his stubble to grow in. His hair was perfectly combed, and his fancy watch glowed on his wrist against his sun-kissed skin.

The little box would remain tucked in his inner coat pocket until that night.

Arriving there, he was greeted with many smiles and suggestive eyebrow raises as if they were all asking if he was ready without actually saying it. 

_No, I’m not._

He had invited a good amount of his good friends. Including you, Sam, Steve, and Nat. Those were the most important to him, especially on one of the most important days of his life. 

It had been an amazing night and it ended up going a lot more smoothly than he thought it would. He surprised Ashlyn at the end on the deck, his friends watching as they all gathered around. He had gotten down on one knee with a bright smile on his face. He had felt a twinge of doubt in his heart when a gust of wind passed over Ashlyn’s body, her hair flowing in the crips air.

His heart fell slightly. It wasn’t the hair he wanted to touch.

He had asked Ashlyn to marry him because it was the right thing to do. 

 _This was the right thing_ , he kept telling himself. 

He repeated it to himself as Ashlyn cried into his arms saying _yes yes yes_ , he repeated it when he slid the drop-dead gorgeous diamond onto her finger, he repeated it ( _this is the right thing_ ) when his friends were congratulating him.

He repeated it to himself when he looked around for you, but then slowly realizing you never even came.

He had looked down at his cellphone while Ashlyn freaked out over the ring, showing it to her friends on the other side of the roof. 

He skimmed over his Instagram feed, a betraying task that he shouldn’t do with his fiancé _(his future wife_ ) sitting right there. 

Ashlyn had posted the proposal picture two hours ago, he knew she wouldn’t hesitate a moment to spread on social media. 

He finds it quickly and it already had over thirty thousand likes and two hundred comments. 

Bucky looked around his vicinity before dimming his screen dark enough as to where others couldn’t see what he was looking at. He clicked on the likes tab, the search bar, and then searched your name. 

No results. 

You hadn’t liked it nor left a comment.

You didn’t even have the decency to show up.

You were his best friend and you didn’t show any gratitude on one of the most important days of his life.

He was pissed.

* * *

Bucky was in a warped daze as he continued to look out into the river, phone tight in his hand. He feels the wind against his face and he closes his eyes as he tries to push down the unwanted emotions. 

He should be happier at this moment. Right now he should be holding hands with Ashlyn back at the dinner table. But instead, he was on the other side of the roof, coming to terms to with what he had just done.

Part of him felt guilty because he knew Ashlyn would look over her shoulder at his back. After their moment a few nights ago, she knew that someone new had entered their life, but they had both made a mutual decision to move on from it. But now she had doubts as she watched him deep in thought next to the rive and not next to her.

Her friend calls her attention and she quickly looks away, clearing her throat, trying to push away the horrible feeling she was feeling.

Bucky was still in a trance as he thought of you. Why didn’t you come? What had he done wrong?

Bucky feels a hand come down on his shoulder and he spins around, slightly startled.

Sam. Bucky smiles. 

“Hey, buddy.” Sam gave him a small smile.

“Hey, Sam.” Bucky sticks his hand in his pants pocket.

 “Congrats.”

“Thanks,” Bucky reaches his right arm and pats Sam’s arm comfortingly, “and thanks for coming, man.”

“Of course. I wouldn’t miss one of the most important days of your life.”  
  
“Jeez,” Bucky runs a hand through his hair and sighs, “Yeah, can you believe it?”

“Not really, but it has to happen eventually right? You’re getting married.” 

Bucky gives Sam a side smile and nods. Sam follows Bucky’s gaze as he looks over at Ashlyn, no look of happiness or contentment over his face. 

Sam bites his bottom lip.

“Look, I spoke to Steve.”

Bucky snaps his head over to Sam and perks a brow at him.

“Oh yeah?”

Sam eyes him for a second before looking Bucky up and down, his voice lowering.

“He told me about you and Y/N.” 

The mention of your name leaves Bucky startled and shook for a second. A slight chuckle, which sounds more like a puff of fair, escapes his lungs as he looks quickly between Sam and Ashlyn nervously.

“Wh-why on earth would he do that?” His stutter is hard to miss and he catches his mistake. He clears his throat and stands taller on his feet and looking Sam directly in his eyes, “There’s nothing to talk about. Is he off telling people now that something happened? I don’t-“

“No, Bucky, relax,” Sam chuckles as he raises a hand to calm Bucky down, “Nothing like that. He’s your best friend, you and I both know that the last thing he would do is spread rumors. Especially about something as messed up as this.”

Bucky looks down at his feet ashamed.

“We’re both your friend and we want nothing but the best for you two. He came to me because he wasn’t sure how to handle the situation. And honestlyI’ve even been skeptical about you two myself.”

Bucky gapes as he scoffs, his face suddenly feeling hot and his heart beating away rapidly. This was dangerous. Did Ashlyn notice too?

“Jesus, is it really that obvious?”  
  
“Look, I don’t think you’re a bad person. Honestly, I feel like the way Steve was handling it made it seem like you were, and he probably made you feel that way, but you’re not.”

Bucky decides that he’s going to stop bullshitting everything and accepts his friends’ help. He steps up closer to Sam.

“Are you kidding? I feel like shit, Sam.”He whispers as he looks back at Ashlyn and then back to him, “It’s not right. An idiotic crush on my fiancé’s little sister?”  
  
“Of course it’s not, but it’s also not something you should be stressing so much about,” Bucky narrows his eyes at this, “This is why people say a guy and a girl can never be _just_ friends, I mean they can but of course there will always be some kind of tension there- it’s completely natural.”

“Yeah, but-“

“It’s a damn crush. Stop beating yourself over it. But I will say, I think differently than he does.” 

“How so? Please, any advice that you have right now would be great, because I can’t take this. This _guilt._ ”

“I don’t think you should’ve cut her off nor pushed her away the way you did. You and I both know that Steve did that because he’s crazy about her and wants her to have nothing to do with you romantically. He freaked. He’s being protective and jealous.”

Bucky clears throat, trying his hardest to not get the mental image of you and Steve together.

“So what do you think I should do? I’m engaged, I love my fiancé, but she’s my best friend. Look at her, she didn’t even care to come here tonight, and I don’t know why.”

“And it’s killing you that she’s not here. You care more about her not being here than you do about being engaged.”

Bucky rubs the back of his neck as he stares down at his feet. He closes his eyes tightly together. 

“Does that make me a bad person, Sam?”  
  
“It makes you a loyal friend, and someone with a crush that needs to be wiped away and dealt with as soon as possible.” 

“What are you saying?”  
  
“You need to talk to Y/N. You guys need to talk about this. Tell her how you feel. That’s the first step into moving past this.”

Bucky feels a hollow hole in his stomach at the advice Sam’s give. Him telling you how he feels? How would that in anyway help the situation? It didn’t make sense to him at first, but then the more he thought about it the more it made sense. Him telling you how he feels would help him move past it. There was some kind of tension between you two that was probably coming off the wrong way from him and maybe it was giving away mixed signals. Maybe your were confused, or maybe there was something else on your mind as well.

Sam was right, you both needed to talk about this. He needed to find out why you weren’t here. 

“Okay. Please don’t let this get to Ashlyn, I don’t wanter her involved and I don’t want to hurt her. This is between the three of us: you, me, and Steve.” 

Bucky decided to hang out with Ashlyn and his friends for a couple of more hours. They have their share of cocktails and laughter and then they all make their separate ways home.

Surprisingly (and thankfully) Ashlyn tells Bucky that she needs to go home for the night, no matter how much she wanted to celebrate their engagement on their lonesomes at his place, she wasn’t feeling well.

“I’m so happy this is happening.” Ashlyn had whispered against his lips as she leaned against her door to her apartment.

Bucky smiles back convincingly, “You sure you’re not feeling too well?” He gives Ashlyn a suggestive squeeze on her hip, “I wanted to celebrate with you.”

He figured he might as well sound like he has no where to go so she’s not suggestive.

“As much as I want to,” she giggles against his lips, “I feel really nauseous right now and I don’t want to ruin the moment by puking on you while I’m on you.”

“Jesus Christ, Ash.” Bucky cringes as a short laugh escapes his lips, “Fine. Tomorrow night then.”

Bucky wastes no time once he’s free of her grasp.

* * *

 

Your senses come back by order. First, it’s your hearing: a knock. Then, it’s touch: Pebbles purring against your chest. Next, it’s your eye sight as you slowly open your lids. You raise up slightly dazed, it had been the deepest nap you had in days and you were completely gone.

You thank the heavens that your sleep had been dreamless. You want to kill the bastard that is at your front door right now pounding away with no respect. You raise up even higher until you're fully sat, waking pebbles in the meantime. She hops off the couch with a small thump and wags over to her food and water bowl.

You pull your blanket off your legs as the persistent knocking continues.

“Jeez, wait!” You call out annoyed. 

When you open your front door your face to face with the last face you wanted to see.

Your sister’s…fiancé.

You gulp hard. You couldn’t cry, not now.

Bucky looks pissed as he stood on your welcome mat. Clearly, you weren’t sick nor dead.

You clear your throat as you push down your feelings for him and nonchalantly greet your best friend.

“Hey, Bucky.”

“Hey, Bucky?” He questions in a scoff. 

You narrow your eyes at him confusion. Had you said something wrong?

“Is everything okay?” Your tone is sincere, obviously, you didn’t know why he was upset.

He had come to you with a mission in mind, to tell you something very important, but the second he saw you he couldn’t get out of his head that you didn’t go tonight.

“You know, you’re the only person who hasn’t wished me a congratulations. Not even online, nothing.” 

You raise a brow, slightly taken aback by his brazen attitude. He was waiting for you? You don’t understand his attitude.

“I texted you the night of, I told you it was a beautiful ring. The week after I just got caught up with stuff. I already had plans tonight that I couldn’t cancel.” You lie.

Bucky gives you a hard look.

“I wanted you there.”

“I couldn’t make it, I had to work late.” Another lie, not realizing you just contradicted your previous lie.

“You said you forgave me but it doesn’t seem like you do. I told you I was sorry, Y/N.”

You look at him in complete awe, almost breathlessly. Did he really care that much that you didn’t go?

“I do forgive you, Bucky. You’re my best friend.” You say softly. 

“Then what is it? Are you not happy for us?”

You take in a deep breath, nostrils slightly flaring, and you swallow hard. 

“I’m sorry, Bucky I’ve been busy.” You repeat again.

Bucky looked at you in disbelief.

  
“Busy to say congrats? It’s a damn text, Y/N. You could’ve at least had the curtesy to say congrats.”

You were confused, you were taken aback, and you were stunned by how passionate he was being. 

You were so damn confused.

How dare he act like he cares that much.  
  
“Why do you care so much Bucky? So what, I forgot to say congrats, whats the big deal? Congrats. There you go,” you say emotionless, not even looking him in the eye, “Again, I told you the day you got the ring that it was beautiful. Is that not enough?”  
  
“And that’s all you said. She’s you’re sister and you’re my best friend. Why wouldn’t I care what you say?”

You narrow your eyes at him, not understanding  his attitude.  
  
“You seem to want validations from others more than yourself. Are you unsure of yourself, Barnes?”

  
“What the hell is that suppose to mean? Validation?”

“I mean, what do you want from me, Bucky? I’m giving you everything I can right now.”

The moment the phrase comes off your tongue you can no longer even look at him. It was the most truthful you had been with him the last few months, and it was the closest you’ve ever gotten to even saying anything close to your feelings from him. The thought that the was right there in front of you and you could just simply tell him you love him made you want to cry, it made you angry beyond recognition. You had no right to do anything with him and it broke your heart. You yearned for him, your body craved his love and you couldn’t do anything about it.

This really was you giving everything you could, and he had no idea.

“That’s very hard to believe.”

You step into your living room with your back towards him. You run a hand through your heavy hair, taking in a deep breath.

You couldn’t lose your cool, not now. But how dare he.

“Honestly, you want to know why?” Your voice starts slowly but growing dangerously high with each word, “You want to know why I didn’t wish you a congratulations? You want to know _why_ i’m _not_ happy for you?” 

Bucky looked at your back in disbelief and scoffs. 

“I knew it. Of course, you’re not happy for me.”

You ignore him completely as you say it one more time, “You want to know _why?_ ”  
  
“Enlighten me, please.” His voice is stronger now too. 

Tired from the amount of exhaustion you felt the last few weeks from what he put you through makes you snap. You were done.

You turn to face him fully, your hand that was in your hand hitting your thigh as you bring it down. 

“Because I thought you could do better!”

Bucky’s looking at you lost.

“What?”

“I’ve been telling you for almost two years, that she isn’t who you think she is. You make this whole _thing_ up about her in your head and you don’t even know it. You make up this version of her for you to love and that’s not who she even is anymore. She’s a damn liar, Bucky,” Bucky fumes as he takes in your words, “If you only knew what I’ve seen her do, what I saw. Something is up with her, and truth is, I was reluctant to tell you because I didn’t want to be that damn person. I didn’t want to be the girl that talks shit about another guy’s girl without proof.”

“She’s your damn sister, y/n.”

“She’s a damn liar, she’s hiding something and she superficial, how do you not see it?” You gesture wildly with your hand, “It drives me nuts how you can’t see that I’m not okay with this?”  
You try to control your breathing and the sudden brimming of tears in your eyes as you look at him. He was gorgeous. He was made to be loved.

“She doesn’t deserve you, Bucky.” You whisper hoarsely.

“Then who does, Y/N? Who deserves me? Is it damn Carol from accounting, is it Nat? Who deserves me if it’s not the woman that I am with?”  
  
“I don’t know, Bucky! Maybe someone who doesn’t only cares about money or their image. She only cares about the stuff you’re giving her, and I don’t mean the _love_ you give her.” You voice falters at the word ‘love’ and it pains you how you sound so weak, so pathetic.

Bucky breathes in deeply, his eyes a dark hue, a look on his face that you cannot pin point. He looked angry, that much was evident.  
  
“She loves me.” He says pathetically, so pathetically you can’t help but roll your eyes.

This makes Bucky fume and he steps into your apartment, slamming the door close behind him.  
  
“But she loves her apartment more. She loves her bags more, she loves the money more, the clothes, the lifestyle, the job. You really want to marry someone like that? That just cares about what they look like one hundred percent of the time?”

The anger Bucky feels in his heart is uncontrollable. It comes out before he can even stop it.  
  
“Well, maybe that just means you should start caring about appearance, too. Maybe the problem is you and not her.”

The words hurt, they burn you from within.  
  
“What?”

All you hear is his breathing and you see a twinkle of regret and sadness in his eyes as he adverts them from you.

“I didn’t mean that. “

You felt so sad, you couldn’t believe he really thought that of you.

“This entire time I thought you were different. That you didn’t care about that kind of thing. I thought you were good. That you were a good man.” Bucky looks away shamefully licking and then biting his lips, “Look at you, Barnes. You’re shying away from me. You’re nothing what I thought you were, and it’s breaking my heart.”

Bucky sniffs as he closes his eyes tightly together. If you’ve never sounded so broken in your entire life he’d be damned, and it was all his fault.  
  
“I don’t care about those things. Fuck, I’m just upset that you didn’t give me your congratulations. Your opinion means the most to me.” He didn’t even want to tell you how he felt at this point anymore.

“I might’ve broken your heart by saying something I didn’t mean to,” he looks up at your now, his blue eyes dark, “But you broke mine by not being there on the most special day of my life. I came here to have a serious conversation with you and now all you’ve done is make me feel bad for wanting to be in love with my fiancé. You have no idea how much I want this to work- me and her.”

You shake your head.

“I do. I’ve always known. More than you know. You want your fucking congratulations? Well, you’re in bad luck because I’m not giving it to you. You want me to be your friend, someone who is honest with you? Leave the girl.”

“Excuse me?”

“Honey, I’ll tell it to your face like no one else ever would and you know it. You goddamn fucking know it, Barnes,” Bucky swallows hard. At this point, you are so over it, so over your emotions that you don’t care anymore, “If I told you, you wouldn’t even believe me.” 

Bucky shook his head at you once more, but this time his eyes were pleading.  
  
“For the love of God, just tell me.” 

“I don’t trust her,” you move up closer to him. Bucky swallows hard as he watches you, “and I don’t trust what she’s doing with your company. I think she has bad intentions, selfish ones, Bucky. Ones that are for her own benefit.”  
  
“Really like what?” 

“Well, for one I saw your father’s will and it had her name written all over it including a shit load of money with it.”

“What? What the hell are you doing going through my father’s will?”

“I wasn’t going through shit, Ashlyn slid it under his door and I happened to accidentally step on it.” 

“Oh, right, and it just so happened to be out in the open like that. I don’t know if you understand this, Y/N, but Ashlyn is my father’s assistant, of course, she’s allowed to slide things under his door. And who the hell cares if she’s on his will? She’s my future wife, eventually what she owns will be mine anyway.”

“You are so goddamn gullible, Bucky.”

“I just don’t understand what you’re implying!”

You moved up closer to Bucky until you were a feet away from his body. He looked furious.

“You mean to tell me you’ve never once thought about what it was she was doing out on those trips or what it is that your dad and her do on these trips?”

Bucky was angry as he also stepped closer to you, his voice loud, “You think that I’ve never thought about that? Of course, I have. And we’ve talked about it, I don’t know who you think you are, Y/N, but you have no right to be interfering in these kind of topics between me and Ashlyn.” 

You roll your eyes, spinning away from him. You feel a tight grip on your elbow- it’s bruising.

“She’s not cheating on me.” His voice is venom, it’s strong, “She would _never._ ”

He looks at the back of your head and he feels weak. He had come here twice to your house, once with the intension of kissing you and the other to tell you that he has feelings for you, but both times it went horribly wrong.

“I came here to have a conversation with you. I wanted you to at least tell me you are happy for me. But instead, all I get is hate - over and over again. I understand your views about her, I do, but I don’t know what to tell you. You think everyone is going to fall for your reasonings and your accusations because you’re innocent and you have never done any wrong in your life, but you can’t forget that you’re dealing with me.”

You’re speechless as you process his words. He thought this was all a game to you.

“How do I know for sure that it’s not you that are all those things? Because let me tell you something, y/n, I know the woman I fell in love with, I know the girl I met and she is none of those things you accuse her of, so stop trying to force it down my throat.”

He was saying it more to convince himself at this point. 

“You think I’m fooling you into making her think she’s the bad one? You think I’m lying about her being manipulative?” 

“Y/N, you have done nothing but talk shit about her.”

“Fine!”

It comes out in a roar as your snap back around and scream it in his face. Bucky recoils slightly at your outburst. Your face is red, your eyes flushed.

“Fine, Barnes, you want me to stop talking shit about her and stop trying to protect you, I will!” You tilt your head up higher, a finger in his chest, “But just know that if she hurts you, it’s your own fault. I will give you that, because you’re my best friend. But I’m not giving you my blessings onto something that I know is not right. That is something you cannot force out of me.”

He should’ve been pissed at you- he should’ve been- as he stared down at you with your little finger poking into his chest. You were refusing to give him the congratulations he wanted, and he should’ve been mad at you for it. 

But he couldn’t help the feeling he felt in his heart as he looked down at you, both of your eyes hooded over in unspoken emotions.

He wanted to be mad at you so bad in that instance, but all he felt was love.

He loved you so much.

Bucky’s eyes drift from your eyes and to your little nose…he stops before he can look any further and he looks back up at your eyes.

“Okay.” He says softly and simply.

You squint your eyes at him. Was that it?

Bucky looks down at you and moves away, clearing his throat. 

The tension in the room calmed down between you two as it began to grow silent, the big blow out finally fading out. 

“So what did you want to talk about, Barnes?”

Bucky bites his bottom lip as he contemplates if he should go through with it or not, but he decides against it. Now was not the right time. Maybe _never_ would be the right time.

Right now, he just needed to clear his head, he had to process everything that was put out in the open from you. They were strong emotions that he never realized you felt.

He didn’t want to believe the things you said. It made things harder.

“Nothing, it’s kind of silly now. I’ll probably just text you.”

“Okay…”

Bucky quickly wipes his eyes with the back of his hand and walks around you to the front door.

“I’ll see ya later.” He mumbles. 

He quickly opens the door and leaves, closing the door behind him.

You stare at your door motionless. 

You prayed to God that you sister wouldn’t hurt him, that she already didn’t hurt him.

You wanted to tell him how you feel, you did, _but it was wrong…_

_Right?_

_Was it wrong?_

_Of course, it was._

But he was right there, just outside that door. _Just one touch wouldn’t be so bad…_

You walk over to your front door and touch your doorknob.

_But he [she] wouldn’t touch you back. He [she] doesn’t feel the same way you do._

Little did you know that on the other side of your door Bucky was thinking the same exact things you were, his own hand wrapped around your doorknob.

* * *

 _Baby you know that I won't mind,_  
_If we get no rest, til' the sunrise._  
_I plan to love you all my life,_  
_Until you meet your_ **chariot.**

                                                        

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take It Back soundtrack now is on Spotify! I'm having troubles with the account right now, but I should have it up by tomorrow. If anything in the next chapter I will post a direct link to it. : ) again, I apologize for any typos. I promise one day eventually I will go back and fix everything, but i'm at a point right now where I'm just like you guys. I'm as eager to post as as you guys are to read it that I always miss some typos lol


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader and Bucky have revelations about their feelings. Reader and Ashlyn go wedding dress shopping. And guess who's back. *strong language* *mention of phone sex*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m on Tumblr Incase you guys are on there too :) my Tumblr is: allandoflimbo (two ‘l’s)

_Looking up from underneath_

_fractured moonlight on the sea_

_Reflections still look the same to me_

* * *

 

 

He stares at the bright florescent lights above him, the pale fingers of his left hand brushing up against the vomit colored curtains. The smell of an excess amount of rub on alcohol and disinfectant makes him feel sick to his stomach. It was obvious that they were trying to remove the stench of death as much as possible.

 

The roaring of the air conditioner under the window and the beeping of the heart monitor played over and over in his head like an evil mantra, reminding him of when he had been in the same position years ago when his own mother was dying of cancer. If you had asked him how he felt, he would be honest and say he felt fragile and that his life was in disarray and pieces. Life didn’t just give his mother cancer, it murdered his mother, chopped her into pieces with no disregard for human life. Life gave his father cancer as well, and once more, here was life taking someone else away from him.

 

He squeezes that hand that is holding his right one tightly. He remembers his childhood. He was definitely privileged growing up, that much was evident. A family of politicians and useful businessmen and inherited wealth- he never had much to complain about. Though aside from riches and privileges, he lived normally just like any other kid did. He had friends, he had a family, he had a first kiss, a first girlfriend, a first time. He had all those things that everyone always wished to experience until they did. But the ones that always spoke to him the most were the ones that were currently flowing through his mind as he took in another whiff of death.

 

The cold of the room turned into the heat of summer skies and the smell of rub on alcohol turned into caramel popcorn and hot dogs.

 

The sound of the crowd would captivate his tiny little ears and he would be in awe as he took in the scenery around him. Four-year-old Bucky never imagined that such a big amount of people could hold so much passion for one name, _Yankees_ and that so much emotion could be conveyed in a stadium. His little blue eyes would drift over the popcorn and the bacon on a stick and then the huge field below. The crowd would sing _New York, New York_ and by his fourth game that same year, he already knew all the words himself.

 

It would take him seconds to realize his dad was holding him tightly against his chest, singing the song in his ear and caressing his little arms.

 

_“Isn’t that cool, buddy? One day you’ll catch one of those little balls yourself.”_

 

_Bucky would smile up at his dad as he held onto his finger._

 

_His dad would look down at him and give him a kiss on his forehead, Bucky’s little blue eyes sparkling and opening as wide as they would go._

 

_“Yeah, papa.”_

 

His little innocent voice drowns out into a loud echo in his head. Opening his eyes, he blinks away from the bright lights and returns his gaze down to the hospital bed. The heart monitor had slowed down drastically.

 

The older man was pale and his eyes were sunken, head clear of any hair. He had stopped eating days ago, his body no longer being able to digest food properly, so his skin had become similar to an elastic, clinging onto his bones for any kind of nutrient it could find.

 

Bucky swallows thickly at the scene before him.

 

_papa._

 

His father was quickly deteriorating and it was taking a bigger impact on him that he thought it would.

 

He had experienced death with his mother, but this was different this time.

 

He wasn’t sure if it’s because the realization that he would now be parentless for the rest of his life (neither of his parents ever got the chance to see him get married or have a child) hit him, or if it was the sheer fact that the second his father escaped through his fingers, a piece of paper would be slid toward’s Bucky’s way giving him all rights to a multi-million dollar company, impacting thousands of lives.

 

All the power of Manhattan would be in his hands.

 

He thinks it’s probably a little bit of everything and that’s why he was trembling in fear. He didn’t want his father to die.

 

He remembers sitting by his mother’s side when she had been in the hospital and it had left him weak.

 

Sitting next to his father and watching the man struggle for breath, Bucky felt the same.

 

He was beyond scared.

 

He even began to doubt himself if he was good enough. Was he going to survive all this? Was he going to be able to handle everything that was going on in his life right now?

 

The reminder of _you_ makes his eyes drift up towards Ashlyn. The things you had said to him still resonated in his head.

 

Ashlyn stood directly across from Bucky on the other side of the bed. She was holding Mr. Barnes’ right hand and her big diamond rock seemed to stand out in the room in all its bright glory.

 

_Vindication._

 

Bucky watches intently as she caressed his father’s hand, her eyes brimming with tears.

 

“It’ll be okay darling.” Mr. Barnes had whimpered out, thumb running over the back of her hand. His eyes would scan back over to Bucky who had a blank look in his eyes, “You two will make a marvelous duo, I can bet you that.” Mr. Barnes made direct eye contact with Bucky, “I am so proud of you, my son.”

 

Bucky pursed his lips tightly together.

 

“I love you, dad.” Bucky had breathed out. Ashlyn reached out with her other hand to grab onto Bucky’s.

 

He reaches for it hesitantly. They stay that way for a few minutes.

 

When they walk out hand in hand, the nurse tells Bucky and Ashlyn that he needs to get some rest and that they will start him on morphine soon.

 

The words - rest, morphine, soon- it leaves him with a taste of bile on the top of his tongue. Bucky runs a hand down his face, exasperated.

 

Ashlyn pulls Bucky aside until they’re huddled in the corner of the waiting room.

 

“I don’t know if I can do this, Ash.” He breathes, avoiding eye contact with her.

 

Ashlyn pulls one of his hands off his face and holds it to her own. She kisses his palm tenderly, eyes shutting close.

 

He was her priority now.

 

“It’s okay, you’re just feeling a lot of emotions right now,” Bucky shakes his head quickly back and forth and Ashlyn moves in closer to him, giving him a tight hug, “Everything will be fine.”

 

Bucky nods against her shoulder.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You are good enough. _We_ are good enough.”

 

“I know, at least I think I know. It’s just hard, Ash. He’s my dad.”

 

Ashlyn scratches the back of his neck tenderly and sighs.

 

“You’ll get through this. I know you will.”

 

Something you had said to Bucky the other day still resonates with him and he decides to test it when he pulls back from Ashlyn and takes her face in his hands. He tenderly rubs his thumb over the top of her lip.

 

“Did the nurse say anything to you about how much time he has left?”

 

_She would know. She has grown closer to his own father than he has in years._

 

“I think three days, the most.”

 

Bucky’s eyes shut and he lets out a long breath.  
  
“Shit.”

 

“As long as you stay by his side, Bucky.”  
  
“I know but I still have a lot to get done before then, we both do.” He looks around the room and then back at Ashlyn,“You have to go get your dress today with Y/N and I have to finish reviewing the last few files left if I want to be ready for Monday. What if I’m not here when he goes? I need to be here, Ash.”

 

“Then you will. Look, we’ll both go do what we need to do, but he is priority at the end of the day, remember that.”

 

Bucky nods.

“Alright, so are you going to go today to pick up the dress?”  
  
“Yeah, but it’ll only be a few hours, at most. And then I have to go to city hall to go pick up some other civil paperwork, that should buy us both some time. We’ll both be done and we’ll come back together.”

 

Bucky narrows his eyes at her added task but he doesn’t question it.  
  
“Okay. Okay, yeah sounds good.”

 

* * *

 

_As before I went under..._

“To the left, you have the ball gowns, to the right A-line, and around the corner, you have your mermaid styles - columns and fit and flare. They are all separated by fabric and color. White, off white, beige, creme, etcetera,” The busty blonde lady looks down at Ashlyn, you, and Nat, “Was there something specific you had in mind? Mr. Barnes did say he left us with a budget of sixty thousand for the dress so we could even consider looking at the exclusive ball gowns for this season.”

 

You and Nat share a raised brow. You weren’t sure if you were caught off guard by how many words the lady was able to spew out in less than five seconds or that Bucky had given them a sixty grand budget for a _dress._

 

 _Jesus fucking hell, Barnes._ And it had to be a _Michael Cinco_ piece.

 

Ashlyn looked unaffected as she looked through the lens of her Dolce sunglasses and then pushing it up over her forehead, a look that lacked no-confidence over her face.

 

She angled her chin upwards, tightening her grasp on her bag.

 

“I’d like to see the Columns styles, please.”

 

“Of course. This way, miss y/l/n.”

 

You and Nat both followed down the beautiful hallway.

 

Truth was, the second you walked into the store, you felt your heart clench inside of your chest. You weren’t sure if it was because you were jealous that, once again, someone you knew was getting married and not you, or if it was the one thing you didn’t want to admit.

 

When you all walked into the well air-conditioned room, your eyes had immediately darted to the overwhelming amount of wedding dresses that circled around you. It was flaunting, it was like a damn punch to your gut.

 

This was no longer a theoretical situation or something that was hypothetical. This right here, your sister marrying Bucky, was real. And of course, she had asked you to be her maid of honor.

 

After your outrageous argument with Bucky, things seemed to have strangely clicked into place. Maybe it was because you finally got off your chest your feelings about your sister’s intentions, but whatever it was while yes, Bucky was still going through with the wedding, things weren’t as tense between you two anymore.

 

You weren’t angry with him as much as you just loved him. You had realized that your love for him overcame any negative feelings you had towards your sister. Yes, you were more than angry and upset that he was _settling,_ but if it made him happy, then so be it. You loved him and his happiness mattered the most to you.

 

Which is why you were damn afraid of him getting hurt.

 

You wanted him, but it was one-sided. _She_ had met _him_ first.

 

Your eyes flicker to the ball gowns as you walk past them. You never understood how a girl could get married in anything but a ball gown - it was the classic princess dress. They were beautiful and so damn pretty.

 

You feel a lump in your throat as a few of them catch your eyes…you never understood why a girl would spend such an amount of money on a dress just for a boy. You never understood the obscurity of a wedding, of a day dedicated to two people because you loved them, you never understood it until you met Bucky Barnes.

 

 _So damn pretty._ You repeat over and _over_ again.

 

You’re walking past hundred of dresses when suddenly a distinctive dress catches your eye.

 

It’s a small blonde girl, her curls cascade down her back, and she’s standing on-top the circled platform as her friends sit around her, praising her dress and how beautiful she looked. You had also frozen in your spot, captivated by the glorious gown.

 

Finally, you understood the big hype over a wedding dress and it made you want to cry.

 

_Why couldn’t it be you?_

 

The dress had a curved back, diamonds circling around the cut. Down the back were diamond designs, the folding in the dress was lined with them. It started at the was it and it cascaded towards the floor, stretching a couple of feet across the floor. It was a princess dress that screamed money and lust.

 

It was the sexiest yet most elegant representation of love for two souls that you had ever seen.

 

You didn’t realize you had tears brewing in your eyes until the bride to be looked up, her eyes meeting yours. You smile shyly at her and she smiles back at you, a smile so bright you become envious of it.

 

You wonder if you will one day be that happy.

 

“Y/N?”

 

Your head snaps around and you see Nat a couple of feet ahead of you. She looks at you waiting and confused.

 

“You okay?”  
  
You clear your throat and nod, “Yeah. I’m fine.”

 

The column dresses are beautiful. Not what you would’ve gone for your wedding day, but beautiful nonetheless. Your sister tries on dress after dress, spinning around the platform.

 

“Guys, I really love this one.”

 

“It’s okay, I feel like you could do better.”  
  
“It’s kinda skanky.”

 

Next.

 

“I don’t like the way this one makes my ass look."  
  
You perk a brow.

 

“It looks fine.”  
  
“Don’t you have any maybe like off white dresses or something a little more extra?” Nat suggests.

 

“What do you mean?” Ashlyn asks, hands on her hips. It was obvious everyone was exhausted after Ashlyn already trying out thirty dresses and yet none of them caught their attention.

 

You were already skimming on your phone for the closest Popeyes while Nat’s hair was a partial disaster from running her hands through it so much.

 

“I don’t know, none of these really screams wedding to me.”

 

“What are you talking about, these are wedding dresses, guys.”  
  
“I think what Nat means is none of these have really said ‘ _this is it. This is the dress that’s going to change my life’_ ya know? Like this isn’t supposed to make you feel like you’re buying a prom dress, Ash. You have to find something that,” You think about the feeling you had when you saw _The_ dress, “You have to find something that sums up why you are doing what you are doing. A dress that will make you cry because it’s the dress that you were made to wear since you were a little girl.”

 

Ashlyn’s eyes soften as she takes in your words, the sides of her mouth perking into a small smile. She nods and calls the lady from before over.

 

A few minutes later, the lady comes over to Ashlyn’s dressing room and knocks on her doors, three dresses in her left hand.

 

Nervously, you try to peak at the dresses in her hands.

 

You knew deep inside that the moment your sister found the dress that not only would she cry, but so would you.

 

And shit, did she find the damn dress.

 

It had Ashlyn written all over it. Ashlyn and Bucky: Money and power.

 

It was a column style dress made entirely of lace. It glued onto Ashlyn’s body as if it was made for her, emphasizing all her gorgeous curves. It was her and it symbolized perfectly everything she wanted.

 

You knew it was the dress moment she walked out in it because the tears in the back of your throat burned you. It burned your throat and it burned your heart.

 

It hadn’t become more official until now. Your heart broke as you realized you’ve lost your fucking chance. It was the worst thing you could feel on your sister’s special day, but it was exactly what you felt.

 

You wanted him to be yours, you should have met him first.

 

But it didn’t happen, and because of that, your sister was marrying Bucky.

 

When she turned around to look in the mirror and her eyes filled with tears, your heart broke.

 

So what your sister is a materialistic bitch and can be selfish at times, she was one hundred percent in this wedding with all her heart and here you were wishing you could take it all away from her.

 

You were a bad person, an _awful_ person.

 

Regret and guilt eat away at your stomach.

 

“This is it. This is the dress.”

* * *

_And it's peace in the deep_

_Catherdral was you cannot breathe_

 

Bucky’s body feels sluggish and slow as he walks over to the large window in his office.

 

He looks out into the city, heavy hands in his pants pocket as the harsh rain pallets hit sideways against the glass window. The towers shine bright against the dark grey sky and his chest feels heavy, guilt eating at his heart as he feels the need to grab his car keys and drive back to the hospital next to his father’s side.

 

His mouth turns to drown into a small snarl as your words from the other day replay in his head. Specifically, the ones about Ashlyn and his father.

 

He didn’t believe you about the will thing. At least, he couldn’t.

 

Obviously, if he thought it was true, he wouldn’t accept it. It’s why he didn’t overreact at the moment. It had crossed his mind late at night when he would lay in his empty bed. He would text Ashlyn as she laid in some hotel in Paris, trying to at least attempt some phone sex with her - anything- but she would never reply. Of course, it had entered his mind.

 

It wasn’t that he didn’t trust you, he knew you had nothing but good intentions, but it just felt too crazy to believe. You must’ve read the paper wrong, or there was some kind of misconception. But for his fiancé to have crawled into his father’s heart deep enough for her name to be on his will before Bucky’s?

 

It just wasn’t possible.

 

And if it were true, how did she win such a position? Nothing made sense to Bucky as he swallows a heavy lump in his throat, another jolt of thunder rumbling through the walls. A shot of lightning shoots through the sky as Bucky spins on this heel and faces the darkroom.

 

He hadn’t even bothered turning on the lights when he came in. It was after hours and everyone had mostly gone home anyway. He had barely gotten anything on the last file finished, his mind had traveled to you and your damn accusing words. To you and your beautiful mouth…

 

He had slid the papers off his desk in anger, getting up from his chair, breathing heavy and sharp.

 

He was unsure of what his next step in life would be, he felt like he was constantly digging himself a bigger hole. And now with his father’s death, it was about to get even bigger. The thought of it all made him shake in fear.

 

He was not ready.

 

It didn’t help that every other thought that entered his mind was always of you.

 

**It was always you.**

 

 _no need to pray no need to speak_  
****

_now I am under all_

 

Without a second thought, and with a huff, he walks over to his desk and opens the bottom drawer.Kneeling down on one knee, he opens it. The drawer squeaks loudly against the coils as if daunting his mind even more- accusing him even more of being mentally unfaithful.

 

Inside the drawer lies the little plush blue toy, the one that made his heart sore and wants to leave everything behind for _you._

 

When he opened the drawer he got the same feeling that he had when he opened that birthday box- you were his sweetheart. 

 

His throat closes up sharply again as he reaches down on his other knee to grab the little teddy bear.

 

You knew what that little teddy meant to him, how it was his life when he was a little boy. Your gesture showed and further proved that you had given him that gift with intent. It wasn’t just an ordinary gift, you could’ve have gotten him anything, but instead, you got him an exact replica of boo bear. Everything that summed up the real him, the best times in his life. You had overlooked all the bad, all the obvious details, and instead went for the sentiment. For Value.

 

He knew what it meant and you damn well knew it too.

 

He doesn’t understand you and him, and he wonders if he someday he will. He wonders if he will ever tell you how he feels about it, about you, if it was even worth it. He wonders if it would change anything, _if maybe..._

 

He clears his throat as he takes in a deep breath, closing the drawer back up.

 

Your argument the other day had left him feeling a way he hadn’t before that. When he had gone to your house to kiss you, it had been different. He wanted to kiss you because you had literally melted his heart.

 

When he had stared at your front door after your argument, he wanted to rip it back open and kiss you because he couldn’t take it anymore. It was no longer a need, but a hunger.

 

He hated that you didn’t give him your blessing, he hated that you were pointing out all of his insecurities and all his doubts, but he damn loved you for it too.

 

He couldn’t stop thinking about how your lips would feel against his, your little fingers wrapped around his because oh you were so damn tiny and he noticed it from the moment he met you. From the moment he saw you he knew he could lift you up so easily and do all kinds of things to you that would make him the worst man on the planet.

 

He hated how you had him wrapped around your little finger, but he loved it all the same.

 

It made him so furious.

 

He knew you didn’t feel the same, you were leading him on and not even realizing it.

 

He knew that _that_ was the only thing holding him back.

 

The reality of it makes him want to scream and throw the laptop off his desk so it could join the paper on the floor.

 

If you loved him,he now knew that he would leave it all just for you.

 

He’s about to start thinking about the past year and a half that had led you both up to this point when he gets a phone call.

 

His phone vibrates in his pocket and he pulls it out. When he recognizes the phone number on the screen, he feels his gut grow hot.

 

“Hello?” His voice is hesitant.

 

“Is this James?”

 

“Yes. Yes, it is. Can I help you?”

 

He doesn’t know why he asks, he knows what it’s about. But he does so anyway.

 

“James, this is doctor John from New York-Presbyterian.”

 

He doesn’t say anything.

 

“I’m calling to inform you that unfortunately, your father began to deteriorate faster than we thought. He took a turn for the worst about two hours ago but we were hoping to keep him stable until we called you in. Mr, Barnes, he passed away about five minutes ago."

 

Bucky’s left frozen as he stares at the wall across from him, slowly moving from his kneeled position to sit up against the wall, knees bent against his chest.

 

Bucky tells the nice doctor that he understands and thanks him and the rest of the conversation is a heavy blur. His hand that hold his phone drops to his side.

 

He’s stunned.

 

He couldn’t believe that in just one fraction of a second everything could be just gone, and yet at the same time have it all in the palm of his hands.

 

As if a coincidence, the object in his hands vibrates once more. This time it’s a different phone number.

 

He feels the tears building in his throat, the coincidence too overbearing for his heart to handle. Of course, the one person he needed the most at the moment decides to call him.

 

When he picks up, your velvety voice sends a shock through his heart.

 

“Hey,” you start softly, “it’s me. I just - I wanted to apologize Bucky.”

 

His vision is still blurring and his mind is blank. Silence.

 

“I shouldn’t have said a lot of those rude things to you, I mean, even though I did mean them, I shouldn’t have. It’s your wedding,”

 

You meant every word this time.

 

_And it's breaking over me_

_A thousand miles down to the sea bed_

 

Bucky’s eyes close tight together at the sound of your voice. He throws his head back against the wall. Grip on his phone tight. “ and she’s going, she’s going to be your wife Bucky.”

 

Bucky’s eyes open slightly. His gaze is glossy, salty tears brimming them.Your voice was so sweet and he hurt so bad.

 

“So I shouldn’t have been that nasty with you. So, I’m sorry, Bucky. You’re my best friend and I don’ wanna make you upset. Especially for your wedding.”

 

He still hasn’t said anything and your eyes narrow as you look at the times for train departures on the screen at Grand Central.

 

“Bucky, are you there?”

 

You hear his breathing hitch.

 

Bucky licks his bottom lip as he looks up towards the ceiling. A soft sob escapes his throat.

 

He no longer knew.

 

“Bucky, what’s going on?”

 

Every bad possible scenario enters your mind. Was he cutting you off again? Did you go too far this time? Was everything okay with Ashlyn? As much as you disliked her at this point in time, she was still your sister.

 

“Bucky, please...”

 

Your plead makes a low whine escape his throat. Your hand comes up to your mouth nervously.

 

What was going on?

 

This time would be different than last time. If he wanted to leave you again he would have to do it in person. Confidently, you walk back towards the exit of the station and to the direction of his office.

 

“I’m going there now.”

 

Your Uber drive to his office is an emotional blur. Your little hands shake slightly against your phone in your lap.

 

So many scenarios entered your mind and you even considered maybe messaging Ashlyn, but you thought better against that for now.

 

The Uber drops you off and the parking garage is chilly. You hear the thunder rumble as you run towards the elevator. You take it up to the lobby and there you great Lucy the receptionist who has grown fond of you the last few months after you were there so often. She was used to you now and she knew you and Barnes were good friends so she always let you on up.

 

You take the main elevator to the top floor where you knew Bucky would be.

 

This was it. It was either make or break moment in your lives.

 

Your feet seemed to be moving on its own as they run you to his door at the end of the hallway. You were thankful that the floor was empty, everyone went home for the night.

 

This allows you the moment to knock loudly on his door without a care.

 

It takes a couple of good seconds for him to open the door and the moment you see his face, any trace of anger or suspicion is gone.

 

You’ve never seen Bucky cry before, and the sight of it tore you in half. Your face falls, and naturally, your body pulls into his. Your right-hand goes to his face.

 

This is the first time you’ve ever touched him where it wasn’t his hand. Except there is no trace of romantic in it or anything out of line, this is out of love and empathy.

 

His face is hot against your palm and you’re stunned by how perfect his skin feels under your hand. You feel your heart hammering away inside of you, your little fingers curing against his face. One of your little fingers land just below his eye and you see a tear roll off the tip of his eyelash, his gaze still down at the floor below him.

 

He sniffs slightly and you brush the teardrop away from his flushed cheek.

 

Speechless, you shake your head to yourself in disbelief and pull his body into yours into a tight hug.

 

You feel him shake slightly beneath you.

 

“He’s gone.”

 

The realization hits you and your eyes close tightly together. His body feels warm against yours as you let him hold you tight. Blindly, you wrap your arm around to close the door behind you both, allowing you two some privacy. Even though you two were alone on the entire floor, this needed its own privacy.

 

This wasn’t meant to be shared with the outside world.

 

“Do they know?”

 

He knew you were asking about everyone else in the world.

 

“Not yet, I think. It was a few minutes ago.” He sniffs hard, “Shit. It was a few minutes ago and I fucking missed it!”

 

You pull away and put your hand against his chest, feeling his heavy heartbeat against your hand. His face was red and flushed.

 

“Hey. Look at me,” Your hand goes once more to his cheek, pulling his face to look at you, “It’s gonna be okay. Breathe. I’m so sorry, but you need to breathe.”

 

“I fucking missed it, Y/N.” He sobs silently.

 

You had never seen him cry and the sight of it makes you want to cry too. You whimpered slightly as you wipe away more of his tears.

 

“Please breathe.” You whisper, your mouth wet from fresh tears that had fallen onto them.

 

Bucky nods quickly.

 

“Let’s sit down, okay?”

 

You take his hand in yours and drag him over to the side of the wall. You both sit down against it.

 

He instinctually wraps his left arm around your waist and you nuzzle down against him.

 

You pull him up against you as your left arm goes around him, pulling him tighter to you.

 

You both stay light that for a few minutes while you allow him to cry.

 

“I’m so scared. I don’t know if I can do this.”

 

He says suddenly. He chest rumbles when he talks and it vibrates against your ribs.

 

Your drag your left arm so that it lays on his chest and you rub him there softly in small circles. He loves the way your little hand feels against him and it sends warmth throughout his body.

 

“You’ll be fine. Do you know why you’ll be fine? Because you’re the smartest man I know. You are wise. You are strong, and you will get through this.”

 

His eyes open slightly as he looks down at you.

 

“I’m all alone, y/n.”

 

“You have Ashlyn, Bucky. And you have me. And Steve, Sam, Nat,” you look up at him. The way he looked to you right now looked sinful. His lips were red from being overly bitten and crying, and his gorgeous features never looked more perfect to you. Fuck. You never wanted him more in your life, You never wanted to care for someone more, to love anyone more. Your left-hand leaves his chest to his face.

 

When you touch his face for the third time that night, his eyes finally snap to yours.

 

Something happened at that moment that had never happened before. Unspoken words were shared between you two, words that you never had the courage to say before. Now, this wasn’t platonic, nothing about this moment right now was safe or innocent.

 

Your heart beats away madly in your chest as you trace his features once more. (would you ever be able to not do to that?)

 

Bucky’s lips open slightly as you trace them with your hand. Your hand stops there as your eyes flicker up to meet his.

 

You thought he would look scared or confused, but he looked the exact opposite. He looked at you like he wanted this just as much as you and the reality of it leaves you fucking breathless.

 

“All your friends who care about you so much.” You finish off almost so quietly he can’t almost hear it.

 

A strong and exasperated breath escapes Bucky’s breath as this moment leaves his breathless and even more emotional. He wanted you.

 

You had no idea how bad he wanted you right then and there. He didn’t even care anymore that you didn’t feel the same. Just one damn kiss…

 

He looks down to your own lips.

 

“Look at me.” He looks up at your eyes.

 

You take your hands off his soft lips as you set yourself up a little higher, his arms not even slacking off your body, still keeping you up against him. He watches your every move cautiously.

 

Once you’re sit up, you have to look away from his face because you have never been in such close proximity with it before and it leaves you burning.

 

Bucky watches as you look away from him and a whine escapes his lips, his lips puckering. A small growl escapes his throat and it makes your head snap at him in surprise. The sound was something you had never heard from another man before. You didn’t know what that sound was.

 

When you look back at him, he has the side of your face in his hand and he’s giving you a pleading look.

 

“Bucky,” Your voice comes out shaking.

 

The hammering in your chest becomes unbearable and so does the heat of his hand against your cheek when there’s a knock.

 

Bucky’s hand quickly drops off your face as his eyes drift up to his office door.

 

You swallow down hard, your left hand going to your cheek where his hand just was.

 

What just happened?

 

You quickly look over to where Bucky is walking and suddenly he stops. You look up at him, eyes questioning.

 

He looks over his shoulder at you, “Come on.” He gestures to you with his hand for you to join him at his side.

 

Still confused, and your heart still hammering away, you get up off the floor and stand next to him.

 

Both of you have questions swirling around inside your heads. Bucky is screaming at himself for his moment of weakness. How could he have almost done that? Did you feel the same? You were leaning in…

 

Meanwhile, you were also confused because he didn’t have feelings for you. So what was that moment you both just shared? Do ‘friends’ do that kind of thing?

 

So many questions linger in the air as Bucky reaches his arm out to open the door.

 

When he does, both of you are met with another set of blue eyes, this time there’s a speckle of green in them.

 

“Steve,” Bucky says curiously.

 

He looks between you and Bucky. You hadn’t seen Steve since the party, and it was obvious he was not too happy with you after finding out about you and Loki.

 

Bucky knew that it didn’t look good, Steve catching you here with him.

 

He swallows down the immense anger and _jealousy_ he feels as he hands Bucky a piece of paper with a clip at the top.

 

Bucky looks up at him confused.

 

“It’s time,” Steve says simply.

_And the arms of the ocean are carrying me_

_And all this devotion was rushing out of me_

_And the crashes are heaven, for a sinner like me_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you guys like this story you should check out my stories Ashens! That was the baby that inspired this baby to come out. That one will be my main focus again once I’m done with this guy. If you guys like Divergent/50 shades that kind of stuff, you’ll really enjoy it. I promise. Please give it a try! :)


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve confronts the reader about their situation. Bucky is finally the CEO and he finds out about Ashlyn and his father's decision that he left behind on his will. Bucky and Reader interact once more. ** Strong language. **

_Set your dreams where nobody hides_  
_Give your tears to the tide_

* * *

 

 

Steve doesn’t even give you a second glance as he walks across the room over to Bucky’s desk. He tries not to make it obvious that he’s uncomfortable, but you notice the way he strides in too confidently, throwing you an indirect shade with a side glance.

You and Bucky, still trying to mentally recover from the moment you two just shared, watched as he leaned over the table, supporting himself on one arm. With the other, he reaches across the desk to grab a pen that lay’s next to Bucky’s laptop.

Bucky throws you an additional glance. He still doesn’t understand what had just happened. He knew he had almost kissed you, but you hadn’t pulled away. If anything, you had leaned in yourself.

You touched him.

His heart was still in a fragile state, he tells himself. He looks down at the paper the Steve handed to him, his eyes scanning over the words.

You try to peak an eye at it over his shoulder, curious as soon as his entire demeanor changed. Minutes ago he had been sad, broken, and he had looked the closest to what you had always hoped for - love as he looked at you.

But now, he was aggravated.

“They couldn’t even wait until his body was cold?” Bucky spats as he waves the paper in his right hand, looking up to meet Steve’s eyes.

It doesn’t take much for you to realize what he’s holding.

Steve looked pissed and tired as he peaks an eye at Bucky. Steve straightens his back out as he beats one finger repeatedly down on the table.

“They can’t wait. This has to be done now,” Steve’s eyes drift over to you, he looks you up and down with a raised brow. His gaze is intense and you blush furiously. Not from his stare itself, but from embarrassment. His look was accusing and his words only further confirm that, “unless this isn’t a good time.”

Bucky seethes as he walks over to Steve, his bright teeth in a tight line.

Steve’s eyes are still on you and you felt a tremor go through your body. You felt awful and most importantly guilty, knowing exactly why he was pissed. You didn’t blame him, he had every right.

You look away from his eyes swallowing hard. You wanted to be swallowed down into a dark hole.

“It's just you? Where’s everyone else that has to be present to watch me sign this damn thing?” Bucky asks Steve once he’s in front of him.

Steve finally looks away from you and down at the paper in his best friend’s hand.

“This is just page one, the one that will hand everything over to you. As soon as this is signed, it’ll all be yours. No formalities. The other important stuff will be later, when it’s time to sign all that, we will have a board meeting. This is nothing compared to all of that.” Steve taps the pen against Bucky’s chest as Bucky glares at him. They knew the real reason there was tension in the room and it had nothing to do with his father’s death, “So, yeah, Buck. It’s just me.”

Bucky takes a deep breath as he snatches the pen out of Steve’s hand.

The silence in the room is overbearing, your heart was still beating in your ears and the only sounds were that of the distant thunder in the skies above you and the scuffling of the mahogany desk as Bucky wrote down his signature.

“I’m sorry, Buck.” Steve finally says once he’s finished. Bucky looks away as he clears his throat, not wanting to make eye contact.

“We all saw it coming. Nothing we weren’t ready for.” Steve nods as he pulls the paper off Bucky’s desk after realizing Bucky wasn’t even going to attempt to hand it over himself.

“I need to splash some water on my face or something,” Bucky mumbles under his breath as he pushes himself off his desk. He doesn’t even give you a second look as he walks past you towards the bathroom.

He needed air.

You could still feel the ends of your hair standing up and the heat of your blood on your face as he brushed up against you.

Once it’s just you and Steve in the room, the tension is thick. Steve had noticed the way your breath caught when Bucky walked past you. His heart sunk and his blood boiled simultaneously. This wasn’t how things were supposed to go.

Steve’s looking at you disapprovingly and you look away in utter shame. You had been so transparent in front of him, so disloyal as a friend.

He watches you intently, begging with his eyes for you to talk to him, as you walk over to where your purse was against the wall. But you don’t.

You swing it over your shoulder and then turn around to leave.

You needed air. You needed to think.

“Y/n, wait.”

You freeze in your spot. His tone is pleading, his hand on your upper arm is strong.

You closed your eyes tight together.

When you turn around to face him, the only words that come out are: “I’m sorry.”

Because you were. You didn’t mean for any of this to happen.

Steve narrows his eyes at you, mouth gaping.

  
“What’s going on, y/n? I don’t understand.”

You look everywhere except for him, the indiscretion eats away at you.

“What do you want me to say?” You say shamefully, settling for looking at the grown.

He looks at you for a beat and then chuckles in disbelief, but there’s a very evident sound of heartbreak underneath it. He looks away from you and to the wall, “What do I want you to say?” He looks back down at the ground and shakes his head, “I’m not begging for anything, y/n. I never pressured you into anything,” he looks back up at your beautiful face, “It just doesn’t make sense to me,” Steve scoffs as he pulls his arm off you, “You told me you didn’t want to be with me because you weren’t ready for a relationship, but then I find out that a few days after you told me that, that you were with Loki? I don’t understand.”

You’re silent because you yourself don’t have a direct answer. You were a mess.

He notes you have no response so he continues, “Is it something I said? Is it me? Because if it is, please just tell me, because what you’re doing is unfair.”

You swallow hard, the lump in your throat growing dry. Finally, you look up at him, your eyes red, brimming with tears.

Steve takes in a deep breath, his eyes suddenly soften to more than when he first came in.

“If it’s someone else that has your heart-“ he whispers, his heart slowly falling into his stomach at the thought of you and Loki, or worst, you and his best friend. His best friend who knew that he, Steve, had always wanted you.

“Steve,” you interrupt him, not letting him go there, “I meant what I said when I had told you that I wasn’t ready. This thing with me and Loki, it was just me testing out the waters. Getting out there again. It had been so long since I had been with someone. I don’t want to jump into a relationship with you just because it feels like something fun we could do. I didn’t lie to you.”

He stares at you and considers your answer for a second. He should believe you, and for a second he buys it, but he sees the lingering look of doubt on your face and he wonders if even you believe your own answer.

He clears his throat and looks around the room before returning his gaze to you. This time you meet his eyes.

“Why were you here?” He asks strongly.

You furrow your brows together.

“What?”

What was he implying?

“Why were you here with Bucky?”

You feel your heart in your throat, the thrumming of it is in your ears and your shame comes out in the form of anger and annoyance, “Because he’s our best friend, because I was worried when I called him earlier. I showed up and he was crying. I don’t know what else you’re thinking, Steve.”

Steve scoffs under his breath. Fucking _bullshit_.

You catch his negative attitude in an instant and you’re lost and so very confused.

“What’s going on, Steve?”

Steve bites his lip, shaking his head back and forth as if in denial.

“Steve,” Steve doesn’t say anything. You move up closer to him, taking his hand in yours. He’s surprised by your gesture and he looks back up at you.

For a second he even forgets what he was mad about. You’re absolutely beautiful and he was so close to having you as his. He swallows hard, recognizing that he hasn’t been this close to you since New Years.

“Steve.”

He swallows hard.

He looks into your eyes and he continues softly, “You told me to wait for you, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. If you’re going to back on your word do it now,” his eyes go to your lips, “If there’s something else that should make me not wait for you, please tell me so I can walk out of here right now. The last thing I want is for you to hurt me on false hope.”

You feel your throat close up sharply at his strong pleading words. You gulp.

“You’re asking a lot of me.” You practically whimper out, your hands both shaking.

“I’m really _really not_. You told me that the only reason you didn’t want us to happen was because of time. Aside from time, I see no other reason as to why you wouldn’t want to be with me, why we can’t happen. I’m not holding anything against you, y/n. Just don’t lead me on. I don’t want to give one hundred percent of my heart to you just to later find out that you weren’t really in it. If you’re going to hurt me, I’d have you rather do it now than later on.”

His words are begging - they’re desperate. You see it in his eyes how much he’s begging you not to hurt him and it makes you hurt.

You don’t know what else to do except wrap your hands around his neck, hugging him tightly to you.

You feel his large hand pressing up against your back.

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you.” You tell him.

He believes you, but as his eyes follow the gaze out into the hallway where Bucky just went, he’s not so sure.

But he accepts your answer.

* * *

 

Ashlyn had met Bucky at the hospital about an hour after the phone call. After Bucky had time to freshen up in the bathroom, washing away any feelings that he could, he called Ashlyn up to tell her of the news. She was distraught and extremely saddened, letting him know that she’d be on her way to the hospital soon.

After staring at his reflection long enough in the mirror and convincing himself into thinking he was a good man, Bucky walked back to his office to let you and Steve know he was headed to the hospital. He didn’t allow his gaze to lock on you for too long. It was dangerous.

You both knew very well what had just happened and it had to be buried down as much as possible.

Ashlyn had run into Bucky’s arm as he hugged her tight. They spoke to the doctors about what would happen next and then they spoke among themselves regarding the funeral and memorial services.

It was that night while they’re in Mr. Barnes’ office that Ashlyn asks a strange question about his father’s will. This makes Bucky’s head snap up immediately. He had just gotten off the phone with the funeral director and she was already asking about the will.

The will you were telling him about.

“Probably tonight. Fury’s coming over to sit down with us over what goes on from here,” Bucky looks around his father’s (now HIS) office. There were boxes all over the place filled with Mr. Barnes’ personal belongings. Bucky didn’t have the heart in him yet to move it out and move his own stuff in its place. He looks up at Ashlyn curiously, who is sitting leg crossed in front of him, her tight skirt halfway up her thighs.

Bucky swallows hard.

“Why?”

“No reason, I had discussed some things with him and I just want to talk to you about it as well, before you freak out.”

Bucky clears his throat. “What kind of changes?”

“I’m not even sure yet, he didn’t fully disclose me on it.”

Ashlyn’s hand seductively went to the top button of her blouse. She played with it as she bit on her pen with the other hand.

Bucky looked away quickly and down at the paper on his desk. The last thing to be signed was the agreements with Hank and Tony Stark documents that the company had recently adjoined.

Bucky signs his line below next to CEO.

This was only the document that approved that he’d now be the one taking charge on their meetings.

Bucky continues to file through the paper, proud that he had finally done everything that he needed to. Bucky clears his throat as he notices Ashlyn’s skirt still riding up deliberately.

“I’m having Steve and Sam help me load up my stuff from my apartment to the moving truck this afternoon, but my lease isn’t up until the month after the wedding. I’m thinking of staying there until the week of the wedding and then closing it out when we’re at my father’s place. I’ll have some stuff moved in, but not everything.”

“Why don’t you just cut the lease?” Bucky sighed as he closed his laptop, “It’s money, sweetheart. I’m not my father. Just because it’s pocket change to me doesn’t mean it is to someone else.”

The silence in the room is overbearing.

Bucky sighs.

“Anyway, the penthouse is ours. Did you want to already move in? I can have them stop by your place to have them pick up your stuff.”

Ashlyn doesn’t tell Bucky that she knows damn well where the penthouse is and that she’s slept in it countless of times. The guilt eats her alive as she watches her fiancé’s eyes on her.

She needed to make this work, she had to leave the past behind. That was her and his father’s idea to make this company thrive.

_“You are the angel we had been waiting for, love. He needs you to make this work. He won’t know how and he will never need to know.”_

_“Am I a bad girl, Mr. Barnes?”_

_“Very bad, honey, very bad. But that’s why you’re so good, and why you will be perfect for him.”_

_“I don’t like cheating.”_

_“Don’t think of it as cheating, Ashlyn. This is a business. The only reason Bucky wouldn’t understand is that he’s not a businessman. He works too much with his heart. It has his perks, but unfortunately, it could make you guys lose it all. I will teach you the ways.”_

_“And if he finds out?”_

_“He won’t. Before you know it, you’ll love it and it won’t even bother you anymore.”_

Ashlyn sits on the edge of Bucky’s desk as she leans over him. Her top button had become undone and Bucky’s eyes drifted down to her plunging cleavage.

Ashlyn knew what she was doing and she knew how hot he was for her right now. They hadn’t had sex in a while.

While, sure, his heart was somewhere else right now, but he was still a man. Maybe what he needed was to relieve some of the tension he was feeling because of you…

His tongue darts out to lick the top of lips.

“Yeah, baby,” she crossed her right leg over her left one, giving his eyes access to her tan legs, “That’s fine.” She whispers.

He doesn’t even remember what they were talking about anymore.

“Baby its been so long.” She whispers, following her fingers down to the second button of her shirt.

As much as his dick wanted to, as much as that carnal part of him wanted to fuck her on his desk, fuck the aggravation from not having you, fuck it out of his system - he bit his lip and looked away.

“As much as I’d love to christen my dead father’s office, we have a lot of stuff we have to get done.” Ashlyn huffs.

“You’re really not considering this whole abstinence thing until marriage are you?”

* * *

 

It’s morbid, it’s something no one really wants to do, but it’s necessary.

Bucky sits around a large wooden table along with three other people and Ashlyn. After he had done his homework, he was familiar with them before they even had to introduce themselves.

The young woman had medium length hair and piercing eyes. A warm smile. She wore a tight grey tailored suit and short heels. Wanda Maximoff, the Chief financial officer.

Next to her sat a man in his early sixties. He wore a dark blue suit and his hair was a dark black shade. His name was Nick Fury, the current COO.

Next to him was the operations manager, a younger gentleman with a knack for sarcasm and uncomfortable jokes but knowledgable nonetheless. Operations Manager, Mr. Scott Lang.

They all talked for a bit until it was time to sign the supposed “documentation”.

  
Scott slides a paper over to Bucky. Bucky already has his pen in hand, ready to sign his life away.

“This is the bank information, which will allow all revenues and incomes to be automatically deposited into your accounts. This is all of your father’s assets which have been passed down to you.” Scott adds.

Nick hands Bucky a folder. “This is the contact information for all of your departments, these are all the names of important people which you will contact daily,”

“Confidential are on page A3 to A8.” He adds.

“I’m sure Steve Rogers already gave you the ownership form correct?” Fury asks.

“Yes. Yes, he did.” Bucky nods.

“Perfect. Since your wife will be co-owner as well,” Scott says while smiling up at Ashlyn, “we do have an additional official form that will be needed to be signed with the vice president and other officials present. For that, we will have to wait until after the wedding, per the request of Mr. George Barnes.”

“That’s fine.” Bucky agrees, maintaining eye contact with Lang and giving Ashlyn’s hand a squeeze.

“Now, onto the will.” Fury announces, pulling out a skinnier folder.

“Everything is yours obviously,” Fury starts, “He’s left you codes to all his private locks, his private information, and all the material things he’s passed down. We’re talking assets worth millions. To which, inside this folder, you will see additional information in regards to those and others that you can later ask Mr. Lang about, since not every item could be listed here.”

There’s a long silent pause in the room before Fury looks between Bucky and Ashlyn. He crosses his hands on the table in front of him and clears his throat, “Mr. Barnes, your father had added one information regarding behalf of Miss Ashlyn.”

Ashlyn bites her bottom lip nervously.

“It’s a prenup that’s already been signed by Miss. y/l/n,” Ashlyn avoids looking at Bucky as soon as his head snaps to look at her, “and has to be obeyed by Mr. George Barnes’ request in his will. It says that in any given situation if you two were to separate, the majority of the profits of Barnes’ industry will be given to Ashlyn. Under no circumstance will only you be given full responsibility, unless in the result of a death.”

For a fraction of a second, Bucky’s world stops. His mouth is stuck open, and his hand that was holding Ashlyn’s slacks. A short laugh of disbelief leaves his lips. Wanda looks down at the table below her and Scott looks between all of them at the sudden tension, his eyebrow perking up.

Bucky looks at Ashlyn for confirmation and then at Fury and then at the paper.

“I-i’m sorry, what?” He shakes his head, “That’s not-"

“But what's to worry about, Bucky?”

  
Ashlyn interrupts him.

When he looks at her, this time his face is furious. He couldn’t believe that Ashlyn would do something like that.

He’s pissed that she had the audacity to look up at him smiling, an over-optimistic tone in her voice. But he was anything but fucking optimistic. He felt nauseous. “We’re not going to be divorced. I would never divorce you. And you would never leave me. So there’s nothing to worry about.”

He shakes his head, still not believing in her betrayal. He was shocked and speechless.

And his own father was behind this?

“But why? I mean, why do you want the majority of the profits? I just don’t comprehend why you two would come up with this decision.”

“Bucky. He’s the one who decided this.” Her tone is perky and he doesn’t buy it for a second. He feels disgusted as he lets go of her hand.

“You told me that there are things you discussed with him. What did you two hide, Ash?”

  
Ashlyn swallows nervously. She looks between everyone at the table, suddenly feeling awkward, and she tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear.

  
“Nothing, Bucky. We just figured it’d be the best choice for you. I don’t understand why you are getting so angry over this,” she adds nervous chuckle, “it’s only if we were to divorce. It’s only under the worst-case scenario.”

“It just doesn’t make sense to me. You don’t know how to run a company, Ashlyn.”

“I trust you, Bucky. Which is why I agreed to this.” She says sharply.

Bucky was fuming.

“We need your signatures on the prenup and will.” Fury cuts in.

Bucky looks up sharply at Nick.

“I’m sorry, but it’s a will. You have no say in this, James. Mr. Barnes’ orders.”

Bucky swallows hard as he feels Ashlyn’s lingering touch on his hand. He feels dirty in his own skin for a second and his hand trembles as he puts the tip of the pen against the piece of paper. He takes in a deep breath and hesitates before signing.

Bucky is in a trance for the rest of the meeting, his emotions running wild and his mind not knowing what to think anymore.

Wanda shuffles through some more folders and then slides -finally - the last one over to Bucky.

“You will have a board meeting on Monday and there you will meet your entire team. Tuesday, you have a photoshoot at eight followed up with an interview with CNN at eleven thirty and a written interview with the New York Times at two. You will have a fitting with Louis Vuitton on Wednesday for an outfit for the gala which will be in September. And starting Thursday until the end of July you will have a team working for you on pre-determined decisions made by your father before he passed so you and your fiancé can focus on your wedding. Think of it as a long vacation.”

Bucky clears his throat, “Understood. Thank you, Wanda.”

“Alright, I think that’s everything,” Then Wanda, Nick, and Scott all stood up together.

Fury stretches his arm out for Bucky to shake. Bucky takes it confidently and a little too harshly. It was quite obvious to everyone that he was still very upset.

“Congratulations, Mr. Barnes. You’re officially the new CEO and owner of Barnes’ enterprises on all accounts.”

Bucky turns around sharply to face Ashly once everyone is gone.

She’s shocked at the tight hold he has on her arm. It hurts.

He’s hurt.

“Ashlyn, why? Just please fucking tell me. You have no,” He takes in a deep breath and relaxes his hand, “you have no right. I care about you so much, you know I do, but I don’t -“

She feels the tears brewing in her eyes.

She doesn’t know why she’s crying, but she is. “You don’t what, Bucky?”

He rips his hand off of her and gestures wildly around them, his voice suddenly several octaves louder.

“This! I don’t know what kind of crap my father put in your head, but does none of this seems strange to you?”

  
She steps up closer to Bucky’s face and grits in his face, “Seems to me that you don’t trust me, that’s what it seems like to me.”

Your words - you- you put doubt in his hands.

_I saw her name on his will…_

Ashlyn continues as her eyes water up even more, “I promised you I would love you forever, it’s why we’re doing this isn’t it? Getting married?” Bucky cringes at the way she says it, almost like it was a chore or an obligation, “Why would I want to spend the rest of my life with you and want you to have all of this and then take it all away? Of course, I would never do that. You’re freaking out because you’re the one who’s scared. Please, for the love of God, the last thing I would want is to work so hard on this with you for some other women to take you away from me and steal your money from you. I’m doing this to protect you, protect us!”

Ashlyn took in a deep breath as she eyed Bucky up and down. Suddenly suspicious. “But it won’t happen because you love me right? Right, James?”

Bucky looked down at her with clenched teeth and now his own tears in his eyes. What on earth had they become?

His gut was burning hot.

“Right.” He lied.

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

>   
>  One month before the wedding.

 

The closer their wedding day arrived, the more Bucky wanted to turn time around and change it all. But he seemed to have been making mistake after mistake. His choices haven’t been the best.

He had avoided you for the last four months, fear that another moment like that one day would happen again- except this time he wouldn’t be able to turn away.

He was slowly becoming weaker because of you. You had made him a weak man, you had filled his mind with doubt.

His net worth was now just above eighty million dollars, but the only thing he wanted was you.

Days after signing that goddamn prenup and that will, he kept thinking of different ways to opt-out of this, to opt-out of it all, but it had been too late.

And worst of all, there was still a ninety percent chance his feelings were completely unrequited.

Bucky’s mind weighed like a hundred pounds, or at least his conscious did. Ashlyn’s words repeated repeatedly in his mind.

_the last thing I would want is to work so hard on this with you for some other women to take you away from me and steal your money from you_

Was that really her worst fear? And if it were you, you would never do something like that. You were an angel.

Had you been right all along? Was Ashlyn really the materialistic girl you had been warning him about? Was she really in this for the money? The thought itself makes him shake. It couldn’t be.

He kept lying to himself to make himself feel better. Ashlyn had been perfect when he first met her, she had been everything he thought she would continue to stay.

The reality of it hits him like a ton of bricks.

Ashlyn had changed. Everything he thought he saw in her had always been in you.

He doesn’t want to submit to the realization, he doesn’t want to cave because it was too late.

He had to make the best of his situation. He had to force himself to fall back in love with his future wife because he no longer had a choice.

He had to make it work.

You still have some stuff at your apartment right?

Bucky had texted Ashlyn after buying her a bouquet of flowers and chocolates on his way to her apartment from the office. Perks of being a CEO- you didn’t always have to actually be doing the hard work majority of the time, you had assistants and other representatives that took care of the job for you- and you still got paid.

Bucky takes the elevator up to Ashlyn’s floor regardless of her non-response.

He swallows down the anger he feels.

He knew she was just about fully moved into their new penthouse so he thought that he could be kind enough to help her with her last few things. They were getting married, after all, he had to at least attempt to be courteous, no matter how uneasy he felt about it.

He knocks and he wished to heavens that it hadn’t been you who opened the door.

You guys hadn’t spoken to each other in four months.

You’re startled at first by his presence and then by the items in his hands.

“She’s stepped out. I was just finishing packing the last of her stuff.” Bucky stands there motionless as he stares at you. You take a step towards him and stretch out your hand “This is very sweet. I’ll be sure to hand this to her for you.”

Your tone is different. Tired, like you’ve given in.

“Thank you.”

He doesn’t expect it to come out so softly.

You both stare at each other, the tension thick.

Bucky clears his throat.

“Do you know where she is?”

You nod curtly, spinning around to head inside. You leave the door open so he can step in behind you.

You hesitate for a moment, trying to think if this was really a good idea.

“I think she’s shopping. I’m not sure though, she asked me to come to help her pack tonight but I decided to come earlier so she didn’t have a lot to deal with, ya know?”

He continues to stare at you, breathlessly.

You looked adorable. You have a small bun in your hair, the strands of it were fallen messily over your head and around the frame of your face. You had a small summer dress and an apron tied around your waist.

It’s then that he notices the smell of freshly baked cookies.

You were beautiful.

pure. “Yeah.” He whispers in a daze.

You’re shocked by how soft his voice is. Your eyes flicking up immediately to meet his. “I hope she likes the flowers,” he continues, keeping eye contact with you, “they are her favorite. And I went all the way uptown for those chocolates. She loves those.”

You swallow hard. Your eyes search his and he searches yours. “You’re an amazing man, Barnes.”

“Y/N….” He whispers.

You both remember that moment, you both know what happened.

 _What was_ her  _intention?_

 _What was_ his  _intention?_

“You are. You do so much for the people you love, you make beautiful gestures, you really are a great guy. And I know you hate when I say this but, how I wish you saw you deserved more.”

He feels defeat at your words. He feels filthy, he feels disloyal, unfaithful. disgust. How could he have let this happen? How could you both been so careless? How could you have made him fallen for you so hard so quickly?

Ashlyn had been right.

_But it won’t happen because you love me right?_

He was weak.

  
“Maybe I don’t.”

His response makes you sad.

“Bucky, don’t say that. Don’t lower yourself down.”

_But it won’t happen because you love me right?_

He was a weak man. Ashlyn was right. She had done was she done because she was stronger than him.

“I’m just saying, maybe a lot of you think too highly of me. I really appreciate your kind words, but come on y/n, take a look around you, without my money and power, what am I? I’m a pathetic little New York boy who buys chocolates and flowers for a girl who doesn’t even answer her damn phone, who doesn’t even bother to fucking show up, who doesn’t even care that I-,” he doesn’t realize he’s borderline crying until he forces out the next phrase through hush tears, “ _I brought her flowers and chocolates._ ”

Your heart shatters. You wanted to do nothing more than run around that island and hug him; kiss him.

But of course, you don’t.

It’s wrong.

And he doesn’t feel the same. He’s just going through a rough patch and doesn’t know his worth, that’s why he almost kissed you. Nat has always been right from the beginning.

_He has a way of making girls fall in love with him without even realizing it. It’s just how he is. be careful. Don’t fall for it._

But, hell, how you _did_ fall for it.

You swallow down thickly. Your throat hurts- it burns.

“Bucky.”

“I know she’s not perfect, but neither am I. That’s why me and her work.”

He explains, trying to convince himself more than you and it’s obvious and it hurts both of you to the fucking core. “You’re looking at this the wrong way, Bucky. If you could only see yourself the way I see you.”

  
“And what’s that, y/n?”

“You are a strong person, you are committed, and you are going to make a great husband. Any girl would be lucky to have you, and not because of your money, but because of who you are.”

That’s all he needed to hear to know for sure that you still saw him as Ashlyn’s husband and then he left.

 

 

 

 

>  
> 
> * * *
> 
> And your words replay in his head when he takes Ashlyn out to dinner

_You are a strong person,_

Ashlyn similes up at him over her dinner menu. He smiles back, reluctantly.

Ashlyn stretches her hand out across the table to hold Buckys'. The diamond on her ring had been his grandmothers, his mothers, and how hers. It was gorgeous and almost too big for her finger. But she damn loved it.

_you are committed,_

Ashlyn was right, as long as everything stayed great between them, they had nothing to lose.

_you are going to make a great husband_

Maybe he had been overreacting. Maybe his father knew was he was talking about when he made that decision for them. Maybe Bucky did have it in him to be a great husband and he just lost sight of it because he got distracted.

Ashlyn smiles at him once more over her glass of wine. A Sauvignon, her favorite.

And, god, how he does want to love her as much as he did the first moment he saw her. He wishes he did and he wished he could trust her. He wanted to push you to the back of his mind and move on. He wanted to be a damn good husband.

But you, fuck. Fuck.

_Any girl would be lucky to have you_

So why couldn’t it be you? Why couldn’t you just love him back?

_and not because of your money_

You were everything that Ashlyn wasn’t. You weren’t the kind to make a man run after you so you take advantage of him and take his money away. That’s the idea that Ashlyn had put in his head because she never would have thought that the women he would love would be you.

You would never hurt him- _ever_. You would never use him- _ever._

You would never find your way into his heart for the money.

Sure, maybe you weren’t in love with him, but he knew that you cared about him more than anyone has in a long time. If not, more.

_but because of who you are._

He takes a sip of his own wine, peaking up at Ashlyn over his own glass. For the first time in his life, he didn’t feel any remorse in the idea of cheating on her.

He would leave her in a heartbeat for you

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter.... ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) btw these characters are driving me nuts with their lack of communication skills.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: SEX. SMUT. HEAVY ANGST HEARTBREAKING SMUT. Strong language. Cheating. Lots of cheating. (please read end note for more info when done reading). Bucky and Reader finally find out how they feel about each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoy. This chapter is 14 thousand words long...and the smut scene itself is close to 9 thousand which is more than half the story. Next chapter after this will now be the beginning of Phase II. (post wedding day to present)

 

 

 

 

_The river has run wild tonight_

_The birds have stopped singing and I've lost my sight_

_And you_

__You're not around_ _

* * *

_Greenwich Village_ New York, New York

 

It was a month before the wedding and you weren’t prepared for your unanticipated uproar of emotions.

You sit next to Nat on one of the wooden stools that lined up against the glass of the cozy café. It was semi-busy as a few people chattered around you both here and there, the sounds of the coffee grinder and some indie song, that you’ve heard a one too many times, around you.

It was a comforting setting and it was supposed to make you feel soothed. 

But that was the last thing you felt as you both sipped on your drinks, staring out into the street.

You sat with your feet close together on the feet stand on the stool. You both had just gotten back from picking up your dresses for the wedding and your feet throbbed faintly in your shoes, the needed rest doing you well. 

Your mind was far as you watched the people walking outside, avoiding Nat’s questioning gaze on the side of your face as she kept attempting to say something. You knew she had been trying to come up with the right words the last house, but clearly, none seemed right. 

You didn’t want to admit to it, but your feelings from the last year had reached its last straw and you could no longer enclose your strong emotions.

It hadn’t been hard to look past your saddened face as Nat watched you pay for your dress, an indisputable grimace on your face as you gave the lady your debit card.

You didn’t even try to hide your scowl anymore.

You had given up on pretending; on hiding your true feelings.

“Do you want to talk about this, Y/N?”

She finally has the courage to ask after she takes a sip.

You take one as well, looking down at the table right after. You were waiting for her to have the balls to say something.

Truth is, you wanted to get it out.

Letting it build up inside of you was making it worse for your emotional health.

“It’s in a _month_. I don’t know if I can do it, Nat.”

It’s a sigh that leaves her mouth. She’s disappointed in you and you don’t blame her.

“You still like him?”

It should’ve been a simple question, but it was anything but. She was so naive to what was really going on.

“Nat, I don’t think it’s just like anymore,” You look up at her to see her already staring at you, concern in her eyes, “It stopped being _like_ months ago.” You add in a pathetic whisper that almost sounds like a supplication. 

She looks at you in confusion until she realizes what you mean and her face changes from furrowed brows to a look that is serious, her eyes widening slightly.

She takes in a deep breath and moves in closer to you.

“What are you talking about, y/n?”

You don’t know why but you smile, it’s a sad smile.  

“I’m in love with him.”

Nat’s face falls and it resembles the feeling that you are currently feeling inside of your chest. It held dead, pity, and then disbelief.

Your eyes flicker over to the bag on the table that held your dresses and you continue softly, your eyes still far and not necessarily focusing on anything specific.

“I”m in love with him and I’m going to be standing there,” you swallow thickly as your voice breaks, as the mental image of Ashlyn wearing a white dress and Bucky wearing a tux enters your mind, “ _watching him,_ _give himself_ away to someone _undeserving._ ” You say brutally as your eyes fill with angry tears.

“What happened to Steve?” A scoff leaves your lips as you roll your eyes, a tear trickling out one of them and falling onto your cheek.

“For fucks sakes, Nat, it was always a small crush between me and Steve. Nothing else ever happened between us. I don’t know why everyone keeps pressuring it on us like me and he is meant to be together or something, or like anything was even _there_ in the first place.”

Nat takes your hand into hers and she shakes her head. 

“We don’t say it out of pressuring you two, sweetie. This isn’t about us wanting you two to be together and only you two, it just seemed like it was right. I mean, since the moment you met him we all saw a spark so it made sense.” Nat watches as you stare at nothing, the pain in your eyes. She didn’t realize you were in so deep.

She tucks a strand of hair behind your ear with the hand that is not holding yours, “You and Steve seem right, but we aren’t going to pressure you into anything if you don’t feel the same. Just let me know and we’ll shut up about it.”

You nod understandably as you swallow again.

“But you and Bucky? Y/N, this isn’t-this isn’t good. I knew you had feelings but I didn’t realize you were _in love_ with him.”

“Yeah, well.”

You let out another scoff as you look down at your hands in shame.

_How could you?_

Another wave of hopelessness hits you.

“I can’t do it, Nat. I can’t be there.”

“You have to support her. You’re her sister. I know it’s hard, but-“

She cuts you off sharply.

“And _watch_ him give himself away to her?” You say through hot tears,  “Watch him _kiss_ her in front of me? Watch her _marrying_ the man I want to -" you take in a deep breath, catching yourself before you finish your sentence.

You were crying now and Nat stared at you in shock, knowing exactly how you were going to finish it. 

You run your hand angrily down your face as you wipe your tears away in revulsion with yourself.

_You were pathetic and sad, y/n._

“Jesus, Nat.”

“I know, just breathe okay?” Nat says soothingly as she pulls you in for a hug and then runs her hand down your hair and back. 

You shake against her, “You should have told me, I would’ve helped you prepare, maybe step up as maid of honor, or anything. _You should have told me, y/n._ ” 

You nod because she was right. 

You were too late to fix anything of this, “Because now you know it’s too late to back out. You can’t not go. If you don’t it’ll be obvious, people will start questioning it and also she’s you’re sister. You have to at least be there during the ceremony. At the reception, if you have to, stay the hell away from him and her. But you have to be there.” 

You think about her words as she holds you, consoling you, and you realize she’s right.

Nat takes in a deep breath as she thinks about the situation her friend is in and she looks around in disbelief, pulling you tighter.

She knew about your feelings for Bucky but _this_ was different.

“Love, y/n? _Love_?” She asks breathlessly.

* * *

 After your revelation to Nat, and then finally coming to terms with owning up to yourself and your strong feelings part, before you knew it, it was the day before the wedding.

It had been a strange few weeks leading up to it. You had hardly even seen Ashlyn or Bucky in person, knowing very well that they were more than likely getting everything ready.

 You don’t miss his interview on **CNN** that month, and you’re one of the first few people to read his article online by the **NYT.**  

You watched him from afar even if you couldn’t be near him right now. You knew it was inappropriate, but you couldn’t stay away any longer. 

You would text him what you thought about his appearances and the things he had said, complimenting him here and there, and you two would joke back and forth until the late afternoon- until he would stop responding, most likely taking care of things for his big day.

You swallowed down the bile in your throat.

You furrow your brows at the certain things he’s been texting you.

He would thank you. 

**_Thank you so much, y/n._ **

**_You’re always there for me, y/n._ **

**_What would I do without you, y/n?_ **

**_Are you there?_ **

He was acting a bit strange towards you like something was off or something had happened, but he never mentioned anything out of the ordinary. You assume that he and Ashlyn are going through another bump in the road, not that you’re surprised or that he should be either.

Normally you would be shoving it in his face about how right you were, but seeing him so gloomy pained you more than it made you prideful.

Your love for him was stronger than the pride of being right.

You want to ask but you don’t bite, in fear that Ashlyn’s paranoid manner would lead to her discovering the evidence in his phone. 

So you continue on with accessing as much information and proximity that was considered appropriate and acceptable with distance. He didn’t hesitate to notice how you always complimented him now as well, different than how you two used to be which was teasing and playful gestures.

There wasn’t any more of that. Now, your short conversations consisted of serious compliments and underlying gestures that meant more.

Like when the three of you went out for appetizers a few days ago and you had passed him the ketchup and his fingers had touched yours. Both your eyes lingered on each other longer than necessary before you cleared your throat, quickly looking away.

It didn’t go unnoticed by you that _he_ didn’t look away.

His eyes were burning into you, branding you. 

He wasn’t bothered by the touch, instead, he was intrigued, looking at you like he wanted more.

You felt his gaze remain on you and you were thankful that Ashlyn was too busy skimming through Instagram to notice anything.

“Alright, girlie. I’ll see you on Friday night?” Your sister has asked you after dinner as you the three of you stood outside the restaurant, satisfied and no longer starving. 

Tomorrow was her bachelorette party.

It was a beautiful summer night, hot but with a steady and refreshing breeze. 

You were still a bit taken aback by the feeling of Bucky’s fingers on yours. It remained in your skin, the spot tingling nonstop.

She had called you an Uber to take you to the train station while she stood arm in arm with Bucky, getting ready to walk home in the warm summer night. 

You gave her a small smile that was as happy as you could fake it.

“Yeah, I’ll see you then.”

Bucky didn’t buy your bogus happiness and your eyes meet once more after you respond.

He was still giving you that same look. There was no shame in his behavior and it made you uneasy.

_This couldn’t be possible. He couldn’t do this to her. He couldn’t be selfish enough to finally want you because Ashlyn did something that he didn’t like._

_Because that had to be the only reason for it._  

It was wrong. You couldn’t do that to your big sister. Ashlyn might be heartless, but you were far from that no matter how much right and justice was behind it. 

“Alright, I gotta get going.” you clear your throat of any suspicious intent, “it’s getting late and the trains get extra sketchy this time of night.”

“Of course, be safe. Text me when you get home safely.” Ashlyn says.

“Night, Ash. Bye, Bucky.” You add quickly. 

He looks into your eyes, “Goodnight, y/n.”

As you spun around to make your way to Grand Central, the only thing that was going through his mind as he watched you was how damn stupid he was for not realizing any sooner how much he loved you. 

_He couldn’t get out of his mind how he should be walking you home and not the deceiving woman in his arms._

He felt out of his skin as Ashlyn’s skin touched his. It felt wrong.

He knew when your eyes met over the table that he had been right all along.

Your eyes revealed that in just a fraction of a second, a glimpse of remorse and doubt.

Mystery.

He hated that he doubted himself when he saw you in Loki’s arms.

But now he was certain that it was impossible that you didn’t love him. 

The tension that had brewed between you two as you touched was exactly that - love.

_He loved you and he was certain you loved him too, but he had to know for sure before he made any drastic moves._

He was running out of time. 

And he knew that when he was confirmed of it, that everything would finally be right in the world.

Because you would **never** hurt him. Ever. 

You were an _angel_.

And now here he was on the night before his wedding day at some trashy bar up in midtown.

Buck hated midtown Manhattan. It was always overcrowded and overpriced and prestigiously overrated. He would take his local cafes and small parks over hundreds of people swapping sweat and carbon dioxide any day.

But of course, the sexiest and most provocative one would be in this exact location.  

Everything about the place was oozing sex and provocativeness. The music had an obnoxious amount of added bass to it and the only lights were the red and blue ones that hung over the overcrowded dance floor and the bar in the far right corner. 

Of course, Steve and Sam had pulled him out of his comfort zone to a bar/strip club that had Bucky blushing the moment he stepped inside. 

He was genuinely surprised that Steve would pick such a place. It wasn’t in his nature.

The loud music pumped in his veins as they walked past tens of disloyal men, some of them too drunk to have any self-pride left.

It was dark. He was not comfortable at all as he watched the half-naked girls giving said men sultry lamp dances, some of them taking them into a back corner that was hidden by red velvet curtains. 

“Come on, live it up, man!” Sam shouted over the music, handing Bucky a shot glass of vodka after they had made it to the bar.

Bucky looked down at it, skeptical. 

He wasn’t this kind of man. 

Bucky looks over at Steve who has his eyes narrowed at him, waiting for him to take the drink.

“Look, guys, I get the gesture, it’s my last night as a bachelor and all, but I don’t know,” He looks over to the hot girls, “you couldn’t find anything less… _degrading_?”

It slides off the tip of his tongue in disgust.

“You do realize you only get one bachelor party, right?” Steve says, clinking his glass against Bucky’s.

“Not if you get married more than once,” Bucky says with a shrug and half-smile.

“Shut up, ass. Just take the damn shot and loosen up. Stop being a damn grandma.”

Bucky hesitates for a second. 

Bucky throws his head back as he takes the shot.

It burns his throat.

* * *

 **SoHo** was alluring this time of day. The clean streets glowed orange as the setting sun reflected off of it. It created the perfect atmosphere of tranquility as it contrasted with the whites and blues of the brownstone styled buildings.

It was calming and quiet, everything you could as for a Friday in the city. 

But you were anything but tranquil. Your stomach was killing you since you woke up that morning, dreading the events today and tomorrow that would unveil.

You were nauseous and in physical pain from the anxiety that was eating away at you.

The time had finally come for your sister and the love of your life to get married and you couldn’t take it. 

You tried to drown in your third glass of champagne as you and Ashlyn’s other girlfriends watched her opening bag after bag of Victoria Secret items.

You couldn’t believe that it was really your third glass and it had had no effect on you.

God damn your sister for buying liquor that had almost no alcohol in it. 

“Oh my god. _This one_ , _this_ is the one for tomorrow.” Ashlyn exclaimed as she held up a piece of black fabric.

At first, you couldn’t tell what it was, but when she held it up by the shoulder straps you could see the flimsy piece of lingerie that would most certainly cover nothing in all its glory. 

It hardly had any fabric at all, just enough to barely cover her nipples and only a small string to cover her…

It made your heart fall into your stomach. It wouldn’t have had such an impact on you if she hadn’t had said it was for their wedding night, _the_ wedding night, but now that she had that’s all you could picture in your head.

You kept seeing her wearing that as Bucky took her.

 _Like he was meant to._  

You see red and you look quickly away. You couldn’t do this, you just couldn’t.

You try to ignore the _ooohs_ and the repulsive girly laughter as you try to control your sudden onset of heavy emotions. As you do so, you catch Nat’s eyes briefly across the room.

Her smile that she held for Ashlyn was slowly falling off her face as she watched you.

She read you like a book and you hated her for it.

_I can’t._

As you watched Ashlyn open lingerie after lingerie and toy after toy, you got a weird feeling in your tummy. Something fires up inside of you, and as you’re watching Ashlyn hold up bottles of different flavored lubes, you make eye contact with Nat one more time. 

This time, deliberately.

Maybe it was the jealousy that motivated you to want to do what you wanted to do, but you weren’t sure. 

* * *

  **Steve** comes up behind Bucky, tapping him on his shoulders as he sat at the bar. 

“You know, you’re a really tame bachelor. You make Elmo look like a pornstar.” 

Bucky gives Steve a slight smile as he plays with the rim of his beer bottle. He looks over to the left where Sam seems preoccupied with a gorgeous brown skinned beauty in his lap.

“At least Sam is having a good time.”

“You should be, too.” Steve pats Bucky once more, “I think even I’m gonna find myself a girl and go back there.  Maybe that’ll force you into having a good time and stop being so damn depressing.” 

Bucky clears his throat, not amused.

Steve’s eyes furrow at Bucky’s lack of humor. 

“I’m kidding, man. Well, about the depressing part. I just wished you’d lighten up a bit. You know I care about you, right? We all do. We just wanted you to have a good laugh today. There are no other intentions behind this. At least smile.” 

“Right. No, yeah, I’ll have a good time. Just give me a sec to finish this beer. Go have fun. On me.” 

Steve adds in a friendly wink and a _sounds good_ before walking off towards the direction of a really pretty tall blonde. 

Bucky sighs deeply as he takes another swing.

 _You_ shouldn’t be clouding his mind, especially on the night before his wedding.

The truth is, his conversation with you should’ve happened days, if not _weeks_ , ago. 

It bothered him that he was going to get married never have told you how he felt and not hearing you say it back. 

He couldn’t get out of his head that he literally had hours to claim you.

He couldn’t have some slut grinding her ass on him as he thought about you. 

He wanted you next to him right now.

Like fate playing its cards once again, he gets a text

It’s from you.

He hears his heart in his ears and his face is on fire.

He looks around to make sure no one is behind him and he sees Sam and Steve go into one of the private rooms in the back.

**_Hey. What are you boys up to? This bachelorette thing is kinda lame. Hoping I can escape._ **

Bucky smiles before typing away a reply.

**_To be honest, it’s kinda lame here, too. Let's escape together?_ **

Bucky clears his throat as his thumb trembles. He doesn’t know why he’s trembling.

He types out the address of the bar and sends it to you.

* * *

 **Once** your screen lights up you open it quickly. Nat notices how you’re finally intrigued in your phone and how you’re smiling, _too_ happy.

And there was only one reason for your happiness. 

You wait until Ashlyn finishes opening her gifts before you pull her aside to tell her you don’t feel good and need to head home early. 

She gives you a tight hug with a kiss on your cheek and tells you to feel better.

Nat watches this unfold, an uneasiness in her eyes.

You’re walking down the steps of Ashlyn’s apartment building when a hand catches your arm.

“Don’t do this.” 

You feel bad, so bad that you want to run into your friend's arms and say _I won’t._

You turn around and look at Nat and you know she knows what you’re doing.

Her eyes were desperate, begging you. 

“ _Please_ , y/n, just come back inside. I don’t want you to hurt more than you already are. This is not a good idea.”

You clear your throat. You had to look away from her or you would cave. You couldn’t cave anymore.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m going home. You know I already wasn’t feeling well this morning.” You lie through your teeth.

The silence is heartbreaking, filled with lies and deceit.

“Really?” Her voice is pained.

It hurts her that you’re lying straight to her face just as much as it hurts you. You both know you’re lying.

But you don’t care enough, you needed to see him. 

You look up at her, determination in your eyes and you hope that she can see it too. 

“Yes.” 

She looks at you for a bit before looking up at the street above your shoulder.

“Just be careful.” 

“I will, Nat.”

Stressed, Nat runs her fingers through her hair. 

How the hell did she get into this mess?

* * *

It doesn’t take you long to find Bucky at the bar and you try not to contain your laughter as you tease him for Sam and Steve bringing him to the skankiest place in the city. 

His eyes light up quickly when he sees you, and minutes pass before you both know it. You tell him about how you were practically dying at Ashlyn’s party, no longer being able to handle seeing one more bra. 

You change the topic as his cheeks turn a slight pink, telling him you wished the girls brought at least some real alcohol to the party.

Bucky smiles up at you and then asks the bartender for a drink.

Once he slides it over to you, you kind of just staring at it, dazed.

You say fuck it and down it down. You do the same for another one.

And then:

“You have to take it, come on!” He laughs as he bangs his left hand on the bar counter, a bight smile on his face.

“No, Bucky! I can’t take another one. I have to wake up sane tomorrow. We _all_ do.”

His smiles smile slides off and becomes serious at your words. 

The realization hits you both that he was going to be married. You think about your almost-kiss at his office the other day, you think about that beautiful wedding dress you saw… 

You swallow hard as he moves into you. You think he’s going to do something when he narrows his eyes at you provokingly and then whispers, “T _ake the damn shot_.” 

The faintest of smirks line his face as you pick up the shot glass.

 _You were not okay._  

You tip your head back as you swallow it down in one go.

_Might as well numb it away._

You slam down the glass and you feel the burn of the liquor down your throat, not even cringing.

There’s a long pause of silence as he stares at you. 

“How do you feel?”

You practically laugh out loud at his question.

“How do I _feel?_ It’s a shot of tequila, not heroin.” 

“Heroin’s probably pretty amazing, huh?”

He smirks.

You gape at him smiling.

“Let’s go do some.” He adds with a shrug.

_Anything to get him out of here._

“Jesus hell, Bucky. How drunk are you?”

“For your information, I’ve had one shot which is two less than you have had and I’m bored out of my mind.”

“Well, I’m not drunk either. You know I ain’t no damn lightweight anymore.”

“You sure about that?” He says tauntingly.

You perk a brow at him.

“Yes. I am sure. Honestly, your bachelor party sucks ass, Barnes.”

Bucky laughs out loud at this. 

Eventually, our laughing dials down as the innocent moment between two friends pass inside the crowded bar. You couldn’t believe that in less than twenty-four hours, your best friend and your sister were going to be married, and yet you couldn’t shake the feeling that you both never knew happiness like you did right at that moment.

You were going to miss this - laughing together.

Obviously, there were other aspects of your relationship that you were most definitely going to miss more than that, but for years you both always just shoved that under the table.

You’re not laughing anymore, and instead, you’re just looking at each other, realizing you’ve both run out of time.

You’re the first to realize that your hand is still on his arm. Bucky looks at your hand and you follow his gaze.

Realizing what you’re doing, you take your hand off his body like it’s on fire. 

Bucky subconsciously frowns at this, suddenly missing your touch.

You clear your throat, “Sorry, I -”

“You wanna get out of here?”

You’re unsure if you hear him correctly at first. But his eyes are pleading.

_Let's get out here._

You nod. And he takes your hand hurriedly.

He didn’t want Steve or Sam catching him. He would make sure to send them a text later with some kind of lame excuse that he knew they wouldn’t believe. 

He’s pulling you behind him in a rush as you both pushed your way through the crowd towards the exit.

Your smile covered your face as you almost stumbled behind him at how hard he was pulling you.

You couldn’t help but laugh, grabbing on tighter. Where were you even going?

You both step out of that damn place, the fresh air filling your lungs. You both laugh as you dramatically fall through the exit of the strip bar. 

He waits until your smile had winded down and then takes your arm. You both walk down the street arm in arm, loving the way the heat of the August skin felt against your skins. 

You’re both so caught up in your own thoughts, wondering what is what you two were doing on the night before his wedding, wondering what it was that had happened these few months to make this moment anything but innocent.

You’re both contemplating if you should tell the other about your feelings, but neither of you knew how to begin.

It’s terrifying and you feel him pull you closer to him as a look you can’t recognize is on his face.

What he feels is determined, determined to get the truth out tonight. He was tired of the games, the unspoken. Tonight, he was going to tell you everything while you also told him what he needed to here.

Because this was the last time he had a chance to.

He was going to tell you he loved you, and if you loved him too, he would be out of town tomorrow with you. He had a duffle bag packed just in case because something in his gut told him that he knew _this_ was right.

He would leave Ashlyn for you tonight if he needed to.

You’ve both been walking for at least thirty minutes and you don’t even realize he’s walking you to his apartment. 

What was once calming during your walk is now tense as you both stand side by side in his elevator.

What was going on?

 

 

 

_There's trouble in the heartland_

_You're drifting your own way_

 

You look over at him and his jaw is in a tight line.

He looked absolutely gorgeous tonight. A plain white t-shirt that hugged his arms just right.

The doors open with a ding and you walk in front of him, already knowing your way down the hall.

He’s got you in front of his door and you’re about to reach for his door handle when his hand stops you.

You freeze.

The silence is maddening and you feel a tightness in your chest and you’re afraid of what he’s going to say.

 _Just tell him, y/n._ You yell at yourself. _Why are you even going into his apartment?_

You swallow hard.

 

 

 

 

_There is trouble_

_It's a wasteland_

_There's something you don't say_

“I need to ask you something.” He mumbles on the back of your neck, his hand still not letting go of yours.

“Okay.” You say, voice shaking.

He takes a deep breath.

“Is _this_ ,” He takes another deep breath, making his voice slightly stronger, “Is this over?" 

_I don’t want it to be._

“Is _what_ over, Bucky?”

“ _This,”_ he says strongly. He lets go of your hand and he waits for you to turn around and look up at him. His eyes hold many emotions as he stares down at you, “Us, our friendship. Tomorrow I’m a married man and I just need to know if this is going to be the end of this?" 

You scoff, trying your best to hide your fear. Deny, deny.

“You say it like what we’re doing is wrong.”

“Is what we’re doing _right_?” He snarls.

It catches you off guard.

“We’re friends, Bucky.”

_lie. lie. lie._

He looks at you in disbelief. “God, _y/n,_ why do we keep running from this?”

You look down, no longer being able to look him in the eye.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Bucky.”

He’s had enough with this, this back and forth, and he spins you fully around until your back hits hard against his door.

“ _Bucky_ -“ you voice trembles in fear and anticipation. 

You didn’t expect this. Y _ou didn’t expect him to have known all this time, too_.  _He knew how you felt and you’ve never felt so naked in your damn life._  

You don’t show it, but you are beyond shocked.

“I’m so sick of pretending, y/n. Please, _please_ tell me I’m not crazy.” He cried desperately, He moves in closer, teeth tight together as his eyes run over your face, “Shit, _Please_.”

You swallow hard as you look up at him once more.

“ _Tell me this isn’t all in my head_. I know it’s not.” He begs, his hands on either side of your face, and you see the small tears in his eyes.

This couldn’t happen.

“I think,” You take in a deep breath, pulling his hands off of you, “I think I need a drink.” 

You spin around to his door once again, closing your eyes tight together and trying to catch your breath. 

“A drink? Yeah, okay,” he says so quickly it scares you like it wasn’t just a drink he was going to get you. You see his hand reach around you to slide his key in, “Let’s get you a drink.”

He looks you once over before nodding and letting inside before him. 

 

        He pours you a glass of scotch. Not many girls like whiskey but he knew you did.

He pours it in front of you and you try not to stare at his gorgeous arms, you try not to inhale his cologne too much.

You swing it down harshly as you sit at his kitchen island, your back towards him.

The atmosphere in the room was very different than it had been when you were both outside and when you were at the bar. 

The air was thick and filled with tension, and the accusing topic swayed in the air, waiting to be addressed. 

He doesn’t realize how afraid you are to admit to it, because you don’t know where you two would go from here after you did.

If there was one thing you were certain of, it’s that you didn’t want to lose him.

That’s why your hand shook around the glass and why it remained quiet between you.

He feels hot as he turns to stare at the wall of his living room, trying to catch his breath, trying to control the sudden onset of emotions.

You two were so close to admitting your feelings to each other and he couldn’t wait. But he was equally furious with you as well. If you were going to get out of this by continuing to make him second guess himself, he was going to lose it.

He feels hot. So hot. The way he had yelled at you out in the hallway was only a snippet of how frustrated he was.

The silence in the room was deafening piercing. You swear that neither of you had ever felt so much tension inside a room before this. 

He doesn’t think before he’s reaching for the hem of his t-shirt and pulling it up over his head. 

It stuns you when you spin around on his stool. You watch the way the muscles in his back flexes as he reaches his arms up, pulling the fabric up over his head, his jeans low on his hips.

You suck in a sharp breath, your face feeling hot. _So hot._  

“I’m going crazy. You drive me crazy.”

He spats.

You can’t control the scoff that leaves your mouth in response to his words.

“Wow, that’s sweet, Bucky.”

He fumes. 

“You stress me so much, you fucking stress _the shit_ out of me.”

You can’t control the hurt that you feel like his words. Your face falls along with your stomach and you set your glass down on his table. You needed to get out of here.

“You know what, I think I’m gonna go.”

You say with tears in your eyes.

He hears you as you pick up your bag off the chair, as your little feet hit the floor beneath you.

He’s so damn frustrated. He doesn’t give you time to walk to his front door.

“Why’d you give me that bear?”

You stop halfway into his foyer. His questions stun you.

_There was no way…_

You see his back moving up and down as he breathes in and out harshly. 

“What?” You breathe, petrified. You felt exposed and vulnerable.

You fake a small laugh as if it would lighten the atmosphere around you. When you realize it doesn’t, your fake smile quickly disappears. 

You swallow down nervously.  

“What do you mean?” Your voice trembles as you ask him. He doesn’t respond, and somehow you’re moving up closer to him. 

_Because there was no way…_

You eye him up and down and you deny.

“It was just a gift.”

He scoffs at your response and you physically flinch.

He knew.

His tone is menacing when he speaks. 

“I remember when you bought Eddie that book,” the air between you is **hot** and thick, “you bought it for him because you loved him.”

The second it rolls off his tongue it’s silent. If it were any quieter, you swear you could hear both of your heartbeats.

Your eyes look out his window for a second before drifting back to him, you were in a daze and you felt drugged. You felt nervousness grow your stomach. 

“ _Bucky._ ” 

“ _I need to know._ ” You hear the tears in his tone, the agony.

This couldn’t happen, not now. Not the night before your sister’s wedding. 

Of course, you had to deny it all.

“That’s not why I got you that gift.” It pains you to lie. 

You blink away hot tears as you say it. 

He turns around sharply, and it’s evident on his face that this talk wasn’t over. His face is contorted into an angry snarl, cheeks red and eyes wet.

“Why did you stay with me when my dad died?” His voice is loud and you find yourself trying to corner yourself. But there was no use. You were fully exposed now. “Why did you _care_ about what happened to me at war? _Why_ do you _care_?” He practically sobs as he throws his arm out into the air, “Why do you care and no one else? Why do you care _and she doesn’t?_ ”

Your heart broke at the expression on his face. Your heart broke because you both knew why.

“I- I don’t know.” You stammer out, despair in your eyes. 

“Bullshit!” He yells, “Bullshit, _you know_! You made me question myself for _months_! Made me think I was crazy, but we both know.” 

You try to step back, your heart not taking the anguish anymore. It hurt you to see him like this, to know it was your fault. It hurt you to know that you had both done this your yourselves. 

“Bucky, _please_.”

Bucky closes his eyes tightly together as he pulls on his hair, “I fucking can’t anymore. This _denial_ , this back and forth. I can’t fucking _take it_.”He spins back towards the wall as he now pulls on his hair. A growl escapes his throat, “It’s all bullshit!”

You both are shocked when you realize he’s just punched the wall with the hand that wasn’t holding his shirt.

He stares at it, disoriented and you gape at him, stunned. Afraid.

Your eyes are wide and you feel tears in the back of your throat.

“ _James_.” You whimper out.

You had never called him James before and it surprised you both when it rolls off your tongue like _honey_.

Another tear rolls down his cheek.

“The goddamn teddy bear, y/n. Why did you give him to me?” 

Tears are running down your face now, too. 

“You know why.”

 _[Something always brings me back to you_  
_It never takes too long}_

Bucky blinks away hot tears at your answer. He sucks in a deep breath. He’s frozen in place as he stares at the wall directly in front of him. The off-white plaster was screaming at him to turn around, to gather his composure and do the right thing. 

 _[No matter what I say or do_  
_I'll still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone]_

It was obvious what had transpired: you had both said too much and not enough and it had all boiled down to this exact moment in time.

He couldn’t move. 

He had had fantasies about a moment similar to this, but in his fantasies, he was always the one to make the first move and do something. But here he was and he couldn’t even lift a finger to do a damn thing. 

He was afraid that if he were to do anything, it’d be sinful, that maybe he would even hurt you. Did he have it in him to control himself? 

But that was physically impossible right now, he thinks as he feels a slight twitch in his pinky finger.

His breathing is erratic as he hears the faint little steps against his floor come up behind him.

Slowly, they were making their way closer to him. 

Your steps were diligent but confident, the sound summing up everything that had led up to this moment.

It’s so quiet that the only thing you two can hear is the sound of his breathing, your tiny feet walking, and the distant hum of the refrigerator. You see the muscles in his back tense when you get closer to him, the silence in the room becomes unbearably quiet. It was screaming at you both, it was the answer you both needed in your own way. 

The silent scream was the phrase he had said moments ago that still lingered in the air like a damn siren.

_Because you loved him._

He feels his heart in his throat and the air between you two is thick and dense. 

He swallowed thickly as you came closer to him. 

You couldn’t touch him or he would lose it.

Though, who was he kidding? He knew you were going to because your silent revelation to him is only further proving that he was right. He had been right all along.

You cared about him. He _wasn’t_ crazy.

His bareback is faced towards you and you take your time to admire his skin.

You felt a carnal hunger inside of you, begging you to touch it. You’re breathing hard just like him as your legs drag you to him like a beautiful dance of push and pull. 

You take in one more deep breath as your body comes close to his.

It’s powerful- the pull. The _love_ that consumed your hindsight.  

It wasn’t your mind controlling you anymore, it was your heart by its mere nature- it’s mere want; it was him- _he_ was pulling you to him. 

Your heart skips in your chest.

He was waiting for you.

He was what you wanted, and now he knew. You felt selfish as the heat you didn’t realize that you buried for him made its way up to your tummy in a form of knots and beautiful butterflies.  

It drives your entire body crazy and it was now taking charge of it.

Your little fingers tremble in the air as you bring them parallel to his body. The moment your fingers tips touch his bareback you want to cry.

Bucky’s eyes close tight at your touch, a hot breath escaping his parted lips. It was almost like it left a brand on his skin, leaving your mark on him, a mark that would last forever. 

(-oh and how it would-)

Your touch sent fire through him that made him want to forget everything that he had been loyal for, forget. Everything that he believed in, everything that had kept him from you. 

He sucks his bottom lip into his mouth as he tried to pull your skin in tighter to his as if he had some kind of telekinesis power. Because if he’d be damned, it wasn’t enough. He wanted you. 

The need builds inside of him with every passing second, your tiny touch doing nothing but confirming his carnal needs.

 _Because you loved him._

He hears haunting violins playing in the distant, a sound of finally,   _finally._  

Nothing additional or any confirmation has to be said between the two of you for Bucky’s hand to slack and for him to drop his shirt onto the floor next to his feet. 

The sound of the soft cotton hitting the wooden floor sounded loud to your ears. 

It makes the heat in your cheeks rise, the fire in your pit burn even hotter. 

Your eyes look at the fabric on the floor - a representation of the sin that was about to happen between these four walls.

You stretch out your fingers flat against his back, making him sigh. The moonlight peeks in through his large window as your hand drags slowly up his back. His breath hitches audibly at the feel of it. 

His eyes close together again as his right-hand falls against his leg. He rubs his hand there on his jeans. trying to get rid of the nervous sweat that had gathered on the edge of his palm.

He can’t breathe. 

And you were in a trance.

Instinctually, you take another daring step closer to him, the feeling of love engrossing you completely. A love that you’ve never felt for anyone else, not even Eddie, not even close.

This was different. This was all-consuming love. This was the kind of love you _die_ for.

Your other hand comes up to lay beside your right one and your thumb flicks lightly against a small mole that is there. The imperfections on his perfect body made you soar, it made you want to cry out. 

He felt your ragged breath against his back, and his eyes look down at the shirt he dropped.

_Was he really going to do this? Were you both really going to do this?_

He wasn’t yours to touch, but at that moment in time, you wanted him to be. You wanted to make him yours because he should be yours- he should belong to you.  

You feel selfish, but you no longer care.  

No more second-guessing yourself, you take one more step even closer to him, your small nose brushing slightly against his toned back.  

The act makes him shiver and you hear it. It made the butterflies inside of you swell.

He feels a tightness in his chest. 

He needs to swallow down the moan as he feels your hot breath against his skin, oh it was so hot, and you were _so damn soft._

You stare directly at his skin and you want to kiss him there, but instead, you just take in a deep breath, inhaling his scent. 

It was sweet and vanilla; delicious. Both your hands now lay side by side on his back as your forehead leaned on him. Your hands widen slightly, gripping onto whatever was there, but you didn’t even know what.

_Love._

The phrase replays again in your head: _The love I felt for him consumed me._  

Taking in a deep breath, you stretch your right hand slowly around to the right side of his waist. He’s soft, surprisingly warm, and you guess that’s it’s because he’s blushing and burning just as much as you were. 

This was past territorial premises, this had crossed the line five minutes ago.

_I do not want to be afraid._

The fact that he hasn’t stopped you is more evidence that he wants this as much as you. 

And that’s all the convincing you need to reach your hand out even further until it’s laid on his upper abdomen. 

He looks down at it, his eyes hooded over in lust.

Bucky’s breath catches in his throat and he feels a sudden sadness in the pit of his stomach. 

He’s sad because this should’ve happened two years ago.

It should have been you, always you. Everything about this moment was right. 

All he can think of as he looks down at your little digits against his broad chest is how damn perfect you are for him.

He doesn’t care at that moment that you’re his fiancée sister, or that he’s twenty-eight and you’re only twenty-two. He doesn’t care about how disloyal this was, he doesn’t care that he’s about to hurt Ashlyn in the worst way possible.

You’re his best friend, you’re y/n. You should have always been him, from the very start. 

This all should’ve been wrong, but it felt so _right._  

Hesitant at first (it was like he was afraid to break your little body) he takes your right hand into his and then he takes a deep breath as he drags it down his toned stomach. 

He drags it lower and lower until it’s on top of his belly button.

The gesture makes you tilt your head so that your lips are hovering just above his skin and you bend your fingers that are on his lower belly so that your fingernails are on the surface of his skin. 

You dig them deep within his skin and his eyes close tight together once more. A hard gasp escapes his mouth.

He looks down at your hand as his mouth is slightly open, his eyes squinting in intense pleasure. 

It surprises him, _you_ surprise him.

You’ve only touched his stomach and he’s already losing control with you.

It scares him what else you could do to him and he’s scared to move your hand to the place he wants you the most.

Because, fuck, if he wasn’t honest with himself.

Neck bending backward, he looks up at the heavens as he swallows hard. His eyes snap open and they’re painted over in pure carnality and disbelief that this was happening now.

This is all he wanted for the last year. **You.**

_The love I felt for her consumed me._

_Why lie anymore? Why hide the truth any longer when you have everything you’ve ever wanted right at your fingertips?_

Because you loved him.

You nod against his back. He knows what you’re saying yes to and he grabs that right hand that is on his tummy into his own right one and he holds it tightly. 

He holds your hand like he never wants to let you go. 

You almost sigh contently at the feel of it.

You lay the left side of your face against his back, bringing your front flushed against his back. You never noticed just how much stronger he was then you than at that second. 

Your fingers unbend and you lay them flat against his flesh. Your right hand is gripping tightly against his stomach, pulling him tighter to you. 

While doing this, he moves up closer to the wall until he feels his breathing bounce off of it. It was hot and his heart was bursting out of his chest.

You were worshiping him and he couldn’t contain his emotions.

Your fingers bend once more against him, your nails digging into his skin. 

He gasps as he stares down at your hand, his eyes half open and black.  

He whimpers. It’s a cry, it’s a plea.

 _Because you loved him._  

Suddenly, he pulls you sharply by that arm until you’re in front of him and your head hits back against the wall.

For a second it hurts, but it’s the last of your worries and concerns right now. 

Everything heats up quickly and you feel your heart making its way up to your throat. You’re breathing so damn and he’s got you wrapped around his damn finger.

He’s looking down at you, lids heavy and his breathing extremely quick. 

Another whimper leaves his throat as he pushes himself up against you.

Your chest is tight up against his as you stare up at him, your small fingers now against his tummy and waist. 

You take that moment that he’s looking down at you to drag your fingers up his chest…his pecks, his throat, and to his cheeks.  

You couldn’t breathe and your fingers go to his little hairs behind his ears and then back around to his soft lips. You touch them, admire them. 

He watches you in awe.

You were an _angel._  

He brings his right hand up to your left one that is on his face and he holds it there against his lips.

All of a sudden, the movements stop and you’re both staring at each other, breathing hard.  

He doesn’t care anymore at this point because he just wants you, in any way he can get you.

You both want to cry as you stare at each other.

You pant. 

You feel Bucky’s left hand raise and hold your chin up. He slides it through the right side of your hair and he’s pulling you towards him in a harsh manner. 

The hammering in your chest increases as you feel the heat of his breath come closer to your face.

The way he’s looking at you, it sends a shiver through your heart and you feel tears lingering in them. No men have ever looked at you the way he was at that very moment. 

With so much admiration, so much want.

You still couldn’t believe that he wanted you. You couldn’t believe that he was okay with this.

He couldn’t take it any longer, with a strong pull he leans down sharply, pressing his lips against yours into a fierce kiss that leaves you powerless. 

The groan that escapes you is inhumane because the explosion behind your eyes is blinding. 

His kiss was **blazing.**

His other hand grabs the other side of your face, running through your hair. You kiss him back just as hard and you tilt your head to the side, allowing him better access into your hot mouth. 

The peak of his tongue dances across your own languidly and your right-hand grabs his right arm, pulling him closer to you.

You felt so tiny against him, so pure. 

But nothing about this was _pure._

He feels how small you are too as his right-hand drifts down from your head and to your neck. He grips you there, kissing you even more roughly like he couldn’t get enough of you. 

You feel his hands drift down your clavicle as his tongue and lips kiss you frantically. It was like he couldn’t get enough of your gorgeous sweet mouth. He drank you like fine wine.

He moves his hands down to your shoulder, and then to the side of your boob next to your arms, against the hot fabric there. 

You were so damn hot through your shirt and he’s gasping into your mouth at the mere touch of it against your shirt. 

His kisses slow down against your lips and you whine slightly as he starts to pull away. Your head falls back and it hits the wall behind you as he slowly kisses the side of your mouth, your cheek, and then down your neck. He lands on your pulse and he sucks there hard, his right hands grabbing your side harshly.

You let out a gruntled moan as you feel him suck on you, his hand leaves your side to grip the opposite side of your neck.  

He pulls away slightly and just breathes against your hot flesh, the simple act making your way eyes clouded.

He pulls back until you both are staring at each other and his thumb plays with your bottom lip.

He stares at it, captivated.

He looks back up until your eyes meet again and this time you’re the one to tilt his chin down with your little thumb. You lean in and sensually drag your lips against his. 

The sounds they make against each other is erotic, glorious. 

You start to pull away when he pulls you in once more, shoving his tongue inside of your mouth. 

A loud groan escapes your throat as his tongue slides against yours.

You don’t know how it happened, but he had walked you back into his bedroom, and before you knew it he was laying you down onto his bed. 

He sat you on his bed, making sure his lips never left yours, meanwhile his right ark stretched out onto the mattress next to you.  

His left hand still held your face.

You pull away breathlessly, but you couldn’t stay away from him any longer, for you still didn’t take in enough of his _taste_.

You pull away just long enough to take in a deep breath before kissing him once more. 

You raise your trembling hands to the sides of his neck and he stops kissing you.

He stares down at you, wondering what would be your next decision. 

He continues to stare down at you, his hair a mess, and he leans down and kisses you again.

This time his kiss is soft.

His kisses are no longer rushed.

The initial thirst of your mouth against his has now been sedated and now he couldn’t get enough of your taste on his tongue. 

You tasted so sweet and he could eat you up _just like this_.

He wants to enjoy this, he wants to keep kissing you for the rest of his life. 

His lips kiss your bottom one languidly and you kiss his bottom lip with so much tender he sighs into your open mouth. He dives in once more with his tongue making you cry in utter happiness.

_finally. finally._

His hand reaches down to the hem of your shirt and he hikes it up until it’s just below your breasts.   

He pulls away from your mouth, but not too far. His eyes fall close in contentment and he leans in, kissing you softly on your forehead. The innocent acts make your heartbeat wildly in your chest. 

Everything about this was precise and beautiful. 

It was _angelic._

You feel his hands slide your shirt up to your arms and over your head. He takes his time watching you.

There was no rush.

Once it’s off, he looks down at you. 

He looked delicious standing between your legs, his hair disarray and his chest already covered in a small amount of sweat. 

His jeans were hanging just slightly below his waist, making the elastic band of his boxes visible. 

Both of your breathing echoed off the walls. 

He looked sinful, _delicious._

He gives you a look that reflects conviction and boldness.

Slowly, he puts his right hand on your chest, slowly pushing you back towards the mattress until you’re laid down beneath him.  

He stretches his left arm above your head and he lays himself above you. His left knee rested on the outside of your right leg and his right knee nestled between your knees. 

You wonder what he’s going to do next as he plays with the hair on the side of your neck,  just looking at you. He twirls it, pulls on it, smooths it down, and he repeats it twice. 

You stare up at him in astonishment as he puts his fingers on the side of your temple and drags it down your cheek and to the left side of your nose.  

He touches you there softly, remembering all your features until they are glued into his memory forever. Even though he knew this wouldn’t be the last time, he wanted to drink it in as much as he could. 

You looked adorable below him, your lips already bruised from heavy kisses, chest flushed from desire and sexual need. Your body rose up and down quickly as he continued his descent past your jaw, down your neck, to your clavicle, and then to your pink-hued chest. 

You tilt your head, looking down at him.

Your breasts are still clothed, thin white material of a simple bra you owned with no padding.

You gasped as his finger trailed the elastic band of it and then down to your abdomen, right down the middle.  His eyes gazed down past your tummy and to the waistband of your jeans. 

You threw your head back as his eyes took you in. 

He couldn’t believe anyone could be so beautiful, so damn perfect. 

His fingers linger on the band of your pants for a moment. His touch is playful. 

Once more, you look back down at him. You needed to see him. 

His chin lays just below your belly button, and he’s staring up at you with those beautiful eyes that you’ve loved since the moment you saw them. 

A whimper leaves your throat at the amount of love he’s transpiring by just a look, and you place both your hands on the side of his face and his soft hair, running your hands through them, just touching him- just loving him. 

You watch as both his hands leave your pants and they slowly itch up the hot skin of your waist and to your sides where you white bra wraps around your body. You watch him in love, watching how he was worshipping your body, loving you, making up for all your wasted time.

He’s never touched or admired another soul like he was admiring yours.

He tilts his head down and places a gentle kiss just below your little belly button. The kiss was so soft it almost hovered. You ever wondered if it really happened. 

He looks up at you, breathing quick, and both of his hands wrap around to the front of your body until each of your breasts is in his palms. 

You feel his hot skin through your nipples and they harden immediately at his touch. 

He watches as your head falls back against the white comforter of his bed, your left leg involuntarily going around his shoulders.

You looked beautiful. _Just like that._

He moved up your body and dips his head down to capture you in a wet and intense kiss, making your pelvis grind up against his. 

He squeezes both your breasts at the same time while you curve up to him in almost an inhuman way, pushing them so close together that the sound that comes out of your throat is a mix between pain and pleasure.

You pull at his hair with both your hands, bringing him impossibly closer to you. You forced your tongue so deep into his mouth, wanting to swallow him whole. 

You couldn’t get enough of him. You just couldn’t.

His hands leave your breasts and he drags one of them down to your hips. 

He kisses you and moves you until he’s got you laid down, head on hid pillows, headboard behind your head.

He takes a small moment to look down at you and he takes in the sight of your body laying beneath him. He can’t believe it’s taken you both this long to end up like this in this position.

He wants to memorize you, he wants to mark every part of your body. He wants to claim you.

His eyes are territorial as he slowly kneels between your open still jean-clad legs. 

You watch as he lowers his legs to lay straight out with the bed until he’s laid on top of you. He leans on his right arm, most of his weight onto the right side of his body. 

Your lips tremble as he grazes his left hand down your chin, neck, chest, between your breasts, and down your navel. His face was still only centimeters from yours.

You gasp as you watch him stop just above your jeans. 

He picks up the side of the comforter until he’s got you both tucked underneath it. As if this was something that had to be just between you two, not even the rest of New York City was allowed to see through his window glass. 

You were for his eyes only,

The small act itself makes you groan.

Suddenly, you feel his hands on the button of your jeans and you bite your lip as you’re staring up at him and into his eyes. 

He bites his own lip as he stares into your eyes, his eyes consumed by complete and utter yearn.

You looked at him with tearful eyes. You close your eyes slowly at the sound of your zipper being pushed down agonizingly slow. 

You give him another languid kiss with mostly tongue as he does so, making wet noises. 

You both look down as he pushes down the side of your jeans. Once your red lace underwear is visible to both of you, your legs open wider.

You couldn’t fucking believe it. Neither of you could. 

You lean in once more to kiss him, except this time you catch his cheek. But you don’t stop, you kiss his cheek over and over until he’s forced to look at you and you kiss the side of his mouth.

He continues to push your jeans down past your smooth thighs and you help him by pushing down the other side as well.

It isn’t until he’s got your jeans down to your knees that you both realize you still have your heels on.

He looks down at them and he considers for a second of just leaving them on - the image making him grow harder for you - but he decides to leave that for next time. 

He wanted this to be perfect.

He didn’t want to just fuck you tonight, he wanted to make love to you and for some reason, that kind of fantasies didn’t seem right in the moment right now.

Which is why he pulls them off for you one by one and then tosses them across his floor.

The sounded they make against the Wood is sinful. 

He continues to pull down your jeans, short nails accidentally scraping against the side of your thighs.

Once they’re fully off, he grabs the side of your face and pulls you in for another deep kiss.

You gasp as you feel his hand reach into your inner thigh, just inches from the spot you wanted him the most.

You moan, hoping this was it. But he surprises you.

Instead, he worships your body once more.

His kisses repeat against your lips until he’s got your tongue tied with his, next he’s giving your face it’s decided attention, followed by your neck, throat, and chest once more.

The heat in the room was unbearable. You couldn’t take it anymore.

He repeats the same kisses from earlier down your body as he shimmies down. Except for this time you’re not wearing pants.

Your head snaps up quickly as he kisses your navel.

The fact that his lips were just inches from your core makes you whimper and you’re legs widen slightly on their own.

Bucky’s eyes are hooded over in black as you feel his two hands grab the side of your thighs, opening you up to him.

You swallow down thickly.  

This was happening. 

He’s laid down between your legs. His body was now covered by the blanket, but it was still hovering slightly off the bed so you could still see his face.  

With slow and timid kisses he kisses your inner legs, the side of your knees, and then up higher and higher.

You felt your core grow wetter for him.  You knew you were throbbing, you felt the blood gushing down to that little bundle of nerves and you knew that when he finally touched it you would scream.

You’re expecting him to finally kiss you there when instead he kisses the little spot just before it on the side of your inner leg. He lets his lips linger there longer than he had on the other spots.

You throw your head back at how torturous he was being but yet how much you were enjoying it at the same time. 

It isn’t until he lays the side of his head there and he closes his eyes tightly together that you realize what it was that he was doing to you. 

It was something you never experienced before and you never thought you would. 

It’s only confirmed when he takes your hand in his and squeezes it tight. You just don’t understand why he would do it…he didn’t feel the same that you did. And even if he did, he had someone else in his life. 

_He couldn’t…_

You look down at him and he slowly opens his eyes.

They look at you with so much love and innocence. Like you were his precious love.

He looked adorable with his unruly hair, lips swollen, laying his head just inches from such an intimate spot of yours like it was the most natural thing in the fucking world. Like you two were made to always do this.

You know what he was doing.

He was making love to you.

This wasn’t just about a carnal need, this wasn’t just about sex or finally tasting each other, this was two years of unspoken whispers, this was two years of misconceptions and secrets being unveiled. This was an expression of how angry you both were for not realizing it any sooner. This was expressing how much you were meant for him.

Your heart cries out as he suddenly raises back up to your face and he kisses you once more.

You cried into his mouth, confused at how much love he was showing you. How he wanted to do this to you when he was in love with somebody else, how he shouldn’t be doing this because it was wrong.  

Nat’s words replay in your head. _He just has a certain way of making girls fall for him._  

 _But what you would give for just one night._  

 _What he would give to win your heart, to claim you as his._

His heart soars at your requited feelings. 

Your teeth clash together as he moaned into your mouth. 

_You were going to make the most of tonight because it would be the last._

Your hands grab his neck harshly as you spin him around until his head is the one against the pillows.  

He looks up at you breathlessly. Your unruly hair fans around your face as you lean down to lick his neck and his jawline. 

Next, you stick the tip of your tongue out, running it across his ear lobe.

His breath catches in his throat and his arm goes up to your head and he pulls on your hair, but not too hard.

You give him the same treatment he had just given you.

You kiss his chest. His nipple was slightly darker than the rest of his body, and it was hard as you flicked it with your tongue.

He groans at the beautiful sensations it gives him.

You lay your right side of your face on his chest and your admire his body before you. You drag your left hand all around his upper body until it’s memorized in your mind - you had to remember it forever because it was the last time- you feel his muscles, the little hairs of his own navel. You drag it to his hip where his jeans lay on his waist. 

He looks down at you breathlessly. 

Your little fingers, oh how he wanted to grab each little one and kiss them tenderly (he couldn’t wait until after tonight when he could have you forever) and to his other nipple. 

You look up at him to see his reaction and his mouth opens slightly as you pull on his nipple with your teeth. After you tweak it once more you drag your hand up to his shoulder and to his cheek. 

You caress him there softly, recording every detail of his face. He swallows hard as he watches you in admiration.

You drag it once more down his shoulder and this time your fingers go to his scars there.

His breath hitches as you touch each one, giving it its divided attention. They were ugly and harsh, and you see the flicker of embarrassment in his face. 

You hated that he despised one of the things that made you fall in love with him in the first place.

You wanted to show him this.

So you do something that shocks him. You lean over his chest and kiss his scars on his shoulder. He watches you in shock, captivated by your gesture.

You open your lips until your tongue is flat against them and you give them a wet open kiss with mostly tongue.

He gasps as he watches you. He watches as a trickle of saliva leaves his arm, leading into your delicious mouth.

You do that to every scar, and on your little journey, you discover more scars you never knew he had. Including one that ran slightly down his side, one on the back of his arm, and eventually one that started above the band of his jeans and then disappears beneath the fabric. 

Soon you’re between his legs and he knows what you’re about to do and he doesn’t know if he’s ready.  

This means so much to him. 

You watch his face as you lay down between his legs just as he did earlier, and you grip the buckle of is belt in your tiny hands.

His gorgeous hand snakes into your hair and he caresses it softly, pulling it to the side. 

The gesture makes you want to cry; especially when his thumb touches your scalp so lovingly.

The sound of the buckle being undone is toxic in your ears.  

The room is silent, except for it.  

Once it’s open, you unbutton his jeans and pull down the zipper slowly just over his ever-growing bulge. 

A deep moan leaves his throat as he helps you pull down the rest of his jeans past his legs.  

Once he’s in nothing but his boxers, you admit him through his underwear. He’s so hard you see the outline of his cock perfectly through the dark fabric. You’re about to reach out with your hand when he pulls you back up by your little arms until you’re above him and he leans up and kisses you deeply.

He doesn’t want you to give him head tonight. Not tonight.

You’re both caught up in another deep kiss when you grind down on him, and a sudden feeling of pleasure racking through both your bodies. You both pull back realizing there’s only one sheet a fabric separating you both from something that would mean everything. 

Bucky didn’t even have to think twice to know he wanted it. 

 _You, on the other hand, was worried about your pleading heart. You didn’t want to be hurt again. But you God how you wanted to make love to him. Your heart was caught between putting him in a terrible position, to you getting hurt, and to going along with this because it was already halfway there._  

Your lips leave his as you leave a tiny kiss on the tip of his nose.

He flips you around slowly until you’re beneath him and he pulls the covers closer to both your bodies.

He stretches one of his arms out on the headboard behind you and with the other, he takes your leg and curves it around his back. 

He jolts up against you until his hardened length is against your core and he grinds there slowly.

You both moan simultaneously at the sensations.

He forces your leg tighter around him and he’s looking down at your open mouth and eyes half-open.

With an impatient hand, he places it just above your underwear. 

He pulls down your red lace slowly. Once it’s off your little toes, he takes the time to admire your body. You feel the red hue of blush on your cheeks. This was Bucky Barnes, your best friend, and he was looking at your bare pussy. This was Bucky Barnes, the love of your life. The nervousness quickly diminishes and you widen your legs wider for him.

You were beautiful. Your tiny pussy was a little darker than the rest of your body but so silky and smooth. He holds back a moan as he takes in just how damn perfect you were made for his cock. His hands glide up the sides of your inner thigh and to the sides of your pussy. Your pussy was so pretty and glistening in the moonlight that peeked in through the window. 

He slides his hands up your pelvis, your tummy, and then he’s laying over you once more. He gives you a soft kiss as he undoes your bra. Your hands go to the band of his boxers and your slowly pull them down his legs. 

When you see him for the first you are captivated by his beauty.

He was gorgeous. His cock was thick and long as it curved up against his belly. Angry veins lined the sides of it, starting just underneath the head. 

You give him another kiss as he pulls the comforter tighter around you both. His left hands returns to the headboard and with his right hand, he grabs his shaft. 

With a moan, he drags his head up and down your silky folds.

You gasp at the sensations, your head sinker further into his pillows. He watches your face and kisses you once more on your forehead. 

With his right thumb, he caresses the top of your head softly. He’s being so caring and gentle.

When he enters you for the first time it’s beautiful and tender. It feels so good that you didn’t know sex without foreplay was possible and so enjoyable. But it is and it’s powerful. 

For the first sexual touch between you two to be so direct and simply put was beyond erotic. 

You still haven’t touched his cock and he’s never touched your pussy, but he was currently inside of you, making love to you in the most sensual way, taking his time.

He’s seethed inside of you and your gripping onto his neck with your arms, your legs around his hips. 

You give him one more kiss once he’s seethed inside of you. You feel full and you feel like you’re glowing. The way you squeezed his dick so well made him see stars once his tip hits your cervix. 

You felt amazing around him, so tight and wet. 

 _So damn wet._  

He continues his soft thrusts, prolonging the pleasure as much as possible. You both enjoy the moment between these four walls. 

The sweat on his forehead builds up as he stares down at you.

And it’s perfect. This was exactly what it was supposed to be: sex. 

There aren’t any crazy positions, neither of you talk, and there are no dirty words. It’s the overall act that is powerful. The sheer reality of his cock sliding in and out of your pussy, beautiful and making the goosebumps on your arm come alive. 

In and out, in and out. 

You both make love like that for about ten minutes, just enjoying each other’s company and pleasure. Enjoying each others little sounds.

It makes you want to cry, it makes you want to scream because you didn’t want this to end.  

Silent tears escape your eyes as he leaves more tender kisses on the top of your head.

He’s grinding on top of you.

Every part of him is touching every part of you; His face to _your_ face, your chest to _his_ chest, his **cock** to your **pussy** , his legs to _your l_ egs, there is no space between either of you and it’s all-consuming and a beautiful dance of love and it’s the best work of art you’ve ever performed with another human being. 

To him, This wasn’t just sex, you two were making love; this was the definition of love. 

He feels you clench around him and the sounds around you both are delicious.

There’s nothing but breathing, squelching, his balls hitting against you in rhythmic beats, and the sound of his headboard hitting up against his wall with each thrust. 

It’s like that for a bit and you moan when you feel him twitch inside of you.

It triggers your impending orgasm and your lovemaking finally enters its next phase. 

The mood in room changes from peaceful to desperation. urgent.

Your panting turns into loud moans and then into deep groans, and next to whimpers.

The feel of him hitting you deep inside - _oh god right there_ \- has your toes twirling in the air.

You let out pleading whimpers and cries, your legs wrapping around his waist pulling him in tighter and deeper into you. 

The blanket that was around his waist starts to slide down his ass and his thrusts grow erratic as he feels the immense pleasure of your tight cunt around his swollen pulsing dick.

Your cunt squeezes him just perfectly in the spots that make him cum. It’s specifically the one little spot under his head and he gasps as it hits you repeatedly and then faster and faster and faster.

His pelvis was hitting your clit just right and you stretch your arm up behind you to keep your head from hitting the headboard. His thrusts grow erratic and you are so damn close.

You pull away to look at him because you wanted to see his face as he came undone on top of you, and his teeth are clenched as he looks down at you below him. His hair has fallen onto his face and it's stuck on him by the sweat. He groans through his teeth as he looks into your eyes, crying for you.

His hips hit the back of your thighs harder.

He stretches both his arms to lean on the headboard behind your head and he rams his hips into you even harder, making you scream.

He’s grunting harshly as he feels his end approaching and he curses himself inside his head when he sees you reach down to rub at your clit. 

_control, control, control._

He throws his head back only for a moment to gather his composure.

He wanted this to be pure and make love to you, and he was going to go through with it, he hates that he nearly lost control as he watches your other hand go behind you to grab onto the headboard. 

You rock back and forth against the blanket beneath you, helping him fuck you.

With one hand holding to the headboard behind you and the other on his waist, you look down to where he’s ramming into you and you gasp out loud.

Your eyes coil together as you feel the burning in your core _growing_.

Bucky moans as your clench around his cock and he harshly grabs the left face of your face.

You look up at him, gapping, and he’s staring down at you with eyes furrowed and lips parted in intense pleasure.

He grunts as he keeps direct eye contact with you, his hips still hitting yours hard.

Your lips purse tight together and your head tilts up slightly as you feel your end approaching.

Just when you’re both about to cum he stops his movements. 

He wraps his arm around your right arm -right under your armpit- and throws it over his shoulders. He reaches it down to your ass, pulling you closer to him and then his hand goes to your head. He runs his hand through your hair until it’s bunched in between his fingers and he holds you impossibly close to him. 

This was beautiful, this was _heartbreaking._

It’s when he rubs his thumb across your scalp like the angel he knew you were that your heart soars.

Like the love of his life that you knew you were.

He’s got you up against him and he’s panting into your shoulder, making gorgeous sounds of lovemaking.

You grasp the back of his head and pull on his hair and then softly caress it, your eyes rolling back into your head. 

It escapes you before you even realize it.

Every memory hits you, every fight you two ever had, every great memory you’ve both shared- _all of it._

“I love you.”  

You whisper so softly into the air it’s almost drowned out by the loud creaking of the bed.  

Bucky whimpers at the words, his heart explodes and he closes his eyes tightly together as he slams into your even harder. 

He pulls on your hair, pulling your head into the crook of his neck.

When your orgasm hits you, you scream into the eyes of the heavens snapping open at how strong it is. The hand that was not on the headboard goes to his ass and you drive him quicker into you, almost desperately, your teeth clenching at the immense pleasure you keep feeling over and over.

He groans loudly, his left hand grabbing onto yours that is on the headboard. He squeezes it tight.

“I love you, _I love you, I love you_ …” he whimpers as your tight cunt around his cock feels delicious and makes him cum harder than he ever has in his entire life.

And it drags on throughout his body, starting at the tip of his cock, to the base of his shaft, to his balls, to his ass, his legs, his torso; all of it feels the pleasure that racks through him as he cums inside of you. 

He screams along with you and you feel him swell inside of you, his seed filling you up to the tilt, and it doesn’t stop.

“Fuck!” He screams loudly, hand slamming down on the headboard making it rattle awfully hard against the wall.

You don’t notice how much you’re both sweating until you’re breathing hard and you tilt your head to look at him as best you could. 

The ends of his hair were soaked against his neck as he panted against you. His hold was still tight on you, not wanting to let you go. 

He was shaking, absolutely shaking. You were shaking too. He slowly dropped you down, and your legs remained tight around his waist.  

Slowly, he lifts his head from the cook of your neck to your shoulder and then his nose hits yours.

His hair is soaked at this point and he's breathing hard, red lips against your own, tears in both of your eyes. 

His eyes are half-closed as he still tries to catch his breath.

You feel like crying as you watch him, this beautiful boy who you had grown to love so much.

Your trembling left-hand leaves the headboard and you use it to caress the side of his face, your thumb running over his wet cheeks.

_[But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go]_

You don’t know it, but you’ve also got wet strands of hair on your forehead. 

Bucky leans in closer to you, and he gives you a wet kiss. He whimpers when you pull away for a second to catch your breath.  

You run the hand that is on his face through his hair, pulling him closer to you. You kiss him deeply as you lift your leg tighter and higher up on his waist, not caring how the blanket slips fully down this time, revealing both of your naked bodies to the world.

_[The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down]_

You allow the intense sleep that follows to ingulf both of you. He doesn’t even bother pulling himself fully out of you and you don’t care either.  

He couldn’t wait until he woke up the next day and spend the rest of forever with you.

 

> * * *
> 
>  You’re awaken by your natural alarm clock that you usually ignore. 

 

For some reason, your body naturally likes to wake you up at five-thirty every morning. You typically would ignore it and go back to bed until your real alarm clock awoke you, but this time you followed it.

It takes you a second to realize that last night hadn’t been a dream.

At some point during the night, he had pulled out of you and you now felt an empty feeling between your legs.

He’s got you in his arms, your back to his chest, his right arm tight around you.

It breaks your heart that this couldn’t happen ever again.

Bucky couldn’t sacrifice his wife for this. And if Ashlyn found out it would break her. 

You pull yourself from his arms. As you stand with one of the sheets around your body, you realize this is the first time you’ve ever been in his room. You look at his things and it breaks you. You didn’t want to leave this. You loved him and he loved you. You felt torn. 

Looking over his stuff you see a Yankee hat and next to it is the little bear you gave him. You feel tears once more make their way up your throat.

Today was his wedding day and you had done something _awful._

You now knew he loved you just as much as you loved him, but it was too late. You had both been too late.

You think this as you kneel on the bed next to him, caressing the side of his gorgeous face as he sleeps peacefully, You look up to the window noticing that the sky was turning a lighter shade of pink and that you had to be fast. 

He would have to start getting ready soon and so would you. Your heart hurt badly as you traced his relaxed features with your tiny fingers. You tried to memorize them and you didn’t miss the trace of a small smile on the sides of his mouth. 

You felt awful.

But it was the right thing to do.

You felt your bottom lip tremble as you sucked in a sob.

Angry at yourself, you stand up sharply, wiping your tears on the back of your hand.

You couldn’t say bye to him directly, it would hurt too much. Quietly, you get dressed and then you look for a piece of paper and a pen. You find a random piece of scrap paper in his home office and your rip a small piece of the corner off.

You scribble down your apology and your goodbye.

Your tiny hands tremble as you fold up the little note. 

Diligently to not awaken him, you slide it right under his pillow. 

When you’re at the door to his bedroom, you give him one last look behind your shoulder before leaving.

* * *

 _How do you do that with your eyes_  
_You know it gets me every time_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reason I dedicated so much to this love scene was because the entire story revolves around it. That's why it was so long. I initially wanted their first love scene to be straight up fucking...I wanted it to be hard and nasty to the point that it ruined everything between them, but then I sat back and I thought to myself what it was that I wanted represent. Truth is, I wanted it to be something that summed up what they felt. I wanted it to be powerful and make a statement. I went from wanting to write an extremely dirty fuck fest to a love making scene where they literally don't even talk - it's just breathing and moans and body worshipping. And I am happy with my choice. I'm really glad of this one and I know this chapter ended on a bad note, but the story has just only begun. ;) 
> 
> Songs used for this chapter was The River Has Run Wild by Mads Langer and then their love scene the oh so popular Gravity by Sara Bareilles. Chariot by Jacob Lee also makes a comeback. I'm still working on the Spotify page. I'm sorry, I've been super busy with work and personal stuff that I haven't had time. But I will get on it, I promise. When the Spotify is done, it will be posted on my Tumblr! allandoflimbo .
> 
> I also hope you guys understand my overuse of italics and bold in this chapter...very important.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed this one. ;)


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Morning After.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language. Cheating. Sad. PLEASE read Author note at the end.. very important... and i apologize for any typos. I literally rushed this one out. I haven't had time to write and was starting to feel bad for leaving you guys waiting. But here you go.

__

_[_ _After all, what if he only loved you so much and not enough?]_

 

It had been years ago, but it couldn’t be broken.

  


With slight hesitation and a convincing stature, you had looked at yourself dead in the eye. 

 

Your hands wrapped around the edge of the dingy cold sink, gripping it tightly in order to control your anger. Your eyes were bloodshot and your knuckles white, matching the walls of the old bathroom. The drain was dark and hollow, its inner piece missing since around the time your were ten years old. Around the drain were splatters of orange and ugly brown, it spread outwards towards the inner ends of the sink, the rust making itself a part of the porcelain. 

  


In your reflection, your tired eyes had drifted down to your lips then slowlydown the middle of your chest where a gold chain hung loosely, a little round pearl hanging off the end of it. Your trembling right hand had gone to the pearl and making your neck as stiff as possible and with a grunt you had pulled the small chain off your body. You felt the soft burning on the back on your neck where the necklace had dented into your skin, but you didn’t care. 

 

It hadn’t hurt as much as your heart did. 

  


Opening your hand, slowly your fingers unraveled from around the jewelry. 

 

You felt sad and immense sorrow as you looked at it - the necklace laid broken in your hand, it’s frayed ends falling off the sides of your palm. 

  


You made a cup with your hand and tilted it in the same angle as the sink. You watched in awe as it slid down the gaping hole of the drain, gone forever. 

  


That was when you had made a promise to that you would never love someone ever again. 

  


It had killed you when you discovered  _it._ You didn’t expect your guard to have fallen, and you hadn’t expected it to be with _him_ of all people.

 

  


Your chest grew heavy with dread months ago when the realization that you’d broken that promise had hit you. It had happened again.

  


You thought you had been convincing enough to not fall for another man, at least not in such an irresponsible way.

  


  


To your dismay, of course you hadn’t convinced yourself and you had allowed yourself to fall in love again and this time it was stronger than it had ever been in your entire life.

  


You were not prepared for any of this. None of this was even supposed to happen. It wasn’t like it was with Eddie or Brock where you had purposely looked for them and with the purpose of a non-platonic relationship.

 

Bucky had been different.

  


Bucky was your  _best friend._ He was your sister’s  _fiancé._

  


_It was a mistake._

 

You felt like an awful person for putting him in this situation. Coming between a man and a woman’s love? That was not you.

  


And that is why you left, why you had to leave.

  


You didn’t dare look back as you picked your bag off his marble counter and your little cardigan that had been draped over his bar stool moments before he had given you that glass of whiskey. 

 

Your eyes lingered there for a second.

  


The glass was still there, sitting in the dark where the sun had not yet reached, and the ice had melted and now pooled at the bottom of the cup - warm and bland.

  


You hadn’t finished it your drink. He had been too busy kissing you, seducing you, making love to you.

  


Your stumble blindly for his door as your eyes remain on the tips of your shoes. You had to keep your head on straight. This had gotten farther than you ever wanted it to.

 

Your breath shakes slightly as you think about what you’re doing. You know it’s wrong, you know it.

 

Your mind keeps telling you to leave, but your heart is fighting with it and telling you to stay. 

 

You ignore your heart because you know its hurt you many times in the past. You no longer trusted it. It’s why you’ve only made awful mistakes thelast few years.

 

You decide to leave.   


You close his door quietly behind you, careful to not awaken him. You didn’t want to deal with a big blow out, another Eddie-heartbreak.

You were a coward and you knew it.

  


A damn coward.

  


Keeping your eyes focused, you run down the too-bright hallway towards the elevator that would take you far away from the sin you had just committed. 

  


You didn’t allow yourself to think about last night and how something that was so wrong could feel so damn right. 

  


You erased your mind of all images and fantasies of you running back into his room and kissing him until he awoke. Touching his face until his bright blue eyes stared back at you. 

  


The carpet flooring of the elevator felt too soft for your liking and you missed the feeling of his dark wooden floors beneath your bare feet and the tips of your toes against his soft cotton sheets.

  


You watched in regret as the elevator doors ding close in front of you, your eyes drifting one last time to his apartment door.

  


You feel your heart getting heavier with each floor that passes, as it took your farther away from him. 

  


_You were doing the right thing, weren’t you?_

  


The doors ding too soon for you liking, and the cool air of the lobby makes you cringe internally. You missed the warmth of his bed, the heat of his strong arms.

  


You feel an additional tremble in your bottom lips as you continue your way past the front desk and security.  


Your legs can’t stop shaking and you know that you need to sit, or at least get out of there. 

  


You know you’re running and you know you look suspicious but you don’t care. 

  


Desperately, you ignore the heavy pumping of blood in your ears. 

 

  


_I love you. I love you._

 

You hear his voice in your head.

  


As if in agonizing pain, you run your hand through your hair, pulling on it hard as you ran faster. 

  


You run through the revolving doors out of the hotel out into the warm air, and everything around you howls.

  


The sounds of the city already awake circled around you, but all you could hear were his words. 

  


You look up at the beautiful still dark blue sky and you try to take in the gentle wind as it blew through the clouds and the over filled trees, but all you could feel were the lingering ghost touches of his soft fingers against your torso. 

  


You try to smell him once more (as if trying to dig up a memory), but instead, you just smell the musty, but yet sweet, smell of Manhattan. 

  


It was a mixture of air conditioner fluid and the occasional honey roasted peanut.

  


You had been calm and collected within his four walls, trying so hard to keep your composure and do what you thought was right, but the second you threw yourself against the side of his building, you sobbed uncontrollably into the small sweater within your grasp. 

They racked through your body in harsh waves, starting at your knees as they buckled to the concrete. You felt the pain in your headas you pulled on it hard. Your finger tips of your other hand left your mouth and you dug them harshly into the brick wall behind. You gently lowered yourself to the ground as more angry sobs left you.  


Concerned eyes looked at you as they passed you by, eyes judging and also questioning. but you could care less what they thought as you closed your eyes tightly together, soft whimpers leaving the break of your over kissed lips.

 

  
His face and the memories from last night replayed over and over in your head as you felt your heart falling and begging for some kind of release from the pain. 

 

Your left leg bends in as your lay your elbow on your knee. Closing your eyes tight once more, a strong sob racked through your chest and you brought the sweater again to your face. The fabric against your face became soaked and slimy from your hot tears. 

  


  
You opened your lids slightly to stare down at the beige fabric that was now turning a shade of brown from your tears.

  


You sucked in your bottom lip as it trembled. You were irrevocably in love with the man that laid in his bed just a couple of feet above you.

 

_Just go back._

  
You scream at yourself.

 

_Baby, I want you more than anything. Please believe me._

 

You say as you stare up into oblivion.

  


You knew that you could go about this an entire different way. One that could potentially turn into something great.

 

All you had to do was turn back around into that door and run back into his arms.  

 

It _wasn’t_ too late yet and you had time, you _knew_ this.

 

But you weren’t that kind of girl. 

You couldn’t take him away from your sister and it’s not like he would even want to anyway. He loved you, but you doubted that he loved you as much as you loved him and you weren’t prepared for that kind of hurt again.

 

Not again.   


You could at least tell him goodbye personally and not through a damn note. 

 

But, again, it was too damn hard. 

  


You knew he wouldn’t understand why you had to do this, and it would kill you just as much as it would kill him. You wouldn’t have the strength to pull away just like you didn’t last night. 

  


What you did to your sister, behind her back, it _killed_ you. 

 

You threw your head back against the wall and stared up at the sky until your breathing calmed down and your tears finally stopped. 

 

You cursed the weather for being so damn perfect. You cleared your throat.

  


It wasn’t what you wanted to do and you knew it was heartless, but it was the right choice. You would face this day and then you would do what you needed to do that was best for the both of you which was leave his life. 

 

You would allow him to have the happy ending he deserved.

  


And if there was one thing you weren’t - it was a home wrecker. 

 

You quickly realize that since you didn’t spend the night at home that you don’t have your dress on you and that you also needed a quick shower before heading to the church. You look down at your watch and you’re glad that you still have close to two hours. 

* * *

The sun peaks in through the pristine glass, its orange and yellow rays radiating off the floor, peaking just lightly onto the white comforter of the king-sized bed. 

  


Bucky laid belly down, his left hand tucked under the pillow, while the other laid on his side. His unruly dark brown hair was sprayed over his pillow, his eyes squinting from one of the orange rays that manages to hit the corner of his closed eyes. 

  


He sees light but his body feels like it’s floating. Relaxation takes a hold of his body as he hums in contentment, spreading his right leg a little wider. The cool sheets feel amazing against his bare skin. His white comforter just  _briefly_ touches his cock and he’s instantly remembered of what happened last night.

 

You two had made love and he doesn’t think he’s ever been happier in his entire life.

  


 A small smile plays on his lips as he throws his arm to the side, preparing to grab onto your waist and pull you closer to him. 

 

He always figured you were a cuddling type of person and he wanted to do a lot of that.  


It takes him a second to realize that as much as he was trying, he wasn’t feeling you behind him, he groped and touched but all he could feel was more blanket and cotton. 

 

His eyes open slightly, cringing at the raising bright light in the sky. 

  


He lifts his head up slightly with a groan and he looks down at himself. His blanket laid just below his waist line.

 

He looks over to see you weren’t laying there. He smiles to himself at the thought of you making breakfast for him in nothing but your cute little t-shirt. He wanted to walking up behind you and pull you close to him. He couldn’t wait to have you for himself.  


This was no longer his wedding day, but yes the first day of forever with you.

  


He softly tosses the blanket to the side. After he slips on his boxers, he makes his way to the door of his bedroom. 

 

With a smile he opens it wide, eyes scanning for you.

 

“Y/N?” His voice is sturdy.

  


He momentarily stalls when he sees all the lights off and a serene quietness envelope around him, resembling that of an empty home.

 

His eyes furrow.

  


He walks down the hall and into his master bathroom. 

 

Maybe you were taking a shower. His lips perk at the sides as he pictures you in his head as you took a hot shower.

  


He opens the door to the bathroom slowly, being sure to not startle you.

  


“Sweetheart?” He says softly with a gentle and rhythmic knock.

  


After no response, he opens it all the way to see and looks inside.

 

It was empty, no sight of you anywhere.

  


He doesn’t know why but he gets a worried feeling in his stomach, like something was wrong but he wasn’t sure what. 

 

Had something happened? Did you go somewhere? Why couldn’t you wait for him to awake?   


His bare feet echo through the home as he runs a hand through his messy hair.

  


Bucky goes into his room and looks for his phone. He didn’t have much time to find you before everyone would start showing up to get ready for the wedding. He was hoping you’d both be gone by now, getting everything packed into a cab and headed to the hotel he already had booked in anticipation of things going as smoothly as he thought it might.

  


He spots his phone on the floor next to his night stand and he’s about to walk over to it when something peeking from under his pillow catches his eye. 

 

His eyes furrow when he notices it’s piece a of paper.

  


Leaning over, he snatches it quickly and unfolds it.

 

**I’m sorry I did this. Goodbye, Bucky.**   


 His stomach falls as he reads the scribbled writing.

 

  


He can’t breathe. His vision blurs as he tries to take in the words you left him. 

  


_You left him._ **_You left him._ **

  


His breathing picks up as he crumples the note in his hand,and the hot air from his lungs comes out of his nose in angry huffs. He licks his lips, blinking wildly as he tries to contain his emotions. He feels his heart beat pick up while he stares at his various clothing scattered across the floor. 

 

He swallows down the pain he feels in his throat, a sudden on set on unexpected tears trying to make its way out of his eyes. 

 

Tears of betrayal.

  


He had never felt the way he was feeling right now. His hands tightened in fists and then opened up again.

 

He walks slowly to the window of his room, his hands shaking. He bites his bottom lip so hard he draws blood as he scans the city line, somehow looking for you. As if, somehow, he could see you from where he was.

 

_You left him._  

  


You were his love, and you _left_ him.

  


With a gruntled groan and an animalistic roar he throws the note against the glass. He struts over to his bookshelf, his posture tall and steady. 

 

His eyes burn and he’s hyperventilating as he rips everything out off the shelves, throwing it carelessly across the floor.   


Once his hand is around the teddy bear, he holds it tight until his knuckles are white and finally he allows himself to cry.

  


He growls as he throws it across the room. The plush toy bounces off the wall, its little eyes looking at him mockingly. 

 

In a fury and blurry hot eyes, he rips the blankets off his bed. He wasn’t sure what he was trying to accomplish by doing that but he felt the sudden urge to get rid of everything that had you on it

 

Your sweat, your juices, your tears, all of you, it had touched the cotton and it pained his heart.

 

He sobs as he rips everything apart.

  


“No, no!” 

 

Hot tears run down his face. He’s on his knees and he feels them turning red from the friction of the floor rubbing against them. He pulls on his hair as his back falls back against his wall. 

  


Leaning over, he opens his closetdoor and pulls out a suitcase. Sniffing hard, he unpacks it all: extra credit cards, extra cash, a card key, and an extra set of clothes for you and him. He throws the suit case across the room as well. 

 

He runs his hands through hair and he sobs harder as he stares at the items scattered across his floor, looking at the mess he had made.

  


Why would you do this to him? Why would you hurt him this way?

  


He should’ve told you of his plans, he knew he should’ve, but he had to be sure first. After you told him you loved him he would tell you everything that morning. 

  


Why would you do this? Why would you make it believe that you would run away with him?

  


After his breathing is calm, he looks for his cell phone again. He rummages through clothes and blankets. 

  


He needed to call you, find you, talk to you. He was at lost to what to do for the rest of the day, the rest of his life. 

 

He needed you. 

  


He hears knock at his door and all his movements stop.

 

_No._   


Quickly, he tidies everything up as much as he could. 

 

Reality washes over him like a cold shower and he’s shoving all the items into a suitcase and into his closet. He was trying his best to hide any evidence of what he had planned for the day,

 

Once the closet door is closed, he quickly tosses everything back onto the bed, including the comforters and blankets that still smelled of you. 

 

He runs his hands up his face into his hair and looks around making sure he didn’t miss anything. 

  


An additional knock scares him and he quickly realizes he should at least put a shirt on. 

 

Leaving his room, he makes sure to close the door behind him. Even with everything cleaned up, he got a weird feeling leaving it open.

  


He walks through the living room and to his front door. Bucky takes a deep breath before opening it.

  


Sam and Steve stood there with soft smiles. 

 

Steve has a tux in his hand and so did Sam. 

  


“Hey.” Sam smiles brightly at him, a smug on his face.

  


_No._. his head kept saying. _This wasn’t right._

  


Bucky runs his hand through his hair nervously trying to figure out what to do to get out of this.

  


But get out to go where? Where did you go? Get out to go to a random hotel room by himself? He would never cause himself such embarrassment.

  


“Today’s the big day, man. You ready?” Steve asks nervously, taking note of Bucky’s lack of enthusiasm and tired eyes. He knew his best friend well and he could immediately sense that something was not right.

 

Bucky spins around, stress overwhelming him.   


“Isn’t it a little early?” He mumbles under his breath.

  


He wonders what would’ve happened if they had gotten here while you and he were leaving if you had decided to stay.

 

Everything was a mess. 

  


“You get married in four hours. I think the girls are already getting their hair and makeup done, Buck. We have to make sure you are relaxed and focused. Figured we’d hang here for a bit to have breakfast and then head to the church in an hour, meet up with everyone else. My parents said they would be there around 7:30.”

  


Bucky nods, but he’s not listening.

  


“Are you okay?” Sam asks in aconcerned tone as he lays his suit down on the counter.

  


“Yeah, just give me a second.” He mumbles before making his way into the bathroom.

  


Steve and Sam share a look. 

 

They wait until the bathroom door is closed.

  


“Something definitely is _not_ okay,” Sam says.

  


Steve’s face is stern, an itching feeling that he didn’t like too well crawling up his chest, “No. No, it’s not.”

  


Bucky stares at himself in his mirror. 

  


Why would you do this to him?

 

He couldn’t get married. He didn’t Ashlyn the way he loved you. But he also thinks about the contracts he had signed. 

 

It was one thing to break one of the contracts and then getting away with you, but breaking it and getting away with nothing was a completely different story. 

 

What if he didn’t even find you today?

  


He knows he shouldn’t care about the damn contracts but he wanted it for _you._ He wanted to give you everything, he had a plan.

  


This wedding seemed more like a business mission than anything.  


He would have to tell Ashlyn eventually. He couldn’t hide it from her.

  


Bucky closes the door behind him once he’s finally calm and collected.

  


“Feeling better?” Sam asks.

  


“Yeah.” He lies.

 

Steve doesn’t smile.

* * *

 

Ashlyn spun happily in front of the large mirror. The victorian edges of it crowned around her frame, the edges of her white dress twinkling in the sun light that came in through the window of the church.

 

Her bright smile lit up her face as she thought about what today would be for her. It would be the beginning of her future, the beginning of everything else.

 

She was ecstatic.  


Nat smiled behind her as she delicately placed her veil on the top of her head. All the other girls sat cross-legged in their pink satin robe as they watched.

 

“ _Awww!_ ”

 

“You look _so_ beautiful.”

 

Ashlyn smiled as she met each one of their eyes. When she met Natasha’s, Nat could see the slight disappointment in them. You weren’t there. 

 

You were supposed to be the one putting the veil on her head, buttoning the velvet buttons on the back of her lace dress.  


Ashlyn had asked Nat about you after she mentioned that she still had not received a text back from you and she was growing worried. You were supposed to be here a half-hour ago, makeup and hair already did.

 

Nat’s face had fallen dramatically as she remembered last night. She was scared, but she tried her best not to think about it too much, hoping that she was just over thinking it all. 

 

She prayed that nothing happened. She was beyond relieved when Ashlyn had told her that Bucky texted her and letting her know that the boys would be at the church soon, too.

 

Nat was relieved, nonetheless. 

  


The red head’s fingers were just placing the beautiful veil on top of Ashlyn’s shoulders when there was a sound of the door closing shut behind her. Everyone looked up, Ashlyn’s eyes meeting yours in the mirror.  


Your breath caught in your throat as you saw her standing there. Her dress was beautiful and so was her veil. Her makeup and hair had been done beautiful, curls cascading down her back and eyes piercing through the air. She looked beautiful and soon there was a small trace of tears in her eyes. 

 

You were here.

 

The memories of last night with the mixture of seeing her standing there hit you like a fucking train and you felt I huge pain in your chest.

  


Caught in a trance, you slowly make your way over to her. 

 

It pain had become unbearable and you felt awful for what you did to her. But at the same time you wanted it to be you. You were _jealous,_ you were in a rage of heartbreaking emotions.

 

Your void Nat’s nagging eyes on you the entire time. 

  


“You look,” you say softly as eye the rest of her dress down to her train, “ _wow_.”

 

You know you were late, but you had driven as fast as life would allow you to. You had quickly brushed your teeth, showered, done your makeup and hair and grabbed your dress and ran out the door. 

 

But you came.    


You had made the right choice, you try to tell yourself. The guilt ate away at you, knowing that you had slept with your sister’s fiancé, but as you saw her in the mirror you knew it had to the right choice. You couldn’t steel her happiness away like that. 

And that’s when you vowed that you would never tell her about what happened, you would never tell anyone. 

  


And you had to run away. 

 

Your heart hurt badly. 

 

Once again, you had loved too much and it was someone you couldn’t have. You knew Bucky would understand because, even though he did tell you he loved you, you knew it wasn’t in the same way he loved Ashlyn. 

 

He wouldn’t dare leave her for you.

  


You’re tracing the skin of her upper arms when you feel a tight grip on your elbow.

  


You look over to see Nat glaring at you. 

 

You clear your throat as you look down at your dress that is draped over your arm.   
  
“Okay, I’m gonna put this on and I’ll be right out to help you.”

 

Ashlyn nods as you walk over to the little hallway that led to a more private area where you could change.

 

You’re just about to unbutton your jeans, hands shaking and throat burning, when a voice interrupts you.   


“Where were you?” 

 

You ignore her for a little longer than necessary before answering.   


“I’m sorry I’m late, Nat. But I’m here, aren’t I? Isn’t that what matters?” It comes out harsher than you intended it to.  


 

“You’re late.”  


 

You’ve got your jeans pulled around your thighs when you spin your head up to look at her, your face red and overfilled with emotions.

 

“But I’m here.”

  
Nat stares at you for a beat longer before looking down at your dress and nodding.

 

“You are.”  


* * *

In front of the big church, he feels its cold shadow towering over him, blocking him from the calming heat of the August sun.  


The height of the structure intimidated him. It made him feel a burn in his stomach and he began to feel nausea. His blue eyes trickled over the details of the gorgeous church. 

 

When he had chosen this place a year ago, he had been ecstatic and happy. 

 

Looking at it now, he felt anything but.   


A strong smell of lilies blew through the air as a small gust blew through, making the full-blown trees above him sway through the air. The rays of the sun peaked in through the leaves creating a beautiful halo down the sidewalk. 

  


He’s faintly reminded of his mother. 

 

He had been just eight years old and he had been at this exact location for a funeral. In the car, one of the buttons came off his suit jacket from playing with it so much and his mother had looked at him with sympathetic eyes as it laid in his tiny hand. Pulling a needle and string that she always carried with her in her bag, she knelt down in front of him outside of the car and began to stitch it back on.

  


The weather had been similar to today, and it sickened him. 

 

He no longer had happy memories left to hold onto, nothing good but the memory of last night. 

 

What you had done was wrong. But he needed to still find you.

 

He needed to know what was going on. 

 

He needed to see you again.

  


“Dude. Come on.” Steve mutters as he stared down at him from the top of the steps.

 

With his suit in his hand and one more hard swallow, he walks up the taunting steps that would lead him to something he could no longer back away from.

* * *

 

He thought that once he had his suit on that everything would be okay. That maybe it would help him think straighter, make him more powerful and determined to do what he had to do.

 

He thought it would help. 

 

But as he slid on his shoes, his eyes burned and his head became clouded with all thoughts of you and what you did. He felt tainted, betrayed, and empty.

 

He couldn’t take it.  


With a tie of his left shoe he feels exhaustion overwhelm his entire being. His left arm drops between his legs while his right one goes to the side of his head. Hunching foreword in the chair, he shoves his face into his hands and cries.

  


Steve and Sam watch as their friend falls apart in front of them.

 

They don’t say anything as they watch him, shocked. Heavy cries broke throughout Bucky’s body as he sobbed into his hand.   
  
He didn’t care anymore that his friends were watching, he couldn’t take the pressure from holding it in.

 

Sam swallows hard as he pulls Steve aside.   


“What’s wrong with him, man?”

 

Steve sighs deeply.  


“I don’t know. Should we say something?”  


Eventually, Bucky pulls his face away from his hand. He had become red and his chest was moving up and down rapidly as he sniffed and tried to control his breathing. He widens his legs as he leans his elbows on each knee, bringing his hands together and in front of his face.

 

He had to find you, he was determined to find you before the wedding. He had to.

With more sniff, he sits up and clears his throat. His lips were soaked and his eyes red. He licks his lips, avoiding his friend's gaze. 

 

He stands up and pulls on his lapels, his head high.  


“Let’s do this.” He mumbles as he pulls on the tie harder.

  


“Are you sure?” It’s the first time Steve’s been doubtful of the entire situation. Up until now, he had always rooted for Ashlyn and Bucky to court out their issues, but seeing the sate of his friend, he knew something was up. 

 

Something about it doesn’t sit well with him, and he’s deathly afraid of knowing what it was that was bothering him so much.  


“Yes I’m goddamn sure,” He says a little harsher than he intended it to. He runs his hand through his hair as he spins to look at them, “because what other choice do I have? Tell me, what else can I do right now?”  


“Bucky, what is going on? Did something happened between you and Ashlyn?” Sam asks concerned.

 

Steve just stared at him, glaring.

  


“No, it’s just,” He sighs, “whatever it is it’s too late now.”

  


“What’s too late?” Sam asks. 

 

Steve is afraid to know as he continues to stare at him.

 

“It’s too late to just leave her hanging. I did love her, I did, but it’s just things got in the way and I had a _plan_ , and everything went totally the opposite direction and I didn’t think it’d get this far.”

 

Sam looks at him, completely confused.   


 

“You’re the one that proposed to her.”  


 

“You don’t think I know that, Sam?”  


 

“Buck, please just tell us if you want out of this. You shouldn’t go through with this if you feel like something is stopping you, or making you doubt yourself.”

 

Bucky scoffs.

 

You _left him._   


 

“I’m fine. I’m fine.”

 

No, he wasn’t fine. He had to find you. He had to see you.

* * *

He looks for you in the hallway while he’s with the guys in the hallway. He looks for you when he looks over to the entrance of the church, waiting for you to walk through and tell him how sorry you were and you just freaked out and that you could both get the hell out of there.

 

He looked for you when he took a deep breath before walking through the double doors of the church where hundreds of people sat waiting. Where his family was, his friends, press - everyone.

 

He felt like he was going to pass out as he walks to the front of the alter, his eyes scanning everywhere for you as if he figured maybe you weren’t even in the wedding anymore. 

 

But you are nowhere to be seen.

 

He realizes where he is and he’s frozen. He swallows hard various times as heavy bile tries to crawl up his throat.

 

“You’re okay, Buck.” Steve, his best man, tells him as he stands right next to him.

  
Bucky takes in a deep breath.

People gathered around smiling and whispering as they watched him standing in the front, people already taking pictures of him.

 

He hated it, he hated this.

  


He wanted to run out the door, he _wanted_ to. 

 

But something kept stopping him. Maybe _he_ was a coward. 

 

But where would he go after this? To a life without you? 

 

He was marrying a woman and it was supposed to be a serious thing, it was supposed to make him realize how serious this decision was, but something about you seemed to blur his mind as if it was blurring the line between reality and making correct choices. 

 

You. You messed his mind up.

 

Sure, he knew that he could have any other woman, it didn’t have to be Ashlyn. But he did love her at one point, and he was a good man. He tried o see the good in people no matter what.

 

He _was_ a good man.

 

Now he was a cheater, and he was still going through with it.

 

It ate away at him like a flesh-eating disease.

 

He didn’t know what to do.   


At least he thought he didn’t until he saw the one thing he didn’t expect to see so soon. 

 

The one time he wasn’t looking for you, and when he had expected to see someone else.   


It was you. He didn’t even notice that the music had already begun and that everyone had already stood up to look or that the other bridesmaids had already walked down.

 

He breath catches in his throat and he feels an almost whimper leave his mouth.

 

You were beautiful. 

 

His heart cries at how everything about the situation looked. You were walking down the isle, towards him, but no you weren’t his bride. You were the women that he had slept with hours ago and left him broke and with so many questions.  


He wanted to be mad at you the second he saw you but all he was was captivated. 

 

He gets a weird foreshadow feeling as he watches you walk down the isle.

  


You were looking down at the floor as your peach-colored dressed dragged beneath you against the rose pedals that the little flower girl had thrown.

You couldn’t look at him because you knew you would fall apart.

  


_Look at me._ His eyes were saying. _Please look at me, baby._

  


You felt a weird pull, and as much as you tried not to, you made eye contact briefly.

  


Your heart explodes when you see the way he’s looking at you. 

 

So much admiration. 

  


Your body reacts immediately, your skin burns and your core heats up as the memories from last night sway over you in hot and rippling.

  


You feel his hips against the back of your legs, you hear his heavy breathing in your ear, and his hand gripping the headboard roughly as it banged against the wall.

  


You hear his moans, and you hear the way he told you he loved you.

  


You rip your eyes away from his as you feel the tears coming up your throat. 

  


You were an awful person. 

 

You both were.

 

You wanted to run out of there, you wanted to run away and crawl into a hole and fall apart.

 

Bucky wanted to run out of there with you in his arms.

 

The music changes to the wedding march and Bucky’s eyes tear up. 

 

When he sees her, his heart shatters.

 

He was no longer a good man.

 

Why the fuck was he doing this?   


He wouldn’t deny it, but Ashlyn looked beautiful, too.

 

Her dress was tight and slim, modest, and her veil cascading down her arms and face. It was massive and taunting.

 

Everyone awes and flashes go off, especially the photographers for Vogue and _W_.

 

Bucky swallows hard the closer she gets to him.

 

Steve pats him on the shoulder.

You couldn’t look. You tried, but you had to keep blinking and looking away.

 

It hurt too much.   


When Ashlyn finally arrives in front of Bucky, he takes her hand in his and he notices that her hands are trembling. 

 

She smiles sweetly, tears in her eyes.

 

Bucky looks scared, terrified.

 

They say their vows, Bucky swallows hard the entire time trying to keep himself at bay and you want to scream. 

 

This was a mess, everything was a mess.

* * *

 

Before they exchanged their rings, the minister had asked if anyone had any objections. 

 

It was dead silent, and it was a fearful moment filled with prayers and tension. But Bucky became apprehensive, his eyes drifting to look at you behind Ashlyn.   


_Please say something._

  


He wanted to you stand up for them, he wanted to you to stop this, he wanted you.

  


But when you said nothing, your face still cold as stone, his heart pummeled hard and he realized then and there that you didn’t want him as much as he wanted you. 

  


His bottom lip trembles slightly, his eyes returning to Ashlyn’s. 

 

Once the minister returns to talking, the atmosphere is calm again and they exchange their vows and rings.

 

Bucky tries his best to control himself as he slides the ring onto Ashlyn’s finger and hers onto his.  


“I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Barnes, you may kiss your bride, James.”

  


Both of your hearts broke together.

  


He leans into Ashlyn, breathing hard. 

 

You can’t breathe and you look away. 

 

You couldn’t look.

  


With a small peck to her lips, mixed with tears and a soft whimper, he kisses his wife softly.

* * *

Pretentious. Prestigious. Overrated. buoyant. 

  


That’s the words the guests used to describe Ashlyn and Bucky’s wedding when they first received their wedding invitation. 

  


THE PLAZA 

768 5TH AVE, NEW YORK, NY

  


Any girl in their right mind would be jealous of Ashlyn. Not only was she marrying the most eligible Bachelor in the city, but she was getting the wedding of every girl’s dream.

 

The best jazz band in the city was booked to play and the reception had been going smoothly well for everyone. 

 

Everyone except for you.

  


You dried your tears as much as you could in the bathroom. After the ceremony, everything seemed to have gotten a hundred times worst and you couldn’t stand to be at the location for any longer. You had tried your best as maid of honors, doing your honorable duties, but eventually, you caved.  


“It’s okay, y/n. I’m so sorry.” Nat said soothingly as she rubbed your shoulders from behind.

  


“It’ll be okay, I’ll be okay.” You kept repeating to yourself as you hyperventilated into your tissue.  


“You’re strong,” Nat whispers. She felt pity for you because no way this situation was easy for you. She had had doubts earlier this morning, but when she saw how well behaved everything actually went on your part and after she had seen you watch the love of your life and your sister get married, she felt bad for you. 

 

“How long do you think you can make it?”

  


“Not very long.”

  


 You say pathetically, dabbing the soggy tissue under your eyes, careful to not remove too much of your makeup.

 

“I’m sorry, but I can’t stay here.”

* * *

He knew he was officially a married mad, but he still looks for you. After the ceremony, you had dipped and he couldn’t find you again.

  


He needed to speak to you, he needed to ask you all the questions that were swirling in his head. 

 

He was officially a bad man, an awful significant other so he had no shame and admitting to himself the one reason he wanted to find you.

 

He had to tell you one more time that he loved you.

  


He chases for you at the reception but you are nowhere to be found.

  


You see his searching eyes from one of the seats in the corner of the banquet hall. But you don’t give into it. It was wrong.

 

You sat there quietly, and you thought you could watch them just for a little longer.

 

Just one more dance, you kept telling yourself.

 

You thought you could handle just ten more minutes of it but you couldn’t.

It’s when you’re getting up out of your seat, and pulling your dress up so you could walk faster when Bucky spots you over Ashlyn’s shoulder.

 

His eyes furrow when he realizes that you were walking to the door, you were leaving.  


 

Steve is talking to Sam across the other side of the room when he sees you. 

 

He excuses himself from Sam and makes a run after you.

 

You felt heavy and you needed to get away. You needed to escape the thumping music behind you. 

  
Everything about that room behind you scared you and hurt you and you could no longer take any of it.

 

You feel more streams of tears run down your face as nagging thoughts kept following through your head. 

 

_What if I had just stayed that morning?_

 

_But he wouldn’t have left her for you._

 

You didn’t deserve it- love. You were worthless. 

 

You were so sure that after just a few hours after the heat of your sex had diminished that he would have had it out of his system. 

 

His _I love you_ had been something that came out from being in the moment, it just had to be.

  


But at the same time, you couldn’t stop yourself from thinking about what if you were wrong.  


You see the doorman through the glass and you’re about to make a run when something stops you, a voice.

  


“ _Y/N_.”

  


You’re gasping as you close your eyes together, trying to gathering your composure before turning around. A sob gets stuck in your throat and your grip on your dress tightens.

  


He looks at you and what he sees scares him. 

 

Everything is scaring him and he doesn’t know why.

  


“You’re crying.”

 

He says softly, simply.

 

You just stare at him, your face contorted in pain. You open your mouth to speak but no words come out. He waits for you to talk, but instead, you wipe your nose on the back of your hand and turn back around.

 

Everything was hurting you.

 

Bucky’s running into the lobby when suddenly he stops. 

 

Because there is Steve standing and looking at the door where you just walked out of. 

 

Steve doesn’t need to turn around to know who was behind him and he’s scared to know why his best friend ran after her too.

  


He remembers the same way Bucky cried earlier that day and he’s afraid to know any details.

 

Anger boils in his gut and so does heavy jealousy. He was irrational.

  


He spins around to face Bucky, a disappointed look in his eyes. 

 

Bucky swallows hard as their eyes meet, the revelation of the entire scene scaring them both.

 

Bucky’s breathing hard from running and Steve looks away. 

 

With a heavy stance, he walks past Bucky, purposefully hitting his shoulder on the way.  


Bucky knew he had some explaining to do but he was also too preoccupied with thoughts of you to deal with his best friend right now.

 

His eyes dart back up towards the exit and he continues his run out. He accidentally hits the door man as he stumbles out, and mumbles a quick apology before look around for you. 

 

He sees others outside, some even are his guests and they stare at him confused and in concern. 

 

He doesn’t see you, and he runs his hand through his hair. 

 

He looks one more time to his right, but this time he sees it. 

 

He sees the bottom of your peach dress getting into a cab. He heart soars and he makes a run for you.

 

But it was too late. You had slammed the car door close and your cab pulled out, zooming down West 58th st. 

 

You were gone.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so this will be a big one…and I know author’s notes are usually looked over or people don’t really pay it mind but I hope you do read this one. 
> 
> First off, the kind of feedback, reaction, and reviews that I got for the last chapter…It blew me out of the water. I was not expecting it in any way shape or form. I knew you guys were enjoying this little story, but I cannot explain to you how shook and speechless I was. Just to give you a general idea, it took me two to three weeks just to start reading all of them and replying to all of you. Mainly because my head couldn’t wrap around the generosity and just…you honestly have no idea how much I had to sit back and let it all settle in because it was not settling in. 
> 
> When I first started this story it was just supposed to be a little thing to get me brewing and “stretching” for my other fic that (at the time) I was writing on the side that was supposed to be my main story. I wasn’t really expecting this one to get the reaction it did, and I don’t think it really hit me until around chapter 10 how much you guys actually enjoy this and I wasn’t really believing it. This was going to be a little thing just for fun, I don’t even have a beta for it, and I barely double read it, it wasn’t one of those pieces like the ones I’ve written in the past where I dedicate my all to it…but after I got the reaction I started to get, I started to look at this story at a different way and it scared the SHIT out of me. I went from writing it easily and quickly to rewriting chapters, being afraid to knowing what to write because I felt a lot of pressure to entertain. Staring at the blank screen of my MacBook for hours…scared out of my mind.
> 
> I know it’s silly lol and it’s just fan fiction but it really hit me around chapter 10 how well received this is and that’s when chapters started taking longer to come out. 
> 
> The reason this update took so long was because of things currently going on in my life, not necessarily bad things but just a lot. I’m in film school, I’m also working a full time job in a stupid office (sometimes doing overtime to afford my dumbass bills) on the same days, there’s always weddings and family gatherings that I can’t avoid, my friends are always asking me to hang out and by the time I realize it, I only have a few paragraphs written and it’s two weeks later lol. Not to mention I haven’t taken a proper vacation in five years LOL. 
> 
> So, its been a bit hard lately. I’m hoping starting in the fall things will be easier but I can’t make any promises. But I do promise that this story will not be abandoned, I just need you guys to have patience with me for a bit, especially because I want to make the story as best I can and not just bullshit it. 
> 
> End of August to mid September is also a hard time for me because around 9/11, it always hits close to home for me and I get depressed, in a weird ominous way. So yeah that too.
> 
> Once again, I apologize that this took so long and I hope you don’t hate me too much for it. This chapter was awful because i still didn't have time to work on it but i kept you waiting for so long that i rushed it...and i can't do that. I don't like when i dont give things my all. this wasn't it.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're transitioning into an entirely different level of complicated. Bucky and Ashlyn are married. And it's bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this isn't a Tuesday - Thursday, but I finished this one early. : ) I'm working on a writing schedule that will make it easier for me and so far it's working great.

* * *

 

It had become routinary.

 

Like an immortal soul or a person without any malice and without non-malice intent, you’d carry on and on.

 

You’d wake up at five-thirty am, take a hot shower, go for a run, take another shower, get dressed for work, stop by your choice of restaurant that week, pick up cat food, feed Pebbles, clean the house, take another shower, put on your PJs, and binge-watch _American Horror Story_ until it was too late to decide if it was actually too late to go to bed.

 

It took exactly one week into your emotional break down for you to realize that your life had to be this way in order for you to succeed. It was the only way you could keep yourself distracted from the other thoughts of guilt that would lead to ultimate heartbreak.

 

You had left Ashlyn’s life in a way that you didn’t see yourself doing.

 

At first, you felt wrong for it.

 

She was your only sister and the only closest family member you had left. You especially thought it was wrong for leaving without any explanation. But eventually, after much-considered thought, you decided that even though it was wrong, it was the best choice. It was something you had to do.

 

You had to do it because it would be wrong of you to hang out with her or have some kind of association with her without her knowing the evil thing that you had done behind her back.

 

It didn’t sit well with you.

 

You also realized that if you stuck around, you would probably develop some kind of hate for her that would be beyond your control; hate made out of jealousy and envy.

 

You wouldn’t be able to see them together ever again, you would not bring yourself to.

 

You had texted her a few days after your decision, explaining to her that new opportunities had arisen in your life and that you might be seeing less of her because of it.

 

Though you still reassured her that you would continue to stick around if she needed anything and she reciprocated vice versa.

 

As much as you disliked her, as much as you didn’t like the choices she’s made, or person that she had become, at the end of the day she was always your big sister. That was a kind of bond you couldn’t break.

 

After she’d wished you good look and good wishes, you wondered if you should contact Bucky.

 

You wondered if _he_ would tell her.

 

That was the first time the thought entered your mind and it scared the shit out of you. You prayed that he wouldn’t say a thing.

 

You thought about Steve as well. You knew he wasn’t dumb but you were thankful that he never mentioned anything both that night. But for some reason, you couldn’t get that damn look he had on his face. You couldn’t forget the way he looked at you at the wedding.

 

He had chased you, and he looked hurt by you.

 

Like he knew.

 

Sometimes you wonder if maybe if it had been Bucky that had run after you if you would have stayed.

 

But it wasn’t.

 

After that conclusion, you begged yourself to move on.

 

That was when the routines began- it kept you busy and distracted.

 

It had been five months and two days since you walked out of his life.

 

After much time, it was going a lot better than how you thought it would. You started by distracting yourself with your own life.

 

You even picked up extra hours at work and spent endless nights learning new recipes.

You wouldn’t admit it out loud, but you ended up watching way too much of the news. Maybe it was the adult in your trying to peak out, or maybe you were just that desperate to get away from your own issues.

 

You and pebbles sat on your couch as you both mocked Trump’s face on **CNN** , softly caressing Pebble’s little black head.

 

Your sat on your legs, your little throw blanket thrown over your lap and Pebbles next to your feet on the couch.

 

You shook your head in dismay as yet another scandal unfolded itself.

 

“What a dumbass, Peb.”

 

_Meow._

 

You gasp.

 

“What do you mean you would have voted for him?”

 

_Meow. Prrrr._

 

You huff.

 

“That’s what I thought, you little nugget.”

 

Everything during the day got easier as time went by, including life.

 

Slowly, you had cut yourself out of everyone’s lives.

 

You didn’t want to, but you felt like it was the best choice in such a predicament.

 

You didn’t answer Steve’s calls. 

 

Bucky never even attempted to reach out to you except for one night about a week ago.

 

You had stared at your phone in a trance, completely puzzled at first, before tossing it on your couch.

 

You went back to sliding on your sneakers for your daily run.

 

_No._

 

You ran your emotions away until the sweat mingled in with your tears.

 

You didn’t even realize it started pouring until you had to stop on the side of the road, breathing hard as you attempted to catch your breath.

 

You let your head fall down as your hands rested on the knees of your bent legs. You sobbed relentlessly as the thunder clashed in the skies above you.

 

The overwhelming guilt consumed you.

 

You had done good, you did everything you could to distract yourself and to not think about him.

 

But during the nights it was the hardest.

 

Simply put: you were lonely.

 

You missed your friends, Steve, and Nat. You wanted to make peace with Steve, you _wanted_ to tell Nat how sorry you were for being a coward, and most importantly, you missed him.

 

You’d wake up the next day and repeat it all again.

 

It was the only thing that helped.

* * *

 

The beginning months of their marriage had been rocky.

 

It had gone in any way you would’ve expected for a man who had just cheated on his wife.

 

Their wedding night had been a disaster.

 

When they returned to their room that night, in a mix of tight hand-holding and _severe_ lack of eye contact, Bucky had allowed Ashlyn to go into their suite before him.

 

While inside, he sat on the bed, back faced to her, and he had been silent as he unbuttoned his dress shirt.

 

Ashlyn had stared at him, even though he couldn’t see her.

The silence had been unbearable.

 

She felt pain-filled tears in her eyes at his cold demeanor.

 

He was treating her not how a husband should, especially on their wedding night.

 

He was treating her like something was _very_ wrong.

 

She didn’t understand why.

 

Their ceremony had been everything she had ever dreamed of, but during the reception, he had barely stared into her eyes. He didn’t look at her during their dance, and only once or twice after that.

 

They made brief eye contact once when his eyes had been cold and soulless. In an instance, a part of her heart hurt badly within her chest.

 

 _What’s wrong?_ She had wanted to say.

 

She wasn’t too oblivious. She knew that months ago something had happened with him and someone else, especially after she had been gone for so long on her work trips. She knew that they had gone through a big bump in the road.

 

And the guilt of that had eaten her alive and she promised to put it behind her, so she continued to strive for them - to make this _work_. Ashlyn wasn’t sure exactly what Bucky had done, but like a silent mutual agreement, neither touched the subject any further.

 

For some time, she had even believed maybe she was wrong because they started doing so well again.

 

But their wedding day and their wedding night went anything but well.

 

She had gone into their bathroom and slowly taken off her jewelry and dress. Soft tears ran down her face as she took the hundreds of bobby pins out of her hair, laying them down on the sink with shaky fingers.

 

She had refused to look at herself in the mirror, knowing that she’d start crying right away.

 

She slid on a pair of matching pink silk PJ shorts and a tank top.

 

Neither said a word as she slid up next to him on the bed.

 

It didn’t surprise her that he didn’t even make love to her that night.

 

It took time, but eventually, he had gathered her in his arms, caressing the sides of her waist as she breathed against him.

 

Her lingerie was tucked away and left untouched in her suitcase.

 

They didn’t talk about it, and Ashlyn swallowed back heavy tears as he laid motionless without saying a word.

 

It took them hours to fall asleep that night.

 

Early that morning they took their flight out to Mykonos.

 

He held her hand the entire flight, occasionally giving her a small smile that never reached his pretty blue eyes.

 

A pair of eyes that ones use to shy but were now a pit of no emotions.

 

Ashlyn tried to hold back more tears as he laid his head against the window, staring down at the puffy clouds and _not_ at her.

 

She regretted it- the nightly escapades -what she had done with men on her work trips, what she had _sacrificed_ to give them.

 

Their future was now filled with materialist fortune because of her filthy mistakes, and she most importantly regretted what she had done with his father.

 

She wanted them to be okay.

 

She wanted him to love her the way he used to.

 

She sniffed slightly as her throat grew tight. She laid her head on his shoulder.

 

The heavyweight of her head made Bucky look down at his lap, closing his eyes tightly together.

 

He felt awful.

 

Sure, he didn’t want Ashlyn anymore, but something just didn’t sit well with him knowing what he did and Ashlyn knowing damn well that he was acting strange.

 

On their honeymoon, when they did talk they argued.

 

They had gone to a little restaurant in a bay area but barely spoke a word to each other.

 

The air was tense and his kisses only lingered like a tangent poison on her lips.

 

Every night he had woken up shaking and sweating. He always dreamed of you and your gorgeous smile.

 

He could hear you saying his name in his dreams, and he could feel the bones of your hips on his hands as he guided you to move above him.

 

Then, he would hear you tell him you loved him and he would start crying in his sleep.

 

They were never loud enough to wake Ashlyn up, but it was strong enough to make him stir and awaken.

 

They didn’t make love until the night before they flew out.

 

It had been spontaneous and Bucky had done it more out of anger and stress after he had seen something in a gift shop that reminded him of you.

 

He had whimpered against Ashlyn's mouth as he held her against the wall of their little bedroom. It was a small room, about thirty by forty feet because they had wanted the trip to be as authentic as possible.

 

His hands helped to wrap her legs around his waist and he grabbed her harshly, forcing his tongue down her throat.

 

He shoved her beneath him onto their bed as they ripped each other’s clothes off.

 

Next, he had taken her brutally against the mattress.

 

Afterward, Ashlyn had been stunned.

 

He had never fucked her that way before. It had been purely carnal, dirty.

She laid shaking that entire night.

 

He woke up again that dawn, having dreamed of you again.

 

He knew he needed help, he knew that the guilt was eating him alive and so was the sadness of losing you.

 

Four five months, their marriage has been silently suffering and grew complicated. The other wondered how long it would be before one of them said something to make or break it.

 

They moved into Bucky’s father’s penthouse shortly after.

 

It was beautiful. It wasn’t as big as Ashlyn would have expected, and Bucky also had sworn it used to be bigger when he used to live with his parents. It had an average size foyer that would lead into the living room. The wood flooring was light and contrasted beautifully with the white walls. To the right was a large window that occupied most of the wall, and to the far side was a decent sized kitchen with dark brown cabinetry. Down the hall was a guest bedroom and a powder room.

 

On the left side was a dining room and then to the corner glass stairs that led up to the upstairs area where there were three other bedrooms, one full bathroom and a master bathroom that connected to the master bedroom.

 

The mere thought that Bucky was now sleeping in the same bedroom that his now-dead parents used, made something creep up his spine - a cold and chilling feeling.

 

It didn’t help their marriage and it certain didn’t help with the other emotions he had felt.

 

They would eat dinner in silence and then they would have silent meaningless sex on their dinner table in a tangle of confusion and unspoken declarations.

 

It got to the point where Ashlyn had left for work every morning without even waiting for him anymore.

 

She would feel used and empty, the bruises on her hips nagging and mocking her for the rest of the day.

 

Ashlyn considered just asking Bucky what was going on.

 

She wanted to, but she was afraid.

 

It had been going on for five months.

 

It’s a Tuesday morning when Bucky was having breakfast by himself in the kitchen. He hears a knock on his door.

 

He looked up from his phone, where he had been reading today’s news.

 

He perks a brow, not expecting anyone to have been at his home at this time. He hadn’t even seen Steve since his wedding day, their little awkward encounter not yet having been addressed.

 

It was evident neither wanted to.

 

“Come in.” He said loudly through a mouth full of honey nut cheerios.

 

The big white door swung open.

 

Bucky was slightly scared at who the intruder was until he saw a big head of red pop out from behind the door.

 

A long sigh escapes his lips.

 

The beauty spins her head around and gives him a bright smile, closing the door behind her.

 

She perks a brow.

 

“You didn’t comb your hair today, I see.”

 

Bucky runs a quick hand through his hair as he swallows down the cereal.

 

“What gives? My house, I can do I want.” He mumbles swirling his spoon in his milk.

 

He peaks a teasing eye up at Nat and smirks.

 

“Yeah, I can see that.” She laughs.

 

“What’s up?”

 

“How are things with you and Ashlyn?”

 

Bucky stalls for a moment, swirling his milk one more time, before responding.

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing, I’ve just noticed that you’ve been a bit different the last few months,” Nat states simply.

 

Bucky sighs, looking out towards the kitchen window and out into the city.

 

He gives into himself and sighs.

 

“It’s been better, Nat. Marriage isn’t as easy as we’d hope I guess.” He mumbles the end as he takes the bowl off the island and turns around to put it in the sink.

 

Nat sighs, “Yeah, I can imagine. Why do you think I haven’t gotten married yet?”

 

Bucky chuckles, “You’re right. You’re smart.”

 

There’s a small smile on his face when he says it as he spins back around, but Nat senses the pleading tone in his voice and both of them are quiet.

 

Nat eyes him up and down before she reaches into her bag.

 

Bucky narrows his eyes at her.

 

“Just know that if there’s anything you need, you can just ask me. If you need a friend, advice, anything. If you guys need any help-”

“Thanks, but we’re fine.” He cuts off curtly but not in a rude manner.

Nat ignores him and pulls out a white card and slides it across the table.

 

“Please don’t take this as an insult or me trying to pry or anything like that, because it’s none of my business. But I think this might help you both.”

 

Bucky takes the card.

 

**Couple’s Therapist**

_Bruce Banner_

 

34 6th Street

New York, NY

(212)***-****

 

Bucky looks at it for a second.

 

He contemplates it, _really_ contemplates it, and he finds the gesture comforting and surprisingly sweet.

 

He bends the edge of it as he reads the name of the doctor repeatedly- over and over again.

 

“Thanks.”

* * *

 

Bucky could care less any longer about salvaging his wedding with Ashlyn. He should’ve known it was all an evil scheme for her since the beginning, so he was doing this for his own selfish needs.

 

Bucky wants nothing more than to rip his hand out of hers as they sit next to each other on the dark brown leather chairs. He hopes the good doctor doesn’t see right through his phony act.

Dr. Banner was soft-spoken and wore small glasses on the peak of his nose. He gave off a sweet soul that automatically piqued Bucky’s interest. From his first firm handshake, he knew that Banner would be someone he could trust.

 

Bruce gave the beautiful couple a small smile before sitting down directly in front of him.

 

The room smelled of aloe and mint, calming Ashlyn for the first time in a long time.

 

“Mr. And Mrs. Barnes please sit.”

 

“Thanks.” Both Bucky and Ashlyn said.

 

Bruce takes off his glasses and eyes the couple curiously.

 

“So let’s start by introducing ourselves. You just got married five months ago?”

 

“Yes. Sir.”

 

He lays his glasses down on the table in front of him.

 

“That’s very recent. I’m surprised.”

 

Ashlyn gives Bucky a side glance as Bucky continues to hold steady eye contact with Banner.

 

“Yes, we’ve had some issues in the past.”

 

Bucky’s jaw ticks.

 

Bruce notes this.

 

“Well, we’re going to discuss possible issues that maybe could’ve arisen and insecurities between the both of you. This will be a long process, but I will do in my best ability to help you both. We’re going to put all our walls down for this, do you understand? No secrets from me.”

 

Bucky swallows while Ashlyn nods. She looks once more at him and Bucky is still facing forward, jaw tight and tense.

 

“You see? He can’t even look at me.”

 

Bucky rolls his eyes.

 

“Do you not love me anymore?”

 

Bucky doesn’t respond.

 

“Do you want a divorce? We’ve been married for five months. You didn’t even have sex with me on our wedding night.”

 

Banner raises a comical brow at this.

 

“I **can’t** leave you.”

 

Bucky says fiercely. The silence that follows it is tense and questioning.

“So we need to make this work,” Ashlyn says, quickly letting go of his hand.

 

* * *

 

Their first session with Banner was an hour and five minutes long. It was the most the couple had talked to each other since their wedding day, and it solved absolutely nothing.

 

Dr. Banner sighed as he watched them walk away, not really knowing what the hell he was going to do with them.

 

He was just thankful that they were done screaming so he could take his small coffee break and read a bit.

 

Of course, that was cut short when he heard a small knock coming from his door.

 

“Yes?”

 

Bucky walks in slowly, a mischievous look in his eyes as he slowly closing the door behind him.

 

Banner raises a surprised brow at him.

 

“James? Something wrong?”

 

Bucky licks his lips nervously.

 

“N-no sir, I just…”

 

Well, _this_ was interesting, Banner had to admit. He sits down on his desk, still keeping one foot on the floor.

 

He notices how upset and nervous Bucky is and it’s the first sign of emotion he had shown aside from anger all day. It intrigues the doctor.

 

“You can tell me.”

 

“If I ask to see you privately, as _my_ therapist, would what me and you talk about be confidential?”

 

Bruce is silent for a second as he connects the dots. He notes Bucky’s fidgeting hands and his pleading eyes.

 

Something was killing the poor kid.

 

“Is there something you don’t want Ashlyn to know?”

 

“ _Yes._ ” It comes out in a whimper. His tone, begging.

 

“James, if whatever this has to do with your marriage, you should tell your wife. You're here to fix your relationship with her, but yet you want my help to help keep something hidden from her.”

 

Bucky is silent as he looks away, defeated. This stuns the doctor.

 

“You’re not here for your marriage.” Bruce says it like it’s not questionable, “you’re here for you.”

 

Bucky’s stance and tone become pleading as he steps closer to Banner.

 

“It has more to do with my health though. Look, I know it doesn’t make sense but I need help, please. I’ll pay you twice or ever three times as much. As much as you want. _Please_ , doctor Banner.”

 

Bruce didn’t like this, but for some reason, he figured that maybe if he helped Bucky with his private issue, it could eventually fix the problem he had with his wife.

 

Maybe.

 

He regrets it a bit after he says it, but he does.

 

“Alright, I’ll help you.”

* * *

 

You had another episode last night and it was worse than usual.

 

You swore you could feel his soft hands on your hips as you moved on top of him.

 

You felt the whispers of his voice against your ears as he kept telling you he loved you, and it felt so real.

 

You were a ghost when you woke up, and your body robotic. The sun wasn’t up yet so you turned on your side lamp on your nightstand since it wasn’t too bright and wouldn’t hurt your eyes.

 

It took you a bit for you to come to your senses and for you to notice that you had gathered your personal belongings on your bed and that you were throwing things out.

 

Things that reminded you of Ashlyn. Pictures of when you were kids, T-shirts, gifts she had given you - everything.

 

Tears ran down your face as you skim your finger over one specific picture of you and your sister with your parents.

 

You sobbed and your sadness became anger as you continued to stare at her in the picture.

 

How dare she get the loving man, how dare he love her more than you…you were angry.

 

And you wanted to move on.

 

In a fury, you rip the pictures into tiny pieces until they’re scattered all over your bed.

 

Your breathing is shallow and heavy as you look at the mess you’ve made.

 

With a different kind of pain that you hadn’t felt in a long time, you bury your face in your hands and cry silently.

 

Everything around you was silent. The house was silent and so was the world outside.

 

You were alone.

* * *

 

Fifteen miles away sat Steve in his work office at Barnes Enterprises.

 

He had just put his two-week notice in and he couldn’t stop thinking about you.

 

He couldn’t stand to work for Bucky right now, not after the wedding night and not knowing anything about what was happening.

 

It distracted him too much and it made him upset.

 

He’d gotten a new job at a new company five blocks down. Steve had requested two weeks from his top guy so he didn’t even have to talk to Bucky directly to let him know he was leaving.

 

He was almost entirely packed except for some things that he still had to finish before he left.

 

It was early morning and he was finishing up one of his files when the image of you clouded his mind.

 

The image of you running out of his best friend’s wedding and crying haunted him.

 

He needed to find you.

 

That’s when he had stopped doing what he was doing and he pulled out his phone.

 

He found your name without thinking and clicked the little phone icon under your name.

 

Steve lets out a heavy breath as he brings his phone to his ear. With his other hand, he runs it through his hair and pulls slightly at the top.

 

**ring.**

 

**ring.**

 

 _Come on. Come on._ He says in his head as he bounces his left leg up and down. What was he even going to say?

 

The ring cuts off and he sucks in a breath-

 

 _“_ I’m sorry but the number you are trying to reach is no longer in service _.”_

 

His heart falls into the pit of his stomach.

 

In your room, you had somehow fallen asleep through all your crying, and your phone laid silent and untouched on your nightstand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the Spotify playlist for Take It Back - Phase 1 is uploaded on Spotify and it's free to the public. I'll link it below and you can go check it out. Maybe give it a follow. :) 
> 
> Take It Back (Phase one) PLAYLIST --->
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7u09K7fDQuKjtqzalcagn1?si=NK-t2bCOQum5LTmSX-af3w
> 
> AGAIN. Thank you so much for your support! I love every single one of you so much.  
> You are dear to my heart.

**Author's Note:**

> We're getting there guys...so close I can almost taste it.


End file.
